How has being lonely changed your outlook about life? (Long)

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AnonymousMe

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I’ve always read that loneliness causes both physical and mental consequences, negative effects that can be very hard to treat in the long run, I understood what the articles were trying to state, but without experiencing those issues themselves, nobody can fully understand what those essays mean. I’ve known what my problems are, tried to solve them since my school years, especially in College, after my breakdown however, I stopped trying in solving my emotional turmoils, in socializing and pursuing my dreams. Since then, I’ve simply spent the majority of my time in my room, looking what to do on the internet, I think it’s going to be 4 years now since I adjusted to this and I think I am starting to pay the consequences. I’ve felt lonely for a long time, I thought that I would adjust to the continuous negative feelings, like sadness, without enthusiasm or motivation, not belonging anywhere, not being someone’s sweetheart, be sleepy, etc. Since last year, I noticed that I was sensing all of those things far more frequently and feel them just about every day now, I may have not realize it, but I think my loneliness if starting to affect me for real.

I may be stating the obvious here: I don’t stay inside my room all the time; I do go outside too almost every day, just not as often as other people. Anyway, like my feelings, I’ve also noticed that it’s also becoming more difficult to be around a group, increasing my chances of not belonging anywhere. For example, I was thinking of getting an easy, miniscule job these past months to keep me occupied, then thought twice about it when I saw a bunch of young adults around my age working in an In-N-Out kitchen. What I thought wasn’t about working in a low-salary place, what I thought was about my position around such people. I looked at all of them happy, talkative, full of life and I felt overwhelmed by just looking at them, I imagined that it wouldn’t be possible for me to even work at fast food restaurants, if I feel insecure by simply looking at them, then how will I supposed to work when I’m surrounded? Not to mention, they all looked good in their job uniforms, I cringe at imagining myself wearing such outfit.

It may not be to any of you, but I actually consider the following situation worse than the previous paragraph. Like many on this board, I too still haven’t experienced romantic relationships, I normally envy guys that I see with a mate, doesn’t matter if they’re holding hands, hugging, kissing, rubbing noses, cuddling or even walking, I try to not look, despite the damage already being done, especially when their girl is one of “my types.” I can’t even stand looking at fictional characters that have their special someone. It’s always been like this, but it’s also affecting my entertainment. How exactly?
Well, I’m abandoning YouTubers that have stated that they’re in a relationship. “Oh, that’s my wife in the back”; “I’m being accompanied by my lovely girlfriend”; “I have a son”; “I have a fiancé”; “I married!” The slightest indications make me stop watching their content. The worst happened today with my favorite YouTuber. I click a video that interests me and immediately see a purple-haired girl, with glasses, that likes video games (3 of my types combined), but what made her stand out though was something that said on her shirt, it said: “Anime is in the streets, Hentai is in the sheets.” For those who don’t know, anime is basically Japanese animation and hentai is erotic Japanese animation. I found her shirt to be a bit hilarious, so I scrolled down to the comments to see what they had to say about it. A reply to a comment that mentions her shirt said: “At least we know which one is the freak in bed of that relationship.” I wondered what it was saying, so I scroll down a bit more, then… boom. My favorite YouTubers’ name is mentioned: “X is a very lucky guy.” What I felt afterwards was… *sigh*
You know, I’ve felt both envy and dislike a lot before, so much that is now an everyday thing to me, I feel it twice as much whenever the cousin I abhor the most comes to visit, but for as much antipathy I have towards him, those sensations didn’t compare to what I felt when I read the comments, it stayed like that for a good amount of hours too. I think it was GENUINE HATE; I was disgusted, in disapproval with their relationship, felt very hostile towards the both of them, my heart was beating so strongly that it felt like it was going to force itself out from my body, I tried to forget about it by distracting myself by doing some work while listening to music. The emotion eventually waned away, I was glad when I stopped feeling that though, because I also was scared, it was a really frightening feeling, but I bet it’s not going to be the last time I’ll experience it. I still watch his content, the only reason I didn’t left this guy, was because he’s the one that provides my favorite content, it’s too bad that I won’t be able to look at him the same way again, it was like watching Jonathan and Mavis in Hotel Transylvania 2 (I didn’t mean this to be funny).

