Never had a relationship/boyfriend

As the title of the thread says, I haven't been an a relationship or even had a boyfriend. I was bought up as a Muslim from a South Asian family. They were/are very traditional and somewhat religious.
Until the age of 22 I wasn't really interested in guys, one of the reason being is being told I'm not allowed to have any sort of relation with the opposite sex. So, I didn't bother. Was always told about marriage and how we are supposed to live our life to get married, have kids, bring them up with Islamic and South Asian values.

After I had left university I didn't feel the need to have a boyfriend, but my friends (never had many friends) etc had boyfriends etc, so I started to feel left out. I never really looked to have a boyfriend for the first 3-4 years after university.
I started to feel lonely and realised maybe it's because I didn't have anyone in my life to share it with. Well, even before that I've always felt lonely.

I'm pretty much a shy person and socially awkward, so I decided to use online dating. I've used a few online dating sites for the past few years on and off, due to mental health issues. I have been on some dates, but never have been more than the first date. I have a bit of baggage (live at home, suffer from a mental illness etc) maybe that's why or maybe they weren't attracted to me (have shaved head etc), or even have anything in common.
I don't really receive messages and most of the messages I get are after one thing and I also sometimes send messages, where I never get replies. So I guess, I know how men feel.
I've also tried meetup.com too, but as I've mentioned I'm socially awkward. I'm actually afraid to do speed dating and things like that.

I'm kind of loosing hope and feel that I'll be alone for the rest of my life, but another option is accepting a marriage proposal, that my parents get here and there, which I really don't want to. As I don't want to be with someone who is the same ethnicity and someone who I don't know and no feelings for.

Sorry for the long post.

PS there's part of my story that I felt uncomfortable mentioning here in public, so I left it out.

If you have any questions, do not hesitate to ask.

(Sorry for the grammar and spelling mistakes)

I know it's the culture and how you're raised and expected to be, but don't do anything you're uncomfortable doing. Personally, I'd rather be alone than to be in something I really don't want. Because that's not exactly the best way to be either, to be with someone you have no connection with whatsoever. Is there anyone you're interested in? I believe in the notion that there's someone for everyone. You seem nice, and trust me, there's people out there who probably don't deserve anyone, but do. So don't think you're the worst ever. You're definitely not. I just think you have to come across that one person that likes you for you and simply enjoys your company.

Muslim parents seem to suck that way from what I have learned from a few different members here. I you dont wanna get married then nope don't do it. All you can do is keep trying dood. Good luck!

Obviously you don't want anything to do with men of your own ethnicity because of the cultural norms around women's status in relationships/marriage (quite understandable).

You could agree meet the person I guess, as long as there's no pressure that is.

Religion/culture is what it is, but if you have the desire now to want to share your life then by all means go for it. I suggest continue with the online dating as you mentioned - you've been on dates using it so it's just a matter of time till there's compatibility. Alternatively, I don't how it works - but perhaps you can try out recommendations from parents in a non-committal way to get to know the person better first. Why not from same ethnicity may I ask?

jasedude2002 said:

Religion/culture is what it is, but if you have the desire now to want to share your life then by all means go for it. I suggest continue with the online dating as you mentioned - you've been on dates using it so it's just a matter of time till there's compatibility. Alternatively, I don't how it works - but perhaps you can try out recommendations from parents in a non-committal way to get to know the person better first. Why not from same ethnicity may I ask?

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Yeah, I'm just going to carry on with the online dating. I guess, I'll eventually find someone.

The reason not wanting to be with someone of the same ethnicity is that they usually have double standards. Not only that I don't find them attractive.

Judging by you photo, you are a pretty looking girl and you seem very articulate so you shouldn't have problem dating! At your age what you want from a partner can change so much so quickly, until you find yourself so just try and bit of everything even if it isn't what your after...variety is the spice of life afterall!

I've always had a problem dating. Can't get out of the vicious circle of first dates. I'm being open minded and not just going on looks.

Nice But Dim Jim said:

Judging by you photo, you are a pretty looking girl and you seem very articulate so you shouldn't have problem dating! At your age what you want from a partner can change so much so quickly, until you find yourself so just try and bit of everything even if it isn't what your after...variety is the spice of life afterall!

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Dating sucks in general, I'm not a big lover of it myself! I've done everything from Mini Golf to Muesem visits to just walking the town and it always feels unnatural. I like the part when you are comfortable enough to just crash out on the sofa, watch a movie and not feel the need to fill the silent gaps with mindless chat!

What do you think your problem is with dating?

