Relationship issues when you have an inheritance

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Alonewith2cats

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Hi. I haven't posted here in a long time but now I need advice. Apparently being lucky has a price. Other people want to be lucky too. I own my own condo and only have to pay $290.00 association fee, cable, cell phone, electricity and groceries. No mortgage. My parents in order to protect me from any man who might want to take advantage advised me that if a significant other were to move in with me he should pay just like he was living anywhere else. They say I should ask for at least $500.00 per month because if I actually asked for 50% of household bills he would still be living off my inheritance and taking advantage. Half the association fee is 145.00 per month. It's a cheap ride and they firmly believe no good man wants to be supported by a woman. I have been dating a man who was in San Diego, moved to Texas, had a heart attack and got evicted from his apartment and now is back in San Diego and temporarily staying with me. Right now I am only having him split the cost of food but said that if he stays with me more than 30 days I need him to contribute more. He does not see logic in giving me $500.00 per month since I don't have to pay $1,000.00 per month rent. He only agrees with splitting half the actual bills. My parents disagree. In your opinion who is right? I want to be fair and I don't want him to live off me but I want to help him.
 
your parents seem the ones to have a problem with someone living in the house and taking advantage of the money they offered, can THEY ask him to pay?
Or can you say that if not for him you would have taken in a tenant for the other room, and that you need that income?
Or just that you are happy to help him for the moment but that you are not comfortable with him staying there until you know him better and put a deadline for him living in the house? (because this is what it is about, right? making sure that he doesn't want to live off you, which could be possible as the world is a bad place)
I guess that if you were sure of his intentions and if he was self-standing //self supporting both you and your parents won't have an issue with you sharing your house and bringing in other things in exchange.
I had a similar situation years and years ago and I did feel very uncomfortable and guilty for having those feelings, but I also wasn't sure about the intentions of that guy (didn't end well, but possibly because I didn't safeguard my boundaries as I am suggesting you to do now).
 
Alonewith2cats said:
He does not see logic in giving me $500.00 per month since I don't have to pay $1,000.00 per month rent. He only agrees with splitting half the actual bills. My parents disagree. In your opinion who is right? I want to be fair and I don't want him to live off me but I want to help him.

He probably only thinks it's illogical because he may not want to pay. I, too, think 500 is a bargain. I'm sure he knows that many places are lot more expensive than that. And the fact that he was shifted out of his own apartment should make him grateful, because trust me, that's not a pleasant thing to go through.
 
I don't really see the logic in it either though. Do you want him there or no? Are you his girlfriend or his landlord?

Anyways, as long as we are supporting gender norms, I'm hoping you do all the cooking and cleaning yeah?
 
kamya said:
I don't really see the logic in it either though. Do you want him there or no? Are you his girlfriend or his landlord?

I'm inclined to agree with this. If it's your inheritance, it's yours. If you don't trust a man, don't have him in your home, if you do trust him that much, i don't see why he should pay rents like that.
 
Rosebolt said:
kamya said:
I don't really see the logic in it either though. Do you want him there or no? Are you his girlfriend or his landlord?

I'm inclined to agree with this. If it's your inheritance, it's yours. If you don't trust a man, don't have him in your home, if you do trust him that much, i don't see why he should pay rents like that.

Because if he's going to end up living there, he should contribute to the household. He should just laze around doing absolutely nothing, being completely taken care of by someone? Even if he didn't give money, contribute to where you live. Clean - mop, do dishes, dust, make sure your laundry is done and out of the way. You don't just freeload on someone, even if it's not monetary, contribute somehow.
 
VanillaCreme said:
Rosebolt said:
kamya said:
I don't really see the logic in it either though. Do you want him there or no? Are you his girlfriend or his landlord?

I'm inclined to agree with this. If it's your inheritance, it's yours. If you don't trust a man, don't have him in your home, if you do trust him that much, i don't see why he should pay rents like that.

Because if he's going to end up living there, he should contribute to the household. He should just laze around doing absolutely nothing, being completely taken care of by someone? Even if he didn't give money, contribute to where you live. Clean - mop, do dishes, dust, make sure your laundry is done and out of the way. You don't just freeload on someone, even if it's not monetary, contribute somehow.

I agree with Vanilla Creme. He made some tasty meatballs last night. My parents just want to protect me and think the best way is to get a man to support me and not the other way around because if a man gave me $500.00 per month he would cover most of my bills. But it should be a partnership, a team effort. Unfortunately parents by dictating or meddling and basically being overprotective can ruin happy relationships. So splitting the bills 50/50 is an easy ride for him in my situation but he can contribute in non-monetary ways. Thank you.
 
VanillaCreme said:
Because if he's going to end up living there, he should contribute to the household. He should just laze around doing absolutely nothing, being completely taken care of by someone? Even if he didn't give money, contribute to where you live. Clean - mop, do dishes, dust, make sure your laundry is done and out of the way. You don't just freeload on someone, even if it's not monetary, contribute somehow.

Obviously yes. I was simply refering to the monetary issue. I did not catch that the broader view was also an issue. Shouldn't equal distribution of tasks be natural?
 
Unless the extra from that $500 that's left over is going towards paying for dates and things for you to do together, it all seems pretty messed to me. How much extra support could you possibly need? You already have basically free housing.

I'd say splitting half the bills and the chores is how it should be until he is able to leave.

Nilla are you saying that if your boyfriend inherited a house tomorrow, you would be ok with paying him $500/mo to stay with and support him?
 
