Is love only meant only for certain people?

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lmph8885

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I don't consider myself as the ugliest woman in the world, however I am far from being beautiful. I am a bit overweight, I have small breasts, manly face and one of my front tooth is slightly chipped. I had a nose job 7 years ago, but it only slightly enhanced my face. I still get asked every once in a while if I am a man/transsexual. Even with this autodescription, I've had relationships and a few guys have been attracted to me. I turned 30 a week ago, I am single and with no prospects. All of this has made me feel a bit depressed. I know life is not only about finding love and getting married. However, it makes me sad that at my age I have never experienced true love. I have fallen in love, but never been loved back. Some guys have really liked me, but no matter how much I tried sometimes, I couldn't feel the same way. Most people say/think that you should give people that like you a chance. I have, 4 times, never worked and it only ended up in a disaster (the other person being hurt). Based on my experience, love doesn't work that way.

I might need to lower my standards. However, I can say I am not the type of woman that only likes handsome guys, on the contrary. When I see a handsome man, I just turn away because I know he is too good looking for me. I have learned from my experiences. When I go out with friends, they always get the attention and I get either ignored or brutally rejected as if I would stink like an old corpse. I do get it, I am not attractive.

Lately, I don't feel attracted to other men very often. However, when I do feel attracted, the guy is never attracted to me and ends up with another woman, in love and being loved. How can people find love? Why am I so unlucky? For me it seems that for several situations, I am always unlucky, always on the wrong place, on the wrong time and I always take paths that take me to failure and disaster. I have my issues and I know that has made me struggle to find someone, but a lot of people have issues too and they find someone. I have thought that maybe karma is screwing me over for my mistakes. However, many people have did wrong and still find love. My brother, for instance, abused me mentally and physically for years, and he is married and in love. Other men that have hurt me also find someone. If I am paying for something I did, then why don't the rest pay too? I am human and still make mistakes but I have tried really hard to become better, it is not enough apparently. Am I not good enough for love? Should people be attractive to find love? If you are not too attractive and unlucky that means you are screwed for life? Is my destiny never falling in love and loved back? Sometimes I think that of my life continues this path, I will end up in two different scenarios:
Stay single forever
Marry someone I don't love and have to compromise as I had no other option. This would be not fair for me and much less for the other person. It also sounds very selfish but I think that based on my experiences, this is apparently the only way I won't end up alone.
 
Hello, I guess this is the golden question we all must wonder at times in our lives. You seem to focus on the external - looks really aren't everything and as much as I hate the obviousness: personality is what really matters. Self respect for your self and respect for others is crucial IMO.
I'm not talking as someone who's loved up - I'm older than you and have never been in love, never even had a 'proper' relationship.
Loneliness is a cruel thing but so too is punishing yourself for not being worthy. It's hard but just try focusing on yourself, love who you are and don't change for anyone else. If love is meant for you then it will come.
I get defiant and try to make myself happy and it is hard to like yourself a lot of the time but on the flip side relationships are hard work and never perfect. Love is found in many different ways. Don't pressure yourself, enjoy life however you can.
 
Slate said:
You seem to focus on the external - looks really aren't everything and as much as I hate the obviousness: personality is what really matters. Self respect for your self and respect for others is crucial IMO.

Thank you. I am quite aware that looks aren't everything. As I mentioned in my post, I am not really into handsome men. Maybe only to watch them from far away. I do believe personality is important because in the end you will deal with the person, not with the body. However, I think that there should be a certain attraction. If not, how could you become intimate with someone you are not attracted to? I have been in relationships basing myself more on personality and looks. It hasn't worked, especially when you become intimate with the person. I think there should be a balance between sexual and an emotional connection. I don't mean that I should only feel attracted to guys that look like Hollywood stars. What I find attractive might not be for someone else.
My point is, how can some people be so lucky to find someone they find attractive sexually and emotionally, and at the same time that person feeling the same way towards them? Does that really exist or is just something that only exists as an ideal model in my mind? Is it possible that such thing is nonexisting and people just settle with whom they can? Then why have so many poets and writers written about love if it is only imaginative? Why do so many people that I know long to be with someone and are corresponded by their significant other?
I don't know what to believe anymore. My rational mind tells me not to believe in what I have never felt or experienced. But then why do I stupidly still hope I will one day love someone and be loved back? Sometimes I feel that hope is making my life miserable. What will happen if I wait and it never comes? I will be devastated. People tell me I will find somebody someday. However, I know people who haven't. Why do people say such thing to me if we know that love doesn't happen to everyone? It just annoys me, especially coming from people who have never been rejected or mocked as much as I have.
I am sorry for my angry words, this issue really annoys me more than anything.
 