I think the most screwed up thing that my loneliness has done if my general impression towards women. I haven’t talked to befriend a girl in a long time, but I am still very well behaved when I talk to them in person, not in a funny or flirting way (I suck at both), in a calm way, I simply don’t smile and try to keep the conversation as long as I can, while leaving a very bad impression of me (I’m good at that). Something that very rarely happens to me is when a woman approaches me, I still behave the same way when I approach woman, because I know I can’t get a girl, but just the fact that someone approached me makes me feel momentarily special, regardless of age, as long as they’re not too young or too old and I know I’m don’t have Anililagnia nor Hebephilia in any way or form. I do have my “types,” whom I prefer around my age, which is mid-20s, but as someone that is desperate for companionship, I’ll always take my chances in any way that doesn’t break the law. When looking them from afar though… I’m basically a beast, I mean that in a double meaning: As a typical man who first stares at their rear-ends and as someone who looks at them as objects, my contact with women has been so abysmal, that I kind of see them as usual entities, like everything that passes by around me, like birds, cars, trees, etc. It’s a shame that I see women a bit like this a bit, as something that I could have, yet I can’t. Now you women can think whatever you want of me, I still respect you as human beings.

It’s going to be nearly 4 years since I decided to have this isolated lifestyle and at this rate, I’m slowly going to lose my mind, especially when my parents pass away in the inevitable future. All the stuff I could be exploring are unreachable experiences, it’ll be only up to my imagination in figuring out how what I wonder about feels like. I’m fully aware that I won’t be able to meet people this way, but there is one semi-good thing from this: nobody gets the chance of meeting me, after all, I’m an individual that isn’t fun and kills the fun when invited, despite the fact that I want to be part of their lives. I was made to simply… disappoint… I really don’t like my weak, chubby physicality, but I’m sometimes glad of my body, if I were strong, I would cause harm and maybe even be a murderer.

I’m not looking for tips or advices to solve my troublesome feelings; I just wrote how being lonely has affected me, there was no other place to tell this either. I now want to read about you all, how has being lonely affected your outlook about life?
 
My goodness - there was so much I could relate to in your post. Let me fill you in on how loneliness has affected me to date.

I think I had my first emotional breakdown around the age of 9. Kids can be cruel, more so when you're an easy target. Which I was. My real name was an easy way in to really hurt me, and it got to the point I never wanted to set foot in my school again. I also think it was one of the first times I wanted to not deal with people again. I was also an easy target because I was hard of hearing (diagnosed with hearing difficulties around the age of 6 - the teacher noticed I had been lip reading to help understand what was being said).

This trend continued in secondary school, where I was also the victim of bullying for around three years. Despite being nice to people, and knowing lots of them, I was only really friends with about 5 others.

By college (the first time) I was insomniac, had only 1 friend who I met regularly, had only had one failed relationship which lasted two months at best. My shyness, social awkwardness meant I never kissed her in that time. It hurt, but on reflection it was no surprise she dumped me.

My early adult life I ended up moving across country, trying college (and failing again) and ended up working retail. I hung out with a couple of people who worked there, we became drinking buddies and I would eventually end up alcoholic - drinking myself to sleep.

One event I recall was I'd got pretty drunk, really wanted to hit on this girl I liked at work who'd come out with us - but my shyness didn't let me. I was so angry with myself. I put a hole in the wall because of that. Had to hide it from the landlord by putting a poster over it.

During my entire twenties, and well into my thirties I never dated, never had any close encounters with women. It, along with other factors of appalling self-confidence, worsening hearing, no prospects in my job, caused me to be depressed. I even became suicidal at points. I remember going to a friends sisters' 18th birthday and ended up nearly jumping off a cliff because I didn't want to be there, but I could not muster up the strength to say no.

Somehow, through sheer circumstance, I met someone, and probably out of sheer desperation, I married. In fact if we are honest, we both married out of sheer desperation to have someone close. We've worked through it, but it's far from ideal. My personality at this point was I was depressed, wasn't worth honeysuckle to anyone, but I longed for companionship. I married for the wrong reasons, and nearly destroyed someone else in the process. Not only that, my self-worth meant I just could not engage in any intimate acts. I struggle to hug, to hold hands because of this.

