Is it healthy to pursue a relationship?

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Turtlez

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I'm 21 and I've spent a great deal in the past trying to form relationships with girls, but it takes a toll on ones self esteem to never be seen as a dating candidate.. It's not fun anymore.

The problem I find is that in taking the time to try to get to know a girl (takes me a while to learn about her personality and feel comfortable due to some social anxiety) they seem to write me off as just a friend. I feel like this is the problem with a lot of guys who complain about girls 'treating nice guys poorly & the friend zone;' because, by not obviously coming onto her immediately she won't think you're interested in her as anything more than a friend... At least in my experience.

I can't just go up to random girls trying to score a date based on how they look and a first impression. Other guys have no problem with this, but for me it's really uncomfortable.

Do you think its more damaging for me to try to find some one who might be interested, or to pursue my own ambitions (career, hobbies etc) and not even concern myself with the opposite sex?
 
I think it would be healthy if you looked into finding someone interested in you, but taking time to get to know them first. Dad said it could take as long as 6 months before you get to know someone really well; he had a point there because I miserably failed my last relationship and the only wonderful happening was giving birth to 2 of his kids.

In getting to know a girl you have to listen to her. This involves gentle conversation that holds her interest, only without talking too much about yourself. If she wants to know more about you, I guarantee she will ask. I know someone who hasn't had a date in her 25 years, and now she's very happy because her boy - friend is taking a lot of interest in her, only not boring her with his own stuff. Their relationship is growing slowly, and it's a joy.

I'm in my twenties, so can relate. I hope what I have shared you will find helpful.

Anna Mouse
 
You could focus entirely on building a successful career and be very happy, no doubt. However, there may come a day when you realise you've neglected a crucial part of your identity.
 
Mouse said:
I think it would be healthy if you looked into finding someone interested in you, but taking time to get to know them first. Dad said it could take as long as 6 months before you get to know someone really well; he had a point there because I miserably failed my last relationship and the only wonderful happening was giving birth to 2 of his kids.

In getting to know a girl you have to listen to her. This involves gentle conversation that holds her interest, only without talking too much about yourself. If she wants to know more about you, I guarantee she will ask. I know someone who hasn't had a date in her 25 years, and now she's very happy because her boy - friend is taking a lot of interest in her, only not boring her with his own stuff. Their relationship is growing slowly, and it's a joy.

I'm in my twenties, so can relate. I hope what I have shared you will find helpful.

Anna Mouse

That's unfortunately my problem. I try to give girls a chance who I think are interested, but I literally can't tell anymore. I've even had a few cases where girls ask me to go get drinks or go to a movie and it sounds exactly like a date, but it never is.

I was thinking of giving online dating a shot, might work better than trying to read subtle social ques that I don't understand.
 
It's a difficult one because of how these things affect our self-esteem. I would say romantic relationships are an important part of a lot of people's lives but the important word here is 'part' and it's important to focus on other parts of your life too and not build yourself up or cast yourself down based on dating success and failure. By working on other aspects of your life it will help build up confidence which in turn helps with the relationship side of things. It's definitely not an all-or-nothing situation.
 
Turtlez said:
Mouse said:
I think it would be healthy if you looked into finding someone interested in you, but taking time to get to know them first. Dad said it could take as long as 6 months before you get to know someone really well; he had a point there because I miserably failed my last relationship and the only wonderful happening was giving birth to 2 of his kids.

In getting to know a girl you have to listen to her. This involves gentle conversation that holds her interest, only without talking too much about yourself. If she wants to know more about you, I guarantee she will ask. I know someone who hasn't had a date in her 25 years, and now she's very happy because her boy - friend is taking a lot of interest in her, only not boring her with his own stuff. Their relationship is growing slowly, and it's a joy.

I'm in my twenties, so can relate. I hope what I have shared you will find helpful.

Anna Mouse

That's unfortunately my problem. I try to give girls a chance who I think are interested, but I literally can't tell anymore. I've even had a few cases where girls ask me to go get drinks or go to a movie and it sounds exactly like a date, but it never is.

I was thinking of giving online dating a shot, might work better than trying to read subtle social ques that I don't understand.

Online dating has its pitfalls so you need to be extremely careful. If you really want to try dating, then go through a highly reputable dating agency. You will have to pay a fee for this, but you can tailor your personal information with your client to exactly what type of person you are specifically interested in. Once with such an agency they will offer you people who they think would be worth contacting.
 
Turtlez said:
Do you think its more damaging for me to try to find some one who might be interested, or to pursue my own ambitions (career, hobbies etc) and not even concern myself with the opposite sex?

Maybe if you seek other interested and hobbies, you will meet a girl that is into the same thing, and you guys can have that.
 
Mouse said:
Turtlez said:

Online dating has its pitfalls so you need to be extremely careful. If you really want to try dating, then go through a highly reputable dating agency. You will have to pay a fee for this, but you can tailor your personal information with your client to exactly what type of person you are specifically interested in. Once with such an agency they will offer you people who they think would be worth contacting.

Would you be able to recommend me one of these agencies?
 
Turtlez said:
Mouse said:
Turtlez said:

Online dating has its pitfalls so you need to be extremely careful. If you really want to try dating, then go through a highly reputable dating agency. You will have to pay a fee for this, but you can tailor your personal information with your client to exactly what type of person you are specifically interested in. Once with such an agency they will offer you people who they think would be worth contacting.

Would you be able to recommend me one of these agencies?

Afraid I can't recommend any agency because you live in Canada and I live in another country, far, far away. Best you can do is read what is available on google and go from there. Sorry I can't help you more.
 
There's an odd balance when it comes to courting someone while at the same time taking it slow enough to get to know the person first. Best advice I got from my friend who's in a fantastic seven year relationship is that its best you make it clear that you're interested in her but at the same time be chilled about it. Essentially your thought process and what she should get from you should be "I like you and I want to get to know you better", so if she feels slightly the same she'll reciprocate the feeling and welp, things happen from there.

Also, the worst mistake you can make is immediately jump in a relationship with someone, it was easily the best and most soul-crushing five weeks of my life. Its like playing the lottery with your balls and hitting anything but jackpot results in painful loss.

Ultimately there's no one way to do it though, I've had terrible luck in getting into a relationship when I actively pursue one yet when I give up its like things just work out better for me while I know people who had the opposite experience. If actively pursuing one isn't working for you, best I recommend is focus on yourself and your hobbies and whatnot and try again later and see how it goes, its definitely best to take a break after a string of rejections, that stuff can destroy one.

Turtlez said:
I've even had a few cases where girls ask me to go get drinks or go to a movie and it sounds exactly like a date, but it never is.

Oh man, know dem feels. I've been straight up made out with and told afterwards it means absolutely nothing and that we should still just stay friends, its just best not to assume anymore when it comes to that stuff.
 

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