What do people think about assertive dating?

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Glowgirl

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I'm not comfortable with the idea of dating aggressively (like computer dating etc) and I'm just wondering what other people think.

A while ago I went to see a counsellor (as part of a course) who advised me to approach strange guys IN THE STREET DURING THE DAY and ask them for a date. His idea was to help me get over nervousness about broaching the subject and talking to guys basically, but I'm still really uncomfortable with this idea. I don't even like the idea of computer dating and I've never done it, even though like I said earlier it's the only way I'll ever meet anybody. Firstly, I don't want to go on a date with a complete stranger. Is there something wrong with me with this? How do you know whether you're interested in somebody you don't even know? Secondly, I'm somebody who's never had much male interest, and I guess because of that I want to be sure that I get somebody who is interested in me, not somebody who just says yes because something has fallen in their lap. I was kind of the last girl to get asked to dance at school dances, and I don't want somebody who would have asked anyone but me given the choice!

The fact is that I know dating as a way of meeting people is just wrong for me, I couldn't handle the numbers of people that I'd have to go through. But it's bothering me a little bit because this counsellor was really irritated at me because of my passivity (he said you're talking crap, you could get a date this weekend etc, he's ignoring the fact that I've always had social problems and never yet been asked on a date). I'm remembering some harsh words.

Is it over the top to approach strangers in the street? Do people think a women initiating is likely to get a guy who's not so keen?

Furthermore I'm a bit intimidated about dating because I feel like it's a situation where you're under pressure, when you haven't had a chance to get to know someone the normal way. I'm more afraid of getting into a bad relationship than of being alone. And I know bad relationships exist because I experienced something like a domestic violence dynamic with an older brother.

Am I inhuman because I'm not driven to date?
 
I would run a mile from a counsellor who advised me to approach random men in the street and ask them for a date. This is a seriously bad idea. At best it would damage your self esteem and at worst you could end up being abused if you approached someone unscrupulous.
No, you are not inhuman because you don't feel driven to date. There are lots of people who secretly hate the whole dating process-I am one of them. The pressure to make the best impression you can, to think of things to talk about, to wonder when is the right time to mention possibly offputting issues (in my case two serious illnessses in the past and Aspergers)-it is a horrible and often emotionally brutal process.
As you say that dating is wrong for you, go with your own instincts and get to know people in a way that feels better and right for you. A counsellor should be encouraging you to find out what is right for you and should NOT be forcing what he thinks is the right way onto you.
 
Tiina63 said:
I would run a mile from a counsellor who advised me to approach random men in the street and ask them for a date. This is a seriously bad idea. At best it would damage your self esteem and at worst you could end up being abused if you approached someone unscrupulous.
No, you are not inhuman because you don't feel driven to date. There are lots of people who secretly hate the whole dating process-I am one of them. The pressure to make the best impression you can, to think of things to talk about, to wonder when is the right time to mention possibly offputting issues (in my case two serious illnessses in the past and Aspergers)-it is a horrible and often emotionally brutal process.
As you say that dating is wrong for you, go with your own instincts and get to know people in a way that feels better and right for you. A counsellor should be encouraging you to find out what is right for you and should NOT be forcing what he thinks is the right way onto you.

I wish I could rep this more than once. ;)

I, too, don't "get" today's dating rituals, too much trouble for too little most of the time. Also, I agree with Tiina, if a woman approached me on the street and flat out asked me on a date, I would think that something fishy is going on and run for the hills. Seriously, don't listen to this councellor, it's fine if you don't want to aggressively date, or even not date at all.
 
Wow that is terrible advice from your counsellor. They should be advising you to start talking to regular people at groups or work just getting a conversation ball rolling and open up...I hate computer dating its yielded no results for me a few conversations but never any meets. It's absolutely insane but after I learned after going off it for about 4 months, again nobody was going to magically appear even when I put myself out there. So it may completely suck, but if your other methods are spent its only slightly better than doing nothing at all.
 
read this book, it's all in the name of playfulness and to lower the rejection sensitivity

http://www.amazon.com/Guerrilla-Dating-Tactics-Strategies-Secrets/dp/0452280117

I always feel that if I managed to do what the book suggests, I would have a boyfriend in no time

but yes, first of all be safe, not in the streets, and although I agree with Tiina that when one has some offsetting secrets (I do have a couple myself) one is less eager to put oneself out there, honestly it shouldn't be that way, one should be happy to share whatever goodness one has, in spite of some little details like disabilities (I know, I know, it's not easy to see those as "little details" but compared to one's beautiful soul, they are).

and I agree, dating is a perverse concept, but how do you get to know people in this stupid modern world?

