Loneliness: did it ever leave?

Hey all. Haven't posted for a while, but I always found this site helpful, so...here's a rather long story. Probably TL;DR tbh

I remember four years ago I was starting university. I was badly overweight, cripplingly shy and had surprisingly little social experience. I had few friends and had never had a girlfriend.

That first year I'd spend every lunch hour sitting completely alone because I never felt confident enough to make many friends. I didn't even order bar food because I found it hugely intimidating for some reason.

I think I must have been depressed, because I started feeling like no one other than my folks at home even cared whether I existed or not. Every day was the same pit of loneliness. I'd just sit and watch all the seemingly happy people around me and feel s***.

So I did something about it. I lost over 6 stone in weight. I worked out every day until I was a lot more muscular than I was before. I started talking to people every chance I could, and I worked hard on my degree. Casual social graces became seemingly just as natural to me as they are to most people.

Four years on, and I thought things were different. I genuinely feel like I'm a completely different human being now in many ways. The average person I talk to seems to think I'm confident and happy with my life. And I've got lots to be happy for...but at the same time, that gnawing lonely feeling just seems to be returning.

And now it's worse, because I'm "confident", I'm fit and healthy, I get on well with people - and yet I'm still just as alone as I ever was. I don't even know why.

I have maybe four close friends right now, yet they're colleagues. We go out socially every now and then, but that's it.

At the weekends I go home, and I'm alone again. I've spent the last 2 weekends sitting in pubs alone trying to meet someone, because I know no-one in my area. It feels pathetic to just want someone to say hi to me, and of course as they're strangers, no one ever does.

I've figured for ages that having a girlfriend would maybe be that next step I need to mature more and open up a bit. Four years on, and I can't get a date to save my life.

I can't work out if it's because I'm somehow unattractive, creepy or just really ****ing unlucky. I've never had a girl turn me down for a date, just literally every time something awful happens that stops us ever going out together. Stuff like serious illness, bereavement, permanent relocation etc. for about 7 different girls now...

Anyway, sorry guys, this is probably just a long late night dump-rage-post. Just kinda bottled up and tired of it.

I guess I just don't understand why I'm lonely and that eats away at me. If I had a reason it'd be okay.

TheSolitaryMan said:

I can't work out if it's because I'm somehow unattractive, creepy or just really ****ing unlucky. I've never had a girl turn me down for a date, just literally every time something awful happens that stops us ever going out together. Stuff like serious illness, bereavement, permanent relocation etc. for about 7 different girls now...

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No I am awesome and still single. <g>

Weight loss -- well, just didn't do it for me. I lost 60 lbs a few years ago. And you know what it got me... NOTHING. Well I take that back, I got hit on a lot more by really inappropriate people. But it still seemed like the good (or just normal ones) wouldn't come near me. Maybe there is something about me... my expression... body language... independence ... etc... I wish I knew. Perhaps you really are just unlucky.

But I do think you are barking up the wrong tree to try to meet someone in public. For me there is nothing that makes me annoyed. I have come to conclude also there is no good way to do this. Because you aren't supposed to. Anyone who is a good candidate is likely to be put off, the rest, well...

One theory I have had is that I just don't try hard enough, and I have to admit, when I got thinner I didn't.

You are NOT unattractive, TSM.
I think you just haven't found the right person yet and you may still be a bit shy on the girl front. Keep trying and I know you'll find someone great.

I think all it really comes down to is whether or not someone grew up bonding frequently with others or was raised in a healthy environment where they cultivated socially-desirable (not necessarily negative or positive, just desirable) traits. I try not to be a downer, but I'm convinced it's the truth and the only way around it is acceptance--not blaming oneself for being x, y, or z--and patience while waiting for results. People who are used to bonding draw others into their lives and garner attention regardless of the flaws that those of us who aren't spend years beating ourselves up over and trying to fix. It's not healthy.

I have no social problems other than being a misfit who spent most of my childhood alone. I'm mildly anxious if someone surprises me in public, but I legitimately enjoy conversation and multiple people have confirmed through Skype conversations that I'm not awkward or unpleasant to talk to... even when I feel anxious.

People with serious anxiety and terrible personalities regularly get more results than I do if they've been raised interacting with people. That's just the life they were born into and the only thing that ever winds up holding them back is themselves, but it's not the life everyone is born into. The world trains people to believe in justice and fairness that does not actually exist ("If I'm nice and not awkward, I'll get friends and relationships! If I don't have them, then I am not nice and awkward."), so there's the risk of going above and beyond basic self-improvement to emotional self-mutilation to find some way to justify the results of getting nothing despite trying.

Those who suddenly have a wonderful, intimate social life full of love and affection because they gained confidence were always in the green. They had the foundations laid with the right background or the right traits that were masked by negative traits or a lack of actually talking to other people, which is not everyone's situation. Still, it sure makes for a great and inspiring movie, doesn't it? Right up there with Jurassic World.

I think it was Sigmund Freud who claimed that nothing is ever coincidental, everything has meaning.

I'm guessing, TSM, that you've made some super changes in the 'appearances' department but there are deeper, thematic issues within, that are unchanged. That "..every time something awful happens.." thing? I don't think that's just a coincidence, that's a pattern and it has a cause.

A guy who can lose that much weight and improve his social skills like you have, has an awful lot of fortitude and my hat's off to you pal! I'd say you've come a long way but you're hesitating at the goal posts and the only goalkeeper keeping you out is you......

