My new way of dealing with cold people

Hi Guys...

I wonder what you think of my new way of dealing with those who are not so warm to me or subtley reject me, etc.

Okay, in the past, especially when I was a young adult, I'd unconsciously seek approval from those who rejected me or were cold to me. In my mind, I guess I thought if I showed them I was nice enough, funny enough, interesting enough they would like me.

OR, from my spiritual teachings, I'd be really kind to them "killing them with kindness" thinking that if I were open and warm to them they would be to me.

Now I think the being kind no matter what is the highest way to be but it would leave me feeling more insecure than ever.

So finally, now in my late 40s, I've decided to simply "mirror" them. I've decided to never give more than I receive and never try to get any more from a person who isn't open to me. If a person isn't open to me or isn't particularly warm or friendly, I am the same way back. No wondering why, no asking myself what I can do better...I just quietly give them the message that I don't give to those who aren't kind to me.

I have found this to be a more practical way of integrating with the world. I have noticed that it gains you more respect. Most of the world does not respect someone who keeps trying with someone who rejects them. But they respect you if you withhold and do not give more than you are given to!

So now I do this. Those who are not particularly kind to me I blow off or ignore or simply do not smile much at them. I am always decent and I may smile and be polite but I don't make more time for them than they make for me.

I notice I feel healthier being this way. No pie in the sky thinking that others will understand and love me if I am loving anyways...they actually respect me more for holding back! And I think it makes them value me more.

I got this principal from dating stuff...they advice to always "lean back" with men to see if the men will step up for you. If they don't they don't really care about you. If they do you know they like you.

Same with "friends". People who want to be your friend will treat you nicely. People who don't value you won't. While you can forgive them and wish them love secretly, you should not give more to the people who don't care about you. You should "lean back" and go on with your life.

What do you think?

I have actually been following this method for some years and I agree that it works better. Not what I would prefer, but that's what people force you to do in this dog-eat-dog world. I say go with it.

I don't have a method per se besides total emotional divestment. In settings like the workplace, I observe first. My analyses are usually spot-on. If a person is genuine, I will be myself. If, however, a person is contrived, they don't exist to me.

My ex told me once that 'if you treat others nice they will treat you nice' but when he broke up with me i realized 'if they treat me nice i will treat em nice'
My mum told me when i was a kid.. never trust anyone coz no one will trust you back and don't expect to... maybe that is my i got my life distinguished into two personalitites.. one that is cold and the other that is warm.. the cold me is for everyone who even dares to be cold.. i can really be mean when i have to... overall am a warm open person i guess.. at least that is what people who know me tell me.. it is good to have that two personality thingy.. when i need to i can switch into anyone of em..
when i meet someone new and i feel that trust building up inside me, i just got some ways to test em.. to check if they are really worth of being trusted.. it really works mosta the time.. it helps me with my life alotta times... it is more like that 'lean back' technique.. yeah.. it really help getting rid of people who don't give a **** about me...

Nuzzy Nuz said:

My ex told me once that 'if you treat others nice they will treat you nice' but when he broke up with me i realized 'if they treat me nice i will treat em nice'
My mum told me when i was a kid.. never trust anyone coz no one will trust you back and don't expect to... maybe that is my i got my life distinguished into two personalitites.. one that is cold and the other that is warm.. the cold me is for everyone who even dares to be cold.. i can really be mean when i have to... overall am a warm open person i guess.. at least that is what people who know me tell me.. it is good to have that two personality thingy.. when i need to i can switch into anyone of em..
when i meet someone new and i feel that trust building up inside me, i just got some ways to test em.. to check if they are really worth of being trusted.. it really works mosta the time.. it helps me with my life alotta times... it is more like that 'lean back' technique.. yeah.. it really help getting rid of people who don't give a **** about me...

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awe sowwy nuzzy.. *hug*

I think that although this is really sad, at the same time it makes sense and I will try it myself. Have spent so much of my life trying to please people who didn't give a dam.
Happy Yogi-were you rejected a lot as a child, as often this can lead to our trying to please people who are cold and rejecting towards us? My relationship with my mother was not so good which is probably where my people pleasing comes from.

Frodothelost said:

Nuzzy Nuz said:

My ex told me once that 'if you treat others nice they will treat you nice' but when he broke up with me i realized 'if they treat me nice i will treat em nice'
My mum told me when i was a kid.. never trust anyone coz no one will trust you back and don't expect to... maybe that is my i got my life distinguished into two personalitites.. one that is cold and the other that is warm.. the cold me is for everyone who even dares to be cold.. i can really be mean when i have to... overall am a warm open person i guess.. at least that is what people who know me tell me.. it is good to have that two personality thingy.. when i need to i can switch into anyone of em..
when i meet someone new and i feel that trust building up inside me, i just got some ways to test em.. to check if they are really worth of being trusted.. it really works mosta the time.. it helps me with my life alotta times... it is more like that 'lean back' technique.. yeah.. it really help getting rid of people who don't give a **** about me...

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awe sowwy nuzzy.. *hug*

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*hugs back*

I think your new way of dealing with people is brilliant. I wish I would've thought of that. It's going to help me a lot with people…but only if I have a good supply of people with which to make friends and am not stuck with the same group of people.

