The dumbest reason to end a relationship of 1-5+ years.

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AnonymousMe

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I’m sure this is something that’s been said or asked many times in this forum, but I’ll ask it (again) anyway. I have read this a LOT of times and even though I don’t give two sh*ts about people, it still makes me angry whenever something like this happens, due to its level of stupidity.

So what am I talking about? Well, imagine a couple that’s been together for a long time, between 1 to 5+ years, they know each other, live together, have a sex life, they’re all happy, fine and dandy, but there’s still a minor, non-important detail that’s making the woman unsatisfied with her relationship and maybe even drive her desperate: his proposal. Where is it? She’s been waiting all this time for that moment, wondering why he hasn’t showed her a ring, so she goes to confront him about it, then BOOM, either he sees it as something unnecessary or as the classic “just a piece of paper” or he outright thinks it’s ridiculous. This, of course, makes the woman feel all sorts of dramatic emotions within herself, “Ooh, I want to spend my life with him as his wife and not his girlfriend;” “Ooh, I want to have children;” blah-blah-blah. With that realization, she then starts thinking if she’ll have to end the relationship, goes on to the internet and decides to break up because anonymous responders say that her current boyfriend is “not the man that’ll make her happy” or for any other reason that would work as an excuse.

WOW, selfishness at its core, they’re basically saying that her needs and wants are MORE important than the ones from the man that’s busted his ass to make her happy at all times and precisely to avoid becoming ex’s of each other. I’m not saying that women should 100% agree with their boyfriend’s opinion, but overall, the reasons men give to not get married are often true. Titles, rings and documents don’t mean jack when it comes to determining a couple’s happiness, OK yes, both of them signing a certificate merges their finances, but if the whole reason to sign papers is to have legal benefits, then why don’t they just sign them in a simple office? The wedding and honey moon aren’t necessary and don’t guarantee “till-death-do-them-part” happiness. Those rituals are as outdated as religion itself.

WHY, just why? Why do some women do that? Why would they ruin their own happiness and end a relationship with man that may be their perfect partner? They even go on about saying that all the time they spent with him was a “waste of time…” A WASTE OF TIME. What the hell? That’s like saying that everything you’ve felt that brought you joy in the past was dumb. If a woman decides to break up with him because it doesn’t guarantee to share his mortgage with him, those women are *censored*

Hey, here’s a tip: if your boyfriend hasn’t proposed to you after staying with you for a good amount of years, then why don’t you, gee, I don’t know, PROPOSE TO HIM YOURSELF! Must men be the only ones to get on their knees and ask someone to marry them? No, of course not and there’s no reason to state further obvious things here, but people really don’t care about reverse gender roles.
 
Yeah that's interesting. Women generally want to bring up their children in a marriage. I think that's a good reason to marry. And for security - financial and otherwise.

My own marriage ceremony and reception was a farce. With no-one as my guest and my sister-in-law asking my fiancee who's going to give me away I felt more and more uncomfortable about the whole thing. Was I glad to get that day over and done with!

Many years ago I came out of care (from a children's home) barely out of childhood and lived alone and supported myself for many years until I got married. So I can say that I was a strong person that day I got married - even though I had no family of my own to support me.

Yes, it was just a piece of paper and an excuse for our guests (my husband's guests really) to have a nice meal and a get-together, but now I see that the piece of paper is very important, as I live into middle age. It provides some security for me should my husband's health decline. Financial security is what I'm talking about. He knows that and wants me to be safe and secure when he's gone.

So, if you love each other it becomes more than just a piece of paper, but if you are already financially secure there may be good enough reasons not to marry.
 
I would argue that if you can make it without having to be married, then you probably have a very strong relationship.
 
3 things to consider...


#1 if you dont think its all that important why not just do it to make her happy?

#2 consider that if you have such different values about life maybe she isnt the one for you?

#3 are you actually scared for any reason?
 
LonesomeDay said:
Yeah that's interesting. Women generally want to bring up their children in a marriage. I think that's a good reason to marry. And for security - financial and otherwise.

My own marriage ceremony and reception was a farce. With no-one as my guest and my sister-in-law asking my fiancee who's going to give me away I felt more and more uncomfortable about the whole thing. Was I glad to get that day over and done with!

Many years ago I came out of care (from a children's home) barely out of childhood and lived alone and supported myself for many years until I got married. So I can say that I was a strong person that day I got married - even though I had no family of my own to support me.

Yes, it was just a piece of paper and an excuse for our guests (my husband's guests really) to have a nice meal and a get-together, but now I see that the piece of paper is very important, as I live into middle age. It provides some security for me should my husband's health decline. Financial security is what I'm talking about. He knows that and wants me to be safe and secure when he's gone.

So, if you love each other it becomes more than just a piece of paper, but if you are already financially secure there may be good enough reasons not to marry.

I don't see how that piece of paper is necessary for financial security. Other than a few differences around tax time, is there some way that the laws around marriage work that I don't know about? Other than the ones that usually fresia doods over? How does it work in your country?
 
