Thinking about online dating

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Katerina

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So yeah I'm thinking of maybe starting to use online dating. I don't get to meet many people and now that I've got one year before I hit 30 I feel like I need to try something. But I do have some concerns about it and I was wondering if you guys had any tips and advice particularly as from what I've read it seems that being a woman online dating can be a different experience.

Dating hasn't happened at all for me thus far and it's because of that I'm more worried about online dating. I'm also concerned about potentially admitting or having to explain that to people as well as how things are going job-wise and the fact that I am stuck living with my parents still.

I shut myself off from people as a teenager and as much as I've gotten better in recent years I still don't feel that confident conversing with people.

Assuming I get anywhere with it and actually meet up with someone I'm also concerned that maybe I won't feel much towards them but feel like I have to just go along with it because chances are I won't find anyone else.

Wow I feel like I've just listed a bunch of reasons of why I'm a loser and shouldn't date lol. Honestly I don't think I'm that bad, just overthinking everything that could go wrong again. :p

So where do I start? I've heard of Plenty of Fish but that's about it. What do I need to know?
 
I think people tend to overthink online dating - they think there's some sort of trick to it or special things you have to do to win. It's not a game, it's simply a way of saying "look this is me, I'm available and if you like what you read contact me".

When doing your profile, be honest, positive and concise. Don't mention anything to do with being lonely or desperate, or how "online dating is your last chance" or anything like that. Don't worry about trying being witty. Focus on yourself and your hopes and dreams, quirks and foibles, unusual hobbies (to a degree - maybe keep your collection of severed monkey heads quiet until you've had a couple of dates!). Don't just list the same as everyone else "I enjoy nights in and out and enjoy movies etc" (who doesn't?) say how rewarding your job is, or what you plan to do with your life. Makes yourself as interesting and unique as you can - and everybody is interesting, even if they think they aren't.

For a photo, choose an informal (ieL not your passport photo) but clear headshot that you like. Try and avoid group photos, crop the other people out if you have to use one. Don't use drunken photos, or "comedy" ones, just a nice ordinary photo so a prospective date knows exactly what you look like.

Finally general safety: arrange to meet in the day time, in a busy public place. Cafes are great, busy areas of parks etc. Don't go to the cinema or a loud place as you won't be able to chat properly. Stay in control too - if the date isn't going as well as you liked, be honest. Another good tip is to prearrange for a friend to ring you about an hour into your date - if it isn't going well (Mr Perfect turns out to be a grumpy 4ft accountant from Wigan) you can pretend you have been called away in an emergency.

The most important thing is to remember to enjoy yourself, stay in control and remember you are just meeting people, that's all online dating is. The days of it being a stigma ridden last chance saloon for people are long gone.

Good luck :)
 
I will give you some tips based on my own experiences:
As a female online dater I am very wary who I give personal information to. If a man asks for my phone number, I ask for his instead and call him. My phone withholds my number automatically so he can't get my number unless I give it to him.
I always arrange to meet in a public place during the day.
I don't give out my address until I feel able to trust the man with it.
While I might tell the man that I go to a reading group for example, I won't say exactly when and where it is held.
Online dating is hard and stressful for many people, me included. If I could meet someone the 'normal' way I would do. But as with you this has not happened to me, so my choice is to stay alone or to continue online dating and hope that it will work out one day.
I wish you all the best with online dating and hope that you meet someone nice.
 
Date online exactly how you would in real life.

Be yourself. Be honest. Don't spend excessive money on the other person. Don't give out personal info. The red flags in online dating are the same in real life dating. Don't give them anything (like money). Ask for proof - if they said "don't you trust me?" or make excuses, don't trust them.

Remember it's not about "what you can do or what you are good at." Dating isn't a profile checklist. When it comes down to it, the only thing that matters if you two want to spend time together or not. Ever heard people say "I would have never married a person like my spouse," or experience people answer the question "why do you love your spouse/gf/bf?" with them saying... "uh... I don't know. I just do."
 
