Complicated relationship with parents.

Hi, my name is mark and I am 13 years old. I have a very complicated relationship with my parents. 2 years ago, my dad passed away. It was a very sad time for my mum. To be honest, I have never really gotten to know my parents that well... My dad passed away when I was 11 years old. He was always working. He leaves the house at 9 o'clock and comes back at 6-9 pm. After my dad passed away, my mum had to run my dad's business. So she became busy. She never seems to really talk to be that much. We fight everyday the time. When I try to talk to her normally/nicely, she doesn't reply to me. Even when she isn't working, she plays candy crush saga. Her eyes are always on the phone. She never seemed to really care about me. I see all the parents at my school, I see all the parents on tv, their all very caring and close to their kids. I just want to be like them. Sometimes, I just want to stab myself on purpose so I can get her attention. I really don't know what to do now... I mean, she is my mother, it is a direct relationship. I'll still be with her at least until I'm 18. I just want a normal relationship with her without fights, arguments or sadness.

First of all, welcome to the forum. I hope you stay because there are many good people here.

I am truly sad for loss of your father. Likewise, I lost mine a few years ago and it was a struggle. Even now I miss, him but we are told that the passing of time allows the healing of sad memories. Only your mother is probably feeling the same acute sadness that bereavement brings, and on top of that she has to keep your father's business going and that means working long hours on top of having to trudge round busy supermarkets and come home stressed to cook dinner. While she switches off after a long day's work, she de-stresses playing Candy Crush; I know the symptoms all too well.

When Dad was diagnosed with cancer, he shut off on me. Mother had moved to another country, for their marriage had ground to a halt and I was at a horrible school not helping. As Dad entered a world of his own, so I decided to tackle him. Instead of being confrontational which would have seriously annoyed him, instead - I sat down and wrote him a special letter. It was in pen and ink in my best handwriting. I drafted it out and left it it a few days for my anger and sadness to dissipate. Then I returned to writing again and left the letter on his pillow on his bed.

You could do the same to your Mum. Write her the most heartfelt letter. Choose your words with tenderness and understanding if it be possible. Draft it out first like I did Dad's, removing all the anger and frustration, the words that would have got his back up. Writing your Mum a letter likewise and leaving it somewhere private so she can be alone to read it.

When Dad read my letter he came and wrapped his arms roound me. We cried, we really cried big tears. But that letter opened the floodgates to the beginning of mutual understanding. It brought Dad to realise how much he had been neglecting me. My letter helped bring about a nicer daughter-father relationship; I am very glad I wrote to him.

I hope that if you write your dear Mum a letter, then she will take notice of you and begin repairing that which must be so painful and difficult right now.

Your school might have a Peer Support programme. This is where older students who have more life experience get to talk to their younger peers to listen and to provide practical help. You Head of Class may know of something similar. You could ask them.

My heart goes out to you.

Anna Mouse

PS. While I remember, there is an excellent forum for young people and older which you may find helpful even if you live in another country other than the UK.

The Student Room

When I was doing my online degree course, they were very helpful.

Mouse's advice is wonderful. If you think you could write a letter like that, I'd recommend it, too.

What should be important to know is that your mom is still grieving horribly, and she feels lost in her life. Not only that, but she is being forced to take over an entire company she probably does not even know how to run just to provide for you. You should know that she is doing that for you, too. Being an owner means there aren't limited work-hours or time-off, she has to work until the job is done every day. She might not get breaks. When she gets home, her mind has probably shut off from all the stress - the stress of dealing with work, the stress of losing someone she loved deeply, and the stress of having a child who she very likely knows is not getting the attention he needs and she has no energy left to figure out how to give it to him.

The fighting and the arguments is probably just her stress and the chaos of how she feels her life has become. Like I said, she feels lost - so she is just responding to things in the moment and letting her emotions get the best of her. You might also be doing some of this, too.

The best thing you can do is give her attention and to tell her how you feel. Whether it's a letter or something else doesn't matter too much. Just as long as you get that point across to her. This will help her to figure out what to do next, and it will help you to understand how she is feeling, too. You might not realize this but she needs you just as much as you need her right now.
This is a tough time for both of you, even if it has been 2 years. Things will get better eventually. For now, just try to do the best you can with each day.

Despicable Me said:

Mouse's advice is wonderful. If you think you could write a letter like that, I'd recommend it, too.

What should be important to know is that your mom is still grieving horribly, and she feels lost in her life. Not only that, but she is being forced to take over an entire company she probably does not even know how to run just to provide for you. You should know that she is doing that for you, too. Being an owner means there aren't limited work-hours or time-off, she has to work until the job is done every day. She might not get breaks. When she gets home, her mind has probably shut off from all the stress - the stress of dealing with work, the stress of losing someone she loved deeply, and the stress of having a child who she very likely knows is not getting the attention he needs and she has no energy left to figure out how to give it to him.

The fighting and the arguments is probably just her stress and the chaos of how she feels her life has become. Like I said, she feels lost - so she is just responding to things in the moment and letting her emotions get the best of her. You might also be doing some of this, too.

The best thing you can do is give her attention and to tell her how you feel. Whether it's a letter or something else doesn't matter too much. Just as long as you get that point across to her. This will help her to figure out what to do next, and it will help you to understand how she is feeling, too. You might not realize this but she needs you just as much as you need her right now.
This is a tough time for both of you, even if it has been 2 years. Things will get better eventually. For now, just try to do the best you can with each day.

Click to expand...

Thank you guys for your help and ideas. I really appreciate it. I am writing a letter now to my mum and express my feelings to her. Mother's day is coming up next month and I want the mother's day to be special to my mum.

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Despicable Me said:

Mouse's advice is wonderful. If you think you could write a letter like that, I'd recommend it, too.

What should be important to know is that your mom is still grieving horribly, and she feels lost in her life. Not only that, but she is being forced to take over an entire company she probably does not even know how to run just to provide for you. You should know that she is doing that for you, too. Being an owner means there aren't limited work-hours or time-off, she has to work until the job is done every day. She might not get breaks. When she gets home, her mind has probably shut off from all the stress - the stress of dealing with work, the stress of losing someone she loved deeply, and the stress of having a child who she very likely knows is not getting the attention he needs and she has no energy left to figure out how to give it to him.

The fighting and the arguments is probably just her stress and the chaos of how she feels her life has become. Like I said, she feels lost - so she is just responding to things in the moment and letting her emotions get the best of her. You might also be doing some of this, too.

The best thing you can do is give her attention and to tell her how you feel. Whether it's a letter or something else doesn't matter too much. Just as long as you get that point across to her. This will help her to figure out what to do next, and it will help you to understand how she is feeling, too. You might not realize this but she needs you just as much as you need her right now.
This is a tough time for both of you, even if it has been 2 years. Things will get better eventually. For now, just try to do the best you can with each day.

Click to expand...

Thank you guys for your help and ideas. I really appreciate it. I am writing a letter now to my mum and express my feelings to her. Mother's day is coming up next month and I want the mother's day to be special to my mum.

I am sure your mum will be deeply moved.