In my mind I keep seeing a scene of that stupid movie "the holiday", where Kate Winslet is going crazy with unrequited love and almost kills herself, and then she pulls her head out of the oven and saves herself, babbling: low point, very low point. I think i had only one period like this before in my life, but I was 14-15 so I had more energy to get out of it - some days I fear I will do something stupid just out of exhaustion.
As some of you know, some months ago I risked my first real depression, crying all the time for months etc. Considering that my life at the time was horrible and that it all happened after an experience of mobbing at work, instead of keeping going and taking antidepressants I decided to move, back for some months at my mother s house to get a driving license and think where to start everything again, at the young age of 42 (not).
Things haven't been going well, in these last 40 days :The new house is full of dust and I am having bad allergy all the time, I was hoping to find other people to make music with but I am so sick that I can hardly breath, let alone sing professionally - they found two herniated discs in my back some months ago and I spent two weeks half unconscious for the pain because I tried to wash my hair in a very low sink - my chronic illness is not happy with this so all improvement stopped. I am always quite alone and mostly meet people who have zero in common, even if I made a point to go out 3 times a week. My life purpose, singing, is f$&@/ed, my hair looks horrible, i am overweight, my face is covered with allergic rash which doesn't get me any extra admirers, I am too sick to work more than part time, and in any case I get so little joy from life that I can't concentrate most of the time. Whatever joy I had was from singing, and that is now destroyed with the allergy. It also hurts a lot because my mother promised to clean since january, and she is just not doing it, and no one else can help. I am now in a hotel to attend a music workshop and i think tomorrow i will just have to go back and quit because a) all possible combinations of bedding here kills my back and b) how can I attend with severe bronchitis? (And: no, there are no cures, I tried all the medications on the market and they kill the voice more than bronchitis). I know these are first world problems, except maybe the loneliness and the disability, but I am tired of not being able to do anything and missing all the fun because it s too noisy, too cold, bed hard, and crap like that. And now I am old... A middle aged spinster, people don t know in which box I fit, I am a danger to society and undesirable, I don' t know really what I am living for. All the time it has been for some kind of hope, but now I am tired..
How do I snap out of it? Suggestions? I don t want to just stay home and do nothi ng, but all these limitations make it difficult to do otherwise.
As some of you know, some months ago I risked my first real depression, crying all the time for months etc. Considering that my life at the time was horrible and that it all happened after an experience of mobbing at work, instead of keeping going and taking antidepressants I decided to move, back for some months at my mother s house to get a driving license and think where to start everything again, at the young age of 42 (not).
Things haven't been going well, in these last 40 days :The new house is full of dust and I am having bad allergy all the time, I was hoping to find other people to make music with but I am so sick that I can hardly breath, let alone sing professionally - they found two herniated discs in my back some months ago and I spent two weeks half unconscious for the pain because I tried to wash my hair in a very low sink - my chronic illness is not happy with this so all improvement stopped. I am always quite alone and mostly meet people who have zero in common, even if I made a point to go out 3 times a week. My life purpose, singing, is f$&@/ed, my hair looks horrible, i am overweight, my face is covered with allergic rash which doesn't get me any extra admirers, I am too sick to work more than part time, and in any case I get so little joy from life that I can't concentrate most of the time. Whatever joy I had was from singing, and that is now destroyed with the allergy. It also hurts a lot because my mother promised to clean since january, and she is just not doing it, and no one else can help. I am now in a hotel to attend a music workshop and i think tomorrow i will just have to go back and quit because a) all possible combinations of bedding here kills my back and b) how can I attend with severe bronchitis? (And: no, there are no cures, I tried all the medications on the market and they kill the voice more than bronchitis). I know these are first world problems, except maybe the loneliness and the disability, but I am tired of not being able to do anything and missing all the fun because it s too noisy, too cold, bed hard, and crap like that. And now I am old... A middle aged spinster, people don t know in which box I fit, I am a danger to society and undesirable, I don' t know really what I am living for. All the time it has been for some kind of hope, but now I am tired..
How do I snap out of it? Suggestions? I don t want to just stay home and do nothi ng, but all these limitations make it difficult to do otherwise.
