I Have Decided To Go Through Life Alone

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Stonely

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Every relationship I've ever been in, regardless of gender, male/female, and even my parents, I always end up hurt in the end. Therefore, I have decided to avoid getting into real relationships with people to avoid getting hurt. Essentially, I'll be living a lone wolf / lonely life but doing so makes me happy knowing that I don't need people for happiness. Anyone else had this happen to?
 
I think everyone should do whatever makes them happy, but not cut themselves off from the possibility of the fact that their situation might change.

I'm currently single, just coming out of an abusive marriage, and although I'm only a few weeks into the single life I'm happier than I've been for years. Does this mean I will be single for the rest of my life? Of course not - it's just right for me right now.

Life can change in an instant - as anyone who has suffered an accident or lost a loved one can testify, so we must adapt to these changes and not fence our lives into some rigid path from which you think will never deviate.
 
Stonely said:
Every relationship I've ever been in, regardless of gender, male/female, and even my parents, I always end up hurt in the end.

Yes, not my parents, though they are dead so... but everyone else. I have considered that it is me, but, then how is it that my pets never hurt me? They only provide endless joy and fun.

Humans, on the other hand, are like pain machines. I have never met any single human that brought joy into my life and, if they did, the truth is probably I didn't know them long enough to see their bad side.
 
Being alone can mean having practical problems. There are times when being able to ask people for help can make it possible to do something you can't do alone. But having people in your life just to use them when you want help would be wrong (even though it's the number one reason most people have ANYONE in their lives). If a person is going to have people in his life it should be because he wants people in his life, not for what he can get out of them. Your decision is brave and honorable and I wish you the best of success.
 
When one doesn't take risks, one usually doesn't have anything worthwhile. That includes relationships. Relationships have good and bad moments, but to miss out on the good so you don't have to deal with the bad is the wrong choice, IMO. Don't get me wrong, you are perfectly entitled to do as you please, but I hope you reconsider.

Perhaps instead of cutting out all relationships, you should accept the fact that pain is a part of life and learn how to deal with it better. Yes, it will always hurt, but you can learn to not let it bother you as much as it did before. You can learn to accept that things happen. You can learn to change what you can and move on from what you can't.
 
Stonely, just going to say that I hear you and can understand you on this. Ultimately it's your choice, but make sure it's a choice you're happy and contented with. Don't do it just because it's the easier way out.
 
ladyforsaken said:
Stonely, just going to say that I hear you and can understand you on this. Ultimately it's your choice, but make sure it's a choice you're happy and contented with. Don't do it just because it's the easier way out.

Thanks for understanding!
 
Stonely, sometimes I have considered this option as well as it seems that, as Lonely Sutton has said, people are like pain machines. They can let you down at the worst times. But do be careful that, if you go for this choice, that you have the inner resources to cope alone, to meet your own emotional needs, and to find happiness.
 
All relationships involve some degree of pain, either through realizing they don't share some views and so won't share some parts of your life or through miscommunication and mismatched expectations. People who can't settle things quickly, cleanly, and with emotional honesty aren't good company I find, and I'm getting hurt a lot less now that I exclude them. A disagreement with someone now is settled in minutes with both sides happy and forgotten within a few days, as it should be.

That said, yes--I'm much happier with minimal socializing. I don't like or trust most people, although I wish I could because I still have a lot to give. It's better given through impersonal settings like critique circles, though. Better no company than company that you feel bad around or who sees you as a resource while insisting that they get the treatment of a loved one.
 
mickey said:
Being alone can mean having practical problems. There are times when being able to ask people for help can make it possible to do something you can't do alone.

Just me, or when you ask people for this assistance do they always let you down? I know they do for me. Need a ride to the doctor, muster up the nerve to ask and then, they cancel at the last moment and then you lose them for 3 months as they are ashamed of themselves.

If there was a quid pro quo that you have friendship and got friendship in return, ok then, but I only give and get nothing back.
 
LonelySutton said:
mickey said:
Being alone can mean having practical problems. There are times when being able to ask people for help can make it possible to do something you can't do alone.

Just me, or when you ask people for this assistance do they always let you down? I know they do for me. Need a ride to the doctor, muster up the nerve to ask and then, they cancel at the last moment and then you lose them for 3 months as they are ashamed of themselves.

If there was a quid pro quo that you have friendship and got friendship in return, ok then, but I only give and get nothing back.

I know exactly what you mean. There was a time when I had personal resources--a much better-paying job than anyone who pretended to be my friend, a nice private residence where everyone else lived in shared accommodation, a car to chauffeur people around in, etc. I gave very freely of my resources and all that happened is that people came to expect it and were resentful when I lost those resources and ceased being able to provide them with goodies. It's been extremely rare that anyone has been there for me when I've needed them, but people were happy to take, take, take everything I had to give. I was not only used but used up until I'm all gone.

