Loneliness: A Solution

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Amthorn

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So you are lonely.

You have no friends, or possibly one or two, but you rarely see or talk to them. You have no family, or you are estranged from them. You may or may not like your coworkers, if you have any, but in any case your association with them does not extend beyond work hours. You may or may not have a spouse or partner; if you do, you feel disconnected from them most of the time, or you feel like you need connections outside the relationship, which seems too challenging. It may be that you’ve never had a successful romantic relationship, or even one at all. Relating to potential romantic partners seems to get harder with every attempt.
Maybe you’ve given up. Maybe you contemplate suicide every day. You’ve been diagnosed with a slew of mental health conditions, or not, since you have a mistrust of doctors. You may be heavily medicated, or you may self-medicate with drugs and alcohol.

Maybe you have a physical disability, and people turn away from you or take pity on you, which isolates you and sets you apart from most activities. You seek out companionship time and time again, only to be continually rebuffed because of your differences.

At the heart of it all is this tragic loneliness. This feeling like you’re misunderstood, unrelatable, unworthy. Maybe you were abused as a child or an adult, resulting in a deep distrust of others. You carry a deep, aching sadness, a longing to connect with another human being on a deep level that seems to continually elude you.

You ask yourself, what is wrong with me? Why can’t I connect with people? Why don’t people like me?

The answer is simple. There is nothing wrong you you.

You are special, unique, sensitive, caring and insightful. Your loneliness stems from a deep and abiding love and compassion for others, something you feel so fiercely that it hurts. No everyone can feel so deeply; many are sadly obsessed by things that don’t matter. Cars, toys, money, sports, sex, material and eternally fleeting things which you have tried to feign interest in, in order to gain acceptance, but you have failed at this time and time again because you know they don’t matter. Connections are what matter; connections with other people.

So what is blocking you? What is preventing you from making that connection?

Fear.

Somewhere out there, there are other people like you. MILLIONS of them. Perhaps even the best friend or lover you’ve been wanting. They may not be who you imagined or fantasized them being, but they may be out there. However, until you step outside your comfort zone, your cocoon of suffering and fear, you will never find them.

Be brave. Courage is knowing fear and acting in spite of it. Cowardice is denying the reality of fear, and the effect it has on our lives.

There are people out there, not far from where you are, who will accept you for who you are, who will show you compassion, who will listen to your thoughts and feelings without judgement.

You just have to be willing to do the same for them. Because they are you, just like you, with the same feelings, thoughts, and fears.

Reach out to someone else, who is just like you. You have nothing to lose but your fear.
 
One will get tired of reaching out.. the heart gets tired… hurt, hurt… everything hurts, thinking hurts, breathing hurts, all those faces of loved ones who are now strangers, all those words that separate, all that loss
it's not fear, it's - exhaustion
 
Might have to agree with Peaches. In some way it is exhaustion. Think of all the things we're doing to try and stave off the loneliness. Going to meetups, being more pro active in our search in companionship, hell even more than some regular people. There are times this wears you down. You try and try and try, but you gain so little if anything at all. I don't consider myself scared of doing things, going places, learning new things...it's the fact that when its all said and done there are some moments that could be better and we just want to share it with someone even if it ends up being worse.
 
You know this article right here i think sounds like a lot of us. Maybe were all just trying too hard?

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeands...le-lonely-dont-have-friends-mariella-frostrup

Basically its a lady that writes in to a dear abbey type column thing and the (abbey) answers and tells her she needs to relax and quit pushing so hard because shes coming on too strong etc. Not exactly but thats the jist of it, you can read the article and draw your own conclusions. But the problem like with me personally is ive been living this way close to 15 years and i want really bad to get out there and part of it isnt even fear that stops me, part of it is feeling like its going to be more of the same and i just dont want to deal with that. I know its a risk you take but when what you expect to happen happens EVERY single time its just really tiring like wanderer and peaches said above. You get tired, you feel beat down. Utterly exhausted to the point you wonder who you even are anymore. So you go back to your cave, your hole, the castle you live in and try to live and be happy with what you have but the loneliness always comes creeping back. Its a very restless existence. I know if i keep trying eventually ill find some friends but its the thousand and one dick clowns trying to sink the ****** canoe contest id like to avoid if possible. Even though i know its not.