Katerina said:
So yeah I'm thinking of maybe starting to use online dating. I don't get to meet many people and now that I've got one year before I hit 30 I feel like I need to try something. But I do have some concerns about it and I was wondering if you guys had any tips and advice particularly as from what I've read it seems that being a woman online dating can be a different experience.

Dating hasn't happened at all for me thus far and it's because of that I'm more worried about online dating. I'm also concerned about potentially admitting or having to explain that to people as well as how things are going job-wise and the fact that I am stuck living with my parents still.

I shut myself off from people as a teenager and as much as I've gotten better in recent years I still don't feel that confident conversing with people.

Assuming I get anywhere with it and actually meet up with someone I'm also concerned that maybe I won't feel much towards them but feel like I have to just go along with it because chances are I won't find anyone else.

Wow I feel like I've just listed a bunch of reasons of why I'm a loser and shouldn't date lol. Honestly I don't think I'm that bad, just overthinking everything that could go wrong again. :p

So where do I start? I've heard of Plenty of Fish but that's about it. What do I need to know?

I would avoid Plenty of Fish. Maybe try one like E Harmony or Match.com. Also be careful.
 
Okcupid is the way to go. It's free and better than the paid sites. Plenty of Fish is a virtual trailer park.
 
If you've never tried online dating and you're curious, it's worth a try. Write your profile on a day when you're feeling confident and good about yourself. It's ok to not include every miniscule detail about your life in your profile. Let them find out more about you when you meet up.
Also, for safety, meet up in public at least the first few times. And do NOT ignore your gut, if it tells you something is wrong, it is - do not try to talk yourself out of it.

I did it about 3-4 years ago and met up with a number of guys. Most were nice but some lied and I found out they were married or in relationships already. Others were obviously just shopping around maybe because of loneliness or were just looking for sex.
After awhile, the profiles all started looking the same. Everyone travels, everyone likes the same TV shows, always pictures on motorcycles or doing sporty activities, everyone says they don't play games and everyone is just as comfortable with a night out on the town as with a night in with a movie and pizza.
So I stopped online dating and doing other things with my life now :)

Good luck! :)

-Teresa
 
Have fun with it, but maintain a degree of skepticism about the whole thing. There are a lot of hucksters out there, as Teresa pointed out.

I've gone on quite a few dates via the internet so I'll tell you that it's okay to omit, or... alter a few details about yourself (your job and living situations, for example). I don't consider it outright lying since chances are you probably won't ever see the other person again after the first date, most of the time. If it ends up going somewhere, you can come clean and tell them the truth so no harm, no foul. I think everyone lies on a first date anyway, we very much want the other party to see our best side. Other than that, just try to be true to your feelings.

And to reiterate: have fun!
 
Thanks for all the advice.

Oh I'd definitely be skeptical about things and will play it safe. I figure if I did arrange to meet anyone it would be in the middle of the day at a coffee shop or something similar.

Do people generally chat on the phone before meeting? I can understand getting used to talking to each other first but I'm not that comfortable with talking on the phone most of the time, plus if things didn't work out I don't know if I'd want them to have my number.

I could probably phrase my circumstances better if I were to talk about it and focus more on the proactive stuff I'm doing. I feel like I'm more dipping my toe in the dating waters so to speak. I wouldn't consider myself desperate for a long-term relationship for example, in fact I'm not exactly sure what I'm after other than someone I like and can spend time with.

So OKCupid over PoF? - okay I'll have a look.
 
Half and half.

Sometimes the other person can be very nervous and want to establish trust by talking on the phone, sometimes you might only chat by text (usually to swap pictures, things like that) once or twice before meeting up.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with saying you don't like chatting on the phone, by the way. :) Unless they're weird about it, it probably won't be an issue.
 