I tried volunteering in the past, I went to church for some time, tried to join a cycling club - but all the time I felt disconnected, not part of 'the group', I failed to maintain conversations, I hated myself for not being good enough. I tried joining groups online, only to end up deleting my profile after a few weeks. I can't even manage that now.

I work in a small company, only 6 of us - but I hardly know any of them. From what I do know I'm just not interested in their lives. For example, I don't really like sport - the two guys who work here are BIG Cricket and Rugby fans. They drink. I don't. I've been sober for over 300 days now, and I don't get invited to an after work drink (despite the fact I'd happily drink coke or a fruit juice) - and my understanding of why is that I really don't add to any conversation. How can I when I'm not interested in what they are talking about, and if I talk about my interests, I get puzzled looks all around. I'm not fun, I don't like pranks, I am usually always serious.

In conclusion - loneliness, along with other factors, is destroying me. I've been to the edge of a cliff, held the knife against my wrist, destroyed my own life, trapped myself, and I don't have either the skill or fight left in me to do anything about it. If you read this far, let me elaborate - I feel sorry for you that you read through this. I feel like I'm wasting other people's time.
 
It's mostly just made me rather hopeless in some regards. I don't feel I have much control, so that does give me some peace of mind in accepting whatever happens instead of stressing about choosing correctly, but it's stressful to feel like I can't escape some problems such as loneliness. I don't feel like it matters how many people I talk to, how often, or where, as I've done it all, read all the books, etc.

In other areas, I would up doing more because it's not like anything out there can hurt me. New job, new apartment. All changes on the outside though. Worst case scenario, I fail at everything and go live in a homeless shelter or something, but is sleeping in the cold and eating plainer food really going to make me significantly more unhappy? I can take a new job I'd be scared of appearing incompetent on before, because what are they even going to do to me if I fresia up. I go right back to the life I lived for years.
 
It gave me a sense of objectivity I believe I would lack otherwise. It's a two-edged sword at the best of times.
 
Being Lonely and knowing how it has been for over a year and a half.....

1. Fear of loss of people is much worse than loss of people
2. I try to keep my bills to as low as I can so that the number of forced interactions dwindle...
3. I work from home and it is great....
4. Volunteer two times a week for interaction, feel good about others, and yet oddly can wash my hands from it and just go home afterwards


5. If I could get my groceries delivered I would
6. New acquaintences ....they lie for any reason and I just eliminate them from my life...have no time for it....


7. I use lists a lot more to keep myself motivated
8. Oversleep...

9 Go to one community dinner a week to see how I can handle people


Biggest thing was that once I knew what being lonely was that my fear of it was greater.....it is liberating...only twinge is I fear I will be lonely when I am senior citizen age.....irrational but it is there..
 
Tim Burton credits his lonely childhood to what he has become as a filmmaker.

"I was always a loner and spent a lot of time by myself, making up stories and that kind of thing. We lived near a cemetery, so I'd like to go there and wonder about the scary guy who dug graves. I never really hung out with other kids and always found it difficult to really connect with people, in particular, girls. Looking back, it's kinda scary how solitary I was. I think if you've ever had that feeling of loneliness, of being an outsider, it never quite leaves you. You can be happy or successful or whatever, but that thing still stays within you.

"Growing up, I had these two windows in my room, nice windows that looked out on to the lawn, and for some reason my parents walled them up and gave me this little slit window that I had to climb up on a desk to see out of. I never did ask them why. But my parents are dead now, so I guess the question will remain unanswered as to why they sealed me in a room. I guess they just didn't want me to escape. I don't know.

"In movies you kind of work out your issues, but then you realize that those kind of traumatic issues stay with you forever so somehow they kind of keep recurring. No matter how hard I try to get them out of my head, they sort of stay there." No wonder, then, that the quirky film-maker has always been drawn to the dark and gothic, so much so that you speculate whether his trademark tinted shades help enhance that peculiar vision of the world.

