Competing For Who Is More Lonely?

I recently told my sister how dreadfully lonely I felt. Instead of the comfort I wanted, my sister one-upped me by confessing that she had no friends except for her husband. I told her I had friends who never responded to my offers to do things. She said, "At least you have friends," to which I replied, "At least you have a spouse."

She was actually competing with me for the title of who was more lonely. I told her that the number of friends does not dictate the level of loneliness. I said that the most popular celebrity in the world can feel lonely despite being loved by her millions of fans and having hundreds of "friends." My sister was not fazed. She still maintained that, "At least she has friends." (Insert emo expression here.)

So I ask you: Have you ever had to justify your loneliness to anyone? I've never felt like I had to justify my loneliness to someone or even argue that I was lonely at all. It felt like my sister was dismissive of my own experience and only wanted to express her own.

Thoughts?

Case said:

Have you ever had to justify your loneliness to anyone?

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No, because I know I would get ridiculed. People just don't take seriously others who are feeling sad, then they wonder why a family member committed suicide in the first place.

This extremely annoys me. It happens I'd say at least 50% of the time, if not more when you talk to someone about your loneliness.

The way I see it has always been this- you can't compare your problems to others. Someone with a crap disadvantaged life can be happier than you because they have the right support. Someone with a lot of friends might be unhappier than you, because they don't truly feel any connection to the friends they have. There's just way too many variables in human happiness and especially the feeling of loneliness to accurately compare one's situation to another's, unless we're talking extremes here.

I had a friend, a malignant narcissist, who used to do this to me. I would tell her how alone or unhappy I felt and all I would get was 'Oh, you think that's bad, I'm...' Eventually I stopped telling her anything of consequence about me or my life before I cut her out completely. She wasn't worth the upset she caused or the time she consumed.

I don't know if your sister is like my friend, I hope for your own emotional and mental wellbeing that she's not, but she may never be willing or able to acknowledge that you're in pain. I'm sorry that she's so dismissive of you, I know how hurtful it is.

Your sister is a pain in the ass.

Some folks don't move beyond the childish need to compete against their siblings. Don't internalize her emotional cannibalization of you.

I have had people who kind of expected me to justify it, but I never have. It's not a competition. We each have our own experiences and whether you have friends or a husband or kids or a harem, that doesn't mean one person has it worse than the other.
Loneliness doesn't need justification, just understanding. She understands loneliness, so just try to keep it there and not let it get to who has it worse. You're in the same boat, ya know?

I have been put into a position of defending my feelings of loneliness. It really doesn't feel nice, especially when the person putting you there isn't really trying to be understanding of your position.

Are you close with your sister? Is there potential for you two to be a support for each other?

There was one instance where I probably could've participated in a loneliness competition, but I was too shocked by the other person's simplistic viewpoint to even try crafting a response. And really, there are better things to do than to get in a competition about loneliness. Otherwise the topic only comes up if I *really* know and trust someone. Even when they didn't know what to say, at least they never tried to claim I wasn't really lonely.

I love a good game of "one-up"!

Just dont put some much energy on loneliness because you will attract more in your life .Ghange thoughts and start thinking and imagine that you are popular and you have a lot of friends etc .Its very important to do this process when before you sleep and imediatly after you wake up and may times throught the day .Because you will influence your subconstient mind

I think loneliness can sometimes make people behave insensitively because it can get so overwhelming that you lose your ability to empathise with others. It becomes difficult to be objective, your defences go up and it can feel like you're suffering the most.

So perhaps your sister didnt meant to be unsupportive but was caught up in her own feelings of loneliness. That doesn't justify her actions of course but maybe you can try telling her next time that its not a competition. It doesnt make anyone feel better to be more lonely than the other least of all between siblings.

That said, there's no guarantee that she'll realize her mistake and change, but at least its a worth a try. Who knows you two might bond deeper knowing that the other is going through the same thing.

Case said:

Competing For Who Is More Lonely?

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Welp, it looks like I lost then!

I think that sometimes, when someone is brave enough to express their feelings - especially around lonliness - it can hit home and touch a cord within the person they are talking to. Someone who maybe wishes they were more like you or as brave as you are. I have a spouse....I am never alone but always lonely. I wish I had friends - one true friend outside of my marriage. I know someone who is social...but very lonely and wishes they had a partner. I agree with TheReallCallie...you are in the same boat. Just looking at each other from your own life rafts.

I'm sorry that you didn't get the support that you were searching for. I congratulate you for taking the risk and trying to talk to someone about it. Don't stop trying to share your feelings. Just a thought, sometimes we have to model empathy in order to receive it....not always easy to do. Perhaps, if you are close to your sister, you could try modelling that support and see if it is returned? Or point out at the end of the conversation...this is what I needed to hear when I shared with you. Just suggestions. BUT...please don't get me wrong, I feel your sting. As a lonely person I often feel misunderstood, and that I should be "grateful" for what I have. And in some ways I am grateful - I strive to find the positive in every day, even the tough ones that I can only laugh or cry at....but it doesn't change how profoundly lonely I am most every day. And how people "think" I should feel about my life is why I keep it inside.