Chronic loneliness as a pathology

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cumulus.james

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I have been coming on this forum since my late 20's. Though I have enjoyed participating, it solved nothing. I've tried sleeping my way out of it, drinking my way out of it, clubbing my way out of it, gambling my way out of it, porn(ing?) my way out of it, and yes medicating my way out of it. Nothing works.

Nothing works.

It is time to stop with the endless advice on how to distract oneself from the loneliness, and start to accept that some of us will always be lonely. It is a permanent state. Once that is accepted, then what? What is the "treatment"? No matter how much Prozac or lamotrigine I'm still going to go to bed and wake up alone every day, I'm still going to spend every holiday and birthday alone, I'm still going to get older and older and lonelier and lonelier. I'm still going to be hurried by the state with no one to grieve for me.

A new approach to chronic loneliness is required. One that accepts it as a pathology which may persist for a lifetime. Then treatment and management can be developed.
 
cumulus.james said:
I've tried sleeping my way out of it, drinking my way out of it, clubbing my way out of it, gambling my way out of it, porn(ing?) my way out of it, and yes medicating my way out of it. Nothing works.

Those sound like all things you do alone. How can you expect to not be alone and depressed if you only do things by yourself?

I've said it before, I'll say it again. You should try to enjoy life, instead of hiding from it. Maybe then you'll start finding something that works.

Just my opinion, of course.
 
I agree. Loneliness may be a problem only because you turn it into one. I'm pretty lonely myself, but after a while, I realised that, for me atleast, it's ironically not correlated to the amount or quality of friends I have. You should consider that the root of the problem may not be the one you think it is, for one may be lonely, but at the same time popular and with many friends, yet they may feel lonely because they may be lacking a love partner, or a close family. For me, I think it may be due to a lack of life goals, or achievements in life or even future uncertainty. (And yes, these can cause legitimate loneliness). That may come in time, but in the meantime, you should try new things, and overall try to keep yourself distracted or doing something else, not thinking about it as an immediate critical problem.
 
Loneliness isn't a pathology because it is not a 'state of being' and isn't a disease. It is in fact just a certain way of thinking. It's solution lies within the realm of Psychology, not Pathology.

Loneliness occurs in pretty much everyone at some point in their lives. That's simply a fact of life. However, some people obviously have it worse than others. The reason being because loneliness is a mechanism that the body uses to tell you 'hey, I'm not okay with this situation'. It is a result of being unable to align the real world with your own personal idealized world, which is the goal of every living thing.
The reason some people are constantly lonely is due to the fact that it becomes a habit for them - just like some feel hungry and eat, while others feel hungry and eat too much too often, eventually causing themselves to feel hungry all the time or possibly to the point where they eat constantly even when not hungry at all.

Obviously you've not tried very hard to seek a 'cure' for loneliness if you're resorting to things like sleeping (constantly), drinking, sex, medications, and etc. These are all 'quick fixes' for momentary happiness - of course they won't work. That's like treating your constant hunger by eating increasing amounts of food. It is more likely to make things worse.
Exercise and healthy eating habits is the cure for over-eating, and hobbies and healthy social behavior is the cure for loneliness.
Healthy social behavior involves talking to people you meet, involving yourself in discussions, and generally actively participating in society and getting to know people. It requires going out of your comfort zone. As well, it is to see yourself as a person and not less than a person. To see yourself for who you really are. To know yourself so that others might be able to get to know you, too.

If loneliness was a disease then everyone has it, some just have a better immune system for it, meanwhile others just wallow in self-pity. Know what I'm saying?
It's not really a disease, it's a symptom of an incorrect mindset.

This place frustrates me, too, by the way. So what?
 
