I'm starting to understand why people become "players"

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MentatsGhoul

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Yeah, yeah, the obvious, they just wanna get laid without the commitment. But lately I've been feeling more sympathetic, like there's more to it.

I feel like I mention my ex in every thread, so I'll keep that part short. Bad break up last year, awful in fact. Haven't felt a thing for any girl since, except one. She was blonde, kinda thin. She always seemed to sit on her own, but she didn't seem meek or shy or anything, it was like it didn't seem to bother her. A bit like myself. Maybe like me, it DID bother her deep down, but I guess there's no point speculating. I knew we had a lot in common, she mentioned her interests a few times to the wider group and we were in the same club at university. I just remember one time, I was just looking across the room and our eyes met, and something just sort of rushed through me. But, never got to know her too well, tried to awkwardly start a few conversations with her. First off it turned out she had a boyfriend, secondly, she stopped going to that club, so I couldn't just befriend her or something. I'll likely never see that girl again, the first girl I kinda liked after losing the one person I thought I was going to be with for the rest of my life.

So I try to find someone else who makes me feel like that, but online dating isn't really an option in this shithole and I don't get out much. I mean, I try, but I just don't have any friends or any real opportunities to go out. Something I realised though. It's rare for me to feel a genuine attraction towards someone. But, even though I'm quiet and a bit "creepy", I'm quite a handsome guy. Every so often, there's some girl who seems to take notice of me. And I just... let it slide, because I'm either wanting someone else, or just plain not interested, even if she is physically attractive. It's so rare for me to find someone who really catches my eye, and when I do, they're virtually guaranteed to be out of my reach. There was this girl, used to stare at me every time we were in the same class. And she was pretty cute, I guess, so I noticed. But I never did anything and now she's stopped, given up. There was another girl. Didn't like her as such, but I found her pretty cute. Stole some glances, but she seemed disinterested. Lately though, she's been acting different, blushing around me, seems a bit nervous. Maybe there IS something there? And one more, looks a bit like the girl I liked for a bit, but more outgoing and "normal" I guess, I'm not sure, but I was sitting behind her and I think I caught her looking
back at me a bit. Of course, I might have just been delusional.

But, the thing is, I don't think I could date most girls. But something more casual, I'd certainly like. If I wasn't so awkward and if I knew the social conventions for these things (I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable), I might have even tried to approach them. I can't find a relationship, I can't find a girl I could truly see myself with, but everyone has basic needs. And this all makes me feel like a total *********. As if I didn't have plenty of other reasons to hate myself, like alcoholism, incompetence, depression and laziness. I mean, even if I tried, I don't know if I'd be successful, since i might just be being a narcissist and no one actually finds me attractive. But still, even that I'm considering this.....

I don't know who I am anymore.
 
I think there is a difference between being a casual dater and a "player". If you are casually dating, and enjoying it, that's ok with me. If you are playing mind games and faking relationships with multiple people, that's not.
 
AmytheTemperamental said:
I think there is a difference between being a casual dater and a "player". If you are casually dating, and enjoying it, that's ok with me. If you are playing mind games and faking relationships with multiple people, that's not.

Finding that balance is harder than you'd think though, and there's a lot more grey area. Even if you are upfront about it, people can develop feelings very quickly in certain situations.
 
I am well aware of how hard it is to find that balance. But we don't control other people's feelings. We also don't have the right to play with them.
 
AmytheTemperamental said:
I am well aware of how hard it is to find that balance. But we don't control other people's feelings. We also don't have the right to play with them.

Never said we do. But, after years of frustration, I'm starting to see the other side as well. I wish the whole dating thing was simpler. I guess it can be, but only for those who get very lucky, and just run into that perfect someone.
 
it sounds like your saying you dont want a relationship just casual sex
 
BadGuy said:
it sounds like your saying you dont want a relationship just casual sex

No. I seriously want a relationship, but I'm starting to seriously consider just settling for casual sex, and understanding why people do it.
 
Casual sex and being a "player" are different things in my book. But then again, I could just be a player in denial :club:
 
AmytheTemperamental said:
Casual sex and being a "player" are different things in my book. But then again, I could just be a player in denial :club:

Or maybe you just successfully found the balance between messing with people's heads and keepings things casual :p. Which I could never do, considering my social skills.
 
