STILL searching...

Hello, all. Been a while since I checked in.

Wish I had better news to report, but I don't.

I'm still single. 16 months of struggle, the last 12 of which have been truly hellish.

I HATE IT. I hate this more than anything I've ever had to experience in my life. More than I knew it was even possible to hate something.

It's truly amazing how something that I tolerated for so long (my whole life up to this point, I'm 35) is now so abhorrent that the ONLY thing I can think of is not being single anymore. ALL I want is to find someone so I can get past this awful roadblock and on to the rest of my life.

It sucks having so many dreams for the future that I have to put on hold since she's not in my life yet. I'm being held back from something I really need, and that hurts.

This has gone far past being a want. This is a need, a basic human need. I NEED someone with whom to share my life, simple as that. I am so tired of having to justify that statement to happily coupled people who give me the old, 'be happy with yourself' line over and over again. It's not like any of them have any idea what I'm going through.

It's a constant war within myself - between feeling like I'm way too good a guy for this crap and that I deserve so much better and feeling like I get exactly what I deserve so clearly this is how things are supposed to be for me.

It's exhausting. This whole experience has taken so much out of me.

There is NO substitute for a romantic relationship. And no matter how busy I try to keep myself with singles events and non-singles events, seeing friends, etc., at the end of the day, I'm still alone. I have to lay in that bed alone night after night feeling like a total failure as a man.

It's very hard for me to feel like a real man when I consistently fail at the one thing I feel I should just know how to do as a man - find a mate.

To top it off, my best friend went from a terrible relationship where the woman treated him badly to finding his soulmate after ONE WEEK on a dating website a whopping two months after his terrible relationship ended. Talk about an easy do-over. This wonderful relationship was basically handed to him.

I know I shouldn't compare our situations, but he is my best friend. Of course I'm going to compare. I've never had such a close-up view of what a good relationship looks like, and it's infuriating to see how happy I COULD be if I was as lucky as he is.

I don't know...sometimes this whole thing feels like a demented test. I keep trying to find some meaning in all of this pain, but it just feels like needless cruelty at this point.

I saw some quote online that basically said that everything else in your life can be terrible, but if you have a good relationship, you feel like you're on top of the world. When things are good in terms of love, your life overall is good.

Unfortunately, as I've found, this also seems to work the other way around. Everything else in your life can be great, but if you want a good relationship, you feel nothing but pain. When things are bad in terms of love, your life overall is bad.

At least, that's how it's been for me. The pain of my heart trumps all.

Guess I have to keep trying until my 'lucky day' comes along. EVERYTHING just hurts right now. Can't wait for this to be over.

LonelyGuy1 said:

To top it off, my best friend went from a terrible relationship where the woman treated him badly to finding his soulmate after ONE WEEK on a dating website a whopping two months after his terrible relationship ended. Talk about an easy do-over. This wonderful relationship was basically handed to him.

I know I shouldn't compare our situations, but he is my best friend. Of course I'm going to compare. I've never had such a close-up view of what a good relationship looks like, and it's infuriating to see how happy I COULD be if I was as lucky as he is.

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I don't want to say anything horrible about your friend's relationship, because I surely don't know about it, but that would be my point to you. It's greener grass on the other side of the fence to you because that's what you'd like to have. But we truly never know what's going on behind closed doors. In many situations, one would see happy go-lucky people in a warm, loving environment - but what goes on in the privacy of their lives could be something completely different.

I'm not saying that this is how your friend's relationship is; I'm simply saying that it's quite the situation in many other relationships. I don't particularly think it was handed to him quite like how you'd imagine either. You have to remember, through your own words, he suffered in a bad relationship prior to this good one. So, things weren't a walk in the park for him either, regardless of if his life seems good now.

Hi just a thought, your post screams of how desperate you feel. Women pick up on this, and it can be an instant turn off.

