You CANNOT Win As a Single Person

Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum

Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.

LonelyGuy1

Member
Joined
Nov 14, 2014
Messages
19
Reaction score
0
Yes, I'm still single, and yes, it still sucks. I feel like I'm working myself ragged just to get the consolation prize while I'm surrounded by people who do nothing yet still get to savor the jackpot.

For those of you who've read my other posts, you'll recall that I'm currently seeking a woman with whom to share my life. It's been a hellish experience, to say the least.

But I have to say that the toughest part of all of this is not the seemingly endless rejection I've had to endure over and over again.

The toughest part has been dealing with the comments directed at me in regards to my search for love. Many people know that I have made finding someone a priority in my life right now, and that seems to bother them.

I've been called desperate, overly fixated, and obsessed. I've been told that I should focus on the good things in my life. I've been called selfish and unappreciative for not focusing enough on the good things in my life. I've been told that I should not care so much about finding someone. I've been told that I should focus on myself first. I've been told that I should not look for someone to complete me or make me happy. I've been told to relax.

I find all of the above comments offensive for various reasons. But I think the overall impression that I'm getting on how single people are expected to behave really offends me the most.

Above all, it seems, we single people are not allowed to complain about being single, at least in front of coupled people. We are also not allowed to make it appear as though we are putting in actual effort to find someone. It should not be clear to anyone else how hard we may be working to find someone. It should be a private, almost shameful practice apparently, the whole 'looking for someone' thing.

There is another dimension to this issue of outside comments.

Over the past year, when I have been asked point-blank why I no longer wish to be single (yes, people have asked me this) and I have tried to explain why I really want to find a special woman with whom to share my life (I want to be in love, I want to experience physical intimacy, etc.) many people have taken my rational desires and somehow twisted them into evidence of something lacking in me that I need to address BEFORE I can be with someone.

'You need to work on yourself first.' 'Don't look for someone else to make you happy.' There seems to be NO answer I can provide as to why I want to find someone that is acceptable. Maybe I just want the chance to experience a normal adult romantic life. Maybe I'm tired of not knowing what romantic love feels like. Maybe I'd like to lose my virginity with a consenting partner with whom I am in love. It doesn't matter; everything I say is dismissed.

Apparently, I am supposed to be enjoying my suffering (or not suffering at all, I don't know) and I should just be patient as I await the blessed day when love decides to 'show up' for me.

I remember that before I was actively looking to find someone, I was often told to, 'Get out there! Put in some effort.' The fact that I wasn't too interested in finding someone seemed to bother some people. Now, those same people are very much bothered by the fact that I am putting in so much effort to find someone. 'You need to relax about this.'

I CAN'T WIN.

Of course, being a 35-year-old whose romantic and sexual experience is out of step with 95% of the people my age doesn't help either. This fact puts me in a different position entirely from the average single person my age who knows what being with someone feels like. I'm in a very unique category.

People who have been with someone romantically CANNOT imagine what it is like to be my age and just starting out. I find it INCREDIBLY offensive when they attempt to relate. They really have no idea, so I'd rather they just admit that they can't understand how this must feel for me. I'd appreciate that much more. I have no prior romantic experience from which to draw, so yes, most people will not understand how that feels.

Above all, I wish people would keep their hurtful comments to themselves. Apparently, I really need to use discretion in terms of what I reveal to people in my life about this whole thing.

Again, so glad I found this site.
 
