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Pyropath

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People are extremely confusing, and it frustrates me. For some reason, I feel as if I can not emotionally connect with anyone. Whenever I talk to people it doesn't feel like I am actually talking to another person, as if they were an animal or anything less capable than a human.

So I need some advice. How can I keep a conversation going without a crap ton of awkward silences. I don't get nervous when talking to people or anything like that, but I just run out of things to say. Most of the time I feel like it's the other person's fault for not participating in the conversation enough. Like, I have to do all the talking.

For example, if I go up to someone and say "How's it going", they usually say something like "Good". This really frustrates me because just that one word gives me nothing to go off of. How would one continue the conversation at that point? And even when I get the conversation to push past that point by asking a random question or something, they give me short choppy responses that never lead into other topics. It's difficult to have to pretty much lead a conversation by yourself.

The only way I have been able to start conversations with people is to talk about philosophical stuff (there is literally nothing else I can think of saying), but people get weirded out by that for some reason, and then I once again run into the same issues I have had before.

It seems the issue does not lie within me, but within everyone else. Does anyone have some advice for me?
 
Rather than simply bounce off what they say, bring things to react to. It's less artificial when people just say things instead of needing a lead before they ask a question, share a thought, or bring up a topic. People who are consistently brief probably aren't interested, so there's no point in trying to draw them out by pelting them with yet more questions.

As for philosophy... yeah, I know that problem, too.

I can emotionally connect, I just feel that I live in a different world from everyone around me. I don't enjoy self-aggrandizing behavior and I try not to look at others in terms of utility--whether I can get sex, money, entertainment, status, or validation from them. To do so demeans me, and it demeans them. I can't stand tribalism, and think it's more offensive to deny truth than to deny conformity or hurt feelings.
 
Tealeaf said:
Rather than simply bounce off what they say, bring things to react to. It's less artificial when people just say things instead of needing a lead before they ask a question, share a thought, or bring up a topic. People who are consistently brief probably aren't interested, so there's no point in trying to draw them out by pelting them with yet more questions.

As for philosophy... yeah, I know that problem, too.

I can emotionally connect, I just feel that I live in a different world from everyone around me. I don't enjoy self-aggrandizing behavior and I try not to look at others in terms of utility--whether I can get sex, money, entertainment, status, or validation from them. To do so demeans me, and it demeans them. I can't stand tribalism, and think it's more offensive to deny truth than to deny conformity or hurt feelings.

How would you go about starting a conversation with someone?
 
And this is when I'd read a book on how to have conversations with others.
 
Pyropath said:
Tealeaf said:
Rather than simply bounce off what they say, bring things to react to. It's less artificial when people just say things instead of needing a lead before they ask a question, share a thought, or bring up a topic. People who are consistently brief probably aren't interested, so there's no point in trying to draw them out by pelting them with yet more questions.

As for philosophy... yeah, I know that problem, too.

I can emotionally connect, I just feel that I live in a different world from everyone around me. I don't enjoy self-aggrandizing behavior and I try not to look at others in terms of utility--whether I can get sex, money, entertainment, status, or validation from them. To do so demeans me, and it demeans them. I can't stand tribalism, and think it's more offensive to deny truth than to deny conformity or hurt feelings.

How would you go about starting a conversation with someone?

Observation is sometimes all that's needed.

There was one time when I was waiting outside of a classroom while our instructor sabotaged the equipment in order to test our troubleshooting skills... and after awhile I asked the guy next to me how long it takes to break a few computers. We didn't talk for a few minutes, but eventually he brought up some of what he'd worked on at home recently.

Another example would be a coworker when I used to volunteer with ESL students on campus. I just commented to her on how often I'd see them filling their essays up with semicolons of all things when they were still having trouble with tenses. We had a short discussion on who was teaching them that and why, and how ridiculously complex some of the material they were taught was. She knew more than I did.

Anything relevant, really. Sometimes it's hard to find a starting point, though.
 
Pyropath said:
People are extremely confusing, and it frustrates me. For some reason, I feel as if I can not emotionally connect with anyone. Whenever I talk to people it doesn't feel like I am actually talking to another person, as if they were an animal or anything less capable than a human.

So I need some advice. How can I keep a conversation going without a crap ton of awkward silences. I don't get nervous when talking to people or anything like that, but I just run out of things to say. Most of the time I feel like it's the other person's fault for not participating in the conversation enough. Like, I have to do all the talking.