Nonsense. And I am talking about romantic/familial loneliness. Everything else is a distraction in the absence of that. You cannot get that intimacy and closeness from "friends". Friendship is an activity. Once apart you are separate not together. Loneliness might be described as not being "together" with someone in a way that delivers lasting companionship and a sense of security.
 
cumulus.james said:
Nonsense. And I am talking about romantic/familial loneliness. Everything else is a distraction in the absence of that. You cannot get that intimacy and closeness from "friends". Friendship is an activity. Once apart you are separate not together. Loneliness might be described as not being "together" with someone in a way that delivers lasting companionship and a sense of security.

You most definitely CAN have closeness with friends. But if you don't get out and actually participate in life, you will never have anything you want.
 
What is required is a lonely gay man of a certain age for me to get any understanding. It seems to me anyone who is not that is only going to wind me up. If your not prepared to accept that what I wrote in my op IS my life experience, and that I have a fair idea that many of my challenges are insurmountable, then go away.

I'm sick of being told how heterosexual people indoctrinated with capitalist-patriarchy view things.
 
cumulus.james said:
What is required is a lonely gay man of a certain age for me to get any understanding. It seems to me anyone who is not that is only going to wind me up. If your not prepared to accept that what I wrote in my op IS my life experience, and that I have a fair idea that many of my challenges are insurmountable, then go away.

I'm sick of being told how heterosexual people indoctrinated with capitalist-patriarchy view things.

Your sexual orientation has NOTHING to do with it. Stop using it as an excuse.
 
TheRealCallie said:
cumulus.james said:
What is required is a lonely gay man of a certain age for me to get any understanding. It seems to me anyone who is not that is only going to wind me up. If your not prepared to accept that what I wrote in my op IS my life experience, and that I have a fair idea that many of my challenges are insurmountable, then go away.

I'm sick of being told how heterosexual people indoctrinated with capitalist-patriarchy view things.

Your sexual orientation has NOTHING to do with it. Stop using it as an excuse.

I gave up posting on here a long time ago. I was right to. This place is no less ignorant than any other forum. I only stay using this because I do talk to another gay man on here, and this post was taken from what was supposed to be a message to him. And yes he does understand and appreciate what I say. He does know that the further you get away from youth the lonelier you will be as a gay man in the UK. Delusion and distraction are the usual tools to avoid the truth of one's isolation.
 
How was my advice in any conceived as Capitalist-patriarchal? There is so much irony in this, you could not even know. I am anything but someone who appeals to either Capitalism, Patriarchy, or any other traditional social conventions. It kind of makes me laugh that you said that.

And how was what I said unapplicable to a "lonely gay man"?
Romantic/familial loneliness is just one form of loneliness, and my advice was given to for all forms of loneliness. It is equally true despite any form or type and despite any qualities of yourself.

What you're obviously doing is rejecting advice and help because of your frustration with your situation, yet that advice might actually be valuable to you if you actually took it seriously.
Don't let your frustration with your situation get in the way of a 'cure'.

What you need to understand is that while your situation may be hard to deal with, it is only you who can make yourself happy in the end, not someone else. Being with someone else would certainly fill a void in your life that might make you feel more complete, but why is it people assume that filling every void in their life to be necessary for happiness? It's not.

People sometimes jokingly say that Life should come with a 'Handbook', but if such a handbook existed I'm pretty sure the only thing it would need to say is just: "Be happy despite all circumstances."
When you learn this trait, not only will your loneliness go away but I think you'll be able to find someone.

Yes, it is hard. Yes, you go through things I haven't, don't and won't ever experience. But what you seem to fail to realize is I, and others here, have also been through things that you also won't experience yourself. Hardships you may not be able to relate with. Does that mean that all advice is invalidated because of differences? Not at all. It only brings these universal truths forward. It brings about real truth and advice that works - because it works for everyone. If they actually listen and try it, that is...

Don't be 'that guy'.

And yes, this forum is not any "less ignorant" than any other forum. People here, people there. People are people, what did you expect?
 
cumulus.james said:
Oh Christ. *slits wrists*
Enjoying the drama? Maybe that's all you really want.
Maybe completely ignoring you would be more enjoyable for you?

