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Peaches

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Usually dating is not a problem for me because
a) I don't date
and
b) I never find anyone I could really like

the problems arise when I find someone who I like, because of my stupid body and chronic illness.

The problem is, if you get to know people socially then they have time to appreciate your other qualities so it's not such a deal breaker if you cannot walk more than 2.5 miles without being sick or need to spend time in bed watching movies instead of going dancing.

On the other hand, what to do when you talk with people online, or you meet them for a date when you barely know them?

I know that the wise thing to do is not to tell anything on the first meeting or online, because doing that was the reason why I haven't dated in the last year - whenever I mentioned it, I never heard from the guys again, except for a couple of times when they clearly thought it would have been easier to take advantage of a disabled person. (One actually had just invited me out for a second date, saw my pretty cute disability scooter and after two hours wrote me to cancel).

On the other hand when I don't mention it I feel like a fraud, like I am reeling them in with baits and then they will be stuck with my partially horrible life.
Now I am so lucky that I can have half of a normal life, so why do I feel so guilty? while others with worse disabilities manage to find boyfriends and girlfriends because of their awesome personality, maybe that's the point, I don't think I have that. I try to carry as little emotional baggage as possible, but with my terrible experiences with guys that is also an extra handicap.

I just don't know how to introduce the subject without sounding like a trauma victim or without diminishing the problem, because it is (a problem).
 
I don't date either. But honestly, if someone likes you and enjoys your company, they won't mind that you do feel under the weather sometimes. It doesn't mean you're a fraud because you can't get up and go out for hours on end. And while I don't think that carrying baggage into a relationship is a good thing, because you'll be unpacking for days, forever finding issues everywhere with everything, how you feel about things isn't exactly baggage. You shouldn't have to change how you feel or who you are for someone. Trying to gain acceptance from someone who just doesn't care to accept you never works.

Sure, some people will cancel dates when they see you use a scooter. Does that make then a horrible, bad person? No. Because you have to remember that not everyone can handle that. Not everyone can or will accept it. It does take a special kind of person to deal with that sort of thing. It's not an easy thing to do, and you can't ask that everyone accept it. When you find someone who genuinely likes you and doesn't mind what type of anything you have to deal with on a daily basis, then you'll understand why all the others didn't work out.

You're only the victim if you make yourself one. Things are only a problem if you make them one.
 
Do you use dating sites Peaches? If you do, or ever plan to, you can write everthing you want people to know in your profile, that way its already out there. I agree with Nilla, If someone is the right someone, they won't mind that you need to rest or use a scooter.

I wish you the best!
 
Nilla and Danielle have excellent points. I have a friend who made a powerpoint for her boyfriend before they started to be "official" to tell him everything he would have to deal with. I think it's important for the other person to understand the baggage, and if they are good with it, that's awesome!
 
^All excellent points above. One way you could look at it, is to think if you met someone with the same, how would you like them to tell you. I think if you treat people how you wish to be treated you can't go far wrong with your own conscience.
 
I think that at certain levels, everyone may deal with rejection. I am not disabled and I've had dates. However, when some guys discover my emotional issues, they run away. One guy once even got upset at me and told me that I pretended to be nice and hid my true messed up personality (which is a lie because even if I am not perfect, I can also be nice without pretending).

Most of the time, many people (including myself sometimes) focus on what they can obtain from a relationship, and not what they can give. So, when they see something that they don't like, they run away. I know that Marylin Monroe's quote that says "But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best" is quite threshed, but it is true.

Some people find love really easily, I really don't know how they manage to find someone who can love them and accept them just the way they are. I have been looking that for years without any result. I do think that in some cases, some couples stick together for the wrong reasons. I prefer to be alone that with the wrong company.
 
Peaches said:
On the other hand when I don't mention it I feel like a fraud, like I am reeling them in with baits and then they will be stuck with my partially horrible life.

I know what you mean. Ever since I've been sick, I wonder if it's even fair to let anyone into my life, risking them hurt and pain should my health decides to give another scare. Even if I make things clear and known about my condition. It's easy for people to think that if someone loves you and cares about you, they'd go into it anyway. The problem is, these people may or may not know the depth of hurt or challenge they'd have to endure.... in the end when it happens, I would feel a huge amount of guilt on my end and feel badly to have to cause so much trouble towards others. I guess this is why I distance myself. I think, it's for the best for me.

