Pushing someone away

I don't even know if this is the right forum but I'm lost right now. I feel I have so many problems but maybe people know of these problems. Sorry for the extremely long post I'm drinking and having a very rough time.

I've had a friend now for about 5 months. I actually wanted to date her until I found out she still had feelings for someone and was getting back together. I've moved past that, but it was very difficult for sure.

Anyways I call her a friend and we have had a few issues along the way with how I am, which I will try to explain here, but I would absolutely do everything for her. She still isn't at the point to call me a friend as she says she's "not sure" about me, whatever that means, but I don't feel like I'm pressuring her. Anyways, she feels like I am, because I say she's awesome and I would do anything for her. I would though!! Anyways she asked for space and it kills me. All I've ever done is cared for her with all my heart!!! Apparently caring for someone too much can just flood them though and it makes no sense to me.

So anyways more than that I've really been trying to figure out the problems I have and there isn't one specific problem with me. I don't even know what to do.

The first problem I believe I may have is codependency. I can be the happiest person on the planet around her, but I can also feel like the biggest POS in the entire world, like right now. I can also feel pretty lousy if she's in a bad mood and I feel like I can't help or she doesn't want my help. I don't believe I'm fully considered "codependent" because I very rarely feel a connection to people to this extreme. Usually I care so little that I don't feel motivated to even do anything with them or care for them. Her I would hang out with every second of the day if I could and die for her. That must make me a freak and it's all so confusing to me.

The second problem is maybe I'm an introvert. It almost feels linked to my first problem. I don't feel connected to people most of the time. I can like talking to them but I just never feel "it" if that makes sense. For years I would spend my time alone on the computer and internet friends. If I got invited anywhere it would feel like a chore and most of the time I would deny. She's made me believe I'm not fully an introvert because I don't worry about any of that with her. It might be because it's been so long since I've really talked with a female, but why don't I feel any connections with males?

The third problem is I feel like I have social anxiety with people who don't show a ton of interest in me. If they show they want to talk to me then I have a lot less problems talking to them. If they show no interest, I am basically a mute person. It makes it very difficult to find those connections when people don't show interest, and if they do it's just small talk forever.

There are more small things I believe but I'm mind blocked right now. I'm sure that already makes me look like a freak.

So what do I do? I'm literally lost. I think I should work on my codependency issue which could fix the feeling for not caring for nearly anyone. Which could fix my confidence and help problem #3, and maybe even problem #2? I don't know.

Co-dependency is tough to deal with. People who are users and and manipulators seek out Co-Ds as a target.
They'll present themselves as your perfect mate / match / a friend for life. Until the mask they wear falls off and you see them as they truly see you.

I don't know how to work on Co-D, unless you seek intensive therapy. Traits are inherent from childhood. I know why I have some of these traits but that doesn't mean I am able to deal with them effectively.

It appears to me that you value yourself and sense of self worth based upon how someone sees or treats you. I no longer care if someone doesn't like me or looks upon me with some sort of judgmental view. I am usually outspoken and say what is on my mind...I"m not too PC, either. i believe in being honest. I'd advise you to start looking inward and be true to yourself.

Dealing with loneliness is another matter entirely, but being able to identify why you are acting in a certain manner is often a key to unlock a door allowing you to better understand and deal with people. I've only become aware that I've been lonely my entire life, it just comes and goes in varying waves / degrees. Finding happiness is a never ending effort for me.

I really do care if someone doesn't like me. I get kind of upset when I feel like people who don't know me don't even show they like me at all at work, which I probably show the same to them too. I almost feel like if they really knew me they would, until I started flooding them with my issues if it ever got to that point.

I've really been lonely for such a long time, maybe even my whole life as I've always used PC gaming as a way out of the real world. I've really outgrown that now and it's starting to put it's toll on me as I'm nearly 30. I feel like she's all I have.

I have no idea why I'm this way. Maybe from being bullied in school so much it actually made me drop out. I couldn't take it anymore. It killed my confidence dealing with people making fun of my acne and saying I was too skinny all my life. It's terrible how people are.

^^^

If people do not know you, yet say things in a negative light, it should not mean anything to you. They are just judgmental morons. I'd tell them so, out loud. Who cares what they say or how they respond?

i understand it is hard, i am 20 years older than you and still deal with loneliness that is all encompassing. i've had some messed up stuff happen to me when I was a kid / very young as well. But i wont let people's judgmental opinions of my character and circumstances affect me. I've got enough to deal with on my own!

I can relate to your "problem" but I think you really have only one "problem : You are an introvert, probably more than you thought. I feel exactly like you about meeting people and being a chores. You said it was fine when you were with her but careful eventually, after a few years, you will go back to be the introvert.

Now being an Introvert is not a bad thing at all and present a lot of advantages for your partner as well. I believe I read somewhere 40% of the people on Planet Earth is an Introvert.

I would recommend you search some articles about Introvert, it helped me a lot and you will learn to accept who you are and what kind of persons so should be looking for. oh and the drinking probably won't help you much getting back on your feet and feel good about yourself so I would recommend not to drink if you are depressed.

There is a good book I can recommend to you called "QUIET - The power of Introverts in a World that can't stop talking" by Susan Cain. You can also find some of her speeches on YouTube.

Also here a link to a Guide dating an Introvert : http://lonerwolf.com/dating-an-introvert-part-4/

I hope this will help