MentatsGhoul
Well-known member
Yeah, yeah, the obvious, they just wanna get laid without the commitment. But lately I've been feeling more sympathetic, like there's more to it.
I feel like I mention my ex in every thread, so I'll keep that part short. Bad break up last year, awful in fact. Haven't felt a thing for any girl since, except one. She was blonde, kinda thin. She always seemed to sit on her own, but she didn't seem meek or shy or anything, it was like it didn't seem to bother her. A bit like myself. Maybe like me, it DID bother her deep down, but I guess there's no point speculating. I knew we had a lot in common, she mentioned her interests a few times to the wider group and we were in the same club at university. I just remember one time, I was just looking across the room and our eyes met, and something just sort of rushed through me. But, never got to know her too well, tried to awkwardly start a few conversations with her. First off it turned out she had a boyfriend, secondly, she stopped going to that club, so I couldn't just befriend her or something. I'll likely never see that girl again, the first girl I kinda liked after losing the one person I thought I was going to be with for the rest of my life.
So I try to find someone else who makes me feel like that, but online dating isn't really an option in this shithole and I don't get out much. I mean, I try, but I just don't have any friends or any real opportunities to go out. Something I realised though. It's rare for me to feel a genuine attraction towards someone. But, even though I'm quiet and a bit "creepy", I'm quite a handsome guy. Every so often, there's some girl who seems to take notice of me. And I just... let it slide, because I'm either wanting someone else, or just plain not interested, even if she is physically attractive. It's so rare for me to find someone who really catches my eye, and when I do, they're virtually guaranteed to be out of my reach. There was this girl, used to stare at me every time we were in the same class. And she was pretty cute, I guess, so I noticed. But I never did anything and now she's stopped, given up. There was another girl. Didn't like her as such, but I found her pretty cute. Stole some glances, but she seemed disinterested. Lately though, she's been acting different, blushing around me, seems a bit nervous. Maybe there IS something there? And one more, looks a bit like the girl I liked for a bit, but more outgoing and "normal" I guess, I'm not sure, but I was sitting behind her and I think I caught her looking
back at me a bit. Of course, I might have just been delusional.
But, the thing is, I don't think I could date most girls. But something more casual, I'd certainly like. If I wasn't so awkward and if I knew the social conventions for these things (I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable), I might have even tried to approach them. I can't find a relationship, I can't find a girl I could truly see myself with, but everyone has basic needs. And this all makes me feel like a total *********. As if I didn't have plenty of other reasons to hate myself, like alcoholism, incompetence, depression and laziness. I mean, even if I tried, I don't know if I'd be successful, since i might just be being a narcissist and no one actually finds me attractive. But still, even that I'm considering this.....
I don't know who I am anymore.
I feel like I mention my ex in every thread, so I'll keep that part short. Bad break up last year, awful in fact. Haven't felt a thing for any girl since, except one. She was blonde, kinda thin. She always seemed to sit on her own, but she didn't seem meek or shy or anything, it was like it didn't seem to bother her. A bit like myself. Maybe like me, it DID bother her deep down, but I guess there's no point speculating. I knew we had a lot in common, she mentioned her interests a few times to the wider group and we were in the same club at university. I just remember one time, I was just looking across the room and our eyes met, and something just sort of rushed through me. But, never got to know her too well, tried to awkwardly start a few conversations with her. First off it turned out she had a boyfriend, secondly, she stopped going to that club, so I couldn't just befriend her or something. I'll likely never see that girl again, the first girl I kinda liked after losing the one person I thought I was going to be with for the rest of my life.
So I try to find someone else who makes me feel like that, but online dating isn't really an option in this shithole and I don't get out much. I mean, I try, but I just don't have any friends or any real opportunities to go out. Something I realised though. It's rare for me to feel a genuine attraction towards someone. But, even though I'm quiet and a bit "creepy", I'm quite a handsome guy. Every so often, there's some girl who seems to take notice of me. And I just... let it slide, because I'm either wanting someone else, or just plain not interested, even if she is physically attractive. It's so rare for me to find someone who really catches my eye, and when I do, they're virtually guaranteed to be out of my reach. There was this girl, used to stare at me every time we were in the same class. And she was pretty cute, I guess, so I noticed. But I never did anything and now she's stopped, given up. There was another girl. Didn't like her as such, but I found her pretty cute. Stole some glances, but she seemed disinterested. Lately though, she's been acting different, blushing around me, seems a bit nervous. Maybe there IS something there? And one more, looks a bit like the girl I liked for a bit, but more outgoing and "normal" I guess, I'm not sure, but I was sitting behind her and I think I caught her looking
back at me a bit. Of course, I might have just been delusional.
But, the thing is, I don't think I could date most girls. But something more casual, I'd certainly like. If I wasn't so awkward and if I knew the social conventions for these things (I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable), I might have even tried to approach them. I can't find a relationship, I can't find a girl I could truly see myself with, but everyone has basic needs. And this all makes me feel like a total *********. As if I didn't have plenty of other reasons to hate myself, like alcoholism, incompetence, depression and laziness. I mean, even if I tried, I don't know if I'd be successful, since i might just be being a narcissist and no one actually finds me attractive. But still, even that I'm considering this.....
I don't know who I am anymore.