Loneliness ranting

So, if only to vent, or if maybe some people can relate, I'm going to make my first thread here on this forum.

all my life, I've never been able to make friends. I've only had one friend who I knew outside of the internet, which I made in around third grade. She approached me, and we became friends for about a good solid year or two before I had to move away. After that, I was never able to make friends face to face again- I've since graduated from high school, and I feel like my opportunities to make friends have diminished. During middle school, I didn't have as big a problem with this because I had two online friends who I considered best friends, and whom I would even say I was inseparable from. We spent hours on end every day chatting, and even though I felt just a tiny bit lonely, I mostly laughed it off. Those times have passed though, and now I've officially been completely and utterly friendless for at least a couple years. I've since distanced myself not only from the outside world, but I feel uncomfortable talking to family as well. I can't decide if I want to be alone or if I want to be with someone. On one hand, I feel like my loneliness is something along the lines of unbearable, and it's brought me to tears at least a couple of times to say the least. At the same time, spending time with other people makes me extremely uncomfortable. All I want to do is go home, and I just can't seem to connect with anyone. I've always been driven towards the philosophical side of life, and I find small talk less than satisfying. If we aren't talking about our views of the world, then I can only tolerate talking about deep emotions with somebody, and yet no one likes to talk about themselves so intimately.

Due to distancing myself from the outside world to such an extreme extent, I've become a very shy and soft-spoken person. I can't find it in myself to talk to people let alone make friends. People I talk to already have close friends, almost all of them have best friends, and I feel like I'll never be able to be someone's best friend because that slot is already taken. I feel like I'll always be inferior in comparison to that best friend, or that people will always want to keep me at the level of an 'affiliate' which won't sit well with me, because I'm constantly wanting to get to know people on a more intimate level. I just find small talk so...cheap, almost. When I talk to people, my motive is to UNDERSTAND them. I want to feel like I'm talking to a human being, with a background and emotions and a unique perspective of the world. But people never want to talk this deeply right off the bat, and when I try to talk this deeply to them, people seem off put or uncomfortable. Many times they don't talk to me again after that. I can understand where they're coming from, but I just wish I could support someone.

For me, I just want to feel needed. I want to hear about people's problems, I want to give advice, I just want to be useful, and that's all I really need in a friendship. I want to GIVE twice as much as I'm getting, if that makes sense?

Recently I've been feeling more lonely than usual, and I've decided to settle and find at least an affiliate, but I can't do that anymore either. I've attempted doing this online, and even that has been a tough road, never mind in real life. Any advice?

Coming here is a step in a positive direction.

I'd encourage you to be receptive and responsive to options....alternatives....social contacts aren't an either / or proposition, or an all-or-nothing kind of thing....casual or 'affiliate' friendships are better than no relationships.

And it's no surprise that people can be put off or uncomfortable with your ratcheting the intensity level up too soon. Try keeping things in a 'safer' zone for starters....small talk isn't necessarily "cheap", it's just a way for people to feel out their comfort zones with each other.

That's just my opinion....

Sorry to hear of your experiences, it's hard. Constant stranger's advice is probably the best idea. It's really tough being an introvert and society's devaluation of anything that isn't an extra/extroverted style tends to turn us into recluses as we feel nobody really understands us.

You sound like the kind of person I'd love to interact with, I could do all the talking if necessary, but often people feel comfortable enough with me to talk more than usual. But like you, sometimes I struggle with people who just want to talk about the everyday stuff, I never really know what to say, but if we start talking about quantum physics, emotions, or psychology, I could discuss all night!

Good luck in your search!

This happens to me too, pretty much all the time.
Most of the people who I could say are my "friends" pretty much consider me the least important. They're always talking or playing games with someone else, and only just say "Hi" or something to me (sometimes not even that), which really makes me feel like they don't care about me at all, (they probably don't anyway) and I don't want to ask them anything because I could just ruin whatever is there left.

All I can say is keep your head up and try to be there for anyone who needs someone.