When people try to help you, reacting in this way is just going to put people off. No wonder you can't find someone. You're not receptive, you're just rude. Being gay certainly doesn't excuse you from being rude, you know? That's a bad excuse for this attitude.
 
cumulus.james said:
[This user has died]
That certainly seems mature and not at all proving my point.

Maybe everyone just needs to ignore you before you actually get the point? Oh wait, I guess people are already ignoring you, since that's probably why you're here.
Want the rest of us to go, too? You only need to be a little more rude.

There's something to be said about people who push others away like this. You want to be alone? You're doing a good job of it. Are you afraid of getting help? What are you really afraid of here? Maybe you're afraid of getting too close to someone?
 
TheRealCallie said:
cumulus.james said:
Nonsense. And I am talking about romantic/familial loneliness. Everything else is a distraction in the absence of that. You cannot get that intimacy and closeness from "friends". Friendship is an activity. Once apart you are separate not together. Loneliness might be described as not being "together" with someone in a way that delivers lasting companionship and a sense of security.

You most definitely CAN have closeness with friends. But if you don't get out and actually participate in life, you will never have anything you want.

I agree with the op on this. However close a friendship may be, it is not the same as family or a partner.
 
Tiina63 said:
TheRealCallie said:
cumulus.james said:
Nonsense. And I am talking about romantic/familial loneliness. Everything else is a distraction in the absence of that. You cannot get that intimacy and closeness from "friends". Friendship is an activity. Once apart you are separate not together. Loneliness might be described as not being "together" with someone in a way that delivers lasting companionship and a sense of security.

You most definitely CAN have closeness with friends. But if you don't get out and actually participate in life, you will never have anything you want.

I agree with the op on this. However close a friendship may be, it is not the same as family or a partner.

Sharing blood and genes with a person does not make them family to me. My friends are just as much my family as the one I was born into. The same can be said of my paternal in-laws, who treat me more like family than my own does.
 
Tiina63 said:
I agree with the op on this. However close a friendship may be, it is not the same as family or a partner.
This is true, but it's not people who can actually make you happy. They can only help you to help yourself. You are always the one who is actually responsible for your own happiness in the end.
So if you're unhappy, the answer lies within. Not with friends, not with family, not with a partner. It requires you to understand yourself, to accept yourself, and to be happy with yourself.

The people who know this are usually the ones who find their partners, because their partners see in them something happy and see themselves in a happy relationship being with a happy person.

When someone is miserable, potential partners only see a negative outcome for the relationship. They will almost always end due to the fact that the future is bleak and depressing, because the individual they are with is bleak and depressed and doesn't truly know how to be happy, even when they are with a wonderful person.
The fact is no one wants a relationship like that. They want to be happy, too, and they will look for a happy person.

This is why miserable, rude, mean, and/or narcissistic people will usually end up alone.

TheRealCallie said:
Sharing blood and genes with a person does not make them family to me. My friends as just as much my family as the one I was born into. The same can be said of my paternal in-laws, who treat me more like family than my own does.
This is also true. Blood and genetics do not define what constitutes a 'family'. Closeness with people is what defines that.
A blood relationship can be as much a stranger as an actual stranger. Nothing naturally binds them, only closeness can do that.
Just as an adoptive relationship can be stronger than a blood relationship, everything binds them because the relationship is based on who the other person is without any strings attached.
 
What a ice it has been to have travelled so far and to never have found anyone who understands or accepts you.

To have been told that it's "you" and "your fault" since you were a kid.

I am made of different stuff. I function differently. This excludes me from life, since in life (as outlined by the responses in this thread) you must conform to be included. That is why I will always be alone. I do not conform, I am not like you. I am excluded.
 
cumulus.james said:
This excludes me from life, since in life (as outlined by the responses in this thread) you must conform to be included. That is why I will always be alone. I do not conform, I am not like you. I am excluded.

You exclude yourself from life by hiding from it. No one in this thread told you that you have to conform. No one in this thread said you have to be like everyone else. I would never say that to anyone.
 

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