I think a lot of people that are lonely can be introverts a lot of the time, i know i am and introverts detest small talk and want to make deeper connections. Thats another problem at least for me, is ok lets say i do meet some people. Like i met some a few months back got their phone number txted them a few times but then that was it and i never heard from them again. So for every associate you make even if you make it past the first obstacle theres the next obstacle of if you can make a deeper connection with them. Because for me im most lonely AROUND people because of my lack of ability to connect with them because im different than all of them and my life experience is so different. Its like trying to stick a round peg in a triangular hole, it wont fit.

When you spend so much time alone too your perception of reality is a lot different than just about everybody, and that one i couldnt even begin to describe to you. Its almost like youre there but youre not there because people start talking about things and alot of times you have no idea because youve been in your own little world so long.
 
Wanderer145 said:
Might have to agree with Peaches. In some way it is exhaustion. Think of all the things we're doing to try and stave off the loneliness. Going to meetups, being more pro active in our search in companionship, hell even more than some regular people. There are times this wears you down. You try and try and try, but you gain so little if anything at all. I don't consider myself scared of doing things, going places, learning new things...it's the fact that when its all said and done there are some moments that could be better and we just want to share it with someone even if it ends up being worse.

Likewise. I pretty happily reached out to another woman on a forum who lives in the next city over, is studying in a similar field, and who complained about being desperately lonely, but was ignored. I offered my time if she wanted someone to discuss and bounce ideas around with, since our fields are connected.

On Monday I'm going to offer my lab partner some videos I found on our class subject and offer to study together before/after class. This last week's reading was 60 pages and she seems to struggle, but I expect to be turned down. I always am. I didn't initially like her, but I'm trying to be sympathetic because we're two of three girls in the class and I don't know why she doesn't speak up. It's not going to do anything.

Nice thoughts that never seem to pan out. Several years ago, I was trying to "just be myself". No one came to me. Then I tried reaching out. Everyone refused.
 
Tealeaf said:
Wanderer145 said:
Might have to agree with Peaches. In some way it is exhaustion. Think of all the things we're doing to try and stave off the loneliness. Going to meetups, being more pro active in our search in companionship, hell even more than some regular people. There are times this wears you down. You try and try and try, but you gain so little if anything at all. I don't consider myself scared of doing things, going places, learning new things...it's the fact that when its all said and done there are some moments that could be better and we just want to share it with someone even if it ends up being worse.

Likewise. I pretty happily reached out to another woman on a forum who lives in the next city over, is studying in a similar field, and who complained about being desperately lonely, but was ignored. I offered my time if she wanted someone to discuss and bounce ideas around with, since our fields are connected.

On Monday I'm going to offer my lab partner some videos I found on our class subject and offer to study together before/after class. This last week's reading was 60 pages and she seems to struggle, but I expect to be turned down. I always am. I didn't initially like her, but I'm trying to be sympathetic because we're two of three girls in the class and I don't know why she doesn't speak up. It's not going to do anything.

Nice thoughts that never seem to pan out. Several years ago, I was trying to "just be myself". No one came to me. Then I tried reaching out. Everyone refused.


It happens to me too, I reach out to be people who claim to want a friend, and they don't respond. I must assume that they, too, are exhausted and at the point of giving up. So I keep checking back. The challenge is, don't be that person. Can you honestly say that you have always responded to every message you were ever sent? That you have never given up on anyone because you just weren't up to communicating?
 
This made me smile, thank you. :) I agree with all your words! We are all special, precious and unique human beings and if you're lonely, it doesn't mean there's something wrong with you~
 

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