Found a penpal but screwed up

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Hawx79

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I found a real nice penpal 2 weeks ago online, a woman my age (36), in another country, and we both knew how we looked like by pictures. We had a lot in common, she was very lonely in her life just as me and we would chat in whatsapp daily from morning to night. Even when outside during work and shopping. I would wake up with a smile everyday.
But I got a bit needy and tried to dominate her the last few days, and I screwed it all up now. Can I blame myself for just wanting something more meaningful?
She told me not to rush her, but I already had lost her respect by then.
These last few days I would message her and she always had to excuse herself by doing something else immediately soon after. It was clear she didn't want to know me anymore.
I felt heartbroken and said goodbye for good and deleted all ways of contacts with her.
I really miss chatting with her, I feel like crying and feel extremely lonely now :(
 
I don't think you should blame yourself for wanting something more meaningful, but at the same time, if someone doesn't want to give that to you, you can't just take it from them. Things like that have to be mutual. Meaningful should most certainly be mutual. Or else what's the point... Why did you try to dominate her and her time? I can't blame her for pulling back either. I would have definitely done the same to someone who demanded more of my time and myself when I wasn't willing to give that to them.
 
Most women don't like to be "dominated" when they are just looking for a friend.

You said she warned you not to push her and you decided to anyway. Two weeks is not that long, closeness takes time and understanding and respect.
 
VanillaCreme said:
I don't think you should blame yourself for wanting something more meaningful, but at the same time, if someone doesn't want to give that to you, you can't just take it from them. Things like that have to be mutual. Meaningful should most certainly be mutual. Or else what's the point... Why did you try to dominate her and her time? I can't blame her for pulling back either. I would have definitely done the same to someone who demanded more of my time and myself when I wasn't willing to give that to them.

I know as a general rule to never try to dominate women, but I acted out of desperation and from my instinct to have a deep relationship quickly, originated from my years of loneliness and craving for a partner in life. It was just so strong in me that I pushed aside all the rules of attraction.
 
You have to control yourself. I know you don't need me telling you that. But the loneliness and desperation can't be the reason why for everything. A deep, steady relationship needs time. And I agree with Jen, it also needs understanding and respect. This lady might talk with you again, but you have to show on your end that you're able to contain yourself, no matter what you've gone through before.
 
VanillaCreme said:
You have to control yourself. I know you don't need me telling you that. But the loneliness and desperation can't be the reason why for everything. A deep, steady relationship needs time. And I agree with Jen, it also needs understanding and respect. This lady might talk with you again, but you have to show on your end that you're able to contain yourself, no matter what you've gone through before.

But I removed her as friend on facebook and said farewell. Wouldn't it be a sign of weakness if I tried to contact her again? Meaning she won't have respect for me anymore as I will lose face value then.
Also I have this feeling she hates me too. And will treat me the same as she did the last few days we communicated.
 
I don't think that's a sign of weakness. I think that point has already come and gone in the relationship (friendship) between the two of you. I think if you contacted her, perhaps down the line as she most likely doesn't want to deal with it right now, to maybe apologize or offer an extended hand in an unforced friendship, I think that would be nice. If she actually has lost any respect for you, she lost it when she felt as though you were pushing yourself to be more to her than you really were at that given time. There may be a possibility that she forgives and wouldn't mind having another friendship. It happens; Some people just consider it water under the bridge. But at the same time, the chance that she just doesn't want anything at all anymore is real as well.

I say go with your instinct. If something is telling you to leave her alone, then perhaps you should listen to it.
 
To be honest I think you would be better off just leaving it. A lot of these online/penpal type relationships tend to go nowhere in the long run and take up time that could be used to get friends in real life or do something else productive.
 
Paraiyar said:
To be honest I think you would be better off just leaving it. A lot of these online/penpal type relationships tend to go nowhere in the long run and take up time that could be used to get friends in real life or do something else productive.

Its true about productivity, she would sent me messages early in the morning when I was still in bed, during the day when I was busy and late at nights. But it made me happy as well but I had trouble putting my priorities straight because of it.