Hello lmph8885,

I recently joined this forum earlier this month and it really helps reading other perspectives of people alone in the world such as myself, and yourself. I fell in love the once but she didn't feel the same way for me, and that was okay. I think I was 19 at the time. It was painful, but never more than what I could bare thankfully.

I am 34, and being alone in my life most of that time taught me many things at least from my unique perspective the following. True love will always match the right people, therefore not everyone will have true love and not necessarily all for the bad reasons people think... Ooh he or she is too ugly or fat, etc. People don't find there match for a variety of different reasons, Some people are so buried in there work there is just no time for it, some people are mentally ill so that one person doesn't have the capacity for true love, and then you have certain people that have there convictions about life that they hold so dear because of how they feel the so call right person may forever be out of reach to that person.

True love is the story of legends that two people that are so compatible and into one another... they feel a since of finally coming home that tingling "Where have you been all my life?!" as a tear drops of deep love. This sounds like a fable but it actually happens.... JUST NOT TO EVERYONE. We know this for a fact, since divorce rates are very high in most countries. The average marriage last 2-5 years and that's it! Does that sound like that was true love, or that was meant to be! I think not! True love if found for one another like the tales of the soul mate almost never fail so much they are like a 99% success rate, but timing is everything! Being in the right place at the right time to actually meet and realize that we just know we are the other halves that is meant for one another. Even with whatever nonsense that comes along, or disagreements or misunderstanding that will never cause the two to break it off.

So you see, The world is so big, full of many possibilities and different people with varying personalities, traits, issues, and baggage. Ultimately to find your soul mate out of the bunch is like trying to find a needle in the hay stack.

Don't be in despair, Be happy, Stay true to who you are. You don't need to change! I say all of this as encouragement to you. Continue your conquest of true love, stay true to yourself! Have no expectations for other people, you either will like them for who they are or you will not. I realized it is pointless to expect people to change they simply won't do so! They are either going to like what you are about or there not. Since they are not going to change, why should you?

Be happy with yourself no matter what! Believe it or not life does not require you to live with someone just to be happy.
I really hope I was of any help to you, and I really do wish you the best in every success! :)

Peace!
 
Lmph8885, all I can say is that I really empathize with what you're saying. Nobody has ever really attacked me for my looks, although growing up I believed I was ugly and have only recently started thinking that I can look decent with a little grooming. But, it hasn't done me any good. I will be 29 in a few weeks, and no girl has ever expressed any real desire to be with me. I'm just getting tired of being the one that never gets picked. I know how it really makes a person feel worthless. It hurts.

I too have often wondered if I just don't have the luck to get a girlfriend. Instead of looks, my problem has always been that I'm not "cool" enough. I've tried to figure it out though, and I think I have some ideas as to where I'm going wrong but I'm not certain.

And I really relate to this part here. I think about this all the time:

lmph8885 said:
Sometimes I think that of my life continues this path, I will end up in two different scenarios:

Stay single forever

Marry someone I don't love and have to compromise as I had no other option. This would be not fair for me and much less for the other person. It also sounds very selfish but I think that based on my experiences, this is apparently the only way I won't end up alone.

Unless I am able to really change something somehow, I too see myself either being single forever or just faking my way through a relationship with someone I don't love and am not attracted to, and it gets me down to think that an unhappy compromise is going to be the only way I will ever get out of being single. I worry about this almost constantly.

What keeps me going though, when I get sad like this, is to just try to remind myself that I never know what's going to happen. I just kind of tell myself that I've been negative about it, and everything else, all my life and it's gotten me nowhere, maybe the girls even pick up on this and it pushes away. So maybe being positive will change what I get somehow, maybe the subconscious change will help me make a different impression with girls. I also feel like I'm going to keep trying to fix what's wrong with me until I've fixed it all, and I'm just going to commit to getting a girlfriend until it happens and I won't take no for an answer. I tell myself that even though I don't know how I will do it, or when, I will make this rejection end someday.

I wish you all the best in finding love Lmph8885. You can do it :)
 
This cheered me up, thanks!
Where did the reputation points go?
Bob Lee said:
Hello lmph8885,

True love is the story of legends that two people that are so compatible and into one another... they feel a since of finally coming home that tingling "Where have you been all my life?!" as a tear drops of deep love. This sounds like a fable but it actually happens.... JUST NOT TO EVERYONE. We know this for a fact, since divorce rates are very high in most countries. The average marriage last 2-5 years and that's it! Does that sound like that was true love, or that was meant to be! I think not! True love if found for one another like the tales of the soul mate almost never fail so much they are like a 99% success rate, but timing is everything! Being in the right place at the right time to actually meet and realize that we just know we are the other halves that is meant for one another. Even with whatever nonsense that comes along, or disagreements or misunderstanding that will never cause the two to break it off.