Have you thought instead of putting what you will do and how you will treat the love of your life when you meet her, instead of your own needs first. Because when given the chance to be in a successful relationship you need to think of each others needs just as importantly as your own.

i have to say, being much older, I feel for the OP. So many dreams I had won't happen now and that makes me depressed and lonley nearly all the time.

However, you have to respect your own needs first, no matter how much you ache for a partner. Being selfless puts a target on your back to be taken advantage of by messed up ladies, those who play games for their own pleasure, or due to personality disorders (ladies who attract and then abandon or discard men as they see fit).

The worst thing to kill your self esteem and confidence for good is to meet one of these disordered ladies. You won't be able to tell something is wrong right away - especially if you are desperate and craving female companionship. She'll come on full of charm and ease, making it seem like she truly cares for you. She'll lure you in, as your feelings become invested, and then, just as you are all comfy and feel like true love has found you after a long, lonely wait - one of two things will transpire- she will start to withdraw slowly, and show behaviors she hid so well as she lured you in.
The other instance is more soul crushing - overnight or in a manner of minutes, it seems, she will turn on you or just mention, devoid of any emotion, that your relationship is ending, or even over. She'll just pick up her things and stroll off. She might even not tell you anything - they just go completely silent and not contact you. As if you never existed, or meant anything to her. Can you say disheartening?

Oh, you will go crazy to insane trying to figure out what happened. You'll be absolutely shattered. You'll believe that you were the reason, even though you did everything you could to be selfless and understanding. It is the same as if a family member or close friend died without warning. no matter how you attempt to re-engage her, she'll ignore you. The final boulder crushing you for good is when you find out she's moved on with another guy. someone whom she will repeat the cycle with for a period of time.

Believe me, being single and alone without knowing what it is like to truly love is better than risking a chance when you are so alone and desperate. Because the women you will almost guarantee to attract are the emotional preditors - those who cannot love like a non disordered person can.

I think if the OP met someone like I did (twice!) he'd not be able to cope. I'm having trouble after all this time.

Your best bet is to sign up for a pay matchmaking company, where people are screened before being accepted tot the service and paying. This way, you can have better odds at meeting someone who is looking for a partner, and they are not disordered.

^If I met a guy who talked about his needs all the time, I would be turned off. Over the years I have heard a lot of guys and women talk about their situation and they come across as all consumed with themselves and their woes that people are turned off and tune out. I have had an excrutiating first date with a guy who gave me his life history of dating or lack off and how it was all the other women's fault, which he had already told me via text numerous times before meeting. I tried gently turning the conversation into something else and it just kept returning. I am all for listening to peoples problems, but a whole date, I couldn't get to know the real him, he wasn't interested about learning anything new with me either. After declining a 2nd date as their was one other reason I didn't want to carry on seeing him, I was added to his list of women who let him down etc.

These women who do pray on men and erode their self esteem sound vile. Women like that give me and my friends a generalisation that doesn't help.

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^ I do like your last idea.

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Oh and Vanilla Cream is right, you have no idea what goes on behind close doors. In a previous job I was continually suprised at what some people saw as a happy family.

Sounds like you have become obsessed with finding someone.
I don't think this is doing you any favours.
It is making it harder for you to meet a nice woman.
You need to change the way you think.

I agree that talking about one's self during the entire, or most of a first date is a turn off. That situation happened to me, and i tried to give her a chance. i should have bailed a lot earlier. I don;t generalize She-ra, but I have not had the good fortune of meeting a normal girl yet. It has a lot to do with me.

When I mentioned looking out for your own needs first, I mean to not be totally selfless to another right from the get-go. If someone is interested, and you sense potential, roll it back a bit. Don't start telling the person that you can see them as a perfect partner. Or going out of your way to please them. It's unnatural.