AnonymousMe said:
Hey, here’s a tip: if your boyfriend hasn’t proposed to you after staying with you for a good amount of years, then why don’t you, gee, I don’t know, PROPOSE TO HIM YOURSELF! Must men be the only ones to get on their knees and ask someone to marry them? No, of course not and there’s no reason to state further obvious things here, but people really don’t care about reverse gender roles.

Because they want to be proposed to. That's how the script is meant to play out.

I used to have a friend who was like this with her now husband, then boyfriend. She'd say things like "If he doesn't ask soon, then I wish he's just leave".

You're East Asian or Hispanic, correct? Gender roles are fairly well-embedded in more traditional/family centered cultures.
 
It might be stupid, but that's no one's choice to decide in a relationship but the people involved. If someone's set their heart on getting married, perhaps their rational thinking gets pushed aside because they want a wedding and marriage so bad. But, whether someone decides to let something or someone go because of that is on them.
 
From my viewpoint, if the girl / woman made her intentions of wanting to eventually get married with her male partner early in the relationship, or even before developing a romantic relationship with him, and she never gets an answer or keeps getting put off, well, blame is all him. She has every right to "rock the boat of happiness" as you say. He could be using her until he decides to move on, knowing full well he never intends to marry her. Or, he could lie and finally say he's changed his mind when confronted with her ultimatum of marriage.

There are those couples who prefer to keep the honeymoon stage going out of pure fear or ruining things and not confront key issues relating to their coupledom. Communication is key from the onset. If one partner wants to get married, hiding it in fear of losing the relationship is just as wrong as lying to a partner. One of my ex GF's "thought" that, because I loved her, that I would have no problem converting to her faith. She never came right out and made this demand until a couple of years into the relationship. That's a hell of a compromise for someone to agree to on behalf of a partner. Needless to say, no way was I converting, as I don't even practice my own religious faith.
 
If i was with a man and wanted to get married and invested significant time into the relationship and it still didn't happen, i would leave and move on. Many women want a marriage and children. I am not going to spend my life being someone's Live In. No thank you. If you aren't ALL IN with me to the point of wanting to combine your entire life, finances and everything, then you can be all gone.
 
stork_error said:
3 things to consider...


#1 if you dont think its all that important why not just do it to make her happy?

#2 consider that if you have such different values about life maybe she isnt the one for you?

#3 are you actually scared for any reason?

1. Because marriage doesn’t guarantee further happiness. Basically, it’s an exaggerated form of dedicated commitment and a very fancy party, it’s not very difficult for a couple to make the simple agreement of deciding to live together under any roof, without anyone else “officially confirming” them as husband or wife, they’re still couple like any other.

2. This is just ONE value, that’s somehow enough to even destroy matches made in Heaven. Even people with the most different values can manage to be together, they’re accepting traits about their partner that can’t be changed or accepted easily, but they still enjoy each other’s company.

3. Scared of marriage? No, I just hate it as many people do and should and it’s a very good thing marriage rates are dropping around the world.

ardour said:
AnonymousMe said:
Hey, here’s a tip: if your boyfriend hasn’t proposed to you after staying with you for a good amount of years, then why don’t you, gee, I don’t know, PROPOSE TO HIM YOURSELF! Must men be the only ones to get on their knees and ask someone to marry them? No, of course not and there’s no reason to state further obvious things here, but people really don’t care about reverse gender roles.

Because they want to be proposed to. That's how the script is meant to play out.

I used to have a friend who was like this with her now husband, then boyfriend. She'd say things like "If he doesn't ask soon, then I wish he's just leave".

You're East Asian or Hispanic, correct? Gender roles are fairly well-embedded in more traditional/family centered cultures.

Meant? Maybe, but not necessarily.

So that friend of yours thought that getting married was far more important than actually caring that she’s in an actual relationship in the first place? *facepalm* Man, I don’t have a girlfriend (And I honestly think I’ll never will), but if I had one that decides to leave me for not marrying, I’ll feel both sad and happy. Sad, because she would ruin our good relationship due to me not accepting an optional decision that wouldn’t alter our happiness, but happy because I can’t stand women that are like your friend, it makes me think that all they want is to be financially safe without doing an ounce of work, lazy asses.

By the way, I’m Hispanic.

ABrokenMan said:
From my viewpoint, if the girl / woman made her intentions of wanting to eventually get married with her male partner early in the relationship, or even before developing a romantic relationship with him, and she never gets an answer or keeps getting put off, well, blame is all him. She has every right to "rock the boat of happiness" as you say. He could be using her until he decides to move on, knowing full well he never intends to marry her. Or, he could lie and finally say he's changed his mind when confronted with her ultimatum of marriage.

I disagree, asking for marriage too early always guarantees a no, so the woman is the one to blame because of rushing the relationship.

delledonne11 said:
If i was with a man and wanted to get married and invested significant time into the relationship and it still didn't happen, i would leave and move on. Many women want a marriage and children. I am not going to spend my life being someone's Live In. No thank you. If you aren't ALL IN with me to the point of wanting to combine your entire life, finances and everything, then you can be all gone.