In an interview with the Los Angeles Times he went so far as to describe his childhood as a "private hell", despite the fact that, on paper, he was a fairly normal boy, achieving above-average grades at Burbank High and swimming and playing water polo on the school team.

I used to see my lonely life as a negative. But I think it has been in good in different ways. I am a filmmaker myself and it has informed the types of stories that I tell. It has given me self reliance. I go into social situations knowing that I don't have to fit in per say. It give me a little more freedom. Like when I go out to bars and meet women I am just myself.

It's how you look at things.
 
My loneliness and my inability to escape it has given me a much more negative outlook on life, as if i'm going to be alone for the rest of my life.
 
I'm more empathetic, better understanding of others who might be lonely or struggle to engage others socially. Wish I could say I'm great at connecting or approaching them, but not quite yet.

Of course I don't have any idea what I'd be like if I had a strong social life. Would I be a self-centered jerk who just focused on myself and having fun? If I was popular in high school I would have, but as that was ten years ago I might have developed more empathetic side, no way to know.
 
AnonymousMe said:
I was made to simply… disappoint… I really don’t like my weak, chubby physicality, but I’m sometimes glad of my body, if I were strong, I would cause harm and maybe even be a murderer.
Why is it that you become angry and resentful of people who have not actually done any harm to you? To suggest that you would even become a murderer if you were stronger? Just because some people are in relationships or are happy or whatever?

I think you obviously see that this anger and this pain only comes from within, but yet you do nothing to stop it? You allow yourself to create it. Why is that?
For me, the day that I realized I was doing wrong to myself was the day I started fighting to stop it. And I fought hard with all of my strength. I think maybe you should, too. You may be weak in body as you say, but you can still be strong in mind. Right now I think you are murdering yourself.

As for the question at hand, how has loneliness changed my life, I'm not really sure I can answer that. I have been lonely for as long as I can remember, since I was a child. It is simply my state of being. It cannot change me anymore than I can change it.
But perhaps what you and I call 'loneliness' are two different things. I think everyone here has their own type of loneliness they deal with. Not many are exactly the same.
 
It has been more positive than negative for me, I think, in the long run. Self-reliance, independence, being happy in my own company and several other pluses. I did have to go through tremendous lows to get to this sort of contentment though. Loneliness certainly played a part in it. I never want to go through that again. I still have a lot of fear and wariness regarding many things including other people, but I am struggling with it and I hope, winning slowly but surely.
 
stinky_cheese_dude said:
If you read this far, let me elaborate - I feel sorry for you that you read through this. I feel like I'm wasting other people's time.

Don’t worry about it, I personally think that my existence is a waste of time :) Also, at least you’ve had a companion or two, if I were to make a deal with the devil to live with someone I wouldn’t stand, I probably would accept it :p

Hauntyoueveryday said:
I used to see my lonely life as a negative. But I think it has been in good in different ways. I am a filmmaker myself and it has informed the types of stories that I tell. It has given me self reliance. I go into social situations knowing that I don't have to fit in per say. It give me a little more freedom. Like when I go out to bars and meet women I am just myself.

It's how you look at things.

I’ve always thought that EVERYTHING has advantages and disadvantages; it doesn’t matter if it’s actions, situations, consumables, utilities, etc. Of course, some of the bad things could outweigh the good and vice versa in some stances, but when it comes to moments where perspective is involved, I can see what you mean. It’s a bit hard to believe, but loneliness does have its positives, such as self-discovery, understand some things better than people that don’t feel lonely and, like it happened to you, it makes people independent, which also has its pros and cons. As for me, throughout the years, I’ve learned more about information that the media don’t like to hear about, in some ways, it makes me more educated than the majority that lazily follow whatever’s most popular, I really don’t care if it alienates me from the “norm” though, it’s more fun to talk with open-minded individuals than with persons that don’t bother to thoroughly and logically think.

niceguysfinishlast said:
My loneliness and my inability to escape it has given me a much more negative outlook on life, as if i'm going to be alone for the rest of my life.

