Should people with depression not be in relationships?

Is it fair for the other person? I mean if you can't be happy yourself how can you expect to make another person happy...?

I suppose that would depend on the level of depression, how long it lasts, what you are doing to fix the problem and how much strain it's putting on the relationship.
Everyone gets depressed at some point in their lives, so no one would have a relationship if that was the case. As long as you're trying and doing everything you can to get yourself better, I don't see why you couldn't be in a relationship. On the other hand, if you just stay home all the time being Debbie Downer and don't try to be a part of the relationship for long periods of time, then it's probably better to left the other person off he hook if they want to be off the hook. But, even then, there's a fine line between doing it for them and doing it because of how you are feeling.
So yeah, there's no clear answer there, it would depend on each individual situation.

I really hate this mentality in general. The notion that you must be perfectly happy with yourself to be in a relationship.

Here's what I'm gonna say- the depression itself is rarely the issue, it's how you deal with it, and more specifically, how you expect your partner to deal with it. If you expect your partner to solve all your issues, if you get mad at them when they don't know the right thing to say or do, then that will grow into a problem. However, if you discuss your issues with them calmly, or just focus on the positive in your relationship to help you cope, then it shouldn't be a major issues, unless your partner is an *******. I've never dated anyone with severe depression, but with my friendships, it's pretty clear that this is where the issue is from. I've posted about this around the forum before, so I'll try and be brief and not turn into the guy who preaches the same thing on every thread:
There's a huge difference between: "Everything is messed up, help me, why does no one care about me" and "Hey, I'm feeling a bit down, can I talk to you about it?"

I think that depends on if either person could handle it. It can really help to have someone to talk to and to open up to. So, it might be beneficial to be in one. On the flip side, if one or both parties can't deal, then it might make things worse.

If you're perfectly happy with yourself then I think chances are you aren't striving hard enough in life. I do also agree with Nilla.

So does this line of thought mean that if one partner becomes depressed DURING a relationship, they should break up? (If one agrees that depressed folks shouldn't be in relationships, that is.)

I am not saying that they must not, but if a person with depression would ask me for advice, I would say, she/he should not. Because if the relationship is not permanent, it will cause the following:

First, you will feel that your depression is getting cured, you are healing. If this thing keeps happening forever, fine, great.
Butvif it ends, the upcoming depression is worse.

Imagine a confident and happy guy has break up or divorce and a guy with depression has the same. Being on the depression side, it took me four years to get over the girl, whom I liked/loved secretly and never talked in the 2 years we were in the same class. While there are guys who get new girlfriends in just a few days after breakups.

Reason? Because depressed people feel unlovable, even when in relationships, and after. So, for their well being, they should not.

What I started thinking is how complicated things go when on top of depression you also have anxiety disorder and/or personality disorders, bipolar, schizophrenia or the like, which are more persistent in nature than a depression and can also feed depression. It sounds little unfair they should spend their life alone just because their issues cannot be "fixed" magically, though I understand that it's also a huge thing to deal with for the partner.

I think it's up to any individual what makes them happy. There's more to a relationship than sunshine and rainbows shining out someone's ass. The problem is just that a lot of people look to relationships as something to fill a void already instead of learning how to handle their problems, develop self-esteem, or care for themselves, and with depression it's an even bigger problem.

It depends on if the person is willing to be upfront with the person they are dating. If they want to hide the depression and think it will never be an issue, then that's a huge problem.

The only person I ever "dated" (one again I use that term very loosely) was extremely bi-polar. I didn't know until the day she pushed me away because she felt I deserved someone that could be normal. If she had discussed it with me over the 2 years we occasionally saw each other, I would have known why she was always withdrawn and known better about how to handle things and maybe not have had her push me away.

It depends on the situation (the severity of depression) and the relationship between the two people, as always in everything life but I wouldn't say it's impossible, wrong or can't maintain a healthy relationship despite the partner's depression. The person with depression can't assume their partner to be their personal therapist, they have to get professional help in some form or another and try their best to take care of themselves so they won't exhaust the relationship. Depression is also partly about self-compassion and love for yourself and if you can't love yourself, how can you feel love for others aka towards your loved one? It's still not impossible to maintain a healthy relationship even with issues like that but it needs huge amount of work from the both, trust and communication. Firstly, both parties need to agree with that, that there has to be proper communication, even more so if one side is depressed. Like talk, listen and support like you would normally do in any kind of relationship or friendship. Secondly, the supportive side of the relationship shouldn't take their partner's mental illness personally, it's just an illness like a broken leg but will heal over time and in any relationship there are ups and downs etc.

