Looking to improve your life?

I've just started browsing social anxiety/loneliness forums & feel there are a lot of people out there who don't know what will make them happy or who know but are unwilling/scared to change their lives.

I know the reason why I'm lonely & that's because I find it difficult to connect with people. That is my main problem.

There are other things that I am working on and these include finding somewhere new to live and starting a new business from scratch.

But I also need to figure out why I find it so hard to make friends. I thought a good start might be meeting or chatting to people who know what its like to feel disconnected. I need to find some friends in my area but I don't fancy going to any old Meetup because I want to meet other people like me.

These are the things I need to do to improve my life. Does anyone else know what they should do to improve theirs? What would make you happier?

Kris35 said:

But I also need to figure out why I find it so hard to make friends. I thought a good start might be meeting or chatting to people who know what its like to feel disconnected.

Click to expand...

I also don't connect with people. I have already come up with some ideas.

1. I do not like and will not participate in most bonding behaviors. I have come to conclude that these bonding behaviors are a way of telling others that you want to be friends. However, I cannot abide by them. These behaviors include: *going along with the crowd*; valuing my own self; not liking social bonding behaviors such as getting drunk, and caring about sports... at all.

2. I expect a lot of people. Yes I do expect you will show up when you say you will. I do expect you do to your job and I expect you to be loyal to me if you claim to be my friend. So sorry.

3. My interests just do not seem to go along with everyone elses. If I like a tv show, others won't. If I like to take Wednesday's off everyone else likes Monday's and Friday's.

My conclusion? Stop trying. I don't mean that in a very defeatist way, just if I get the slightest vibe that is not good... I discontinue. Just not worth having someone in your life that doesn't add to it. I think our society has gotten to crazy "friends are everything". In the 1800s people had no one around. Obviously they didn't go into the mental hospital. Other religions emphasize working on you (Buddhism) so you don't need friends to be happy. Good friends can help but they shouldn't be the be all and end all.

Hi Sutton. I have a theory. Us lonesomes mostly feel let down by people (so called friends - yep, know about them) and I think thats because we are loyal because we value genuine people. I'm a giver (people pleaser) and often feel let down by friends because their behaviour doesn't meet my oh so high expectations.

I am trying to "lighten up" and not expect people to be almost perfect - and also I'm trying not to give as much. Eg, always putting my hand in my pocket first.

Working on "you" sounds good, but I do think we all need human interaction. I work from home so get very lonely. I don't know - it's a maze me thinks.

I am in a similar situation, where I have problem trusting people but at the same time being empathic.

Changed I did lately were :

- I moved to a new apartment

- taking a new hobby, playing the violin, who doesn't need someone else, beside my teacher at first.

- Asked not to work home anymore, which was received like I was crazy but got accepted and soon will work at home only on Fridays.

I am trying to think more about what would I want or would like to do for myself to feel that I am evolving and just not standing there, feeling lonely. I think feeling lonely and doing nothing about it gets me more depressed than anything else.

I tried Meetups but being Introverts it can be overwhelming and stressful. I too wish I could meet people like me but meeting Introvert can be challenging

Hi Seabee,

You know, earlier on I sat there thinking to myself "I think I will just give up and accept I'm no good in relationships (of any kind really) and get used to the idea I am going to be alone forever". But I am giving it one more shot.

I'm not interested in a romantic relationship - I cannot deal with the heartache - well, when you only have that one person, it's really bad if that relationship fails. So I want to get more people around me.

I'm sure there are some Meetups for introverted people? I did start a Meetup a couple of years ago but I only did it the once. Maybe I should try and start another one up. Something for me to think about. Can I be arsed?

It's weird to watch people in their daily lives, talking so naturally and not finding social situations difficult. I often think "God I wish I was like that".

So yes one more try for me and then I think I'm just going to have to accept the stress of trying to mix is too much and give up. Sounds like heaven and depressing at the same time.

SeaBee said:

- Asked not to work home anymore, which was received like I was crazy but got accepted and soon will work at home only on Fridays.

Click to expand...

Well, I do not work at home. So I agree, not quite the same thing. At one time I got laid off and I really thought it would be so fun, but by the 7th week I wanted to go to work. Any friends I did have were at work all day long so I thought I was going to go insane.

Kris35 said:

So I want to get more people around me.

Click to expand...

Too many people around sounds so dangerous to me. Being a pleaser myself, people tend to suck you dry.