But you hear all the time about people helping each other out reciprocally. Since most people stay in touch with other people only for the personal benefit they receive, it follows that most people use each other, because those who make using someone else a one-way street tend to end up with no one left to use. That's why I said what I said in my original reply--and I also said a lot more that I consider more important and the real point of my reply.
 
You have the prerogative to make a conscious choice to be alone. I respect your decision.
However be sure you're making the decision for the right reasons.
The worst thing we can do is go into a relationship with expectations, and when those expectations aren't met we feel hurt. The truth is, we hurt ourselves. Or to rephrase, we allow ourselves to feel hurt by others.
The other thought I leave you with is healing.
If we are not wounded we cannot heal.
Does it hurt, yes. It hurts like hell.
But in time, all wounds heal.

Take your time, enjoy your solitude, heal.
But don't give up.
 
I am kind of like the way you are. I have no friends that I can call up to just hang out with. I talk through facebook which isn't the same. But I still live with my parents because of mental health situation and my dad isn't in good health. So I tend to talk at dinner time and then usually settle in my room for the night. I'm friendly with neighbors but I dread social situations because I don't have much to talk about with people. Going to my high school reunion was a nightmare. Relationships? I can't get a handle on my stuff so why would I think I could handle my and someone else's issues.
 
swflyers93 said:
I am kind of like the way you are. I have no friends that I can call up to just hang out with. I talk through facebook which isn't the same. But I still live with my parents because of mental health situation and my dad isn't in good health. So I tend to talk at dinner time and then usually settle in my room for the night. I'm friendly with neighbors but I dread social situations because I don't have much to talk about with people. Going to my high school reunion was a nightmare. Relationships? I can't get a handle on my stuff so why would I think I could handle my and someone else's issues.

Similar story here, with differences. Also disabled and fairly solitary. There's lots of us in the world.
 
Stonely said:
Every relationship I've ever been in, regardless of gender, male/female, and even my parents, I always end up hurt in the end. Therefore, I have decided to avoid getting into real relationships with people to avoid getting hurt. Essentially, I'll be living a lone wolf / lonely life but doing so makes me happy knowing that I don't need people for happiness. Anyone else had this happen to?

You can't just go completely without close contact, though, can you? I wouldn't advise that. Would socializing/romance in bite-size bits work for you? It's the only compromise here, and perhaps a necessary one.
 
Batman55 said:
Stonely said:
Every relationship I've ever been in, regardless of gender, male/female, and even my parents, I always end up hurt in the end. Therefore, I have decided to avoid getting into real relationships with people to avoid getting hurt. Essentially, I'll be living a lone wolf / lonely life but doing so makes me happy knowing that I don't need people for happiness. Anyone else had this happen to?

You can't just go completely without close contact, though, can you? I wouldn't advise that. Would socializing/romance in bite-size bits work for you? It's the only compromise here, and perhaps a necessary one.

I go very close to without close contact. It's a situation forced on me for being a "toxic person" with defective mental hygiene, even someone who would want to be close to me is compelled to stay away, and I am forced to live life knowing that what I want is overwhelmed by total fear and terror.
 
there is no hope said:
You can't just go completely without close contact, though, can you?

I have always wondered about this... why not? I mean if we were still hunter gatherers the chances that we would spend our lives alone would be pretty good. Whenever you look to positive things such a yoga or meditation they are all pretty well exclusively focused on the individual. They encourage you to look inside yourself almost totally. The entire basis of our original constitution is about protecting the individual. Animals for the most part lead a very solitary life (there are exceptions but not the rule).

This idea that you "must" have human interaction -- I think -- is not a human necessity. This isn't a law of nature but of man. Perhaps as a child so you can learn basic things -- such as vocalization etc but once grown and educated I think it is possible.
 
LonelySutton said:
Just me, or when you ask people for this assistance do they always let you down? I know they do for me. Need a ride to the doctor, muster up the nerve to ask and then, they cancel at the last moment and then you lose them for 3 months as they are ashamed of themselves.

If there was a quid pro quo that you have friendship and got friendship in return, ok then, but I only give and get nothing back.

That is why I never ask for help. Even if it means I lose a finger or whatnot. Never depend on other people. Not unless you really know **** sure that they're not going to disappoint you. And I mean, **** sure about it.

Same thing with giving. I used to think people would return what I give them out of decency but I learned a long time ago that it doesn't work that way.

When you really are sincere in helping others out or giving something to them, it's best not to expect anything back in return. I don't see why you need to anyway. You choose to give and help, you can always decide not to. So just feel satisfied and happy that you did something for them, whether they appreciate it or not. Just move on, if they don't appreciate it, and you'll know where to stick your necks out and where not to, next time.
 

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