So you see, The world is so big, full of many possibilities and different people with varying personalities, traits, issues, and baggage. Ultimately to find your soul mate out of the bunch is like trying to find a needle in the hay stack.
 
lmph8885 said:
My point is, how can some people be so lucky to find someone they find attractive sexually and emotionally, and at the same time that person feeling the same way towards them? Does that really exist or is just something that only exists as an ideal model in my mind? Is it possible that such thing is nonexisting and people just settle with whom they can? Then why have so many poets and writers written about love if it is only imaginative? Why do so many people that I know long to be with someone and are corresponded by their significant other?

Well, some people are just luckier. I do believe it exists but I doubt it exists for everyone. People believe what they want to believe. Something that doesn't seem like true love to you might be to someone else who believes so. It's so subjective... I find it pointless to compare our lives to others in this department. You don't have control over who you fall in love with or whether they reciprocate or not. I have long stopped wondering when I'll meet "the one" even when I see some of my friends having the time of their lives with their partners or husbands and they seem happy. But every one and every relationship has issues of their own that you don't always get to see on the surface.

lmph8885 said:
I don't know what to believe anymore. My rational mind tells me not to believe in what I have never felt or experienced. But then why do I stupidly still hope I will one day love someone and be loved back? Sometimes I feel that hope is making my life miserable. What will happen if I wait and it never comes? I will be devastated. People tell me I will find somebody someday. However, I know people who haven't. Why do people say such thing to me if we know that love doesn't happen to everyone? It just annoys me, especially coming from people who have never been rejected or mocked as much as I have.
I am sorry for my angry words, this issue really annoys me more than anything.

It's understandable that you feel angry or frustrated over things you have no control over, but you shouldn't let it consume you or dictate how you run your life from now on. Being frustrated about it won't bring you specific answers to your questions. These are things in life where you just let it roll and if you really want things to happen, you make an effort in achieving them.

It's also understandable that you get annoyed by people who say things they have no clue about or have not experienced before. But that's people for you... they can only know how to say positive things to make you feel motivated but sometimes, that doesn't really help. Though you can't always blame them if they're genuinely trying to make you feel better and know no other way to do so.

More recently I've had issues with the word "hope". People always tell me that I should hope for a better life or hope for a better person to spend the rest of my life with but I've been disappointed by hoping that I'm not going to make the same mistake again. I don't think hoping for something will help because if it doesn't work out, you only find yourself drowned in disappointment (hope is like expectations to me and you know what they say about expectations..).

With that said, I do hope for the best in any situation. That isn't too bad. I don't hope for things specifically but just for things to run the best way possible since I know that half the time in my life, I don't have my hands on the steering wheel to navigate my way through the places I want to go. Even if "the best" means to suffer - I always tell myself that it could have been worst, that tends to get me by.

Also, love isn't completely flawless - there is always one issue or another in anything in this life, in my experience, true love included. I've experienced a few relationships for myself and back then I used to think what a wonderful thing to have and people to love but it can be very painful too and very challenging. As much as this is all I know in my past experiences with love, I'm not going to say that this is how it will be for everyone else because each situation is always different.

You don't have to believe in things that you feel may not happen. It might be for the best in case things don't work out - but that also doesn't mean you stop working towards getting it. It's possible, just not certain. Don't let "hope" make you feel miserable - it's not supposed to.
 
Peaches said:
This cheered me up, thanks!
Where did the reputation points go?
Bob Lee said:
Hello lmph8885,

True love is the story of legends that two people that are so compatible and into one another... they feel a since of finally coming home that tingling "Where have you been all my life?!" as a tear drops of deep love. This sounds like a fable but it actually happens.... JUST NOT TO EVERYONE. We know this for a fact, since divorce rates are very high in most countries. The average marriage last 2-5 years and that's it! Does that sound like that was true love, or that was meant to be! I think not! True love if found for one another like the tales of the soul mate almost never fail so much they are like a 99% success rate, but timing is everything! Being in the right place at the right time to actually meet and realize that we just know we are the other halves that is meant for one another. Even with whatever nonsense that comes along, or disagreements or misunderstanding that will never cause the two to break it off.

So you see, The world is so big, full of many possibilities and different people with varying personalities, traits, issues, and baggage. Ultimately to find your soul mate out of the bunch is like trying to find a needle in the hay stack.

