SadMachine
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- Joined
- Nov 20, 2014
- Messages
- 9
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I am lonely for 7 years now. It all started in 5th standard when I shifted to a new city and new school. The school was an all vegetarian school and they did not like non veg people. I was not told this at admission time and no one asked me if I was non veg or not. So, I got admission and the first semester went great. I made some friends and was good at studies so teachers loved me. When second semester started, our class teacher asked me to fill in details like religion, food preference and so on, so I filled it out truthfully and selected non veg as option and submitted. When I gave it to the teacher, she was like what a sin I have done by choosing non veg. She did no say anything in front of me but there were a lot of stuff going behind my back. The news spread like wildfire to all the teachers in the school and surely students also came to know. I became the centre of attention and hate and was treated like an outcast. Seeing my misery, the teacher told my classmates "He is very sensitive to emotions, so just leave him alone". At that moment I though she was trying to clear the situation, little did I know, she was making it become worse. I became lonely, miserable, spiteful and loathed. Up until this moment, my life was very good. I was a good and kind natured kid, people loved me, I had this innocence but just a moment changed my whole life. From good, it became bad and from bad it became worse. At such an tender age, feeling all these negative emotions was like standing in front of a hurricane, ready to be swept away or to stay clinging to the ground. I was very courageous and instead of running away from the situation, I accepted it and moved on. I accepted that these people dont love me for who I am so I dont need them. People who dont care for me are not my friends. And from being the jolly, smiling type. I became the quite and painful type. I stopped talking to anyone out of my interest and no body came to talk to me. I endured it all. I stopped crying and stopped showing any weakness because I knew that if I show weakness, I will be swept away by the hurricane. Years passed like this. It was painful and took a toll on my brain. I was not the person I used to be. I had become a little colder and totally quiet. But in all that I did not lose my kindness. I was still kind to people who treated my like trash. I would skip school any moment I thought, and would only go to school for the minimum attendance required. I started hating life and from a model student, getting 90%, I became average student.I was in 8th standard, 3 years of hell I endured and I thought it was my last year as I planned to change schools next year. So 1 more year to endure. Final semester of 8 standard, a guy from Dubai came and was treated the same trash like me. We became good friends and those last 3 months were the like the calm after a storm. I told him that I would go from this school and advised him to do the same. I did not meet him till now after I left the school. These 4 years, I endured through hell and came out as a demon. But I kept on bottling up my feelings and emotions and that took a toll on my brain and my emotions. I forgot how to laugh and how to cry. I hadnt cried in 4 years and I hadnt laughed in 4 years. Whenever I laughed, it was a fake laugh. My attitude completely changed but I still had my kindness. But it seemed like there was dual personality. One personality was quite and cold and ruthless whereas other personality was calm, peaceful and kind.
I changed schools, 9th standard was great. I had many non veg people in this school and we became good friends. But this time, the dual personality took a toll on me. As I forgot how to laugh, I would always fake a laugh and I did not know when to fake laugh so I stood out from the crowd with my laughter and people started thinking that I was mentally challenged. Then they started discussing how I was. Some of my close friends told me what people talked behind my back and how they thought of me. I know that history was going to repeat itself again, so instead of others treating me as an outcast and again getting hurt, I shifted my step back and stopped talking to anyone of my own accord. If someone talked to me, I would ofcourse talk to them but no one came to me and I went to no one. History repeats itself, I told myself and again my lonely life. begins. I became depressed and thought there was no meaning to life. My studies took another toll and I mecame lower than average with 50%. I lost all hope of studying and became highly depressed.
Currently, I am in 11th standard and everything is the same. I sit alone in the last bench of class in the corner. No one to talk to.The bottling up of feelings was too much for me to handle now and I am at my limit. I stopped feeling anything , anger envy, hate and these negative emotions. I only felt pain.Pain was the only thing telling me that I am alive. Outside I am like nothing has happened to me and I try to hide my feelings. On the inside, I am always crying, my heart is always bleeding and I dont know how to stop it. I am totally broken inside. My will to stay strong and fight has died down. I want to get swept by the hurricane. I no longer want to stay clinging to the ground. I have thought of suicide to stop this bleeding heart but dont have the guts to do it. So I have to continue living until there is no blood in my heart and it stops bleeding and I die.
When I die, I want to die with a smile. Whatever happened to me was unfortunate and I am not angry about it. God just thought that I was a strong soul and made me go through pain on hopes that I will come out victorious and be unique. I failed miserable. God is dead. There is no god.
Now, I feel like I was born for hate. I have nothing and no one but pain. I forgot the relations I have, with my family, friends and everybody else. I am a shut in and depressed soul. I feel like I am inside a dark tunnel I dont know when I entered but there is no exit. I will be in eternal darkness. I am just waiting to meet my end and be burnt to ashes,dark black ashes like this dark tunnel I am in. I have lost all my fighting spirit. I have no future as I have lost the desire to study. People say that when you are alive, you need to find a reason for your existence. Being unable to find one is the same as being dead. I am dead for these 7 years, just waiting to die physically.
Is there any hope? I just want to perish or stand up again. I want to get my life back, get into Harvard and become a great person who helps others.
I changed schools, 9th standard was great. I had many non veg people in this school and we became good friends. But this time, the dual personality took a toll on me. As I forgot how to laugh, I would always fake a laugh and I did not know when to fake laugh so I stood out from the crowd with my laughter and people started thinking that I was mentally challenged. Then they started discussing how I was. Some of my close friends told me what people talked behind my back and how they thought of me. I know that history was going to repeat itself again, so instead of others treating me as an outcast and again getting hurt, I shifted my step back and stopped talking to anyone of my own accord. If someone talked to me, I would ofcourse talk to them but no one came to me and I went to no one. History repeats itself, I told myself and again my lonely life. begins. I became depressed and thought there was no meaning to life. My studies took another toll and I mecame lower than average with 50%. I lost all hope of studying and became highly depressed.
Currently, I am in 11th standard and everything is the same. I sit alone in the last bench of class in the corner. No one to talk to.The bottling up of feelings was too much for me to handle now and I am at my limit. I stopped feeling anything , anger envy, hate and these negative emotions. I only felt pain.Pain was the only thing telling me that I am alive. Outside I am like nothing has happened to me and I try to hide my feelings. On the inside, I am always crying, my heart is always bleeding and I dont know how to stop it. I am totally broken inside. My will to stay strong and fight has died down. I want to get swept by the hurricane. I no longer want to stay clinging to the ground. I have thought of suicide to stop this bleeding heart but dont have the guts to do it. So I have to continue living until there is no blood in my heart and it stops bleeding and I die.
When I die, I want to die with a smile. Whatever happened to me was unfortunate and I am not angry about it. God just thought that I was a strong soul and made me go through pain on hopes that I will come out victorious and be unique. I failed miserable. God is dead. There is no god.
Now, I feel like I was born for hate. I have nothing and no one but pain. I forgot the relations I have, with my family, friends and everybody else. I am a shut in and depressed soul. I feel like I am inside a dark tunnel I dont know when I entered but there is no exit. I will be in eternal darkness. I am just waiting to meet my end and be burnt to ashes,dark black ashes like this dark tunnel I am in. I have lost all my fighting spirit. I have no future as I have lost the desire to study. People say that when you are alive, you need to find a reason for your existence. Being unable to find one is the same as being dead. I am dead for these 7 years, just waiting to die physically.
Is there any hope? I just want to perish or stand up again. I want to get my life back, get into Harvard and become a great person who helps others.