There is naturally a difference do depressed people deserve to be loved and should they be seeing other people romantically. Nobody should feel stigmatized by their mental health issue, but the later thing becomes little bit more tricky and boils down to individual level if they can date or not.

I was diagnosed about 6 months ago with major depression and I can’t imagine seeing someone. I’m too occupied just trying to function and the constant thoughts of worthlessness don’t exactly help in terms of romancing. I wouldn’t be able to be the real me in a relationship in this condition. When I look some years back when I was better in terms of depression then I wouldn’t have seen a problem per se, but it would have brought additional challenges.

I believe that there is a middle ground somewhere. Obviously, lots of people in relationships get depressed. And lots of people start relationships when they are depressed.

I admit that in the past, I didn't communicate well with partners. I didn't see them as being on my side. I actually saw them as the reason I was hurting. That is where it gets dangerous. I have a rule that if I feel like harming myself over someone, that it is time for me to walk away. And I have stuck to that for the most part. I have also been the person on the other end, who feels guilty for not being powerful enough to lift someone else's spirits.

I know that I am not relationship material when I at my low points. I would rather carry my own weight, than pull someone else down with me.

Yes. Do you tell someone struggling with cancer that they don't deserve to be in a relationship? Just like cancer, depression is never cured. You get remission, you get relapses. It'll take someone special and strong to be with someone who struggles. Even if you marry someone completely "normal" and "healthy" who's to say that will always be the case?

If a depressed person decides they don't want to be in a relationship with anyone, that is a personal choice. I hope it is a rational one that they are making when they are doing relatively well. But if they are making that decision out of the belief that they are hopeless and undeserving of love that is a symptom of depression and only causes more isolation and more depression.

If I am depressed are you going to tell me I shouldn't be in a relationship, even if it's something I truly want? I really think that's between me and potential significant others.

^^^Agreed. No one should really pass such judgement - it should only apply to your own personal life.

Speaking for myself, I dated a depressed girl, she made it quite clear that she suffered from bouts of it, as do I. We ended things after awhile, not because of the depression, but for other reasons.

Would i date someone who suffered from depression? I'd give her a chance, provided the chemistry were apparent between the two of us.

I won't date someone who suffers from BPD or is bi-polar because I've gone through two intense relationships that ultimately & painfully failed; both girls were diagnosed with either or both disorders. I did not know of this at the outset.

I think the OP question should be restated. As the example given with Cancer.. it's ridiculous to think people with problems shouldn't be in relationships. We have also heard "you should learn to be happy with yourself first." While true, it's a little bit over optimistic.

I think the proper phrase is "you should come to terms with who you are before seeking a relationship." So yes, before you come to terms with your [depression] (or whatever it is), don't be in a relationship. Coming to terms means that you accept the flaws and weaknesses that you have and are fully committed to live with it (including solutions - like communication). You concluded that you don't [need] anyone to help you solve your [problems]. Dishes will still break, pipes will leak, incidences will occur but now you know how to clean it up properly. That is when I think is the [proper] time to have a relationship with depression.

I think not .In my case if i love a girl i will acept it in my life with depresion and i will try to help her .So this depends on the persons

ABrokenMan said:

I won't date someone who suffers from BPD or is bi-polar because I've gone through two intense relationships that ultimately & painfully failed; both girls were diagnosed with either or both disorders. I did not know of this at the outset.

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I know some people who would freak out and crucify anyone with a thought like this, but I'd be hesitant about it too.

I have BPD, and I'd hate for someone to be dismissive of me simply because of that, but I have it pretty under control.

But everyone else I've met with a mental illness or something like that... very much let it get the better of them. And maybe that's not "their fault" but I don't think it's wrong of me to not want them being a millstone for me when I have my own problems I'm struggling with.

And it often came along with them expecting me to be stronger while feeling they didn't have to be, which bothered me, because knowing I have these mental conditions drives me to overcome them so people will accept me, and they either expect to not have to do anything...

I think that as long as you're honest about your illness, then it's entirely up to the other person to decide whether they are willing to give it a try. I was brutally honest with my ex-wife about my depression and how it might impact upon her life, then she was able to make a decision, because she knew exactly what starting a relationship with me would entail.