Perhaps others can help me to give me some insight in her since my judgment could still be blurred by feelings.
During our chats, once she said she wanted to have her own family but that she would be always alone and never find a man because its her fate! I criticized her on that and had a discussion about it and said everyone makes there own fate etc. She suddenly got went unusually silent for 20 minutes and didn't want to discuss it anymore!
We agreed about meeting each other at one point but she told me that she may not like me in person. What is the reason for saying something so cold so soon already, while she mentioned several times that she did like me and enjoyed our communication? She told me about all her problems with her job, family and other things. Now I don't mind giving supporting words and advice, but she was dragging me down with her, I felt like crap when trying to sleep as I couldn't do anything to help.
And she never mentioned my name once! I have to mention though she had been living alone for many years since her teenage years as she studied at the academy and never dated even once. She blames the years of study for the reason she is still single.
My take is she wasn't romantically interested in me, but just needed someone she could trust to communicate with. Or she just wants to take it really really slow.
Why do I always seem to get involved in such circumstances, why can't I just find someone in a normal way, I feel like a doormat being used.
I want to contact her but I'm afraid she will just treat me with contempt again.
 
Do you really blame her for being quiet when you criticized her? If I was telling someone about how I felt with something, and they took to berating me over it, I'd shut my mouth too. She's allowed to think her own way, whether it sounds lopsided or not.

Why is it that you wish to contact her again? To apologize for how wayward it went? Or to see if she'll continue a friendship with you?
 
Today we communicated again. She likes to chat with me but I know now she definitely is not romantically interested in me. She doesn't even want to meet me anymore but only chat...She has many problems and keeps bringing it up every now and then. And I try to help her, and she makes me miserable as well.
 
If someone makes you miserable, then you know perhaps you shouldn't put up with that. You certainly don't have to, but I can understand how you'd look over that for a friendship.
 
Hawx79 said:
Today we communicated again. She likes to chat with me but I know now she definitely is not romantically interested in me. She doesn't even want to meet me anymore but only chat...She has many problems and keeps bringing it up every now and then. And I try to help her, and she makes me miserable as well.

I know it sucks being alone. I am too, but I don't think this is healthy, if she only makes you feel worse and doesn't really want to be involved anymore :(
 
Hawx79 said:
Today we communicated again. She likes to chat with me but I know now she definitely is not romantically interested in me. She doesn't even want to meet me anymore but only chat...She has many problems and keeps bringing it up every now and then. And I try to help her, and she makes me miserable as well.

There's a good chance you are excessively reading into--- and over analyzing--- the discussions you've been having with her. I know when you are lonely, its easy to concentrate and parse not only every word that a person has spoken, but also to parse every word that YOU'VE spoken. "When I used that word, did they think I meant this instead? When I said this thing, did they think I meant that?"

If you do meet someone who is interested in you, your relationship with them won't be so frail that one misinterpreted or misplaced line is going to torpedo the entire relationship. I don't mean to sound cruel, but she probably either isn't emotionally ready for what you have to offer or you never meant anything romantically to her to begin with, and now that she thinks you are, she wants to back off. And that isn't your fault. Most people don't "click" with most other people. That's why its sometimes hard to find "a right person."
 
Today she messaged me again while she's at work. She is talking about her problems with her mother and that she wants a husband and baby, but that she can't find her second half in life, and that the good men are already married.
Yesterday she also messaged me first on my phone and was telling me that she would probably die young in her 50's, because of stress and other problems... She talks to me as if I'm her brother or something.
I have been giving supportive words but this is starting to feel like a heavy chain on my leg...
 
Sometimes, you have to draw a line in the sand.
Tell her what you'd like out of your relationship.
For instance: "Can we meet soon, in person"?
You truly need to meet her in person before allowing yourself to have any inclination of a potential more than casual friendship with this woman.
If she denies or avoids the answer, then you take control. Tell her in relaxed but firm words that you are not going to be her emotional sponge and support system. That's for a boyfriend or significant other to deal with.
I'd dismiss her, immediately. She sounds like she is unwilling to change or take a risk and finds comfort in whining about her misery that she perpetuates by her inertia.
 
ABrokenMan said:
She sounds like she is unwilling to change or take a risk and finds comfort in whining about her misery that she perpetuates by her inertia.

I have to agree. I don't mind talking to anybody really, but when people start to sound like a broken record, it gets tiring.
 

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