It is way too late

It is 2am right now. I am drowning in mucus thanks to my allergies. I can't sleep and I don't know if I would want to if I could.

I am lonely.

I go to work and people often compliment me on the work I do; they say that I am so cheerful and happy. For the record, I work in a small neighbourhood toy store and I am often told that I fit there.

When people tell me those things I want to tell them that I am not happy. I want to tell them that most days I barely hold on.

You've held on for as long as you've been lonely, so today, like yesterday & in the past, you'll continue being strong & hold on.
By the way, if they think u're happy then you're obviously pretending like you are. don't!!!! Be sad if you must, cry. what makes everything worse is the reality that people think u happy when you're the complete opposite.
I said in a previous thread, theres always light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how long the tunnel.
I'd like to think I ubderstand where you're coming from.
Keep well,and get well.

It's never too late, never. Not while you still draw breath, not while your heart still beating. It's true sometimes life is too messed up to think anything clear and decisive but there is always a solution to every puzzle of life. What people see in you the upper layer of yourself to keep everyone smiling, I know, smiling even when one is crying from inside. Hold on little longer, I could say what mslonely have already said "Just walk through tunnel, there is light on the other end"

So Socratic said:

It is 2am right now. I am drowning in mucus thanks to my allergies. I can't sleep and I don't know if I would want to if I could.

I am lonely.

I go to work and people often compliment me on the work I do; they say that I am so cheerful and happy. For the record, I work in a small neighbourhood toy store and I am often told that I fit there.

When people tell me those things I want to tell them that I am not happy. I want to tell them that most days I barely hold on.

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Your job sounds lovely, do you like it? It is incredibly hard, but imagine yourself happy, where woule you be, what would you be doing, what kind of people would be in your life. I know the people in your life is the most difficult thing to have, but if you change things in fairy steps, maybe you can start to have what you want.

Sorry if thats sounds condesending, just have a think of what could be.

I can identify with your smiling outwardly but barely holding on inside-this is my default setting.
MsLonely says to you to stop pretending. I second this, though would say that while you are at work, it is probably better to maintain the façade whilst dealing with customers. However, if you have a colleague at work or someone outside work you are friendly with, you could try opening up to them and telling them how you are feeling inside.

I disagree with the suggestion that you bring your personal issues to work. Employers hate it when employees do that and you could end up losing your job. If there is a coworker you talk to or spend time outside work, then yeah, you can open up to them if you trust them not to blab to other people at work or to the boss. If there's nobody at work you talk to or see outside work, find out whether anyone is interested in getting to know you personally (but be careful that they don't jump to the conclusion that you're just trying to get into their pants, which is a bigoted conclusion too many people jump to in such situations).

It's a tragedy that anyone must hide their true feelings in order to be permitted the huge privilege of working for a living. I wish that those who berate us "lazy" disabled people for "not wanting to work" had more awareness of how brutally abusive the world of work is.

Yeah, I am not going to be telling any of my customers that I am lonely and unhappy any time soon. That would really be a good way to kill the enjoyment in a toy store, and while I am unhappy, I really enjoy making others smile.

It can be difficult to keep the part of me that likes making people laugh going. Mickey is right about how abusive the work place can be. The abuse I experience comes from customers; the rich self entitled ones that is. The actions of others can really get to me sometimes, and doubly so when they treat me like a toy dispensing punching bag.

As for finding someone to talk to, I just don't want to burden anyone else with my problems. I have tried to be open with people in the past, but that just pushed them away. It is this weird trap for me. I fear being alone so I don't share my feelings of loneliness with people that I should feel free to share them with. HA!

So Socratic said:

As for finding someone to talk to, I just don't want to burden anyone else with my problems. I have tried to be open with people in the past, but that just pushed them away. It is this weird trap for me. I fear being alone so I don't share my feelings of loneliness with people that I should feel free to share them with. HA!

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Don't see it as burdening them with your problems, see it as helping them to get to know an interesting person. And if they don't want that then they can figure that out on their own. Let them make their own decisions who is being a burden or not.
You are interesting, are you not?
P.S. You can't answer 'No' because I don't like liars.

Oh, a toy store! This 40+ lady loves toys, I'm jealous of the fun my child has with toys sometimes
Working with the public in retail can be very challenging though. You encounter all different types of people there and it definitely has its moments.
And allergies can be a miserable bear! I hope you feel better soon

-Teresa