Yeah, I know how you feel man, I think the exact same way too, but I also think that I’ll end up as a poor man, then/or as someone homeless.

Despicable Me said:
Why is it that you become angry and resentful of people who have not actually done any harm to you? To suggest that you would even become a murderer if you were stronger? Just because some people are in relationships or are happy or whatever?

I think you obviously see that this anger and this pain only comes from within, but yet you do nothing to stop it? You allow yourself to create it. Why is that?
For me, the day that I realized I was doing wrong to myself was the day I started fighting to stop it. And I fought hard with all of my strength. I think maybe you should, too. You may be weak in body as you say, but you can still be strong in mind. Right now I think you are murdering yourself.

Because I’m incompetent for and in nearly everything! And it just makes me envious too see how everyone around me has experienced stuff I should be, at least, already knowledgeable about. Believe me; if I had the strength to positively change my life, I would, but being me, it’s easier to not bother in chasing things that are out of my reach. I’ll admit that coping with the negative feelings is impossible though; even watching couples in porn and fictional stories can make me angry. So what if I secretly hate some people too? It’s not like if it’s going to affect their lives anyway.
 
I think I got more open to people. Instead of focusing on what's weird about people I meet, I try to find things I have in common with them. So what if you don't have a job. So what if you don't have any friends. This openness has made me take initiative socially a lot more than I did before.

I've faced lots of suspicion towards myself in the past, and I don't want to be that way towards others.
 
AnonymousMe said:
Because I’m incompetent for and in nearly everything!
Meh, I don't even need to know you to know that isn't true. Everyone has something they are good at doing. Many people just don't discover it for a long time.

You just need to find yourself. Figure out who you truly are. Figure out the 'Me' behind the Anonymity. That's all.

AnonymousMe said:
And it just makes me envious too see how everyone around me has experienced stuff I should be, at least, already knowledgeable about.
Don't put pressure on yourself like that. When people make these expectations of themselves, of what they "should be", they put up a barrier to whom they really are and an obstacle to finding themselves. Don't do that yourself. Just be who you really are. Embrace the uniqueness of yourself. There will only ever be one of you in all time and realities. Take pride in that.

AnonymousMe said:
Believe me; if I had the strength to positively change my life, I would, but being me, it’s easier to not bother in chasing things that are out of my reach.
Silly pessimism. What you fail to realize is the strength inside of yourself, the strength that everyone has. The strength that puts everything within reach.
It's in you. You just haven't found it yet. I promise.

AnonymousMe said:
I’ll admit that coping with the negative feelings is impossible though; even watching couples in porn and fictional stories can make me angry. So what if I secretly hate some people too? It’s not like if it’s going to affect their lives anyway.
It effects you, and in turn it effects everyone around you.
Believing you are so insignificant that you have no effect on everyone around you is part of the problem and why you don't see that strength.
But that is the very nature of that strength. Being a part of society gives us that strength. It allows us to shape not only ourselves but the very reality and world surrounding us.

This hate you develop inside is obviously a self-hate. Now I don't know you well enough to know why you hate yourself, but facing that fear, whatever it may be, is your real challenge. And sometimes to overcome our fears we must simply have faith. Not necessarily faith in God, or faith in family members, or faith in anyone, even if those things might help, but simply having faith in yourself is the real answer. Taking a leap and trusting yourself that the leap can be made, even if it never appeared to be possible before. That is what it takes.

Realize that strength and your anger will go away.
 
Being lonely has forced me to look at myself and see if there is anything I can do to improve the situation.

Overall, I've become caring and non-judgemental: willing to understand and respect people's life circumstances which lead them to behave in the way that they do.

I look at the bigger picture, with an emphasis on quality of life: solitude often brings about a peace of mind that is very pleasurable.
 
I don't know whether my outlook is changing due to just getting older and aging ungracefully, approaching what could be considered an early middle-age crisis, (although to be honest I've had the feelings of middle-age crisis even in my early twenties).

understanding that I'm lonely has made my outlook on life very different, for several years I thought I was depressed but then just last year I realized that it is loneliness and this understanding made me see things differently.

Less confusion on why I felt soo sad , but still sad.
 

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