However, Peaches, you're a lovely woman who deserves so much good in life. So I hope you can come to terms with allowing the guy to know about you in this area. If anything, he should actually be appreciative of you telling him early on about what you're all about. He should appreciate your honesty about things and appreciate the fact that you're thinking of him and not being selfish here.

Sincerely wishing you all the best. *hugs*
 
ladyforsaken said:
I know what you mean. Ever since I've been sick, I wonder if it's even fair to let anyone into my life, risking them hurt and pain should my health decides to give another scare. Even if I make things clear and known about my condition. It's easy for people to think that if someone loves you and cares about you, they'd go into it anyway. The problem is, these people may or may not know the depth of hurt or challenge they'd have to endure.... in the end when it happens, I would feel a huge amount of guilt on my end and feel badly to have to cause so much trouble towards others. I guess this is why I distance myself. I think, it's for the best for me.

I think that if you love and care about someone, it's fair and it's worth it. I'm sure we've all lost someone or something that we loved so very much, and most of us would go through it all again if we could just see that person or that pet or even a beloved object for just one more minute. Personally, I wouldn't just abandon someone because they are ill or have some sort of sickness. Abandoning someone simply because of that isn't fair or right.
 
VanillaCreme said:
I think that if you love and care about someone, it's fair and it's worth it. I'm sure we've all lost someone or something that we loved so very much, and most of us would go through it all again if we could just see that person or that pet or even a beloved object for just one more minute. Personally, I wouldn't just abandon someone because they are ill or have some sort of sickness. Abandoning someone simply because of that isn't fair or right.

I can totally understand this as I would do it myself. I just have a hard time with the guilt being on this side of the fence.
 
ladyforsaken said:
VanillaCreme said:
I think that if you love and care about someone, it's fair and it's worth it. I'm sure we've all lost someone or something that we loved so very much, and most of us would go through it all again if we could just see that person or that pet or even a beloved object for just one more minute. Personally, I wouldn't just abandon someone because they are ill or have some sort of sickness. Abandoning someone simply because of that isn't fair or right.

I can totally understand this as I would do it myself. I just have a hard time with the guilt being on this side of the fence.

I wish it could be as easy as saying don't feel guilty, but I know it's not. You can't help what your body does. And if anyone wants to make you feel like you're not worthy being around or that you're somehow worth less because of whatever illness you may have, they need to be slapped in the face. With a brick.
 
VanillaCreme said:
ladyforsaken said:
VanillaCreme said:
I think that if you love and care about someone, it's fair and it's worth it. I'm sure we've all lost someone or something that we loved so very much, and most of us would go through it all again if we could just see that person or that pet or even a beloved object for just one more minute. Personally, I wouldn't just abandon someone because they are ill or have some sort of sickness. Abandoning someone simply because of that isn't fair or right.

I can totally understand this as I would do it myself. I just have a hard time with the guilt being on this side of the fence.

I wish it could be as easy as saying don't feel guilty, but I know it's not. You can't help what your body does. And if anyone wants to make you feel like you're not worthy being around or that you're somehow worth less because of whatever illness you may have, they need to be slapped in the face. With a brick.

Sorry to interfere. I am not an expert, I am new here and don't have much to say in general. However, I think that everyone deserves to be loved. Sometimes we may feel so low that we might end up thinking that we don't deserve to be loved. However, nobody is perfect. I think we all have something to offer. Maybe for me it's easy to say it as I am not disabled. However, for me it is really hard for people to accept me the way I am. I think it is important to focus on what you can offer a person, and not only on what you can take. Love is a right everyone should be entitled to. Maybe that is the only reason I haven't given up completely on love.
 
I got two things to say.

1: A "date" is (or should) not be about commitment. A date is when you should get to know someone. You HAVE to cheat the system, when people are so **** picky about just meeting someone for a chat face to face.

2: Don't make excuses for your issues/baggage. You are you, and your job is to explain your situation the best way possible.

- Because I got *insert health issue* I can't go for long walks or the like, but I love chatting, watching TV, writing (?), having discussions about *insert something you like*

Hope I made sense, and good luck!

and btw, I know how you're feeling. I got my own issues that I can keep below the surface in daily life, but can't hide from a date. And that stops me from bothering with trying to find someone. At least online dating. I hope I'll meet someone the "regular" way.
 

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