Peaches,

You are very welcome. One is glad to be of service. :)
 
lmph8885 said:
I don't consider myself as the ugliest woman in the world, however I am far from being beautiful. I am a bit overweight, I have small breasts, manly face and one of my front tooth is slightly chipped. I had a nose job 7 years ago, but it only slightly enhanced my face. I still get asked every once in a while if I am a man/transsexual. Even with this autodescription, I've had relationships and a few guys have been attracted to me. I turned 30 a week ago, I am single and with no prospects. All of this has made me feel a bit depressed. I know life is not only about finding love and getting married. However, it makes me sad that at my age I have never experienced true love. I have fallen in love, but never been loved back. Some guys have really liked me, but no matter how much I tried sometimes, I couldn't feel the same way. Most people say/think that you should give people that like you a chance. I have, 4 times, never worked and it only ended up in a disaster (the other person being hurt). Based on my experience, love doesn't work that way.

I might need to lower my standards. However, I can say I am not the type of woman that only likes handsome guys, on the contrary. When I see a handsome man, I just turn away because I know he is too good looking for me. I have learned from my experiences. When I go out with friends, they always get the attention and I get either ignored or brutally rejected as if I would stink like an old corpse. I do get it, I am not attractive.

Lately, I don't feel attracted to other men very often. However, when I do feel attracted, the guy is never attracted to me and ends up with another woman, in love and being loved. How can people find love? Why am I so unlucky? For me it seems that for several situations, I am always unlucky, always on the wrong place, on the wrong time and I always take paths that take me to failure and disaster. I have my issues and I know that has made me struggle to find someone, but a lot of people have issues too and they find someone. I have thought that maybe karma is screwing me over for my mistakes. However, many people have did wrong and still find love. My brother, for instance, abused me mentally and physically for years, and he is married and in love. Other men that have hurt me also find someone. If I am paying for something I did, then why don't the rest pay too? I am human and still make mistakes but I have tried really hard to become better, it is not enough apparently. Am I not good enough for love? Should people be attractive to find love? If you are not too attractive and unlucky that means you are screwed for life? Is my destiny never falling in love and loved back? Sometimes I think that of my life continues this path, I will end up in two different scenarios:
Stay single forever
Marry someone I don't love and have to compromise as I had no other option. This would be not fair for me and much less for the other person. It also sounds very selfish but I think that based on my experiences, this is apparently the only way I won't end up alone.

To answer the question in the title.

Yes - some people for whatever reason will find it either extremely difficult or impossible to find love or a partner.

It doesn't mean you can't enjoy your life though. Far from it.
 
Some of us will just never be wanted or desired... by anyone.

Some of us will either have to either settle for whatever we get, or end up with nothing at all.
 
kamya said:
Some of us will just never be wanted or desired... by anyone.

I think there's someone out there for everyone. I actually think there are several people out there for each person; I believe in the concept of soul mates instead of a soul mate, because that would be someone who complements who you are, or is almost completely compatible, whether it is a member of your family, a friend, a romantic partner, a mentor, or a complete stranger. For those who are unable to find partners or find it difficult, I think perhaps Longfellow's ships that pass in the night is probably the most apt analogy. But there are billions of people out there. You can't rule out every single one of them with such finality.
rqw0sj.jpg
 
Aisha said:
kamya said:
Some of us will just never be wanted or desired... by anyone.

I think there's someone out there for everyone. I actually think there are several people out there for each person; I believe in the concept of soul mates instead of a soul mate, because that would be someone who complements who you are, or is almost completely compatible, whether it is a member of your family, a friend, a romantic partner, a mentor, or a complete stranger. For those who are unable to find partners or find it difficult, I think perhaps Longfellow's ships that pass in the night is probably the most apt analogy. But there are billions of people out there. You can't rule out every single one of them with such finality.
rqw0sj.jpg

yes but we don't meet a billion people in our lives do we ?

When you think about it the odds are very high.
For example lets look at me. I see or meet a woman I like the look of.
And I want to get to know her better. But firstly she has to be single. What are the odds on that ? One in 10 ? And then I have to get the opportunity to ask her out which isn't always easy. And then she has to be interested in me. What are the odds ? One in 100 ? One in 10,000 ? - It's long odds whatever. Extremely difficult for me to meet anybody.
 
Triple Bogey said:
yes but we don't meet a billion people in our lives do we ?

