the loneliest people laugh the hardest..

Hello there. Firstly, thank you for approving my request to join this forum it means a great deal to me. I came here because I want to pour out what's been happening into my life, it is not that either great or tragic to be qualified as a story but please allow me to tell you nonetheless, of course advice are welcome or friends, I need friends.

I also noticed that there are separate sections for loneliness/friendships/heartbreaks etc and in my story I will tackle all but since my primary dilemma is being alone, I posted in here.

Anyway, last 2013 was proving to be a great year, despite slightly suffering from friendship breakups and conflicts I found a way how to spend my friendless time and that is to go to the library and read read and read. I did good in my academics, I had no problems until the summer break arrived. I met this guy from a cosplay convention, needless to say, we talked and then we clicked.

As I've said, it was proving to be a great year because to add to my academic success, I'm finding myself on the road to a relationship. This guy and I, we agreed to meet again during another upcoming event.

I told him that as a welcoming gift I will treat him and pay for everything on that said day, apparently, that good deed was a mistake because after that, as we knew each other day by day, he began asking for monetary favors, I was okay with it as I have my school allowance to lend him and hey, did I mention that I am a gigantic, ugly Asian chic and this guy was the first guy to give me some attention? Because yes, I am so desperate with a capital D to finally have a relationship, I did everything for him, I gave him everything he wanted money and all.

Two months later into the relationship, the money he was borrowing (but ain't returning, aye) increased and increased up to the point where seven months later, he was asking for expensive cameras and monthly allowance. Because I loved him, I said yes (ok, you guys can give me virtual kick punch combo) even if I am already swimming in monetary debt. I had fight with my friends who cannot lend me money (which is apparently for his needs) and eventually my close friends drifted away from me. I HAD NO FRIENDS! HAHA, CONGRATULATIONS. On top of that, I learned how to steal from my parents' wallets and sell my little brother's video games for money just to give in to his demands. (He threatens me he'll breakup with me if I don't give a specific amount)

Let's fast forward one and a half year later, with him already gone, all my money gone, my tuition money gone and you guessed it right, I haven't been able to finish my last year of education because of his money demands, but I know that this is partly my fault. So what am I now? A bum, a jobless harridan who is dependent on her mom's high salary. The thing is, my parents thought that I already finished school and had already acquired a job, what they don't know is that I am unemployed for two years already and that I was just going out everyday to read in a bookstore just so I could pretend that I was at work.

I know a lot of you will say "ooh get a job! Get a life!" But let me tell you that here in my country, you are considered a waste of time unless you can present a college diploma. True story, no honeysuckle. Another thing, I have an equivalent of $1000 in debt to my college school as I was unable to pay for the first semester, where did the money go? Oh you know. Fast forward again, so the guy is finally gone ha! His family friend even fabricated a story that he died just so they can steal my laptop yeah right that's not important anymore let's go to present.

I never really had lots of friends, I am rather "quality than quantity" when it comes to making friends. I had six best friends when I was in college but drama and real life happened so we drifted all apart except me and this two girls who are obviously gay for each other so that leaves me as the third wheel. Great. because I am not obviously important to anyone, I cut out all connections and lived my life as a modern-chic hermit.

Then just a month ago, I accidentally bumped into a high school friend, we reconnected and planned a reunion, just as circle of friends. Again, reconnecting was a mistake I made. Why? Because when I decided to live my life as a recluse, as a loner, I convinced myself that people are just waste of time. They always come and go out of your life, when you needed them they won't be there. That's what I was telling myself over and over again these past few months. I don't need people. I don't need people. I don't need people.

But when we had the reunion, it was freakin fun and for the first time since a year and a half, I began to laugh truly again but reality had to slap me again, after the get together we were like strangers again. The pain of loneliness doubled because I realized that I DID NEED PEOPLE IN MY LIFE and when I was finally reaching out to the outside world again, people are suddenly gone. It's devastating. I had never felt more alone in my life. Now I'm planning another Ditch All Your Friends 2.0, literally no one is talking to me now it's like the reunion never happened. I read that "Being busy" is never a reason. I guess they just don't care about me after all, I guess people are just lying when they say "I'll be here for you when you need me."

Alright, I'm sorry it was too long and it doesn't make any sense at all but I had to get it out of my chest. I need someone to talk to, the loneliness is driving me maaaaad. I never thought it could hurt this much

I must be pretty freaking lonely then, because I laughed so hard at a lady laughing while she was talking about a cat yesterday, that I couldn't catch my breath for like 5 minutes.

But the title of your thread reminded me of this:

You made some bad choices, abandonhope. If I was in your place I think I'd focus on correcting some of the logistic problems like paying off my money debts and getting back to school. If it means working a menial job for awhile, I'd do it.

The friendship/relationship issues? I'd say success in that area is more likely when the logistics are running a bit more smoothly. Also, to be candid, stealing and faking being at work are behavior traits that are counter-productive to forming authentic relationships.

I've always thought that looking for relationships to solve one's problems leads to unsuccessful relationships. Better to get our honeysuckle together, at least a little bit, and then bring that as an asset to the relationship. Just my opinion.......not saying I have all the answers.

I consider myself lonely but I don't laugh hard at all. Either way, welcome to the forum.

constant stranger said:

You made some bad choices, abandonhope. If I was in your place I think I'd focus on correcting some of the logistic problems like paying off my money debts and getting back to school. If it means working a menial job for awhile, I'd do it.

The friendship/relationship issues? I'd say success in that area is more likely when the logistics are running a bit more smoothly. Also, to be candid, stealing and faking being at work are behavior traits that are counter-productive to forming authentic relationships.

I've always thought that looking for relationships to solve one's problems leads to unsuccessful relationships. Better to get our honeysuckle together, at least a little bit, and then bring that as an asset to the relationship. Just my opinion.......not saying I have all the answers.

Click to expand...

Of course I made some bad choices, this is why I'm posting here ain't it? Getting my honeysuckle together means preparing for something big. Not to mention, I've been scammed by an online job. Sometimes I'm torn apart between reforming my relationships and just let them go. I have so much going on inside me, I'm gonna burst and I don't know where to put it or who to talk to

I'm so confused by your post, there's so much going on. Start with being honest to your mother.

I agree with your post even though I didn't read it because it was too long.

Something big eh? That sounds promising. Try to focus on a realistic first step, then a second and so on. That 'so much going on inside' thing can be an obstacle. Focus!