Feeling a fundamental disconnect from my generation

EDIT: This started out as a post about how I feel that I don't really fit within my generation and sort of turned into something else...

I feel like my experience of the world must be very, very different to most Kiwi's my age (I just turned 25). I don't think any of my interests really line up with the norm with the possible exception of music but even then, what I do is pretty far removed from what most of my age group would be into. I'm interested in stuff like history, esoterism, philosophy and politics. I find the conversations that most people at my age from my country have are really hard to relate to and so I end up shutting off. I think the fact I haven't had much sexual experience and next to no relationship experience at my age doesn't help this situation. It's not like I can't hold a conversation perfectly fine, finding common ground just tends to be pretty hard to do often. I do seem to get on really well with the guys in my band though.

Right now I am looking forward to doing a lot more reading and growing from it. My current obsession is with anything relating to German history, religion or culture. Right now I'm reading a biography on Bismarck and I'm thinking that after that I'll try to get into some of Goodrick-Clarke's stuff on Nazi Occultism. I'm learning German as well which is something I wish I'd started doing years ago but better late than never.

I'll probably go back to reading more about Hinduism again soon which was another obsession of mine for a long time (almost got initiated into a Vamachara lineage in 2012) but I kind of lost focus with. I had a big interest in pretty much all the esoteric dimensions of the world religions, read books by guys like Rene Guenon who became a Sufi. It all kind of fell away for me though and it almost feels like I was never that person although the interest is still there somewhere. Political events lead me feeling a lot of disillusion with various cultural aspects of some of the traditions I was interested in (I won't go into further detail than this to avoid unnecessary tension with anyone on this forum).

I've actually ended up with what most would consider quite a nationalistic and sectarian outlook which seems like a really odd development for someone who was so interested in stuff like Advaita Vedanta. Maybe this will just be a phase and I'll end up a very different person again. God knows I never would have envisaged myself ever arriving in this headspace a few years ago.

I'm rambling here because it's hard for me to articulate what I mean because of the complexity of the topic and because I'm not altogether comfortable sharing more than my garbled, half-thoughts on this. To try and summarize, I've found myself in a situation where I have a lot of work to do to really know what my world-view is and whether I'll ever get initiated into something like a Tantric lineage or if that just isn't for me. This post is my flawed attempt at giving everyone here some fragmentary picture of who I am and how I got here.

I think that maybe the solution for coping with this disconnect is to just focus on being who I want to be and hoping that moving out leads to me meeting more people that I'll feel tight with. If you made it through this messy post that I struggled to write then congratulations.

While your interests are out of the ordinary, I don't think this difference is limited to your fellow young countrymen because I know it would be the same in my vicinity. I just wanted to clarify that, finding people in your immediate surroundings that cater to these intellectual interests is definitely a tough job. Speaking of German history and culture though, it is not that hard to find places on the internet with people who are knowledgable about these things - even if you have to beware of those idealizing the past.

I don't have any personal ties to esoterism or spirituality, but I can tell you that there's not that much contradiction between your forming nationalistic world-view and interest in Hinduism or Indian philosophy. Years ago I've had contact with a handful of supremacists and antisemites on Youtube who had a strange spiritual side to them based on the fascination with Indo-German culture and history. That's where these two things were tied together. I had no idea how these people managed to do live up to both ideas, but apparently it was possible. I mean, the only reason I got an opportunity to talk to them was because I am German (and not a single one of them was). Just to give you a bit more of perspective.

On a final personal note, I think an increasingly bleak perspective of the world and how it develops/crumbles can open the mind to more "extreme" ideas on how the world might be set into a more orderly state again. At a high price maybe, but when times are really bad any possible alternative can be tempting. This is the part where I might start rambling, but I don't intend to let endless drivel take the wheel.

At the end of the day, everyone's looking for a way to cope with life. Or at least to cope with the times when your mind is running idle. You can't go wrong if you keep moving when you haven't found what you're looking for yet - and you seem to have an idea of it at least. If you do find it, it's usually worth it. But you might have to search for a while.

I regret not having any actual advice to give, but you should know you are not alone in your state of reasoned disconnection.

Heh, this sounds like a lot of what I feel to be honest. I have little interest in what the people of my age group are in to. Pop culture, TV, celebrities, nightclubs, drinking, having some sort of weird nocturnal sleeping pattern. I'm just not interested. I'm much more interested with historical events, politics, books, writing, literary studies. The only thing I can connect to people with is video games, and that doesn't often work... leads me to feeling shut off and isolated. More often than not, conversations run dry, just because there's not much discussion to be had.

Most of the time, I just tend to wing it and... that usually leads to an awkward silence.

Afraid I don't have any advice, but I'm in a similar boat, so you're not alone.

What a boring world it would be if we all fit in and connected in the same ways with our respective generations. I don't want to sound like an old lady spouting clichés here but it's normal to be searching in your 20s for your place in the world. I did and it led me to leave my small hometown because I didn't really find a lot of people there like me.
The only advice I have is to keep doing what you're doing - educate yourself and travel - and I think you'll be fine.

-Teresa

My lineage is tracked directly to ancient bible scholars. Sectarism is very dangerous thinking and to continue in it would be troublesome. Escape the route that you are on while you are able to do so. I agree that you should study religious history and world history, and associate with others like a close family who want to make the world a better place. Become a tree which produces fine fruit. Try to understand the difference and nourish your fundamental roots. "Consider a tree for a moment. As beautiful as trees are to look at, we don't see what goes on underground - as they grow roots. Trees must develop deep roots in order to grow strong and produce their beauty. But we don't see the roots. We just see and enjoy the beauty. In much the same way, what goes on inside of us is like the roots of a tree." Joyce Meyer.
It is Important to be scrupulous about what you take into your mind, safeguard your thinking ability, I hope you may be enabled to obtain the understanding to distinguish right from wrong, good from bad, and in time you may reap what you sow.
By looking at the fruits of others will you be able to identify how valuable there teachings are. The fruit true worship will reap is love, Joy, Peace, long-suffering,kindness, goodness,faith,mildness,self control. This is the desirable lineage I encourage you to take part in for I have been down your path as well and I didn't like the fruit it produced. I am sure that you can get a hold of any Jehovah's witness for a free bible study if you want to learn more, certainly you have heard of them through your German history as they were the one religion as a whole who voluntarily resisted the Nazi's and thus wore the purple triangle in the concentration camps.