Yes I do understand your preoccupation but I think one of the obstacles we create for ourselves is the notion of investing all in one other person and everything will shift rapidly and happily into focus....maybe it does for some who have no difficulty in forming close relationships...sadly the reason many people including myself are on this forum is because for a variety of reasons they are not amongst the chosen ones...So what to do ??? ..I would suggest simply attempt to relate to others generally attempt to maybe discover a single simple thing about them...they have neat handwriting...they dislike crowds...etc... male or female they are people..it is possible that they feel disregarded by you...you have no time or interest in them because they aren't part of your 'special one' remit....look beyond yourself.. and maybe just maybe you will find the connection you seek...people are far from perfect....their relationships are far from perfect.. all any of us can attempt to do is look beyond ourselves and our own preoccupations and by doing so hopefully connect positively with others
 
I concur with LonelyGuy 1.
I'm 51, still single, perpetually, it seems.
He's spot on with the platitudes and ignoramus commentary he receives. I've been the recipient of every single one.
I lost my best friend when she callously dismissed my feelings when I opened up to her several months back. She ended up yelling at me and hanging up the phone, blaming it all on me. All I wanted was someone to listen - not to defer their judgement. So, she is gone from my life. i don't need her anymore.

However, I prefer to get rejected / shot down right away with a girl / woman, than to have to embark upon a relationship, with feelings invested, then get kicked to the curb just as quickly as it started. It's been quite difficult to recover from, for me, and I feel completely unwanted and full of self doubt. Like, how will i know someone is being honest and truthful anymore? i really don't know. It seems everyone is out for themselves. no one wants to invest time to get to know someone anymore. If you do not measure up in the first 10 minutes, you are dismissed automatically. I blame social media for impatience and self-aborbed behavior.

Don't get me wrong - i like myself, I am a good friend, have lots of great qualities ladies claim to be seeking in a guy...but, for whatever reason, maybe fate, I am destined to be either completely alone, or I only attract ladies of devious means.
Maybe I should just be an a-hole to everyone from now on...
 
LonelyGuy1 said:
I've been called desperate, overly fixated, and obsessed. I've been told that I should focus on the good things in my life. I've been called selfish and unappreciative for not focusing enough on the good things in my life. I've been told that I should not care so much about finding someone. I've been told that I should focus on myself first. I've been told that I should not look for someone to complete me or make me happy. I've been told to relax.

That may seem hurtful but people often see what we don't, as much as you may not like those comments there could be some truth to it. I've been on both ends of the spectrum, and no one ever likes being told how they are acting, most will take it offensively instead of suggestively. Sure there is probably a more tactful way of coming out with it but people don't seem to do that much anymore.

Maybe don't take everyone's words to heart, talk to a few who really know you and that you can trust and talk to them honestly, even if you will hear what you don't. They could just possible help you more than you think. But don't take some half witted jerk holes opinion. Just try to see it from both sides if you can objectively. If not then like I said talk to someone you can trust to be honest with you.

Anyway, you seem very determined to find someone so good luck and hopefully you do.
 
I'll start my post by saying that I have been in relationships since I was young, so no, I cannot relate on how hard it could be to start in an older age. Although, I think I can relate on how hard the quest to find someone to fall in love with is. No matter the age or "experience", it's the same.

I'm gonna focus on the negative comments you recieve, especially on the "you must love yourself first", as I have recieved them too. They are right
In all my experiences with women, relationship or not, I was fine with myself, or at least that how I appeared to be. I appeared to believe in myself, to be the "alpha male".
It feels like all the women I ever had something with had a built in radar that calculates my confidence. If it's high, they get attracted. If it's low, they dont. And I admit, my confidence is always low, but at moments that I know Im better than others, I get hope, I see myself as something not completely useless and that confidence boost is enough.
From my first gf back in school, to my most recent ex, they chose me because I was the best, or at least believed I was good enough, for them to believe it too. I didnt lie to them, I didnt appear as someone else, I just believed in me and my capabilites, and showed it.
I believe that's what people mean, that you must feel comfortable with yourself and show it, so women will see it and get interested/attracted. Remember, dont focus only on finding her, focus on having something for her to find too.
 
The question I have for you is...

Why do you put yourself in a position where you need approval for the way you feel about relationships and what you want in life?

There is another dimension to this issue of outside comments.