When you think about it the odds are very high.
For example lets look at me. I see or meet a woman I like the look of.
And I want to get to know her better. But firstly she has to be single. What are the odds on that ? One in 10 ? And then I have to get the opportunity to ask her out which isn't always easy. And then she has to be interested in me. What are the odds ? One in 100 ? One in 10,000 ? - It's long odds whatever. Extremely difficult for me to meet anybody.

I didn't say we do meet a billion people. I was addressing Kamya's statement that 'some people will never be wanted or desired by anyone'. There definitely will be someone to want/desire/love everyone. Just because one doesn't meet them, doesn't mean they can't or don't exist. I realize that's not helpful at all. But all that is, is just an opinion. Not a solution to anything. You're completely right about the odds.
 
Aisha said:
Triple Bogey said:
yes but we don't meet a billion people in our lives do we ?

When you think about it the odds are very high.
For example lets look at me. I see or meet a woman I like the look of.
And I want to get to know her better. But firstly she has to be single. What are the odds on that ? One in 10 ? And then I have to get the opportunity to ask her out which isn't always easy. And then she has to be interested in me. What are the odds ? One in 100 ? One in 10,000 ? - It's long odds whatever. Extremely difficult for me to meet anybody.

I didn't say we do meet a billion people. I was addressing Kamya's statement that 'some people will never be wanted or desired by anyone'. There definitely will be someone to want/desire/love everyone. Just because one doesn't meet them, doesn't mean they can't or don't exist. I realize that's not helpful at all. But all that is, is just an opinion. Not a solution to anything. You're completely right about the odds.

Its hope that in the unlikelihood that as you live your life as you are, staying true to yourself you will run across that special "someone" that truly gets you and love you.

It is a hope I will cherish and look out for, but in the end if will be unlikely. I don't dismiss the possibility I just merely recognize the incredible odds.

I still go out and do things, and make attempts to be social-able. Thank goodness I'm very use to rejection and it doesn't sting nearly as much as it once did. Live and let live, try to search for your dreams and be happy that you didn't just concede to defeat!
 
I can relate to this post. I don't consider myself ugly. In fact when I want to dress up I get a lot of unwanted attention. However, I feel there is something about me that does attract that "deep" and abiding adoration that some people have in spades.

There are some people I know that are like love magnets. People fall for them all the time. There is no ryme or reason to it. They are not necessarily good looking. Some were good looking and then got fat, and still are married again before the divorce papers are done.

If I were to take a guess I would guess three things (1) I am not very compassionate / smoopy. I am rather blunt and state the truth. People do not like that; (2) I do not appear to be someone who will ever be turned into a slave / doormat which some of these serial marriers do not mind at all; (3) I tend to be funny and for some unknown reason, funny, is unattractive. For example I would state my exhibit A in the "very beautiful woman; who is funny; and not married -- Sandra Bullock.

In addition a lot of these serial marriers do seem to have the full support and assistance of large families or groups of people (work mates) and I, do not.

I also agree that there are some people who will just not be desired or loved by anyone. It is not about looks. It is something about the person.
 
Aisha said:
Triple Bogey said:
yes but we don't meet a billion people in our lives do we ?

When you think about it the odds are very high.
For example lets look at me. I see or meet a woman I like the look of.
And I want to get to know her better. But firstly she has to be single. What are the odds on that ? One in 10 ? And then I have to get the opportunity to ask her out which isn't always easy. And then she has to be interested in me. What are the odds ? One in 100 ? One in 10,000 ? - It's long odds whatever. Extremely difficult for me to meet anybody.

I didn't say we do meet a billion people. I was addressing Kamya's statement that 'some people will never be wanted or desired by anyone'. There definitely will be someone to want/desire/love everyone. Just because one doesn't meet them, doesn't mean they can't or don't exist. I realize that's not helpful at all. But all that is, is just an opinion. Not a solution to anything. You're completely right about the odds.

I get what Aisha is saying and I believe so too. That just because you don't meet people who could or would actually desire you doesn't mean it's not true or can't happen. The world is filled with so many different types of people with so many varying different likes and interests and there is bound to be one person at least who'd complement you or your personality. It's just unfortunate we can't browse through the existent humans through a catalogue to see who's out there who'd be a match. Perhaps knowing that there's a possibility might even help some, I don't know.
 
Yes, love is only meant for the beautiful, thin people. I'm short, fat and ugly, in my 40's and have never had a girlfriend. If "looks don't matter" then I should've had a few relationships by now. But nope, women are shallow, plain and simple. They want their men tall, well built and skinny.
 
Jafo said:
But nope, women are shallow, plain and simple. They want their men tall, well built and skinny.

This isn't true for all women. You haven't met the ones who don't care for looks.
 

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