Makes a lot of sense....and gives you parity....I like it

Yes everyone and I believe it helps keep your self respect, too because you are not giving your best self to those who don't deserve it. You are saying "my sweetness, kindness (or whatever you want to put in here) has value. I won't give it to those who don't deserve it".

jd7 Thank you for bringing up fake or contrived people. I have the hardest time with them. They are the most disturbing. There is one woman in my work who is this way. She was only nice to get something from me but later entitled and bitchy when things didn't go her way (but she was treated fairly). Now I am very cool with her and she is feeling it. She is feeling the confusion and hurt she made me feel. I don't like to hurt people but she deserves it and I am only doing what I want to do with her.

Tina...yes I had a cold mother. I wish I learned early on to not seek approval but I didn't even realize what I was doing. The world does not respect a people pleaser. And I find so much less emotional grief trying to please others and just being kind but ultimately pleasing myself.

I'm glad you found something that's fitting for you. I treat someone the same way, I don't bother with people who are not friendly towards me. I don't run into too many people though cause I usually keep to myself a lot of the time. However when I run into people who are not friendly towards me, I usually ignore them and pay no attention to them. Why waste my energy on them? Whenever people hurt me however, I let them know that they hurt me and whenever they message me, I don't reply too kindly to them cause I figure they only want me for one thing and one thing only. I hate being ignored or treated unkindly by people and when people treat me like that, I usually act like they no longer exist until I'm ready to forgive them.

Tiina63 said:

Happy Yogi-were you rejected a lot as a child, as often this can lead to our trying to please people who are cold and rejecting towards us? My relationship with my mother was not so good which is probably where my people pleasing comes from.

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Very interesting and thought-provoking. My mom was/ is a horrible example on how to get on with people and she didn't really teach me any good social skills when I was growing up.
I've undergone sort of the same change as you, Happy Yogi - being super sensitive to people who are cold and rejecting; now in my 40s, I still have the same visceral reaction but I tend to turn away from those types of people and try not to spend time around them. I feel like I'm always learning, though, because I had such a poor role model growing up.

-Teresa

I'm a rather cold person myself. I guess that makes it easier for me to simply ignore those who I've realized don't want to give me any time. I don't waste my time nor the time of anyone else.

VanillaCreme said:

I'm a rather cold person myself.

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:club: I COMPLETELY disagree!

EveWasFramed said:

VanillaCreme said:

I'm a rather cold person myself.

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:club: I COMPLETELY disagree!

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Yeah perhaps I'm wrong. I'm too fluffy to be cold.

HappyYogi said:

So finally, now in my late 40s, I've decided to simply "mirror" them. I've decided to never give more than I receive and never try to get any more from a person who isn't open to me. If a person isn't open to me or isn't particularly warm or friendly, I am the same way back. No wondering why, no asking myself what I can do better...I just quietly give them the message that I don't give to those who aren't kind to me.

I have found this to be a more practical way of integrating with the world. I have noticed that it gains you more respect. Most of the world does not respect someone who keeps trying with someone who rejects them. But they respect you if you withhold and do not give more than you are given to!

So now I do this. Those who are not particularly kind to me I blow off or ignore or simply do not smile much at them. I am always decent and I may smile and be polite but I don't make more time for them than they make for me.

I notice I feel healthier being this way. No pie in the sky thinking that others will understand and love me if I am loving anyways...they actually respect me more for holding back! And I think it makes them value me more.

I got this principal from dating stuff...they advice to always "lean back" with men to see if the men will step up for you. If they don't they don't really care about you. If they do you know they like you.

Same with "friends". People who want to be your friend will treat you nicely. People who don't value you won't. While you can forgive them and wish them love secretly, you should not give more to the people who don't care about you. You should "lean back" and go on with your life.

What do you think?

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That seems like a sensible way of approaching it. People who are particularly picky about who they associate with will respect those who don't seek approval. That doesn't necessarily mean they'll want to know you any better, but you do get to exit the situation with your self-esteem in tact.

Yes, don't waste time with people who don't value you, keep your time for those who care.

This said, I also feel healthier but haven't had any friends in three years now…

Its a pretty good method i think and makes sense. I basically do the same thing now i spent a lot of my life being a doormat for people and now adays if somebody starts acting like an Asshat theyre dead to me. I just dont got time to waste on silly crap anymore. May seem cold and im not saying i never give people second chances im a very forgiving person but i also dont chase people down begging them to like me or care about me. I like me fine and who cares what the rest of this world thinks? Its not like those people are going to be there anyway except during the good times if at all. Fairweather friends can take a short leap off a long cliff as far as im concerned.

I like that verse in the bible that says dont cast your pearls before swine, a lot of truth in that.

Yeah I've said it before on this forum in my own way because although most people here are very nice, we basically need a kick in the pants.

Niceness gets you nowhere! It never has. Think about it from an evolutionary perspective. Will being nice get you a mate? Food in your belly? Ward off the predators? Build a fire? Protect your children? Earn the respect of your tribe? Etc. Etc.

We are not meant to be nice. We are competitive, period. If you want to continue to live in this world, then compete. Stand up for yourself and go for something, and don't let others drag you down or tell you what to do. You have one life and then you die, do not waste time giving in to the demands of others.

If you want to continue to live in this world, then compete. Stand up for yourself and go for something, and don't let others drag you down or tell you what to do

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My new years resolution