stupid online dating question

It's online dating that is stupid, not the question (ok, maybe a little bit)
in these things I am really missing some basic behaviours that I should have learned in high school or something, for everyone I know it's so obvious how to behave and instead I have no clue and I have to wad through doubts.
Most probably this is going nowhere, but:

I found someone online that I actually fancy, but I am still not sure that he is not deeply disturbed or a player (as 100% of those who I fancy, sometimes even just by looking at a picture, so it's not just bad taste, it's also destiny) and I am terribly afraid not to see the signs that should send me running.

This one seemed pretty honest about himself, even disclosing pieces of his real identity real name and phone number, we exchanged some messages (not a lot), he writes long messages about how he dreams of a relationship, and already from that I started thinking "player" but many guys, also on this forum, dream of a relationship so saying that doesn't make him automatically a player.

Anyway, I tried to drop in the conversation that I didn't enjoy writing messages very much, also because there is no real communication, and I think that my messages don't give a clue about my real personality, and suggested that "finally I make him hear my accent" meaning phone or Facebook or whatever but that was probably too subtle for a guy to understand.

To this email he replied only 4 days later (usually it was only a day or so) and no mention of talking or chatting.

How do I tell him that I don't want to spend time writing anymore?
Meeting is not an option as he lives in a city where I will go only end of july, I wouldn't mind him coming to visit but I think it's way too early to suggest it.
Does it look like I am desperate to push things forward because i want to talk or chat? I just want to know him better to see if he is a psycho
I really think all this writing is giving unrealistic impressions to everyone. And he doesn't seem that interested in knowing me more, as he seems happy with these messages.

Or should I just say: ok let's wait to meet this summer? but I liked his letters and company, I don't want him to think I am not interested.

What would be the right behaviour, in case he is a honest guy who is not just trying to string me along in the most useless way (online)?

I am so good at giving suggestions to others and when it comes to myself I am clueless.

Peaches said:

To this email he replied only 4 days later (usually it was only a day or so) and no mention of talking or chatting.

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Ok, and this comes from an admitted highly paranoid and skeptical person who also, lives alone with a cat but..

The above feels like a red flag. The fact that he ignored it means to me1) he has some overriding reason he can't address it, ie, he is married and thus it would be hard to talk on the phone with you (or many other reasons he doesn't want to talk or move things forward) ; (2) he just flat up doesn't respect what you say so something he doesn't care to do he already is ignoring; and (3) he really did just forget what you said.

IMHO, the chances of number three are just like 1%.

Because I am flat out evil , I would create another fake profile and initiate a conversation with him and see what you can find out that way. I would also go full on Veronica Mars detective (I have done this) with google and what you can do to see if you can find out more about him.

Or flat out tell him you want to talk and why and see what he says. If he is legitimate I can't see why he wouldn't explain himself.

Peaches said:

How do I tell him that I don't want to spend time writing anymore?

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Just say it.

Peaches said:

Or should I just say: ok let's wait to meet this summer? but I liked his letters and company, I don't want him to think I am not interested.

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If you are going to where he lives that is only next month. Say that you two should meet and make it in a public place like a coffee house or cafe. See how things progress.

Peaches said:

I am so good at giving suggestions to others and when it comes to myself I am clueless.

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So am I. See what I did? I gave you advice and it was easy for me to do. But I can't even get myself to go up to someone and say hi.

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LonelySutton said:

Because I am flat out evil , I would create another fake profile and initiate a conversation with him and see what you can find out that way. I would also go full on Veronica Mars detective (I have done this) with google and what you can do to see if you can find out more about him.

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I wouldn't call it evil. You are just being cautious. Sorry to say you got to do it because too many people want to get to know you and meet you and forget to tell you that they have a wife and four kids.

LonelySutton said:

IMHO, the chances of number three are just like 1%.

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I'd say the chances are somewhere between 1 and 50%. I often forget about one or two points to reply to, and usually because I don't know what to reply with.

My vote is to just ask to talk on the phone (or however it is you wish to communicate) but make it real plain. Us men can be **** stupid at times

The way to let someone know that you don't feel like writing any more is to say: "I don't feel like writing any more." Just that. Anything else establishes a foundation of subterfuge and deceit that poisons any future relationship. I can understand that it's scary to be open about things, but the alternative is FAR worse. You don't have to believe me about that. You can examine any number of failed real-life relationships where one or both people in the relationship deceived the other person early on, and that's exactly what led to the relationship collapsing after they'd invested a lot of time in building it into something meaningful.

About the fact that it pisses me off that someone would even think the question you were asking were a valid question, I'm not going to say anything more.

I agree with what BeyondShy and jzinsky have said, you just need to say something like 'hey do fancy having a chat on the phone?' or something like that. Personally I'm weird so the idea of chatting with someone on the phone before meeting scares me and I don't think I'd actually do it, but most people are fine with it.