Over the past year, when I have been asked point-blank why I no longer wish to be single (yes, people have asked me this) and I have tried to explain why I really want to find a special woman with whom to share my life (I want to be in love, I want to experience physical intimacy, etc.) many people have taken my rational desires and somehow twisted them into evidence of something lacking in me that I need to address BEFORE I can be with someone.

'You need to work on yourself first.' 'Don't look for someone else to make you happy.' There seems to be NO answer I can provide as to why I want to find someone that is acceptable. Maybe I just want the chance to experience a normal adult romantic life. Maybe I'm tired of not knowing what romantic love feels like. Maybe I'd like to lose my virginity with a consenting partner with whom I am in love. It doesn't matter; everything I say is dismissed.

Apparently, I am supposed to be enjoying my suffering (or not suffering at all, I don't know) and I should just be patient as I await the blessed day when love decides to 'show up' for me.

I remember that before I was actively looking to find someone, I was often told to, 'Get out there! Put in some effort.' The fact that I wasn't too interested in finding someone seemed to bother some people. Now, those same people are very much bothered by the fact that I am putting in so much effort to find someone. 'You need to relax about this.'

I CAN'T WIN.

You can't win. When you choose to gain the approval of others (vs honoring what you feel, and what you want, and going after that no matter what anyone says to you), you really can't win. They decide if you win or not. Not you. The quest for "winning, or being enough, or the approval of others, or being good, or being right" goes on to infinity, because you gave up your ability to "win", and put it in the hands of the person judging you / giving you whatever useless advice they have to offer.

Ask yourself the following two questions:
What do I want?

What am I willing to do to get what I want?

You already have the answers. As long as you're out there looking for the approval of others, you're placing someone else's opinion about YOUR situation above what is truly important: getting your needs met.

A prerequisite to understanding the above statement is being able to say that your needs are important, to begin with, and that is irrelevant of what person A, or person B, or person C, or person ZZZ thinks about the matter.

If I can recommend a book: Honoring The Self, by Nathaniel Branden.
 
Sci-Fi said:
LonelyGuy1 said:
I've been called desperate, overly fixated, and obsessed. I've been told that I should focus on the good things in my life. I've been called selfish and unappreciative for not focusing enough on the good things in my life. I've been told that I should not care so much about finding someone. I've been told that I should focus on myself first. I've been told that I should not look for someone to complete me or make me happy. I've been told to relax.

That may seem hurtful but people often see what we don't, as much as you may not like those comments there could be some truth to it. I've been on both ends of the spectrum, and no one ever likes being told how they are acting, most will take it offensively instead of suggestively. Sure there is probably a more tactful way of coming out with it but people don't seem to do that much anymore.

Maybe don't take everyone's words to heart, talk to a few who really know you and that you can trust and talk to them honestly, even if you will hear what you don't. They could just possible help you more than you think. But don't take some half witted jerk holes opinion. Just try to see it from both sides if you can objectively. If not then like I said talk to someone you can trust to be honest with you.

Anyway, you seem very determined to find someone so good luck and hopefully you do.

I agree with this. I had the opposite situation than you from most people. I had the whole "Why don't you just get a boyfriend." Yes, because I can buy one of those at the boyfriend store in the mall. UGH. But those were people that didn't understand me. My best friend was real with me and told me what I needed to hear, even though I didn't like it. Sometimes you need someone to open your eyes.
 
OP-I can identify with you so much. Like you and A Broken Man I have been on the receiving end of so many platitudes from people who are either in a happy marriage or who don't want a relationship. It does hurt a lot. And, as you have said, we are not supposed to admit that we don't like being single or that we are looking for someone. I read on another website about a man who went to church. He said that while it was acceptable for him to admit at church that being unemployed was depressing and to ask for prayer for a job, it wasn't acceptable for him to say that being single affected him just as badly and to ask for prayer to meet someone. Being single and alone is not how I wanted my life to be at all.
 
OP When you're admit that you're unhappy alone, you're admitted a lack but also a "need".