I'm sorry to read you feel that way TSM. But I think the loneliness must have gone away for some duration if you didn't feel it between then and now. It hasn't been persistent throughout has it? And about the girlfriend situation.. you mentioned not one has ever turned you down, and it's only due to unfortunate circumstances that things didn't work out. It really does sound as though you've just not been having the best luck in that area. Timing, situation, the people around you.. there are a lot of factors that come into play. You've worked and done something to improve how things stand and good for you for trying and not sitting idle. But at times, things aren't as in our control as we'd like to think. Just keep doing what you're doing, and keep striving. The bout of bad luck will come to an end eventually, and you'll find yourself at a place where you're more content than you thought you could be.

Loneliness hasn't left me, instead, I've just accepted loneliness as a way of life.

I'm just going to put this alternative viewpoint out there. If anyone reading this decides to run with this idea, cool. This is how I think of it.

The question is "Why is this loneliness still with me?". The brain is under constant development and change. At a young age pathways are developed in response to experiences and feelings and whatever. Like a path through the woods or a dirt road, the more the pathway is traveled, the deeper it gets grooved, and the more likely it will be chosen as the one to travel. So let's say you have an experience similar or same as one from the past, ie; being alone and watching people hand-in-hand. When reaching that crossroads and being presented also with alternative, however less distinct possible pathways of responses and feelings, it's the more used and clearly marked out pathway which ends up being chosen. So, if that pathway provides sadness, loneliness, that's what you feel. Even if your life has advanced way past the experiences that originated the pathway.

So the way I've been viewing it, what's needed is to go down a different pathway. Over and over and over. Groove a different pathway. Interrupt the old one. I have created tricks to interrupt my negative pathways. I've got plenty of old pathways that need work. I often have to find new tricks.

I live in a forest, on gravel and dirt roads. I see how they wear, and in the rain I see how quickly the rain shoots down the grooves digging them out deeper. I have to groom these roads. Left to themselves they will wear in a very bad way.

I hope these thoughts will be useful to someone.

Thanks guys, some really helpful replies

I'm sorry to read you feel that way TSM. But I think the loneliness must have gone away for some duration if you didn't feel it between then and now. It hasn't been persistent throughout has it?

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See, this is the weird thing. Sometimes I'll finish a week or two and not think about it at all, everything seems fine.

Then I'll just think "Hang on a minute, I spend more time staring at sheets on my desk than I do actually with human beings."

And once I make that leap of logic, I suddenly realise that yes, actually I'm basically in the same position I always was :\

Weight loss -- well, just didn't do it for me. I lost 60 lbs a few years ago. And you know what it got me... NOTHING. Well I take that back, I got hit on a lot more by really inappropriate people. But it still seemed like the good (or just normal ones) wouldn't come near me. Maybe there is something about me... my expression... body language... independence ... etc... I wish I knew.quote]

Ha, see, I'm experiencing exactly the same thing. The attention I (very occasionally) receive from girls always now comes from people who are into drugs, or take absolutely no care of themselves.

In short, people I'd be silly to try dating anyway, because it's obvious it'd work out badly or I don't find them attractive in the first place[/align]. Bizarre

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I have accepted that loneliness is just simply part of who I am. I could be surrounded by people and still feel that way. I think that some of us just have a deep longing in that way. But, that isn't wrong, that is who we are. There is nothing wrong with who we are. We just need to learn to manage our feelings.

Hi there,

I can totally relate to your pain. While I was not overweight as a kid, I felt like I was totally different, not popular. I was a very intelligent kid, but I was never into partying, acting young and crazy, etc. This was probably largely due to my upbringing. When I left high school, this feeling carried itself with me to college. I am attractive, go to an Ivy League school, am a super good friend, and yet, like you, I have always felt completely alone. I always feel like there is something wrong with me, but I think it is more so that people like me are rare comparatively to the majority of people who drink, are okay with small talk, etc. Statistically infrequent.

I think what another member saying about the core issues you experienced when you were young and carrying them with you is somewhat accurate. Another member likened it to a well worn groove. I did have a lot of trauma as a kid, emotional abuse, and I have gone through extensive therapy to rewire myself, but as one of the therapists had said to me, you sort of carry that blueprint of trauma with you. So this all seems really depressing to say, but I think in some ways it is liberating because it is probably more of my perception of things than the actual reality. Like you, I can talk to literally anyone and I enjoy hanging out with people one on one, but for some reason new friendships do not stick very often. At 32, most of my friends have moved away, started families, just settled down with someone or are fully into their careers. I'm instead just learning how to be alone better even though it is a human need to have companionship, whether your preference is more surface-like interactions or for me, much deeper interactions. I honestly only seem to be happy when I am in a relationship with a man because I love giving and being intimately connected, but I am not willing to be in a relationship with just anyone to avoid loneliness.

I can so relate to your being frustrated because now that you are "fit" and more in the main stream and yet you are still experiencing this isolation. I was not emotionally healthy in my past but now I am completely recovered (albeit with an imprint) and yet the world did come knocking at my door with an award, people did not start flocking to me, etc.

You write really articulately and seem like you have it together. I wouldn't necessarily blame yourself. There are lots of people who seem to be in our/your/my situation and I think the key is to keep plugging away, maybe take a break for a few months and then try again. Everyone here has given such impressive advice, and again, it really seems to have little to do with your outward interaction with the world, but maybe more internal projection, a lot of bad luck and a world full of insane people.

Sorry to make this reply about me and sorry for the rambling. I have the flu at the moment and am only semi-coherent.

What Sometimes and Ubermensch have said rings true. Our brains have grooves in their surfaces for a reason: much of our daily life is habitual, and habits can mean ruts. You've heard about being in a rut, which is a metaphor for a car that has its wheels stuck in depressions in the ground and the wheels keep spinning but the car goes nowhere. Quite often that happens to us, especially as we age and our brains become less plastic. The lonely feeling could well be a rut that needs filling in, but first you have to get the car tire out of the rut. I wish I knew a magic solution to that but I'm working on those kinds of issues myself.

Best of success to you.