For example, if I go up to someone and say "How's it going", they usually say something like "Good". This really frustrates me because just that one word gives me nothing to go off of. How would one continue the conversation at that point? And even when I get the conversation to push past that point by asking a random question or something, they give me short choppy responses that never lead into other topics. It's difficult to have to pretty much lead a conversation by yourself.

The only way I have been able to start conversations with people is to talk about philosophical stuff (there is literally nothing else I can think of saying), but people get weirded out by that for some reason, and then I once again run into the same issues I have had before.

It seems the issue does not lie within me, but within everyone else. Does anyone have some advice for me?

I have often had the same problem as you, having to do all the work to keep a conversation going and finding it stressful and frustrating.
I don't really know what to suggest because if I knew the answer I wouldn't have the problem.
You mention that you enjoy talking about philosophical stuff. If you live in the UK you could join Philosophy in Pubs. It is an organisation which consists of small groups of people who meet up at set times to discuss matters of philosophical interest. I go from time to time-I find some of the topics hard to understand but still like it. If you are outside the UK maybe you could find a similar organisation?
 
Pyropath said:
So I need some advice. How can I keep a conversation going without a crap ton of awkward silences. I don't get nervous when talking to people or anything like that, but I just run out of things to say. Most of the time I feel like it's the other person's fault for not participating in the conversation enough. Like, I have to do all the talking.

For example, if I go up to someone and say "How's it going", they usually say something like "Good". This really frustrates me because just that one word gives me nothing to go off of. How would one continue the conversation at that point? And even when I get the conversation to push past that point by asking a random question or something, they give me short choppy responses that never lead into other topics. It's difficult to have to pretty much lead a conversation by yourself.

If the person gives you short choppy answers, you just keep trying until you hit the jackpot. Otherwise, if it still ends up the same way, then you know you just don't have that "chemistry" with that person to hold a nice conversation. Sometimes you just gotta keep trying, it's like trial and error to see what topic hits it right with the other person. So you just keep talking or commenting about whatever that comes to mind that you or the other person can relate to.

Some examples:
- Ask about their day, what plans do they have or what have they been up to.
- Comment about your day, your plans or what you've been up to. They might find some interest in the things you tell them or even relate to them.
- Bring up a recent event or happening in the news that they might know of. If they don't, then that's your chance to just tell them about it. They might engage themselves in some interesting stuff you tell them.
- Comment on an observation you've made on them, maybe they're carrying balloons or a painting - ask what they are or something like "going to a party or something with those balloons?" or "you collect paintings or something?".
...and you get my point, I hope.

Of course with all the things you ask you also observe their body language and responses and how interested they might seem. Again if they answers are short and choppy but their body language doesn't look disinterested, keep going. Just talk about whatever that comes to mind, let it flow. If you turn blank, then look around you and comment on something you can observe.

However, if they are rolling their eyes or looking away a lot or just not looking interested in talking to you, then don't waste your time.

Of course these things I just said might sound stupid, but it's what I do to keep a conversation going. At least more than half the time, it works for me.
 
ladyforsaken said:
If the person gives you short choppy answers, you just keep trying until you hit the jackpot. Otherwise, if it still ends up the same way, then you know you just don't have that "chemistry" with that person to hold a nice conversation. Sometimes you just gotta keep trying, it's like trial and error to see what topic hits it right with the other person. So you just keep talking or commenting about whatever that comes to mind that you or the other person can relate to.

Some examples:
- Ask about their day, what plans do they have or what have they been up to.
- Comment about your day, your plans or what you've been up to. They might find some interest in the things you tell them or even relate to them.
- Bring up a recent event or happening in the news that they might know of. If they don't, then that's your chance to just tell them about it. They might engage themselves in some interesting stuff you tell them.
- Comment on an observation you've made on them, maybe they're carrying balloons or a painting - ask what they are or something like "going to a party or something with those balloons?" or "you collect paintings or something?".
...and you get my point, I hope.

Of course with all the things you ask you also observe their body language and responses and how interested they might seem. Again if they answers are short and choppy but their body language doesn't look disinterested, keep going. Just talk about whatever that comes to mind, let it flow. If you turn blank, then look around you and comment on something you can observe.

