Dealing with overly critical family members and siblings

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Tinderleaf

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Hi everyone. As a 23 year old who has relatively low self esteem, my issues stem from the fact that my family members alongside siblings are overly critical of me. However its fair to say that i deserved to be criticised due to having slight ADHD symptoms of being forgetful and clumsy at times which results in a lot of silly mistakes from me, which such mistakes go to hurt my self esteem. For example, forgetting to losing someone's valuables to forgetting things that are needed to be said and done as a matter of not being able to pay attention and keep aware on a proper basis.

Of course, I have accepted that i would make mistakes and that I'm far from being a close to perfect person who's able to handle themselves well. However in the interest of this topic, i have to say that it can be difficult to get any sort of self esteem when you're living with family members or society for that matter that overlooks your every move, calls you stupid for making even the simplest of mistakes like forgetting something to thinking i said something wrong and should shut up. Also for such mistakes, there are also times in which i felt that i was treated like an outcast through my families backchatter in addition to not being able to get over certain mistakes which would hurt my self esteem as well.

Even when i look at the positives like being more social and pro active with my life plus being easier to talk to than my siblings. Not to mention working and saving money for myself and for family members i.e parents and siblings as well as almost finishing uni, it can still be difficult to get some self esteem out of it, knowing that I'm still judged for my imperfections particularly my slight ADHD symptoms of being forgetful, clumsy, slow and not being able to concentrate on a proper basis like a normal person can and that this is despite trying to shake off such imperfections.

Of course, despite it being difficult, i have managed to keep calm and not argue with family members should i get criticised but i still stress quite a lot over the mistakes i make due to my slight ADHD symptoms and that all the time, i feel pressured to try and not make such mistakes again. And yes, i have repeated mistakes before particularly being forgetful and well it sucks. Oh and no, i don't take any medication or drugs to help me deal with my issues and i try my best to learn from them in the hope of minimizing mistakes.

So my question to everyone here is, how do you deal with people in your society who are overly critical of you? And what advice can you give me to keep my head up in life? Thanks and kind regards.
 
It is pretty hard. Try calling them out on being overly critical, if that doesn't work, you may have to distance yourself from them for your own benefit.
 
I remember when I was at my most low that criticisms and insults from family were really cutting for me too. I found that low self-esteem tended to amplify criticisms and insults and I often took them far more personally than my family meant because of this. With low self-esteem sometimes we can take criticisms of things that we have done as personal attacks on our character. In these cases it's best to try and not take things so personally (although this can be much hard in practise to do). Insults are a different matter and in those cases sometimes I had to distance myself from my family and tell myself that they were wrong and that their wrong or unfair opinions didn't matter to me.

I think it would be worth talking with your family, if you feel you are able to, to explain how you feel based on what they say, talk about specific examples if you can. You said you avoid arguing with them, I was wondering if that meant you tended to avoid discussing problems with them to avoid conflict. This is something I did but talking through a problem doesn't have to be an argument. Have you tried talking with them before? How do they normally react?

As for how to deal with people as a whole who are critical. Remember making mistakes is only human and sometimes it says more about the person doing the criticising than the other person at the end of it. With low self-opinion part of us tells ourselves that the criticisms are 'right' and clarifies our low sense of worth. Working on building up your self-esteem would help you out a lot and give you a buffer against this kind of thing.

(Hope some of that was helpful)
 
My brother is like that, my mom will call him out on it sometimes and he gets in a huff about it. I do it an he gets pissed off and mad at me so I just don't bother anymore. There are some people who do it and won't even admit to it no matter how many times they are told. Some seem to do it because it is just what they do and will bite your head off if you dare do it back to them.
 
Tell them to mind their business. Because when they can say with an honest, straight face that their hands are clean of any dirt, then they can judge. Until that day comes, I'd tell them to go dig in their own backyard.
 
Thanks for the advice so far everyone. In terms of talking to my family members about them being overly critical and harsh of me, unfortunately they are the types that won't really admit to being wrong for being overly critical of my mistakes even if it's of the simplest of ones in addition to some of my actions particular my social life where i was just being friendly and was not intending to cause any trouble. Unfortunately i just have to suck it up and learn from them, which can be difficult much to my slight symptoms of ADHD being forgetful, clumsy and not really getting a feel of what to do in certain situations. Worst I've heard was that they called me not normal and that I'm too slow and stupid to understand and get through life like they do in an otherwise close to perfect manner.

In terms of other people i can speak to, i really don't have any close friends to talk about my issues seeing as they are busy and successful with their own lives but I'm looking to fix this by putting myself out there through volunteering and joining social clubs, hoping to find people i can really get along and can offer helpful advice without sounding so overly critical. And yes that the only way i can really get some comfort is by not speaking to my critical members and just keeping my distance away from them when i can. While I'm aware that I'm not alone in my situation and that suicide is not the answer, its still tough living in an environment where members are overly critical of you and that hopefully when I've worked hard enough, I'll be able to keep my distance away from them and move out on my own. Yes it sounds a bit selfish i know.
 