I've never heard of people talking on the phone - most of the main dating sites advise against giving out any personal info like address and phone number until you have met in person - and even then only if you are 100% sure. That's why they make you communicate via their site and it's the safest way to do it.

A genuine man will always understand this and will have no problem accepting your caution.
 
Katerina said:
Do people generally chat on the phone before meeting? I can understand getting used to talking to each other first but I'm not that comfortable with talking on the phone most of the time, plus if things didn't work out I don't know if I'd want them to have my number.

You can always find other options. All laptops in the last 5 years come with microphone so you can skype, google talk, raid call, or one of the 100 options out there. Firefox just came out with a free one that you can use that doesn't even require a login. Or you can use an App on the phone for voice. If they are truly trying, they would give anything a try.

As mentioned, everyone's pace is different. Some want to voice right away, some are more comfortable trading emails for awhile before meeting. Always make meeting in person at least once a priority though, if you have decided that the person could be something a little more.
 
Katerina said:
Thanks for all the advice.

Oh I'd definitely be skeptical about things and will play it safe. I figure if I did arrange to meet anyone it would be in the middle of the day at a coffee shop or something similar.

Do people generally chat on the phone before meeting? I can understand getting used to talking to each other first but I'm not that comfortable with talking on the phone most of the time, plus if things didn't work out I don't know if I'd want them to have my number.

I could probably phrase my circumstances better if I were to talk about it and focus more on the proactive stuff I'm doing. I feel like I'm more dipping my toe in the dating waters so to speak. I wouldn't consider myself desperate for a long-term relationship for example, in fact I'm not exactly sure what I'm after other than someone I like and can spend time with.

So OKCupid over PoF? - okay I'll have a look.


Yes talk on the phone first. You get to know the other person better. Nerves are expected but it's a good indicator on whether you are going to get on.
 
Honestly, the hell with online dating.

I have tried OK Cupid, Match.com (in the past), and that Tinder app.

All full of hot air. I had NO/ZERO success in finding any woman on online dating sites, or that phoney Tinder phone app.

Match.com only landed me a gold digger who only wanted to sleep over my apartment (this was a while back), because she was in my former home town for a week.

No success with Tinder.

Due to no success with online dating, my mother and her friend has helped me to find potential girls to date.

If not the help of mumsy, I resorted to hiring a match-making agency to help me find a girl. Cost a lot, but if you have the funds, it's worth it, compared to meeting strangers on "match.com," "zoosk" or "plenty of freaks," excuse me, I meant fish.
 
TheLonelyNomad said:
Honestly, the hell with online dating.

I have tried OK Cupid, Match.com (in the past), and that Tinder app.

All full of hot air. I had NO/ZERO success in finding any woman on online dating sites, or that phoney Tinder phone app.

Match.com only landed me a gold digger who only wanted to sleep over my apartment (this was a while back), because she was in my former home town for a week.

No success with Tinder.

Due to no success with online dating, my mother and her friend has helped me to find potential girls to date.

If not the help of mumsy, I resorted to hiring a match-making agency to help me find a girl. Cost a lot, but if you have the funds, it's worth it, compared to meeting strangers on "match.com," "zoosk" or "plenty of freaks," excuse me, I meant fish.

Doesn't mean that it won't work for the OP - just because you had bad experiences. How do you know that your ideal partner wasn't a click away before throwing in the towel?

Point is, you only get out of web dating what you put into it. Yes there are users who may not have the best intentions, but there are thousands more that do just want to meet people in the hope that one might be a potential partner. Just see it as a fun way of meeting people.
 
h3donist said:
TheLonelyNomad said:
Honestly, the hell with online dating.

I have tried OK Cupid, Match.com (in the past), and that Tinder app.

All full of hot air. I had NO/ZERO success in finding any woman on online dating sites, or that phoney Tinder phone app.

Match.com only landed me a gold digger who only wanted to sleep over my apartment (this was a while back), because she was in my former home town for a week.