Kamya, my parents trained me like this to protect me. I don't know if it's right. If the guy splits my association fee with me he only has to pay $145.00 per month "rent." He wouldn't get this anywhere else so just by living with me a guy can share my inheritance with me. My parents are concerned because it basically gives me Sugar Mamma status. I don't want to be a sugar mamma and I am not by any means a gold digger and I too question the morality of taking $500.00 from a man every month when I don't pay $1,000.00 rent even though in the expensive city of San Diego $500.00 rent for a 2 bedroom apartment is a very good deal. I just want to know the right thing to do.
 
Rosebolt said:
Obviously yes. I was simply refering to the monetary issue. I did not catch that the broader view was also an issue. Shouldn't equal distribution of tasks be natural?

If you say that, then equal distribution of mortgage/rental payments should occur, too.

kamya said:
Unless the extra from that $500 that's left over is going towards paying for dates and things for you to do together, it all seems pretty messed to me. How much extra support could you possibly need? You already have basically free housing.

I'd say splitting half the bills and the chores is how it should be until he is able to leave.

Nilla are you saying that if your boyfriend inherited a house tomorrow, you would be ok with paying him $500/mo to stay with and support him?

With the things I've done for him over the years? Hell no. But my situation is different from this. Would I help pay and clean and take care of the house, yes absolutely. I certainly don't expect him to take care of me regardless of what I've done for him, because I can carry my own weight. I would contribute to the best of my ability and to what I thought was fair. $500 is more than generous here, but if that meant the household was taken care of, it's all relative.

Also, it doesn't matter if the housing is basically free for the person that it belongs to. That doesn't mean that anyone else has the natural born right to slump around in it and not have to pay a dime. It's not dude's house. He doesn't have that right, and unless he's given permission to stay there without worry, he should pay for where he lives.
 
I have to agree with Nilla on this one, honestly. However, if YOU feel that $500 is too much, maybe lessen the cost. How much is rent on average where you live? I would take whatever that is and slice it in half, maybe a little less if you feel he shouldn't have to pay that much. But regardless whether you own the house free and clear, pay a high mortgage/rent, or pay little doesn't really make a difference. If he's only staying for a few weeks or a few months, that's one thing, but after that, he needs to pay rent like he would anywhere else.
 
Yeah, maybe 500 is too much. But then again, it's relative to the area. 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom down here can cost at the lowest $250 for the month. But I know up in New Jersey, the same house could cost $1400 a month. I could never go back up to Jersey and say, "Oh, I pay $300 in Mississippi, so that's what I expect to pay here." They'd laugh in my face.

Perhaps he could pay 150, 200 or so. That's totally up to Alonewith2cats. But that doesn't mean he shouldn't pay, unless that's the arrangement they have with each other.
 
Pretty sure this is going to end up ending this relationship then. Oh well, if that's how your parents want it to be. Maybe I'm single for a reason. I for sure wouldn't be paying $500 when it costs less than $200 to rent. Can't think of many people I know that would either. You guys all agree yet if it was you paying the $500 all of a sudden "my situation is different". /ok
 
OP, the right thing to do is whatever makes you feel good about your decision. You are an adult and are capable of deciding what is right for you. Granted, your parents were trying to protect you and that is a good thing. However, I wouldn't necessarily abide by their wishes if it makes you feel uncomfortable in any way.

That being said, if this dude's attitude about even being asked to make that kind of contribution gives you pause, I would pay attention. I agree with the other posters that $500 is a bargain.

Have you discussed the long term plan? Is he interested in staying 30 days or longer and making this a more permanent deal? Are you interested in him staying longer? If you know him well, trust him and just offering a temporary place to crash, I wouldn't worry about the extra cash unless you need it. If you have any reservations about his character, or the possibility of him taking advantage of you, you should explore why that is before allowing him to continue staying there.

As a side note, if you encounter a similar situation in the future, I would refrain from volunteering your 'discounted' payment until things are more serious. I am only guessing, but I presume this fella doesn't have access to your bank accounts or other financial affairs? If that is the case, he doesn't need to know what you pay, anyway. That's your business.

Either way, good luck. I'm sure you will make the right choice.
 
It's not free housing. My monthly association fee is $290.00. We are not at a relationship level to live together. It's a place to stay until he either finds an apartment or can stay with his friend who currently has bronchitis. We are in the dating phase. I am enjoying our time together but I wouldn't want to live with a man unless the relationship has progressed to the point where I could see myself marrying him. We are not there. The deal I made with him, more than generous. We split the cost of food 50/50 but if he stays with me more than 30 days then I want half the association fee, half the cable bill (he watches a lot of TV), half the electric bill, half the laundry bill and half the cost of food. I think in the expensive city of San Diego with prices comparable to New Jersey it isn't just a bargain, it's a steal!!!
 
Alonewith2cats said:
It's not free housing. My monthly association fee is $290.00. We are not at a relationship level to live together. It's a place to stay until he either finds an apartment or can stay with his friend who currently has bronchitis. We are in the dating phase. I am enjoying our time together but I wouldn't want to live with a man unless the relationship has progressed to the point where I could see myself marrying him. We are not there. The deal I made with him, more than generous. We split the cost of food 50/50 but if he stays with me more than 30 days then I want half the association fee, half the cable bill (he watches a lot of TV), half the electric bill, half the laundry bill and half the cost of food. I think in the expensive city of San Diego with prices comparable to New Jersey it isn't just a bargain, it's a steal!!!

I think that's very reasonable.
 
I've been in that situation before, that circumstances caused me to provide a home to somebody at the start of a relationship. The relationship didn't go well, and I think the fact that i was essentially supporting him was a big part of that. I was paying all the bills, working full time, and still doing most of the housework etc. I wasn't happy and he wasn't happy either.

Whatever you decide, my suggestion would be to move to a situation you can both agree on as quickly as possible. Otherwise your relationship might be permanently damaged.
 

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