On a serious note everyone, try not to be offended by this thread. I haven't done anything yet anyway, and I'm not judging people for the way they live their lives.
 
MentatsGhoul said:
AmytheTemperamental said:
I think there is a difference between being a casual dater and a "player". If you are casually dating, and enjoying it, that's ok with me. If you are playing mind games and faking relationships with multiple people, that's not.

Finding that balance is harder than you'd think though, and there's a lot more grey area. Even if you are upfront about it, people can develop feelings very quickly in certain situations.

What Amy is saying. Because even if feelings develop, that doesn't mean playing games is necessary. Casual dating is fine. But playing with people just because they're there isn't the best thing, which is how I envision "player" type people. Playing games just because they can. And that I have no sympathy for.
 
VanillaCreme said:
MentatsGhoul said:
AmytheTemperamental said:
I think there is a difference between being a casual dater and a "player". If you are casually dating, and enjoying it, that's ok with me. If you are playing mind games and faking relationships with multiple people, that's not.

Finding that balance is harder than you'd think though, and there's a lot more grey area. Even if you are upfront about it, people can develop feelings very quickly in certain situations.

What Amy is saying. Because even if feelings develop, that doesn't mean playing games is necessary. Casual dating is fine. But playing with people just because they're there isn't the best thing, which is how I envision "player" type people. Playing games just because they can. And that I have no sympathy for.

Okay, now I realise I should have worded my original post better, or at least the title.

I would NEVER intentionally play with someone's feelings. That's messed up. I'm not talking about telling someone I love them and want to marry them just to get them in my bed here. My main concern is starting something, even if you don't start with a lot of romance but just go on a few dates or hook up or whatever, and ending up giving the other person the wrong idea about things. I honestly am scared of ending up doing that.

The way I'd start "dating" or "hooking up" or whatever people call it would probably be virtually no different than the way I'd try to develop things with someone I was genuinely serious about. I mean, flirt a bit, ask them out, hang out a few times. There's no difference here, and neither is there an alternative that's somehow more "casual". It's so easy to just say "Yo, it's your own business if you develop feelings", but can you honestly put all the blame on someone else if the beginning is exactly the same as a more serious relationship? I mean, if I WAS serious about the person, I sure as hell would feel pretty broken if things were going well and they suddenly put up a wall preventing things from going further.

To put it more simply, I kind of want to try and go down the more casual route, because I just can't see myself meeting someone I'd be genuinely happy with in the long term, but I'm not sure I can without turning into an *******, intentionally or not.
 
Ok, so you meet a girl. You want to try casually dating her. Can you be upfront about it?
 
A player is someone who has sex with lots of women, without attachments or any kind of feelings towards one another.

Someone who sees someone he likes, and approaches her in the interest of getting to know her and date her...even if this person does this to 10 girls in a month...is not a player. Normal people (or at least I suppose) date a dozen people before they enter into a relationship, because you have to get through the bad ones in order to get to the good one.
 
LeaningIntoTheMuse said:
A player is someone who has sex with lots of women, without attachments or any kind of feelings towards one another.

So to be a player you must be male ?
 
I've got coworkers that tell me that the way to meet women is to be a player or to "catfish" for one.
They say I have to stop being so nice to women if I want to find someone.

I point out that at my age, it's too late no matter what I try. ha ha ha!
 
blackdot said:
I've got coworkers that tell me that the way to meet women is to be a player or to "catfish" for one.
They say I have to stop being so nice to women if I want to find someone.

I point out that at my age, it's too late no matter what I try. ha ha ha!

There is more to life than women and relationships !
 
Triple Bogey said:
blackdot said:
I've got coworkers that tell me that the way to meet women is to be a player or to "catfish" for one.
They say I have to stop being so nice to women if I want to find someone.

I point out that at my age, it's too late no matter what I try. ha ha ha!

There is more to life than women and relationships !

not really unless you include twiddling your thumbs high up on your list of things to do *laughs*
 
blackdot said:
I've got coworkers that tell me that the way to meet women is to be a player or to "catfish" for one.
They say I have to stop being so nice to women if I want to find someone.

I point out that at my age, it's too late no matter what I try. ha ha ha!

I believe because you know the term "catfish" your not that old
 

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