No success with Tinder.

Due to no success with online dating, my mother and her friend has helped me to find potential girls to date.

If not the help of mumsy, I resorted to hiring a match-making agency to help me find a girl. Cost a lot, but if you have the funds, it's worth it, compared to meeting strangers on "match.com," "zoosk" or "plenty of freaks," excuse me, I meant fish.

Doesn't mean that it won't work for the OP - just because you had bad experiences. How do you know that your ideal partner wasn't a click away before throwing in the towel?

Point is, you only get out of web dating what you put into it. Yes there are users who may not have the best intentions, but there are thousands more that do just want to meet people in the hope that one might be a potential partner. Just see it as a fun way of meeting people.

Well I consider it an option for now, it's better than what I've currently been doing.. which is nothing and thus I rarely get to meet new people. I think in my circumstances it's worth at least having a look just even to see what it's like. Can't see too much harm in trying.
 
I haven't been on match in a while but focus on what you put in your description. Some people really aren't finding some body to date and not to just look at the pretty pictures. I suggest you upload a picture of the car that you drive in you live in a area where places are not reachable by public transport and/or would be too expensive.(<-- take this with a grain of salt, I haven't tested this out yet). If you're on match.com some of the women can be a bit snooty and would go as far as requiring that you have a certain income per year. I kept getting bots while I was on zoosk, and it was annoying as hell.(Mind you I haven't used an of the paid features on any of them.)

You should learn how to structure your messages as well. They say you should structure it like an ad on a billboard and you must do the same with your main profile. Lastly, don't heavily rely on dating websites, you're essentially turning it into a waiting game if you do it that way.

P.S. I would suggest link your social media as well. Which is something I need to do on my match profile that I neglected for about a year now.
 
African_weasel said:
I haven't been on match in a while but focus on what you put in your description. Some people really aren't finding some body to date and not to just look at the pretty pictures. I suggest you upload a picture of the car that you drive in you live in a area where places are not reachable by public transport and/or would be too expensive.(<-- take this with a grain of salt, I haven't tested this out yet). If you're on match.com some of the women can be a bit snooty and would go as far as requiring that you have a certain income per year. I kept getting bots while I was on zoosk, and it was annoying as hell.(Mind you I haven't used an of the paid features on any of them.)

You should learn how to structure your messages as well. They say you should structure it like an ad on a billboard and you must do the same with your main profile. Lastly, don't heavily rely on dating websites, you're essentially turning it into a waiting game if you do it that way.

P.S. I would suggest link your social media as well. Which is something I need to do on my match profile that I neglected for about a year now.

For some folks, life isn't--and shouldn't--be only about marketing. It shouldn't include a requirement to design your own person as you would design a shiny, sleazy billboard ad. People ain't goods. Competing and winning are all fine and good--necessary to some extent--but to me they are only ONE PART of the human experience. That is my philosophy--and yet, it appears I am in some kind of minority for thinking this way. I don't believe in getting ahead just for the sake of it, I never have and never will believe in such a naive mentality.

That's why I want nothing to do with online dating. You make a perfect example with Match.com users filtering out men by income. These sites--like the corporate society we live in--have become simply all about the numbers.

Given that fact--if you're not a clear winner in life and the best numbers you can put up are sub-par, is it worth it for a man to try online dating? Well, not if you're going to be honest. Otherwise you have to exaggerate and even lie, just to have the chance of meeting someone at the local coffee shop.
 
I've honestly thought about online dating myself. My only concerns are that I don't have a car/license, and can't really get anywhere outside my immediate area. Also I live in the least populous state in the country, so I doubt I'd find anyone around here :p I'd have no qualms about being in a strictly online relationship, at least until a point where we could potentially meet if we both felt comfortable. What's some advice that the girls might put towards a guy who's just starting to get into online dating?

*Not trying to jack the OP's thread, didn't feel like my question deserved it's own.
 

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