It might be lonelier, Without the Loneliness

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kelbo

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 11, 2010
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Location
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For years I have clung onto the hurt/betrayal/neglect that I faced as a young child growing up - as if it defined me - People would ask who are you/what are you into/where have you come from - I had no identity other than my hurt and pain.

My parents were big drinkers, every weekend all they cared about was going out. They weren't interested in the children they had - they never came to a school play, parents evening, nothing. All holidays were so they could get drunk, us children looked after by red coats. I truanted nearly a year of school in secondary school once, nobody noticed. Nobody cared enough. We had a big upheaval when my father was accused of rape/indecent assault against two of my school friends when I was 14. My mother sided with my father as did the rest of my family, I did not. She chose him, so I moved out. There was no negotiating, nobody fought for me, nobody cared enough. I slept with friends, moved in with my brother for a bit, then with my Grandma, never really settling until I was 17 and moved to Leeds on my own (for a boyfriend at the time) to study my A Levels.

Since then I have been a drugged up, drinking, self-harming, wreckless party girl jumping from one penis to another, literally. I wouldn't say I was a slag, I never had more than one on the go. An old drinking friend one referred to me as a "serial monogomist" - always had to have someone on the go. It was true.

I was damaged goods, it's how I sold myself, most guys want to fix you, be there for you, look after you. Be part of your messed-upness, even if they don't admit it. They never admit any of this, they just participate in ways that definitely explain this to be true. Until of course, they realise they cannot change you or help you, you cling to the Loneliness of the neglect of your childhood because without it - you are nothing. This scares them, they realise how hurt and traumatised you are by not having an identity, they see how far you are willing to push yourself, to injure yourself and to sabotage your life to feel something/anything because you feel so worthless - so they give up on you. They stop their "love" - though maybe because you are so tempting in your fuckedupness they probably continue having sex with you for a while, they always do.

You move on, and start the cycle again, think "who can I be this time?" try rebuild yourself as a more normal human being, try learn from the mistakes you made previously - but how can you? All you do is cling to the Loneliness - the neglect of your childhood - without it you are nothing. How can nothing learn? It can't. It doesn't exist.

So here you are now 28 years of age, pregnant (with a boyfriend yes) feeling more alone and lonely than ever. I tried to reconnect with my family thinking that it would stop me from just clinging to the Loneliness. Did it help? No. Did it make me worse? Most likely.

It might be lonelier without the loneliness, in fact it probably is - I am nothing without my loneliness and that terrifies me - but one thing for sure is they're both just two messed up sides of the same shitty coin.

Thoughts?
 
When I read this I just had to reply.. this may not be what you're expecting or looking for but I kinda wanna thank you for posting this. Understanding it is a big part of moving forward imo and somehow this helped me fill in the puzzle that little bit more. I feel so much of this.

As long as you're alive there's time. Have you tried therapy or counselling before? Not suggesting you haven't already tried to cope/solve this, but I'm in the process of doing that now and it's painful as hell some days but every now and then I look back see the progress and realise I'm much better off here as I am now than I was last week. Being real though it's taken years to find some quality treatment so I get it's not easy. But in the end I'm sure we'll get there.

One thing I'm finding helpful is setting clear boundaries with people and cutting out people who do more harm than good or have the potential to do so. Gets easier with time but for me at least easier and quicker than I thought it would be. Don't be afraid to let go of some people you've been relying on if they're harmful to you. If you feel alone with them there/they don't care about you you'll feel better or the same without them anyways.

Those are just my thoughts :x I'm no professional and in no position to tell anyone what to do.

Hope things get better for you ♡ keep holding on.

And by the way, you're way more than a past and nothingness.
 
((((Hugs))))

I am so, so sorry you have had such a harsh childhood. You should not have been treated like that.

You sound so very hard on yourself, about your life since you left home. Please don't, start being your own best friend. What you have done is lived, experienced life, maybe made some mistakes, but that is how we learn what we want.

You sound like such a strong bright woman, you will be ok. By the way whoever invented the word slag is a moron, please don't think like that. Your family don't deserve your time, sometimes the best family are people you are not related to.

Pregnancy can be a lonely time, you can feel incredibly vulnerable.....but...you are growing someone who will love you so much. This might be a fantastic time for your emotional life. You will be able to love that little person they way you wish you had been. Your time to shine and two fingers up at those that didn't care. Having this baby will open many doors to make new friends, if you can let them in. Try and make the most of playgroups etc.


Like the poster before said, please hold on.
 
Serenia said:
((((Hugs))))

I am so, so sorry you have had such a harsh childhood. You should not have been treated like that.

You sound so very hard on yourself, about your life since you left home. Please don't, start being your own best friend. What you have done is lived, experienced life, maybe made some mistakes, but that is how we learn what we want.

You sound like such a strong bright woman, you will be ok. By the way whoever invented the word slag is a moron, please don't think like that. Your family don't deserve your time, sometimes the best family are people you are not related to.

Pregnancy can be a lonely time, you can feel incredibly vulnerable.....but...you are growing someone who will love you so much. This might be a fantastic time for your emotional life. You will be able to love that little person they way you wish you had been. Your time to shine and two fingers up at those that didn't care. Having this baby will open many doors to make new friends, if you can let them in. Try and make the most of playgroups etc.


Like the poster before said, please hold on.

I'd suggest some counselling too if you haven't already. A lot of emotional changes ahead.

However, as others have said above this is a great opportunity. I'm certain you're going to love that little one with all your heart and protect it.

Don't use words to describe yourself that are negative, also quit surrounding yourself with negative people as this is worse then dealing with outright loneliness.

Note, what I've wrote is my opinion but its something I've picked up on through my life experience and through situations with other people.

You can definitely pull through all of this. Just give people a rest for a bit. Focus on fixing yourself. You've got character, and depth which it sounds like you've never explored. You need to find yourself as a person. People will gravitate towards you when they see that real you.

Sending you positive vibes :)
 
Thank you for your replies. :)

I am in a blank head space at the moment, feeling pretty vacant so unsure how best to respond. When I am feeling slightly better and more able to "hear" you, I will re-read the posts and put a better reply on.

Thanks for your time though, I appreciate you reading, thinking about my situation and caring enough to respond. It means a lot.
 
Well i am very sorry for your childhood .This its bad for a person ,i know because i live it on my own skin .The effects of it its that i was shy ,suffering from anxiety ,low esteem etc .But fortunatelyy i read a lot on this subject and i find oslution to my problems and this helped me a lot .Good luck to you and be happy
 

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