Am I choosing to be lonely?

Hi.

Maybe this is a silly question.... But I just don't understand myself sometimes. I don't really have friends - only 'acquaintances'. I think this is because I usually put work and security before social life.
But on the odd occasion I do get invited out, I always find excuses not to go. And I really can't explain why I do this, because I don't actually have a life outside of work.

Am I a hermit? I prefer to stay in alone - even though I can feel the loneliness - and read or watch a movie, than going out to get drunk or whatever.....

Why do I do this? Am I being a martyr or am I just being sensible. Should I accept an invite to a night out which I know I won't enjoy (I.e nightclub) just to be more sociable? Or is it better to stay in and go to bed with a book and pretend I'm not lonely?

You're not a hermit, you're just someone who likely doesn't need a lot of social stimulation. I think you could probably do the social stuff if you wanted, but you might find it a trying experience. Have you had friends in the past, Eirene?

I worked in hospitality trade for ten years (until a couple of weeks ago), so I seem to have spent my life surrounded by people, yet never connected closely with anyone enough to have a very true friend. Only casual friends that I would occasionally go out with, and end up going home early because I'm a sad case!

Edit:
Perhaps I should also add that I was brought up in the army, so I have only ever made friends for a year and then lost them..... Making friends is easy for me, keeping them is very difficult, because I so used to people 'dropping' out of my life....

Would you like to have a meaningful connection with someone or do you consider a lone wolf type of character?

Are there any activities that you like to do besides reading? It seems like you may be setting up a false dichotomy between staying in and reading by yourself and going to a club you don't enjoy. You could see if there are any meetups for activities that you enjoy, that's a good way to meet people with similar interests.

also sometimes going out with people, especially if one is not used to, is a source of major stress and the human instinct is to avoid major stresses. Social phobia is the extreme version of this avoidance...
And my impression is that when one is used to losing all things and people one loves, then it becomes very natural not to get to attached to anyone, so it hurts less when they leave, but that on the other hand facilitates the "dropping".

You're in the bubble. And not alone to experience that.
http://www.alonelylife.com/showthread.php?tid=34280

Also, here's a thread I made that kinda touches this issue.
http://www.alonelylife.com/showthread.php?tid=32757

You're in the "only acquaintances" trap.

I think you may all be correct. A combination of all of those. I don't enjoy social situations much unless they are quiet occasions and I hate crowds.
Yet at the same time I do believe I sometimes keep people at a distance because it is easier that way. Surely this frame of mind must be reasonably common?

I think many people on this forum can attest to the same mindset. Their reasons for doing so might be very different from your own, but the principle is the same.

I agree that you seem to have set up a false dichotomy: either go to a crowded, noisy nightclub and get drunk (your phrase) or stay home alone and go to bed early with a book. There's a wide variety of other ways to spend time both with other people and alone. Finding those other ways is difficult and takes persistence, especially if you're looking for people you can connect with. But I see nothing wrong with refusing to join others in a noisy environment and drink heavily. Many people who have very close, deep friendships refuse to do that too.

As for "travelling light" (i.e. not forming attachments to others), sometimes that's just the way a person is, and sometimes it's a bunch of small habits picked up through living life. If you had a transient childhood and your attachments tended to get severed all the time, it makes sense that you've developed the habit to travel light. Like all habits, it can be really tough to break. You might want to read some books on clinical psychology (don't go to an actual psychologist because there are so many different approaches that your chances of finding a psychologist who takes an unsuitable approach are much higher than of finding one who takes a suitable approach). See what the different schools of psychology have to say about how to untrain yourself of unwanted habits and train yourself to adopt new ones. Less effectively, there is also a huge self-help industry with a wide range of quality (ranging from excellent to terrible). Just start off by googling various phrases that relate to what you want to achieve and see what references you can find in thd footnotes of online articles.

Best of success to you.

I wish I knew how to find a happy medium in social interaction. For me it's either 100% on (and rapid exhaustion or worse being shunned) or hermit mode. I've managed to blunt the effect by limiting how I interact with people, but it's hard to having a meaningful conversation with someone.

Probably not your problem though. I wouldn't know how to begin interacting with people normally.