I think it's he baggage. I can't think if anything else that would put them off.

Nice But Dim Jim said:

Dating sucks in general, I'm not a big lover of it myself! I've done everything from Mini Golf to Muesem visits to just walking the town and it always feels unnatural. I like the part when you are comfortable enough to just crash out on the sofa, watch a movie and not feel the need to fill the silent gaps with mindless chat!

What do you think your problem is with dating?

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kuro said:

I think it's he baggage. I can't think if anything else that would put them off.

Nice But Dim Jim said:

Dating sucks in general, I'm not a big lover of it myself! I've done everything from Mini Golf to Muesem visits to just walking the town and it always feels unnatural. I like the part when you are comfortable enough to just crash out on the sofa, watch a movie and not feel the need to fill the silent gaps with mindless chat!

What do you think your problem is with dating?

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I think dating is more about what you get out of it rather than what you do. Going out for a meal would typically be a "date" but if you don't use it to strengthen the friendship/relationship or to get to know someone new, then it's just a meal.

Crashing on the sofa and watch a movie in silence is not what you would do with someone you don't know, unless the only thing you care about is body language.

Kuro, what puts you off when you go on dates? Or, what puts you off before you even go on dates? Do you pass people up that have baggage too? Or do you find every single one of them attractive enough? I'm pretty sure the real issue isn't the baggage part.

The thing about baggage is remembering that everyone has it...sometimes it takes a while to realise it.

Well i can say the problem its from your parents and its bad .They want to control you ,you see they teach you from childhood that yuo dont must make a boyfriend ,and thas way you have a boyfriend .My advice its to make courahe and make your own life not to live how parents want .You must be with someone who you love .Also i please to stop sugesting to you that you will end lonely ,because if you think this way you will atract this in your life

Regumika said:

kuro said:

I think it's he baggage. I can't think if anything else that would put them off.

Nice But Dim Jim said:

Dating sucks in general, I'm not a big lover of it myself! I've done everything from Mini Golf to Muesem visits to just walking the town and it always feels unnatural. I like the part when you are comfortable enough to just crash out on the sofa, watch a movie and not feel the need to fill the silent gaps with mindless chat!

What do you think your problem is with dating?

Click to expand...

Click to expand...

I think dating is more about what you get out of it rather than what you do. Going out for a meal would typically be a "date" but if you don't use it to strengthen the friendship/relationship or to get to know someone new, then it's just a meal.

Crashing on the sofa and watch a movie in silence is not what you would do with someone you don't know, unless the only thing you care about is body language.

Kuro, what puts you off when you go on dates? Or, what puts you off before you even go on dates? Do you pass people up that have baggage too? Or do you find every single one of them attractive enough? I'm pretty sure the real issue isn't the baggage part.

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Most of the dates I have been on have been great. I don't pass people who have baggage too, most of the time I'm actually unaware of it, even if they have baggage. Yes, I find them attractive enough.

I actually went on a date yesterday and we had been chatting for about two weeks. Though I don't find him physically attractive, I'm attracted to his personality.

My parents are doing what they were taught and I don't really blame them. There are things that I'm able to do, bug in secret.

handheart said:

Well i can say the problem its from your parents and its bad .They want to control you ,you see they teach you from childhood that yuo dont must make a boyfriend ,and thas way you have a boyfriend .My advice its to make courahe and make your own life not to live how parents want .You must be with someone who you love .Also i please to stop sugesting to you that you will end lonely ,because if you think this way you will atract this in your life

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I've started a thread before on arranged marriages, cos my mother and aunts wanted to arrange a marriage for me just cos everyone else of my cousins have gotten married and I'm like the next one in line. I'm 27 and most of my friends or people I know around my age has been married or married with children. I used to feel like I'm falling behind while everyone is progressing, but then I kept telling myself the same thing you said in your original post, I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone of the same culture, as well as someone I know nothing of and someone I am not in love with. So I feel you there.

Best of luck with this guy you've been chatting with. Hope things turn out good for you this time.

Good luck, kuro.

Just remember to listen to your "gut" more than your heart.

I speak from experience - do not stay in any relationship just to fill a void of emptiness / loneliness, or to just be in a relationship. It won't work.

I stayed with someone for nearly 3 years. Even though we had a lot of intellectual similarities and mutual interests, physical attraction was very low, for me, and for her - she always used to pepper arguments with "You're not the type of guy that I usually go for"...etc.). I thought I could overlook the "entire package", time proved us wrong. I did not listen to my gut at the start. We both realized in the end we were just trying to fill that void we both felt with each other.