I agree that idea that 'looking' is somehow shameful and should be done discretely is unfortunately quite common, and not at all helpful to single people.

"many people have taken my rational desires and somehow twisted them into evidence of something lacking in me that I need to address BEFORE I can be with someone."

This also something other members have complained about it. It's almost as if in wanting something that isn't easy to find, you identify yourself as lacking. In a way it's a comment on people who "don't deserve" a relationship, because they have to look (too hard), their age, or the fact that they don't have any prior relationship experience.
 
It is just like anything today... no one wants to hear about anything your doing unless it falls into the categories they think are approved.

A couple of years ago I made this sort of interest known. I found everyone to be super un-supportive. Some of my biggest naggers turned right around and wouldn't introduce me to single guys they knew were looking. It was like they were happy for me, as long as I didn't bother them with it. Even my brother is fine with nagging me about this sort of thing but never has made an active steps to find someone.

I really do think that society has mad it that if you have someone -- same sex or not, you are better than the rest of us. So people do NOT want you to join that little club. Because if too many do, it wouldn't be that special. And thus if you come to them with this -- at any age -- they won't be helpful.

I have personally given up. It is just not worth all the hassle. I would actually like a boyfriend store. It is a wonder why in a world with Ashley Madision no one has done something like this. I guess that is the real taboo.
 
ardour said:
I agree that idea that 'looking' is somehow shameful and should be done discretely is unfortunately quite common, and not at all helpful to single people.

"many people have taken my rational desires and somehow twisted them into evidence of something lacking in me that I need to address BEFORE I can be with someone."

First, to the OP - there's nothing wrong with actively looking. Just be careful about how you go about it, if you don't care to hear people make comments on it. But, keep in mind, their comments are only opinions. Opinions are highly subjective.

As for your two comments, Ardour, I think the idea that "looking" is shameful in some way, is a but antiquated.


LonelySutton said:
I really do think that society has mad it that if you have someone -- same sex or not, you are better than the rest of us. So people do NOT want you to join that little club. Because if too many do, it wouldn't be that special. And thus if you come to them with this -- at any age -- they won't be helpful.

So, you're suggesting that people who have a partner are in some sort of "club" that works to keep single people single, so their "club" can remain "special?"

Oh man. lol *facepalm*
 
I think if OP phrased it like " Oh, I had a date with this girl last night." people wouldn't mind as much? That's more casual and off-hand, like telling a person how your weekend was. Like it's a part of your life and not a big deal.
 
EveWasFramed said:
LonelySutton said:
I really do think that society has mad it that if you have someone -- same sex or not, you are better than the rest of us. So people do NOT want you to join that little club. Because if too many do, it wouldn't be that special. And thus if you come to them with this -- at any age -- they won't be helpful.

So, you're suggesting that people who have a partner are in some sort of "club" that works to keep single people single, so their "club" can remain "special?"

Oh man. lol *facepalm*

I think I know which club I'd use right about now on my guy who has irked me since freakin' new year's day. Being single is underrated by too many people. At least no one is there to add to irritation.

ts-barspkclub_250.jpg


Seriously though... There is no club. Unless one joins a club for couples. And even then, not all of us are in it or a part of it. Being in a relationship is only special to the individuals. The romantic relationship of someone else has nothing to do with me. I am only interested in mine. If you're sitting there thinking there's some secret society, I think you've watched one too many movies.
 
I'm single and sometimes feel it would be nice to have a partner but I don't feel like I'm in a losing race for the jackpot of a relationship. Sure, I get asked by friends if I'm looking for someone and get sad puppy-eyes from a married coworker every so often when we talk about my singledom. But I feel more and more that it's no one's business what my love life is like at any given moment, unless I elect to volunteer information about the topic.
Sure, I've spent time (and money) looking on websites for a partner but after one bad date too many, I decided when I'm old and decrepit, I don't want to look back and regret wasting my life looking for Mr. Dreamy who may never materialize. I have better things to do.