PS if the counsellor gets irritated because you don't do what he says, he doesn't sound like a good counselor at all
 
As suggested already, it would be healthy for you if you ran away from this counsellor asap. Approaching people on the street is something some people do, i'm not one of them. You're not inhuman. You're not driven because you are afraid. Would you really like having a partner? When considering that question, do not at all think of the ways to get a partner. If the answer is yes, you might want to look more into ways to meet people. That might be an important difference, meeting people, instead of just a potential partner. It will be scary, but life starts at the end of your comfort zone. It'll be tough though so i hope you have people who can support you through that ordeal, if you go through with it. If not, feel free to post on this forum or ask questions around here to people.
 
Wow...that is just...wow...the worst advice I've ever heard. While it might be nice and flattering for some random person to hit on you and a boost to ones ego it would also be kind of creepy in my opinion. Sometimes that is just what people do, hit on some random person, this happens in bars a lot but most are just looking to hook up with someone.

Honestly if a girl came up to me on the street and asked me out I'd be flattered but scared too, who says she's not going to try to rob me or something. People are crazy these days and do some pretty sick stuff. It isn't safe for anyone to approach a random stranger anymore.
 
Sci-Fi said:
, who says she's not going to try to rob me or something. People are crazy these days and do some pretty sick stuff. It isn't safe for anyone to approach a random stranger anymore.

lol, exactly
 
in a social setting, I think it's perfectly normal to approach someone and introduce yourself.
 
I didn't realize it was an option....but I kind of like the concept...about time we put our foot down and simply insisted that a beer belly and 30 fags a day is a perfectly acceptable lifestyle and no !! " we wouldn't be popping into Laura Ashley to look at the new spring range"
 
There's a difference between being aggressive and being stupid. :p
I'm not sure your therapist knows the difference between the two. :D
 
That's a shame usurped my post I thought it was actually fairly entertaining...
Still I suppose we all must make an effort to avoid any form of humour at all costs. 😚
 
Sci-Fi said:
Wow...that is just...wow...the worst advice I've ever heard.

Yes it could really backfire too because the person may think that you are more aggressive or sluttier than you really are due to the aggressive approach. But I agree in a social setting where you know people it might not be bad to force yourself out a little
 
Glowgirl said:
I'm not comfortable with the idea of dating aggressively (like computer dating etc) and I'm just wondering what other people think.

A while ago I went to see a counsellor (as part of a course) who advised me to approach strange guys IN THE STREET DURING THE DAY and ask them for a date. His idea was to help me get over nervousness about broaching the subject and talking to guys basically, but I'm still really uncomfortable with this idea. I don't even like the idea of computer dating and I've never done it, even though like I said earlier it's the only way I'll ever meet anybody. Firstly, I don't want to go on a date with a complete stranger. Is there something wrong with me with this? How do you know whether you're interested in somebody you don't even know? Secondly, I'm somebody who's never had much male interest, and I guess because of that I want to be sure that I get somebody who is interested in me, not somebody who just says yes because something has fallen in their lap. I was kind of the last girl to get asked to dance at school dances, and I don't want somebody who would have asked anyone but me given the choice!

The fact is that I know dating as a way of meeting people is just wrong for me, I couldn't handle the numbers of people that I'd have to go through. But it's bothering me a little bit because this counsellor was really irritated at me because of my passivity (he said you're talking crap, you could get a date this weekend etc, he's ignoring the fact that I've always had social problems and never yet been asked on a date). I'm remembering some harsh words.

Is it over the top to approach strangers in the street? Do people think a women initiating is likely to get a guy who's not so keen?