Most of my relationships started out slowly, as they should. The girls i met who went into 100% clingy mode only lasted a few dates. While I am lonely & longing for female companionship, like the OP, I also need my alone time too. Being able to trust each other is always priority #1. My worry is the OP would become a doormat for any girl / woman who is interested in him. You have to be strong for yourself.

I agree that talking about one's self and one's own needs the whole time on a date would be a turn off. However, on here the op is not on a date and has come here to vent and for understanding, so I see nothing off putting about his post in this context.
Lonelyguy1-I am as lonely as you are and have tried for a long time to meet someone to share life with in a close and loving relationship. Also can't stand the 'be happy with yourself' line handed out by people coupled up, or by people who are happy alone. If I never marry (which at my increasing age is looking more and more likely) I will never really be happy or fulfilled in my heart.
It is impossible to know what to suggest as you will have tried all of the 'go out and meet people,' 'do internet dating' and 'ask friends and family if they know anyone suitable' etc suggestions. Life can be cruel and it hurts even more when you see others seeming to get into relationships so easily. I don't know if your situation will change but I hope very much that it will and that you meet someone really nice.

Tiina63 said:

Also can't stand the 'be happy with yourself' line handed out by people coupled up, or by people who are happy alone.

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No offense, but you people ever wander that maybe the reason some people might give that advice and also be "coupled up" (or "happy alone") is specifically because they actually follow that philosophy and were able to meet someone through it?
I find the thinking a bit shallow to just disregard such advice just because someone might be happy, no matter their relationship status. Have you truthfully never wondered where that happiness might come from?
This is awkward to say the least... And yeah, maybe I'm one of those people. So what? The truth is the truth.

Despicable Me said:

Tiina63 said:

Also can't stand the 'be happy with yourself' line handed out by people coupled up, or by people who are happy alone.

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No offense, but you people ever wander that maybe the reason some people might give that advice and also be "coupled up" (or "happy alone") is specifically because they actually follow that philosophy and were able to meet someone through it?

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Personally, not really. All the people I know who tell others to "Learn to be happy alone" have been part of a couple almost constantly since they were young teens, jumping from relationship to relationship, and freak out or fall into depression if they ever find themselves single or without their significant other for any length of time. They whine even more than people here sometimes, and expect to be comforted. Upon finding themselves alone, I've known people like this to shut down (stop going to work and etc.), cut themselves, threaten suicide every day until they find someone new, and one particularly memorable day I spent with someone who, after one day single, was writhing around in bed as if in agony and literally screaming about how lonely they were and that they would be alone forever and they might as well be dead because the only point of life was to pair up. (Said person started a new relationship a few days later.)

I have lots of examples, lol. That's just my experience though. It doesn't invalidate your point. I don't think anyone should be told to be happy alone, however, and particularly not by a hypocrite, because that's just infuriating as well as dismissive (although know-it-alls can be just as infuriating).

Being happy with yourself (different than being happy alone) is always worth working towards, regardless of relationship status. But I think it is mostly independent of whether one is or should be in a relationship. For most people, becoming happy with themselves is an ongoing lifelong process, not something that is accomplished permanently.

Solvigant I agree with you. The people who give this advice are the ones who are in a relationship and have been in relationships for years but who expect those of us who are alone to be happy with it even though they themselves would hate it.
Despicable me-I think from my own experience and from the experiences of many people I have encountered that most of us do get happiness from being in a relationship. Not many people are really happy on their own or have the self sufficiency to meet all of their own needs for love. Loving and being loved are fundamental human needs and most of us need to express these needs in relation to others.

I think you have to work on yourself before going in to a relationship, I speak from painful recent experience,I met a lovely man who I have a lot in common with and we could've had the best relationship but the problem is because we had so much baggage before we got together,we put that in to the relationship and now we can barely speak to each other. In hindsight I would've spent time getting myself to a better place where I was happier before getting involved with someone and it would've probably helped me to be able to give more to the relationship.