However, if they are rolling their eyes or looking away a lot or just not looking interested in talking to you, then don't waste your time.

Of course these things I just said might sound stupid, but it's what I do to keep a conversation going. At least more than half the time, it works for me.

Thanks! That may have been the only useful comment someone left on here.
 
Pyropath said:
ladyforsaken said:
If the person gives you short choppy answers, you just keep trying until you hit the jackpot. Otherwise, if it still ends up the same way, then you know you just don't have that "chemistry" with that person to hold a nice conversation. Sometimes you just gotta keep trying, it's like trial and error to see what topic hits it right with the other person. So you just keep talking or commenting about whatever that comes to mind that you or the other person can relate to.

Some examples:
- Ask about their day, what plans do they have or what have they been up to.
- Comment about your day, your plans or what you've been up to. They might find some interest in the things you tell them or even relate to them.
- Bring up a recent event or happening in the news that they might know of. If they don't, then that's your chance to just tell them about it. They might engage themselves in some interesting stuff you tell them.
- Comment on an observation you've made on them, maybe they're carrying balloons or a painting - ask what they are or something like "going to a party or something with those balloons?" or "you collect paintings or something?".
...and you get my point, I hope.

Of course with all the things you ask you also observe their body language and responses and how interested they might seem. Again if they answers are short and choppy but their body language doesn't look disinterested, keep going. Just talk about whatever that comes to mind, let it flow. If you turn blank, then look around you and comment on something you can observe.

However, if they are rolling their eyes or looking away a lot or just not looking interested in talking to you, then don't waste your time.

Of course these things I just said might sound stupid, but it's what I do to keep a conversation going. At least more than half the time, it works for me.

Thanks! That may have been the only useful comment someone left on here.

Duly noted. I'll ignore your future threads, then.
 
if you ask someone how are you and all they reply is "good" well screw them and be like "well you know you're supposed to ask me how i'm doing now, right?" and walk away lel
 
Rainbows said:
if you ask someone how are you and all they reply is "good" well screw them and be like "well you know you're supposed to ask me how i'm doing now, right?" and walk away lel

But then there are the people that only ask you so that when you can ask them back they can tell you all the drama going on in their life. :p
 
Despicable Me said:
Tealeaf said:
Pyropath said:
That may have been the only useful comment someone left on here.
Duly noted. I'll ignore your future threads, then.
Yeah, pretty easy to see why this person has troubles with keeping conversations going... -sigh-

Yes, because honesty correlates with difficulty keeping conversations. Amazing logic.
 
Pyropath said:
Yes, because honesty correlates with difficulty keeping conversations. Amazing logic.

Not much to do with honesty, but more about being open (or, in your case, closed) to new information.

In reply to your OP, i would start with this:

Pyropath said:
It seems the issue does not lie within me, but within everyone else. Does anyone have some advice for me?

My personal opinion is that communication always requires two (or more) people, and if something does not go right, all those people are in some way responsible. The question left is wether the effort required to make the conversation flow will be worth the pay-off, both of which differ from person to person. So in that regard, the challenge would lie in finding people you can more easily connect with, with less effort.

I think, that when talking to strangers, who could be anyone on the planet, it's best to use a topic that can apply to pretty much anyone on the planet. Which is why the weather is such a much used starter. As you get to know people better, you'll know more about them, and can play on their hobbies, schedule, things like that. Later on, you could play on their quirks, strong points, and things like that, at which point inside jokes will spawn. It's a gradual process.

Good luck.
 
Pyropath said:
For example, if I go up to someone and say "How's it going", they usually say something like "Good".

I like to take what they give me and expand on it. For instance, here I would say something like "just good?" or make a little joke out of it and go.. cause I am doing great... and say why.

I also hate small talk but I have determined that talking about stupidity is just a way of teasing out if the person wants to talk and getting a sense of them. Once you have figured that out.. then real conversations can begin. I like to look at the weather as a handshake with your mouth... a social compact that says "I want to make you feel comfortable so I am going to talk about this thing that YOU can, if you so choose, talk with me about."
 
Tealeaf said:
Duly noted. I'll ignore your future threads, then.

If you're going to get offended by a comment that was not specifically direct towards you then the internet is not the place for you, my friend.


LonelySutton said:
Pyropath said:
For example, if I go up to someone and say "How's it going", they usually say something like "Good".