I feel, that right now, I need to simplify my life, then once I feel more comfortable then I will add to it.

SeaBee said:

Kris35 said:

So I want to get more people around me.

Click to expand...

Too many people around sounds so dangerous to me. Being a pleaser myself, people tend to suck you dry.

I feel, that right now, I need to simplify my life, then once I feel more comfortable then I will add to it.

Click to expand...

Well, there's a difference between pleasing people and being a doormat. Fine line between the two.

My friends were put to the test recently and three failed big time. Then I thought and realised people are only willing to do so much - and maybe thats as it should be. Put it this way - I came from a beautiful detached house and running my own business until a few months ago and then jobless and homeless. I am now getting back on my feet - but I was always the generous one and when I was down and almost out recently my friends went AWOL!! I was still planning my future yet they dump me - well, people like it when you are happy dont they. If the tables had been turned I would have been ringing them up every day and going round to see them. Thats me doing stuff that aint altruistic because I enjoy doing it. But no more. When a friends cat died five years ago, she came and stayed with me for a week - one night she went out and came back. I was on the phone to the NHS or whatever that number is cos my friends lips were turning blue, she was so drunk. Fast forward five years and my own special 17 year old cat is dying and my friend can only give me one call a week.

I certainly wouldnt let people walk all over me but I do think Ive been too generous and will stop that now. So, new people new start and will see what comes up. Doubt I will meet anyone on any forums as all members are so spread apart but I have other ideas.

Onwards, stronger and making plans.

Kris35 said:

Then I thought and realised people are only willing to do so much - and maybe thats as it should be.

Click to expand...

Exactly, people are only willing to do so much. Just because YOU are willing to do something, doesn't mean everyone is okay with doing what you do. It sounds like you are projecting what YOU would do onto others and expecting them to do the same. They won't, because they aren't you.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you're wrong about your friends or that they are perfectly innocent. Just something to think about.

Kris35 said:

Doubt I will meet anyone on any forums as all members are so spread apart but I have other ideas.

Click to expand...

So you don't feel that you can have a lasting, true friends with someone that doesn't like near you?
I would recommend changing that thought, if you do, because some of my closest friends live nowhere near me and I've never met them. Don't count people out just because you can't go to the mall with them.

TheRealCallie said:

Well, there's a difference between pleasing people and being a doormat. Fine line between the two.

Click to expand...

That's true. And once you keep on trying to please people all the time the line gets harder and harder to see.

Kris35 said:

My friends were put to the test recently and three failed big time. Then I thought and realised people are only willing to do so much - and maybe thats as it should be. Put it this way - I came from a beautiful detached house and running my own business until a few months ago and then jobless and homeless. I am now getting back on my feet - but I was always the generous one and when I was down and almost out recently my friends went AWOL!! I was still planning my future yet they dump me - well, people like it when you are happy dont they. If the tables had been turned I would have been ringing them up every day and going round to see them. Thats me doing stuff that aint altruistic because I enjoy doing it. But no more. When a friends cat died five years ago, she came and stayed with me for a week - one night she went out and came back. I was on the phone to the NHS or whatever that number is cos my friends lips were turning blue, she was so drunk. Fast forward five years and my own special 17 year old cat is dying and my friend can only give me one call a week.

Click to expand...

If this happened to me I would never have anything to do with these people again.

Kris35 said:

Doubt I will meet anyone on any forums as all members are so spread apart but I have other ideas.

Click to expand...

Suit yourself.

TheRealCallie said:

So you don't feel that you can have a lasting, true friends with someone that doesn't like near you?
I would recommend changing that thought, if you do, because some of my closest friends live nowhere near me and I've never met them. Don't count people out just because you can't go to the mall with them.

Click to expand...

That is so true! For example I have this friend who lives in a cold weather state and has lived there so long that she has convinced herself that -now you won't believe this- but she has convinced herself that she loves the snow and the cold temperatures. I'm working with her but I have made no progress so far.

TheRealCallie said:

Exactly, people are only willing to do so much. Just because YOU are willing to do something, doesn't mean everyone is okay with doing what you do. It sounds like you are projecting what YOU would do onto others and expecting them to do the same.

Click to expand...