She-ra said:

^If I met a guy who talked about his needs all the time, I would be turned off. Over the years I have heard a lot of guys and women talk about their situation and they come across as all consumed with themselves and their woes that people are turned off and tune out. I have had an excrutiating first date with a guy who gave me his life history of dating or lack off and how it was all the other women's fault, which he had already told me via text numerous times before meeting. I tried gently turning the conversation into something else and it just kept returning. I am all for listening to peoples problems, but a whole date, I couldn't get to know the real him, he wasn't interested about learning anything new with me either. After declining a 2nd date as their was one other reason I didn't want to carry on seeing him, I was added to his list of women who let him down etc.

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That's pretty bad on his behalf. And then to say that you let him down when all you really did was realize there wasn't any connection... Makes me glad I never dated.

VanillaCreme said:

She-ra said:

^If I met a guy who talked about his needs all the time, I would be turned off. Over the years I have heard a lot of guys and women talk about their situation and they come across as all consumed with themselves and their woes that people are turned off and tune out. I have had an excrutiating first date with a guy who gave me his life history of dating or lack off and how it was all the other women's fault, which he had already told me via text numerous times before meeting. I tried gently turning the conversation into something else and it just kept returning. I am all for listening to peoples problems, but a whole date, I couldn't get to know the real him, he wasn't interested about learning anything new with me either. After declining a 2nd date as their was one other reason I didn't want to carry on seeing him, I was added to his list of women who let him down etc.

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That's pretty bad on his behalf. And then to say that you let him down when all you really did was realize there wasn't any connection... Makes me glad I never dated.

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He didn't allow an opportunity for a connection unfortunately.

HoodedMonk said:

VanillaCreme said:

She-ra said:

^If I met a guy who talked about his needs all the time, I would be turned off. Over the years I have heard a lot of guys and women talk about their situation and they come across as all consumed with themselves and their woes that people are turned off and tune out. I have had an excrutiating first date with a guy who gave me his life history of dating or lack off and how it was all the other women's fault, which he had already told me via text numerous times before meeting. I tried gently turning the conversation into something else and it just kept returning. I am all for listening to peoples problems, but a whole date, I couldn't get to know the real him, he wasn't interested about learning anything new with me either. After declining a 2nd date as their was one other reason I didn't want to carry on seeing him, I was added to his list of women who let him down etc.

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That's pretty bad on his behalf. And then to say that you let him down when all you really did was realize there wasn't any connection... Makes me glad I never dated.

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He didn't allow an opportunity for a connection unfortunately.

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Also the biggest reason for me not wanting to continue wasn't even all that. It was what he asked to do on a 2nd date, I won't share here, but whatever you are guessing it was worse and highly inappropriate, and he couldn't understand why I wasn't interested. That's when all the talk of being let down began, and much worse before I blocked him.

Tiina63 said:

Solvigant I agree with you. The people who give this advice are the ones who are in a relationship and have been in relationships for years but who expect those of us who are alone to be happy with it even though they themselves would hate it.

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Generalizations like that generally aren't true, ya know?
Even Solivagant acknowledged that his (or her) experiences don't make my point any less true.

I'd appreciate it if these negative generalizations stopped.

Tiina63 said:

Despicable me-I think from my own experience and from the experiences of many people I have encountered that most of us do get happiness from being in a relationship. Not many people are really happy on their own or have the self sufficiency to meet all of their own needs for love.

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Let me stop you there. You're throwing together a bunch of problems and then seemingly implying that they all have one cause and the only solution for all of them is having a relationship.
So let's break them down:
1. You can get happiness from being in a relationship WITHOUT 'needing' that relationship to be happy. They are completely and totally different things.

2. The fact that "not many people are happy on their own or have the self sufficiency to meet all of their own needs" is exactly what I was pointing out before. This is an internal thing and requires that the individual be dependent on relationships which is the source of their unhappiness, and possibly even many of their relationship problems. Serephina provided an excellent example of how these things get in the way of new relationship.
To learn to be 'self-sufficient' as you might call it is important, because otherwise you're just using your relationships to fill a need, rather than enjoying the relationships because you want love.