It's always best to just speak your mind when it comes to things like these. Ask him to be honest with you as well with regard to his response to this. His actions being red flag or not, it's still best to be straightforward and ask him. If he can't handle that, I don't see why you should play his game. You might just end up hurt eventually. If he he is for real, he'd be upfront about how he feels with taking the communication a step further beyond writing. Good luck, Peaches! Let us know how it goes.

yeah, this question, I think it was the heat talking...

anyway my question was rather about *how* to ask rather than the necessity of asking

now that the temperature of my brain is back to normal, I feel bad about the general teenager-ess of this thread and I wish I could cancel it but it's too late

a note about stalking: personally I have no problem googling someone, and I think I am quite good at it (this guy is totally legit), but I could never set up another profile to see how this person reacts, because that would make me the bad guy and also it could seriously backfire.

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BeyondShy said:

Peaches said:

I am so good at giving suggestions to others and when it comes to myself I am clueless.

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So am I. See what I did? I gave you advice and it was easy for me to do. But I can't even get myself to go up to someone and say hi.

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BeyondShy, you give great advice maybe the trick is to give it to each other, like those guys

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Allegory_of_the_long_spoons

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I am baffled why women drop hints and expect men to exhibit the response they want. It isn't always that we're oblivious... even I can figure a few things out.

I avoid talking on the phone because me opening my mouth usually leads to quick rejection. Maybe it's the same for him, and he's not very good at phone conversation, especially if he doesn't know exactly what needs to be said.

When I was trying, I had to make sure not to get too attached, because it is the internet and bonds formed on a dating site can easily dissipate. It is helpful to keep more than one iron in the fire. Is that being a player, or just being reasonable? Not that people aren't players, but I learned that it's beneficial not to message too much or show too much interest. Flirting rituals are pretty messed up.

there is no hope said:

Flirting rituals are pretty messed up.

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Amen to that...

and yes, I know, never leave hints to guys, that was a useless thing to do.

I dunno. Speaking for the psychos and grotesques, I would worry constantly how I come off, and to protect myself I have to do things that a normal person wouldn't have to do. Even though I am one of those undesirables, it's not as if I don't have desires and goals of my own; it's just that because I am an undesirable, some other people think I ought to feel happy when I've given a scrap of attention, and that I have to conform and do every bit of work when interacting with someone.

Honestly I think you can show a lot more through messages than you seem to believe, but there are things that work better in person.
I don't know why you just don't call him or leave a voice message, but then I wouldn't know an appropriate way to go about it. If I did give out my number though, it's a pretty sure sign that he's okay with you taking the lead on a phone call - even if he's not interested, it would be polite to return the call with something rather than blow you off. (Not that I'm polite at all...)

Some people are happier to get to know someone via email for a while first before talking to them, so I wouldn't say that his not taking up your hint to chat/talk is necessarily negative. He may just be shy and want to know more about you first and for you to know more about him as well. He has given you his phone number so isn't trying to hide it from you. I know that I always, always dread the first phone call with an online connection. If they mention phoning very early on I deliberately don't pick up on the hint as I prefer to wait awhile.
I don't know if this man is ok or if he is not, and it is always best to be very careful with online contacts. I hope that he turns out to be really nice.

This is what I hate about any kind of online dating.
The default attitude of any woman is the guy is some kind of lunatic / stalker / serial killer etc.
That's why people who struggle to get dates should avoid it and concentrate on meeting people face to face.
And I'll say it again. It's the photo that is most important !
(This isn't a dig at peaches by the way. She's a nice person and I wish her well !)

well, this one was "one of those"

it's not a matter of expecting that someone is a lunatic, but rather of keeping your ears and eyes open, which is very difficult when you like someone. Personally, the photo is maybe 50%, and everything can change if the profile is amazing (ok I draw a line to extreme obesity and multiple piercings).

And I really apologise for and regret starting this stupid thread, it was too hot and I wasn't thinking well.

Anyway, I hope someone someday will benefit from reading it.

Triple Bogey said:

This is what I hate about any kind of online dating.
The default attitude of any woman is the guy is some kind of lunatic / stalker / serial killer etc.
That's why people who struggle to get dates should avoid it and concentrate on meeting people face to face.
And I'll say it again. It's the photo that is most important !

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You got that right pal.

Triple Bogey said:

This is what I hate about any kind of online dating.
And I'll say it again. It's the photo that is most important !

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Looks get you in the door. Who you are inside keeps you there. Without looks, you're screwed in OLD.

EDIT: Actually, looks get you in the door with the opposite sex in any case, not just OLD....

LonelyInAtl said:

Triple Bogey said:

This is what I hate about any kind of online dating.
And I'll say it again. It's the photo that is most important !

Click to expand...

Looks get you in the door. Who you are inside keeps you there. Without looks, you're screwed in OLD.

EDIT: Actually, looks get you in the door with the opposite sex in any case, not just OLD....

Click to expand...

Oh yes I agree. Looks give you a chance. Of course if a guy or woman is an unpleasant person then the other person will soon lose interest.