Well for me, this is the entire basis of friendship. If I can't count on my "friends" to do something for me... and to know what I expect... why have them? Isn't that the entire promise of friends rather than acquaintances? I think it is perfectly normal to expect people to pay attention and do for you when you do for them.... and if they don't... drop them. They clearly want to use you. There are a lot of users out there. It is this kind of attitude that enables them.

I agree there isn't much to online friendships because you do need someone local. I tried a meet up type of thing a few years ago. We all agreed that we needed someone local to help us. Unfortunately, within 6 months several had dropped out, when they didn't need active help they were unwilling to help anyone else.

LonelySutton said:

TheRealCallie said:

Exactly, people are only willing to do so much. Just because YOU are willing to do something, doesn't mean everyone is okay with doing what you do. It sounds like you are projecting what YOU would do onto others and expecting them to do the same.

Click to expand...

Well for me, this is the entire basis of friendship. If I can't count on my "friends" to do something for me... and to know what I expect... why have them? Isn't that the entire promise of friends rather than acquaintances? I think it is perfectly normal to expect people to pay attention and do for you when you do for them.... and if they don't... drop them. They clearly want to use you. There are a lot of users out there. It is this kind of attitude that enables them.

I agree there isn't much to online friendships because you do need someone local. I tried a meet up type of thing a few years ago. We all agreed that we needed someone local to help us. Unfortunately, within 6 months several had dropped out, when they didn't need active help they were unwilling to help anyone else.

Click to expand...

And for me too, but people are selfish when it comes down to it. Well, that is how I have always thought of it, but now my thinking is, if I just only give so much & only expect so much in return, that should stop me being disappointed. I am a very loyal friend & would really go out of my way to help my mates - well, until now.

Yes I personally need a mutual support and friendship network in my area - not online I don't think - although online friends are good, I'd like people around me in my day to day life.

---

Hi BeyondShy,

I am not talking to the friends I spoke about & never will. But isn't that why we are all lonely - our expectations? Most people don't have the same ideas when it comes to friendships as I do.

And I will suit myself - thanks. That wasn't written in a horrible way - just my own experience tells me that making my life better means I need to have local connections.

---

TheRealCallie said:

Kris35 said:

Then I thought and realised people are only willing to do so much - and maybe thats as it should be.

Click to expand...

Exactly, people are only willing to do so much. Just because YOU are willing to do something, doesn't mean everyone is okay with doing what you do. It sounds like you are projecting what YOU would do onto others and expecting them to do the same. They won't, because they aren't you.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you're wrong about your friends or that they are perfectly innocent. Just something to think about.

Kris35 said:

Doubt I will meet anyone on any forums as all members are so spread apart but I have other ideas.

Click to expand...

So you don't feel that you can have a lasting, true friends with someone that doesn't like near you?
I would recommend changing that thought, if you do, because some of my closest friends live nowhere near me and I've never met them. Don't count people out just because you can't go to the mall with them.

Click to expand...

I do, but I would prefer friends to be local. I have friends 30 miles away from me but this isn't enough. I want a family of friends living close by.....if possible.

---

Think Ive messed up the quoting.

TheRealCallie said:

Exactly, people are only willing to do so much. Just because YOU are willing to do something, doesn't mean everyone is okay with doing what you do. It sounds like you are projecting what YOU would do onto others and expecting them to do the same.

Click to expand...

There's doing *every single thing* a friend expects you to, then there's the occasional instance of going out of your way to help someone you claim as a close friend. It's not out of the ordinary to hope or expect a friend to reciprocate goodwill from time to time. And if you (generalized you, not you specifically) find yourself constantly being the giver... well, then the friendship needs to be called into question. I agree with the OP and LonelySutton on their views here.

That being said, I also agree with the idea of close friends being people you have yet to meet (assuming you ever will). I've certainly met people in forums or chatrooms who were (and in some cases, continue to be) vastly superior friends over those I've met around town. I think the OP should at least consider trying to befriend people here or in other forums. But as much as I appreciate my forum/chatroom friends, they can't give you the intimacy face-to-face friends can. Or even something like participation in a shared interest/activity. Support in both online and offline lives is one's best bet, I think.

reynard_muldrake said:

TheRealCallie said:

Exactly, people are only willing to do so much. Just because YOU are willing to do something, doesn't mean everyone is okay with doing what you do. It sounds like you are projecting what YOU would do onto others and expecting them to do the same.

Click to expand...