How the heck does marriage play a part in everything you’ve said!? Like I’ve been stating, why would you ruin your own happiness due to an optional decision? You can still have children and share everything with someone you love without being a wife. Wife, fiancé, girlfriend, whatever you are for him, it doesn’t matter, you being with him is all that matters.
 
To me the woman isn't being selfish for wanting to get married. It is a perfectly normal desire. Although the divorce rate is high, at the same time I think that being married does give a couple more incentive to stick together and work things out at hard times rather than splitting up. In the woman's shoes I would be wondering if the man is keeping his options open-not loving her enough to put a ring on her finger incase someone he prefers comes along, but not letting her go incase he can't find someone else.
 
I wouldn't automatically bring up divorce rate when someone mentions they want to get married. One because it doesn't mean that that specific couple will definitely get divorced. And two, because you bring up failure with that, and it's almost like you're counting on it to fail, and that's never a nice thing to just expect.

If someone wants to get married, that's their right to. They can want marriage if they so wish, and if that's what they're after, then they have every right to end something they're seeing is clearly not leading them in that direction. Whether someone thinks that's stupid or not has nothing to do with the fact that they can end something if they wish.

I'm not going to get married, no matter how long I've been with someone, and I told my guy - and still tell him - that he should end it if he wants to get married, because I'm never doing it. If he ever decides to, then that's his right. No one has to stay with someone who won't give them what they desire, no matter how silly it may seem.
 
If lurking legal consequences are the only viable tool to make two people stick together and solve upcoming issues, I really don't know what to make of it. Apparently taking responsibility for one another without being forced by a law is indeed unreal. So maybe getting married is the best course of action to prove that you are serious. It would make me feel like my word and reliability in the past is not enough. Kinda sad to think about it like that, but I've always been sceptical of marriage. But let them do their thing. If both parties feel like this is becoming something permanent, they ought to bring this topic up to know where the other one really stands. Though I certainly wouldn't bet on what's a normal desire and what isn't. That's just another unspoken expectation bound to blow up in people's faces.
 
AnonymousMe said:
So that friend of yours thought that getting married was far more important than actually caring that she’s in an actual relationship in the first place? *facepalm* Man, I don’t have a girlfriend (And I honestly think I’ll never will), but if I had one that decides to leave me for not marrying, I’ll feel both sad and happy. Sad, because she would ruin our good relationship due to me not accepting an optional decision that wouldn’t alter our happiness, but happy because I can’t stand women that are like your friend, it makes me think that all they want is to be financially safe without doing an ounce of work, lazy asses.

At first I thought it was selfish. Then I realized that to someone from her background marriage was symbolic of commitment. No engagement meant her boyfriend wasn't serious about 'them' and was probably going to leave at some point so he may as well leave now and spare her some pain. It's normal to want something life-long, whether it be in the form of marriage or not, so I don't judge her or anyone for it.

What I can't understand is people who get into long term relationships, sharing a house, bed, a good part of their lives with someone, yet still having reservations about it.
 
So, if a man doesn't do some stupid magic ritual with rings and stuff, that means he's not serious? And once he's done that mighty rite, he's automatically, instantly serious?
What a steamy, tasty load of bullshit.
Most marriages fall apart. I think that alone proves that some fossil ceremony doesn't guarantee commitment. Also, most marriages are ended by the woman, who demanded kneeling and vow offering in the first place; what an irony. I don't even know how do you diminish the whole thing even more.
His girlfriend is right? No way in bloody hell. If she doesn't trust him and needs legal obligations, he has all the reasons to be mad. Also, if she doesn't trust him, I don't know why would she want to marry him at all.
 
Many people use the "not getting married" card to easily escape / cut and run from a relationship that is supposed to be committed. I knew a girl who was involved with different guys for various calendar time periods; she said she received marriage proposals, but always turned them down, because (her words) "I want to get out when I'm tired / bored or meet someone else."
Her statement is no different from a male's perspective.
 
Most people are unable to understand higher concepts like marriage simply being a dumb antiquated social convention.

Women especially are more attached to the hive mind of "what should be."

Trying to reason with them is like trying to use science to reason with a religious person.
 
Menorahman said:
Most people are unable to understand higher concepts like marriage simply being a dumb antiquated social convention.

Women especially are more attached to the hive mind of "what should be."

Trying to reason with them is like trying to use science to reason with a religious person.

This kind of talk and attitude is not permitted here. We do not allow gender stereotyping and misogynistic comments.
 
Sry but people do leave each other for the "not enough sex"-reason too. Feel like this is just another reason. U want a lot of sex and aint getting it? people break up. U want to marry but he don't? People break up.
 
amale said:
So, if a man doesn't do some stupid magic ritual with rings and stuff, that means he's not serious? And once he's done that mighty rite, he's automatically, instantly serious?
What a steamy, tasty load of bullshit....

Who are you to judge a stranger's motives in their relationship? The scenarios you and the OP describe are between the two people in the relationship. How about letting people work out their own relationship issues? Frankly, you and the OP just sound like grumpy men to me.

-Teresa
 

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