I like to take what they give me and expand on it. For instance, here I would say something like "just good?" or make a little joke out of it and go.. cause I am doing great... and say why.

I also hate small talk but I have determined that talking about stupidity is just a way of teasing out if the person wants to talk and getting a sense of them. Once you have figured that out.. then real conversations can begin. I like to look at the weather as a handshake with your mouth... a social compact that says "I want to make you feel comfortable so I am going to talk about this thing that YOU can, if you so choose, talk with me about."

Thanks. I think I've gotten a bit better with this whole dilemma, but I will apply some of the advice that you have given me. :)


Rosebolt said:
Pyropath said:
Yes, because honesty correlates with difficulty keeping conversations. Amazing logic.

Not much to do with honesty, but more about being open (or, in your case, closed) to new information.

In reply to your OP, i would start with this:

Pyropath said:
It seems the issue does not lie within me, but within everyone else. Does anyone have some advice for me?

My personal opinion is that communication always requires two (or more) people, and if something does not go right, all those people are in some way responsible. The question left is wether the effort required to make the conversation flow will be worth the pay-off, both of which differ from person to person. So in that regard, the challenge would lie in finding people you can more easily connect with, with less effort.

I think, that when talking to strangers, who could be anyone on the planet, it's best to use a topic that can apply to pretty much anyone on the planet. Which is why the weather is such a much used starter. As you get to know people better, you'll know more about them, and can play on their hobbies, schedule, things like that. Later on, you could play on their quirks, strong points, and things like that, at which point inside jokes will spawn. It's a gradual process.

Good luck.

I think the main issue I run into is that even when I start talking to them about more serious things such as future plans and what not, the conversation just never seems to become genuine at any point. I always look around at people who are talking to each other so naturally and genuinely, and I just don't understand.
 
Pyropath said:
I think the main issue I run into is that even when I start talking to them about more serious things such as future plans and what not, the conversation just never seems to become genuine at any point. I always look around at people who are talking to each other so naturally and genuinely, and I just don't understand.

Maybe.. to get to that stage where the conversation gets natural and genuine, you're gonna have to put up with the "empty talk" beforehand until it reaches that point where you both go "A-ha!", finding that common ground or something that connects you both on another level. So what do you do? Just keep conversing. Keep conversing until you reach that point. If the conversation dies out before it reaches there... then move on along, I guess.
 
Pyropath said:
Despicable Me said:
Tealeaf said:
Pyropath said:
That may have been the only useful comment someone left on here.
Duly noted. I'll ignore your future threads, then.
Yeah, pretty easy to see why this person has troubles with keeping conversations going... -sigh-

Yes, because honesty correlates with difficulty keeping conversations. Amazing logic.
Again, I can see why you have troubles keeping conversations going. So are you trying to prove my point?
Let me explain something prior to this. You noted how you look on others as if they were 'less than human'. You indicated you felt the person you talked to were like "an animal or anything less capable than a human." By that alone I was immediately turned off by your topic, but then I see a bunch of people try to help you and you basically dismiss them all, as either unimportant, unhelpful, or just generally ignored them. And you are quick to conclude the problem 'does not lie in you', as well. Why is that? Not that you or anyone else is really 'at fault', but why do you assume there is a "fault" in everyone else? Why are you 'faultless' in all of this? I just seems odd to announce that.

And I know what you meant by saying that people talked as if they were 'animals', but it's the way you express yourself and more importantly the way you see others that warrants me making this conclusion. You have not really left me with anything else to conclude but the way you express yourself and the way you see others probably does cause a lot of your conversational problems.

And I don't really mean to offend or upset you, but it's the truth. And yes, "honesty", if brutal enough, will have a lot to do with your ability to hold a conversation. Seeing as how your "honesty" demonstrates your perspective, and if people don't like your perspective then they are not going to end up wanting to talk to you. You simply don't come across to me as an 'open' person. You come across as very closed, as if you're just trying to 'use' conversation for your own benefits rather than to actually socialize. You seem closed-off as a person even when asking for help, it just comes across as non-genuine.
Of course, I'm not judging you, I'm just saying it's easy to read how you come across from even just a few sentences, which puts a lot of people off. And by all means this seems to be intentional, correct me if I'm wrong. Show us the real 'you'.
 

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