-Teresa
 
EveWasFramed said:
So, you're suggesting that people who have a partner are in some sort of "club" that works to keep single people single, so their "club" can remain "special?"

Oh man. lol *facepalm*

There might be an opinion that, since they managed to find a partner, there's something inferior about those who can't.
 
ardour said:
EveWasFramed said:
So, you're suggesting that people who have a partner are in some sort of "club" that works to keep single people single, so their "club" can remain "special?"

Oh man. lol *facepalm*

There might be an opinion that, since they managed to find a partner, there's something inferior about those who can't.

There's nothing inferior about that. If you think that, then that's a personal thought. If you think it's something inferior, then that's something you believe in. It doesn't make it fact, or true for everyone.
 
VanillaCreme said:
There's nothing inferior about that. If you think that, then that's a personal thought. If you think it's something inferior, then that's something you believe in. It doesn't make it fact, or true for everyone.

Some people in relationships may have this sort of attitude towards those who aren't, which could be what LonelySutton was referring to.
 
ardour said:
VanillaCreme said:
There's nothing inferior about that. If you think that, then that's a personal thought. If you think it's something inferior, then that's something you believe in. It doesn't make it fact, or true for everyone.

Some people in relationships may have this sort of attitude towards those who aren't, which could be what LonelySutton was referring to.

Some may. I've honestly never ran into anyone who was like that. But when there's a sweeping generalization, one may take it as a bitter statement (which is what it honestly sounds like).
 
THANK YOU LonelyGuy1! I read your message and felt like telling the world "suck it!" I am so in the same boat as you. Not only can I not be "real" with women my age, I can't be looking like a desperate female with a ticking clock. Well, what else am I when I am a 32 year old virgin? Loved your unsympathetic responses! My mom asked if I was gay, and a guy friend told me I can get laid anywhere. I still don't know if I should have laughed or cried. Its hard for me to connect with men because I was hurt as a child. I have this fear of intimacy and used to fantasize that I would get better with my future-husband.
Notice I didn't say he would cure me. I know I have to fix myself, but no one wants to journey through life alone. I too want a healthy, adult relationship. The older I get the more awkward I feel about dating. I just don't want die one day and have never connected with someone.
I think people can be insensitive because for some, being alone is their ultimate fear. Instead of grabbing you and helping when your in need, they lash out. Some cannot relate because they were always in a relationship. When your young, as a female, you get told a lot of beautiful lies. But you slowly rip the pink band-aids off each New Years Eve. On good days, I feel content with being a modern day Queen Elizabeth. On the bad days, I am contemplating where I want to get laid and in vitro fertilization. I figure as long as I at least like where I lost the big V, I can't regret it. So just know I definitely know what you are going through and I am so glad I came across this website. Oh, and for my guilty pleasure show, Supernatural!
 
There might be an opinion that, since they managed to find a partner, there's something inferior about those who can't.

Many people do actually feel that they are more powerful when they have a partner and the truth is that they are. It comes across in their actions and behaviours towards single people.

I do also believe that , in general and perhaps subconsciously people do have an unconscious need to have single people exist so that they can feel lucky, blessed and more superior.

Sorry if that offends married people but I cant change what i have leaned from my experiences and I doubt others can either. But then in reality, how could a married person see how a single person gets treated if they aren't single?

As for a " club" I'd like to venture a guess that this is what is known as "a figure of speech".

Meaning in general, as a collective whole, it appears that people largely tend to enjoy the superiority they get out of having a mate for support. It seems it makes them feel functional, loved, lucky and worthy, and in many cases allows them to perceive the unmarried as " having something wrong with them.

Society does this, and its obvious in the fact that politicians and people in any spotlight want to have a mate by their side as they are aware that society just likes it that way and will think more of them.

Reality is reality, just because we don't like it or don't participate in it doesn't mean the general perceptions don't exist.
 

Latest posts

Back
Top