3. You don't need to be self-sufficient to meet 'ALL' of your needs for love, you just need to understand and love yourself. That's all. When you have that it is much easier to find a relationship because people enjoy others who know themselves well and accept who they are. These are people who don't let the negativity stop them from enjoying life. And who doesn't want to be with someone like that?
Sure, it might mean that you still can't find someone who you're completely compatible with, since there are tons of people you probably aren't compatible with, but it does make it much easier for many different reasons.

And there's a difference between some hypocrite telling you that you need to be completely happy before anyone will love you and simply someone telling you that you need to love yourself so that you can more easily find a good relationship. These are also completely different things.

Just look at the facts.
If you're unhappy being alone, if you're 'dependent' on relationships, and if you are negative about your prospects, then how are you going to find someone who loves you for who you are? Are you really 'requiring' everyone you meet to look past the unhappiness, to look past the dependency issues, and to look past the negativity? That's a lot of pressure for someone with you just entered into a relationship. Isn't it?

You don't need to be 100% happy all the time, but you don't need to be unhappy all the time either. The trick is just to love and accept yourself for who you are and to stay positive, ignoring the negative whenever possible.

I mean it's basic math.
Unhappy + negative = unappealing
Happy + positive = appealing

All I'm really suggesting to you is that you can choose and don't have to just go with the one that you've always gone with.
So there is just one simple question remaining: Which would you rather be?

Tiina63 said:

Loving and being loved are fundamental human needs and most of us need to express these needs in relation to others.

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No offense, but that is quite wrong.
Being loved is a desire. If it were a "fundamental human need" then you could not possibly see things like monks living alone in the mountains and such. They do not really experience what it means to be loved, and they are fine with that. If it were fundamental to their humanity then this could literally never happen.

And by the way, I do resent the idea that you can disregard people's advice just because they might be happier than you. That kind of defeats the purpose of advice, doesn't it? You seem to be missing the point when you do that.
Try not to do that, please. It's just more negativity that you don't need.

Despicable Me said:

Tiina63 said:

Solvigant I agree with you. The people who give this advice are the ones who are in a relationship and have been in relationships for years but who expect those of us who are alone to be happy with it even though they themselves would hate it.

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Generalizations like that generally aren't true, ya know?
Even Solivagant acknowledged that his (or her) experiences don't make my point any less true.

I'd appreciate it if these negative generalizations stopped.

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I was kind of thinking the same thing. Relationship advice in general, on either side of fence, some people tend to disregard words given from someone in a relationship simply because they are in a relationship. I was and would be perfectly fine on my own. A relationship doesn't change the fact that I'm okay being alone. And I didn't hate being alone.

By the same token, some people come across as if they have the magic answers to the lonely and unattached folks.

It's one thing to lament woe is me 24/7. I do not do that. I am unhappy that I'm still single after some damaging failures. I'm working toward getting back up off the mat, but it takes a lot more effort the older you become.

You cannot "flip a switch" and make yourself happy if you do not feel that way most of the time. It takes a LOT of work. Most berhavior is formed in childhood, before the age of 5. How we deal with things as life goes on can often be traced to upbringing.

Rejection can be stifling and paralyzing. We all can't be happy being alone. Nor should we be if that is not one's choice.
And, despite what you might think, Monks included, it is unnatural for the majority of human beings to not "pair up".

Despicable Me said:

I mean it's basic math.
Unhappy + negative = unappealing
Happy + positive = appealing

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Hm, I don't remember learning that in math class.

Solivagant said:

Despicable Me said:

I mean it's basic math.
Unhappy + negative = unappealing
Happy + positive = appealing

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Hm, I don't remember learning that in math class.

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Really? Gosh you should've learned it in 1st grade. So basic.