Furthermore I'm a bit intimidated about dating because I feel like it's a situation where you're under pressure, when you haven't had a chance to get to know someone the normal way. I'm more afraid of getting into a bad relationship than of being alone. And I know bad relationships exist because I experienced something like a domestic violence dynamic with an older brother.

Am I inhuman because I'm not driven to date?

Sounds completely insane and actually potentially dangerous....man It's difficult to see how any supposed professional could behave so totally irresponsibily and you should report him, the guy sounds like a major liability....If he was attached to a recognized mental health resource...you need to address it with one of their staff...and for him to say to you ....you are talking crap....is staggering...if he is a rouge private councilor ...there should be a means of reporting him.
At least with internet dating in whatever form...you have the opportunity to mail...maybe Skype before you even consider meeting that person
 
Thanks everyone. Yeah, I didn't go back to this counsellor. He talked about how he got one of his male clients doing that and made it sound almost like a reasonable idea. But it's really not me. If I go back to counselling I think I might try a female one next time, and also somebody my nationality, which this guy wasn't. I'm not sure if cultural differences had anything to do with it but they might have.

Also, he said to me "if you put your profile up, you would get 20-30 hits straight away!" Now, I'm not ugly, but I'm not supermodel hot either, and from what I've heard this isn't how internet dating works for most people. And it's too different from what my everyday life experience has been, so I wonder about his judgment.

Yeah, I know I should probably do it but I don't feel like I've got the support in my life to deal with it on a number of levels. I've had a fairly difficult personal history. I'm not unhappy being alone, but sometimes I just miss the idea of being in love! I'm pragmatic, but I'm also a bit too much of a romantic I think. The whole dating game just doesn't sound romantic to me at all.
 
Ok so as a woman I'd never approach a guy. Not in a bar, not on a street or a supermarket. I'm too insecure for that. Although I would find it quite nice to have someone approach me even in daily life.

So if it's not for you then that's totally okay. But I heard a lot of times now that people (even young people) find their partner online. so it seems to work for a lot of people...
 
Glowgirl said:
The fact is that I know dating as a way of meeting people is just wrong for me, I couldn't handle the numbers of people that I'd have to go through. But it's bothering me a little bit because this counsellor was really irritated at me because of my passivity (he said you're talking crap, you could get a date this weekend etc, he's ignoring the fact that I've always had social problems and never yet been asked on a date). I'm remembering some harsh words.
Did he put is that way or was that what he implied?

I'm not saying he is right, well, I guess only deep down you can know. So don't shoot me for saying this... Perhaps you are giving all these excuses like this doesn't work, that doesn't work, and you're not pursuing things with 100% because you're afraid of the outcome? At times I've stalled things or changed my mind because I was afraid of the bad outcome, and by the same token, similarly in a good outcome - I was scared of success the responsibilities of it.

As a guy I do approach girls I'm attracted to on the streets. However, it's different for girls due to society's view (guy picking up lots of numbers he's seen as a bit of a lad, whilst girls doing it may come off a different way), and further you mentioned you had social problems, so there would be an awful lot to overcome.
 
It's better to try and meet people in a social setting, make friends with them, and see if you have a connection with them. Meetup.com is a good way to meet people in a low pressure setting who might share some common interests. Approaching random people might work, I've never tried that. It's good to try and make friends first. The pressures of dating can be too much. Of course, no matter what you do, there is always a chance you could end up in a bad relationship. You'll have to get over that fear before anything else.
 
Tiina63 said:
I would run a mile from a counsellor who advised me to approach random men in the street and ask them for a date. This is a seriously bad idea.

I agree, this counselor should be fired. From a cannon. Into the sea.


If you want to meet people, start with small talk and see if you have any actual interest in talking to them. But, there's nothing wrong with not being like everyone else. If your comfortable state is reclusive there's nothing wrong with that. Forcing yourself to do what isn't natural will never make you truly happy.
 
Amthorn said:
It's better to try and meet people in a social setting, make friends with them, and see if you have a connection with them. Meetup.com is a good way to meet people in a low pressure setting who might share some common interests.
I concur, that's the best way. Make friends with new people that have common interest(s).

The problem with social circle / existing friends / work colleagues is that in the back of your mind you'll know if it goes tits it can make things awkward because people know each other, etc. (not that that should be your mindset...)
 

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