Who cares if you are "not normal" really... "Not normal" people change the world. You don't seem stupid or slow or anything else to me. I see someone perfectly capable of writing and expressing their feelings. I don't think it's selfish to tell people (family or not) to leave you be. I can bet you anything that if you were to say something about their life that you didn't like, they'd be the first to tell you where to go. So, the fact that they think they can just come in and say this and that about your life and not expect you to say anything about it... It's beyond me. Standing up for yourself is far from selfish.
 
Sorry to hear that they're name-calling. If getting some space is what you need to do to get away form that there's totally nothing selfish about it. Do you what you need to do. I'm a volunteer myself and if you can do some volunteering I'd really recommend it. It's a great feeling to do something worthwhile and I've met some really kind-hearted people through it.
 
People will always judge and be critical of you. It can be hurtful, if you let it, but you do NOT deserve it. Constructive criticism is one thing, but just criticizing to make you feel bad is terrible and no one deserves that.

It sounds like you use your ADHD as an excuse why you get blamed for things. I would personally recommend that you not do it. It's a part of what makes you you, but you can find ways around things. You could use post-it notes or a daily calendar or something to help you remember things. A lot of people are clumsy, just do your best and that's all anyone can reasonably ask of you. There are even tools out there to help you focus better.

EVERYONE has imperfections. Do what you can and just ignore the judgments, they don't define you, YOU define you.
 
Tinderleaf said:
Hi everyone. As a 23 year old who has relatively low self esteem, my issues stem from the fact that my family members alongside siblings are overly critical of me. However its fair to say that i deserved to be criticised due to having slight ADHD symptoms of being forgetful and clumsy at times which results in a lot of silly mistakes from me, which such mistakes go to hurt my self esteem. For example, forgetting to losing someone's valuables to forgetting things that are needed to be said and done as a matter of not being able to pay attention and keep aware on a proper basis.

Are you my twin? I have ADHD too, and I have this problem.

I can do nothing right when it comes to my family. I once busted the window out of my truck because I didn't tie a lawnmower down. I still haven't told them because of the fact they will tell me I am an idiot or completely stupid. I swear, I do one stupid little thing, and it's like I destroyed the planet. Because of this, I am super hard on myself with every little thing I do now.

I have to stay away from my family. Now that I am away and have people in my life (well, really just a dog and a person) that make me feel better about myself, I am doing way better. I still struggle when I go home for the holidays. I get so stressed out and try so hard not to mess up, I usually have zero fun. Thank god they are over.
 
Thanks again for the additional advice everyone. And you're right TheRealCallie about ADHD not really being a good excuse to cover up for the cause of my mistakes. as there are tools and ways to get around it like you mentioned, which i should try to make more use of.

Thinking about my case for low self esteem again, while some of the criticism Ive received from family members are constructive and things that i can improve upon, i only wish they would less frequently remind me of my imperfections as part of them criticising alongside the past mistakes I've made. If anything, yes, it does hurt me more than motivate me to fix my imperfections alongside making me hard on myself to succeed.

Having spoken to them about them criticising me too much, they still feel it's right to keep reminding me thinking that i`d forget what i needed to fix to improve myself from making the same mistakes and that i should be more focused and pro active as a person. So if anything, i can't really win against them and that i should just try my best to improve myself and take the criticism on board, no matter how harsh or frequent the reminder of criticism can be. Criticism of which is constructive i should be taking in of course but it can be difficult when family members criticism comes off feeling egotistical and somewhat arrogant like they always have a point to prove. I only wish they were a bit more friendly about it but i suppose that's me being naive to expect that given ive made plenty of silly mistakes.

Nevertheless, It's a tough case in life for me to naive he least which has affected my self esteem but if anything, the advice given by everyone here has given me belief that i can work hard to get through this and hope to become a better person at the end of it. Also helps that I'm not alone with my situation too and that they can relate to it so thanks again everyone.
 
It's simple.

Ask them "Are you a perfect human being who is going to live forever? Are you God?" If they answer affirmatively, you know they are crazy, and if they admit they are human like you, they have lost the argument and can no longer criticize you.
 
I would not bother responding to them. I would block them from my life in every way possible.
 
I'm sorry to hear how you're family is being critical of you, nobody deserves to be treated like that. I would simply tell you're family members at a calm state about how they make you feel. They deserve to know how it makes you feel. Believe once you've gotten this off of your shoulders, you won't be as stressed out. If I was around someone like that, I know I'd be a nervous wreck.
 
Personally, I have dealt with self-esteem issues my entire 21 years of life. Ive been constantly made fun of and criticized for my weight, my taste in music, the way I dress, etc.. Its tough, I and we all know it. However, the best advice that I could give you is to realize that those same individuals who criticize you have major flaws as well. There is really no way to stop the verbal and mental abuse from those who deem it necessary to bestow it upon others, but doing what I just told you will help.
 

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