There's doing *every single thing* a friend expects you to, then there's the occasional instance of going out of your way to help someone you claim as a close friend. It's not out of the ordinary to hope or expect a friend to reciprocate goodwill from time to time. And if you (generalized you, not you specifically) find yourself constantly being the giver... well, then the friendship needs to be called into question. I agree with the OP and LonelySutton on their views here.

Click to expand...

Well, sure, there are some things that can (but really shouldn't) be expected of people. Like being there when you are down or in trouble or whatever, but the problem with expectations is that they are usually based on what YOU would do, what YOU feel is right, what YOU believe. You are the only you there is, so not everyone feels the same way about things as you do, so to expect them to do things that you would do is kind of wrong, IMO.
Expectations lead to disappoints. If you stop having those expectations, you won't be disappointed. If it happens, great, but if it doesn't, you're the one that's hurt, not them.

As to the online friends thing, I can honestly say that if it weren't for a few of my online friends, I likely wouldn't be around, they saved me from myself, which is more than anyone offline could have done, because I'm closer to these people I have never met than I am my friends offline.

TheRealCallie said:

reynard_muldrake said:

TheRealCallie said:

Exactly, people are only willing to do so much. Just because YOU are willing to do something, doesn't mean everyone is okay with doing what you do. It sounds like you are projecting what YOU would do onto others and expecting them to do the same.

Click to expand...

There's doing *every single thing* a friend expects you to, then there's the occasional instance of going out of your way to help someone you claim as a close friend. It's not out of the ordinary to hope or expect a friend to reciprocate goodwill from time to time. And if you (generalized you, not you specifically) find yourself constantly being the giver... well, then the friendship needs to be called into question. I agree with the OP and LonelySutton on their views here.

Click to expand...

Well, sure, there are some things that can (but really shouldn't) be expected of people. Like being there when you are down or in trouble or whatever, but the problem with expectations is that they are usually based on what YOU would do, what YOU feel is right, what YOU believe. You are the only you there is, so not everyone feels the same way about things as you do, so to expect them to do things that you would do is kind of wrong, IMO.
Expectations lead to disappoints. If you stop having those expectations, you won't be disappointed. If it happens, great, but if it doesn't, you're the one that's hurt, not them.

As to the online friends thing, I can honestly say that if it weren't for a few of my online friends, I likely wouldn't be around, they saved me from myself, which is more than anyone offline could have done, because I'm closer to these people I have never met than I am my friends offline.

Click to expand...

Why do you say 'you wouldn't be around' ?
Did things get that bad ?
And would you like to share what happened ?
(I understand if you don't want to talk about it)

Triple Bogey said:

Why do you say 'you wouldn't be around' ?
Did things get that bad ?
And would you like to share what happened ?
(I understand if you don't want to talk about it)

Click to expand...

I don't really talk about the things that have happened to me. I know some people here assume I have never had any serious issues in my life, but that couldn't be further from the truth. I've been through a lot in my life, some of which I'm amazed I got through.

reynard_muldrake said:

That being said, I also agree with the idea of close friends being people you have yet to meet (assuming you ever will). I've certainly met people in forums or chatrooms who were (and in some cases, continue to be) vastly superior friends over those I've met around town.

Click to expand...

Agreed. I have a small online group that has really been the "friends" that I don't get in real life. No they can't help me in reality but, I think they keep my head on straight enough that I am emotionally available when a solid real life friend comes up. Though those are about every 10 years or so.

I only have two serious friends who I can depend on. But I feel distant from them when I need them. I mean I can't just show up at their door when things go wrong. I've helped them when things have gone wrong in past relationships. I've driven far on the same day something has happened because they've shown loyalty to me. Whenever they need me I will be there but they don't lead the life I lead. They can't help me out when I need it instantaneously. I mean I can call them up, but often you need to see someone. Someone who you can depend on. I don't have that really.

So, from my point of view. I'm looking to find more friends I can depend on nearby.

Btw, I find it difficult to connect with a lot of people too just like the OP stated.

TheRealCallie said:

Triple Bogey said:

Why do you say 'you wouldn't be around' ?
Did things get that bad ?
And would you like to share what happened ?
(I understand if you don't want to talk about it)

Click to expand...

I don't really talk about the things that have happened to me. I know some people here assume I have never had any serious issues in my life, but that couldn't be further from the truth. I've been through a lot in my life, some of which I'm amazed I got through.

Click to expand...

Well I hope the future is going to better for you !
(I do mean that)