Usually feeling disconected from others

Is being alone like a snowball?

It starts when we are young, due to some combination of reasons we have few friends -- in my case I'd say it was a combination of: 1. moving a lot (went to 8 different schools growing up) 2. having traits that make us feel different (we were poor and mom was super religious, sort of a nut) 3. being a bit awkward (isn't socialization learned?) 4. and having poor social habits (being so self absorbed that I forget how to be polite in group settings).

Then I went through this long phase in my college years where all I did was work and attend class because I had to work my way through college (no help from the family) and feel like I fell, socially, even further behind.

Then I got married, but ended it when she wanted to start a family. I was very afraid of being responsible for children... raising them... I felt like I could barely take care of myself and it would be wrong of me to try and raise others. The other "couples" friends we had... were gone when the marriage was over.

As an adult, I've had countless starts to friendships, but few lasted beyond the first half dozen gatherings or outings (out drinking, out playing sports, BBQs with neighbors or coworkers, meetups) it feels like I just don't know what to say, or what to do, or the appropriate way to reciprocate... as if everybody else knows the social "dance" but I'm an awkward outsider that gets tired of failing and after a while I feel like I don't want to try any more. I even had a ski boat for a few years, and would take "friends" out on the boat in the summer... but when the day was over... everybody was off doing their own thing with others.

I've tried so hard to find sports to play to meet others, and I trained climbers and played a team sport called ultimate (in which I was the team captain)... when I look back on all of the people I met... they are all friends with each other... but I'm friends with few of them, and in many cases I introduced them all.

My most successful relationships are with women, and it seems that all these relationships are... are simply dating (and 2 marriages). But as soon as the romantic relationship ends, so does the friendship.

So many of these relationships end with the other asking me "why don't you have many other friends..." and "why don't you talk to your mom more?". It just makes me feel judged so much. How do I explain to them that my mom was an abusive person that would hit me till my nose would bleed, and that she used the bible as an excuse (spare the rod and spoil the child) and that she constantly used guilt to manipulate me (the 10 commandments require you to obey me no matter what).

I feel like a stray dog, always living on the outside of the rest, but so obviously a stray, and giving off the hurt timid vibe... that the others shun me now.

I've done years of counseling, and while I often feel better for short periods when I leave these sessions.... I'm so distrusting of others that I think my therapist doesn't really want me improving because then I wouldn't need him or pay him for all of these sessions.

So today I feel like my loneliness is the giant snowball, with years of icey layers built up, with no known way of cracking them off.

Most of my peers have families with kids, and I live alone, am alone, my most social periods are at work with others that have families.

I realize I'm rambling now, but I wonder if others feel like their loneliness is like a snowball?

I also wonder, if somebody figures out how to change it... do they stop posting here? If they do, then the rest of us could not learn from their success?

I think that the causes of loneliness are lack of compassion for the self, as well as general fear. As soon as the reason for doing anything or not doing anything becomes "because I am afraid", the outcome is unlikely to be pleasant.

Here is a question: if you are willing to have a friend, are you willing to be one?

Amthorn said:

I think that the causes of loneliness are lack of compassion for the self, as well as general fear. As soon as the reason for doing anything or not doing anything becomes "because I am afraid", the outcome is unlikely to be pleasant.

Here is a question: if you are willing to have a friend, are you willing to be one?

Click to expand...

As I wrote, I suspect it is different for everybody, and complicated, and not nearly as simple as a short phrase that reads like it was intended to be the title of a self help book (no offense). For many people, I bet it is the result of layers of life and history, each unique.

And to the second question, yes, but that too is complicated, is it not? My experience is that it is easy to be friends with another person, one on one, but many have competing people pulling them away. For me, being friends in groups larger than 2, is harder. Not sure why exactly, but I often sense some competition in the dynamic... as if one of the others is trying really hard to be the primary and push me to the outskirts as the secondary -- might be a guy thing -- and maybe even more common among guys that played a lot of sports (as I have through my life).

The odd thing, is that my closest friends when I was younger, were people that I met at church youth group or at a similar group of people in college -- but I'm not a believer at all (I know we aren't supposed to talk religion here but it is related to my topic) -- and I'd find that I'd be drawn to those settings for the fellowship, even though I disagreed with the teachings that go with it. As I spoke my mind more openly about what I believed -- I lost those friends.

Today, I tend to avoid overly spiritual people. Feels like a sham to me, and I don't trust those that act like they have all the answers.