The magic circle of depression and loneliness

As someone who suffered from life-long depression, crippling social anxiety and extreme loneliness through his life, many times I find it really hard to relate and connect with other people. I feel as if all these years of isolation and emotional pain, in themselves, contributed further to my loneliness and depression.

I'm starting to doubt I'll ever have a deep connection with someone who truly understands me. As it seems, it's very unlikely for me to ever find someone that I can truly relate to, as most people didn't spend most of their lives feeling depressed, socially anxious and isolated themselves in their room. I've been through so much pain in this life, and it hurts even more realizing that I'll probably live alone with it for the rest of my life.

It gets to the point where even relationship with other people feel shallow, as if I'm not really a part of them. Because I'm trapped behind a thick glass in a different, cold and lonely world.

Making matters worse, I'm not a person who is comfortable being alone by any means. I'm craving for a deep connection with another person. Yet I can't do that, when I'm hurting so badly, and no one knows where my wounds are.

Is anyone here feeling the same way?

I can't say I've been in your exact position, but I know anxiety, depression and loneliness very well. I don't think it really matters whether another person has or has not experienced those things at the same level you have. It sounds like you are making it a competition. I know you aren't, but it seems like you don't think someone can understand and relate to you if they haven't gone through just as much as you have.

It's honestly on you to make yourself get out of the rut you seem to have been in for a very long time. Let go of the pain and start healing. (For anyone that wants to argue that sentence, I am NOT saying it's easy) Ultimately, it's your choice whether you stay down or decide to get up and do something to change it all.

That said, I'm sure there are many people here who would like to get to know you. You can also check out the chat room, if you're interested in a different setting of conversation.

TheRealCallie said:

I can't say I've been in your exact position, but I know anxiety, depression and loneliness very well. I don't think it really matters whether another person has or has not experienced those things at the same level you have. It sounds like you are making it a competition. I know you aren't, but it seems like you don't think someone can understand and relate to you if they haven't gone through just as much as you have.

It's honestly on you to make yourself get out of the rut you seem to have been in for a very long time. Let go of the pain and start healing. (For anyone that wants to argue that sentence, I am NOT saying it's easy) Ultimately, it's your choice whether you stay down or decide to get up and do something to change it all.

That said, I'm sure there are many people here who would like to get to know you. You can also check out the chat room, if you're interested in a different setting of conversation.

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To be honest, I do see importance in finding someone who have gone as much as I have. Maybe there's something wrong with me feeling this way, but it's just the way it is. Otherwise, in my eyes, it creates a gap between me and the person that I want to connect to. That is, even if they are capable of understanding the way I feel.

There is a difference between understanding and actually knowing what the other person have gone through. And as stupid as it may sound, my heart wouldn't want to accept anything else. Telling myself otherwise would be a lie. It would be me trying to sweep under the rug my true feelings, and I don't want that.

And it is easier said than done, letting go of the pain. Even if I could get rid of it right away, I wouldn't want to do it without having a true, right reason to it.

And what is right in my eyes, is being honest with myself and following what my heart truly wants. It just happened that what it wants is really unlikely to happen, which is why I'm feeling the way I do. I hope you can understand that.

RainOfColors said:

There is a difference between understanding and actually knowing what the other person have gone through. And as stupid as it may sound, my heart wouldn't want to accept anything else. Telling myself otherwise would be a lie. It would be me trying to sweep under the rug my true feelings, and I don't want that.

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Of course there's a difference, but what I'm saying is that people experience things in different ways, what might be traumatizing to you, my be a walk in the park for someone else. So who exactly decides what level of depression, anxiety and things that happened in the past are suitable? The answer would, of course, be you, but why do you get to decide who has been through enough to get inside the walls you've built? Who are you to judge what a person's been through?
I don't mean any offense with those questions, I'm merely trying to understand.

RainOfColors said:

And it is easier said than done, letting go of the pain. Even if I could get rid of it right away, I wouldn't want to do it without having a true, right reason to it.

And what is right in my eyes, is being honest with myself and following what my heart truly wants. It just happened that what it wants is really unlikely to happen, which is why I'm feeling the way I do. I hope you can understand that.

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Everything worth doing is easier said than done. It's hard work, I know firsthand because I've been through it and crawled out of the hole I was in.
A "true, right reason" would be making yourself better wouldn't it? To not hurt anymore...to not focus so much on the past and become a better person?
I don't know what you truly want, but can you honestly get it when you refuse to let go of whatever is holding you back?

Don't get me wrong, I definitely do understand what you are saying, because, as I said, I've been there, but there's always a way out, you just have to work extremely hard and truly want it.

TheRealCallie said:

Of course there's a difference, but what I'm saying is that people experience things in different ways, what might be traumatizing to you, my be a walk in the park for someone else. So who exactly decides what level of depression, anxiety and things that happened in the past are suitable? The answer would, of course, be you, but why do you get to decide who has been through enough to get inside the walls you've built? Who are you to judge what a person's been through?
I don't mean any offense with those questions, I'm merely trying to understand.

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I don't understand why would you treat it as a bad thing. Yes, it would be up to my choice. If I am feeling that I can relate to that person, if I am feeling that she/he can deeply understand my feelings and knows what I've been through, and if that feeling is mutual between the two of us, then what is wrong with that exactly?

I mean, eventually it is up to me to decide who I am letting inside my walls. And it's not like I'm the only one to decide what the other person has been through because relationship consists on two people, and there is communication between the two of us to confirm each other's thoughts and feelings. If we both feel that we have experienced the same level of depression and anxiety during our lives, then I would say that I found what I'm looking for.

TheRealCallie said:

Everything worth doing is easier said than done. It's hard work, I know firsthand because I've been through it and crawled out of the hole I was in.
A "true, right reason" would be making yourself better wouldn't it? To not hurt anymore...to not focus so much on the past and become a better person?
I don't know what you truly want, but can you honestly get it when you refuse to let go of whatever is holding you back?

Don't get me wrong, I definitely do understand what you are saying, because, as I said, I've been there, but there's always a way out, you just have to work extremely hard and truly want it.

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It's not the pain that is holding me back from reaching what I'm looking for. Getting better is not the point. I would like to, but I see importance in the ways, the reasons and methods I use to get there. And for me, it would be fulfilling the wish that I have.

And it's not something that can be acquired by hard work and desire alone, as much as I would have wanted to. It's reality itself that is holding me back from reaching it, and that's why it's so frustrating to me.

People who suffer from depression and social anxiety (accompanied by extreme sense of loneliness) are not exactly the most common people on earth, because by nature these are disorders. More than that, finding someone you can relate to is even more difficult than that. And to make matters worse, people of that kind aren't exactly putting themselves out there, so it's even harder to tell. There could also be some unforeseen reasons that may prevent that connection, and the list goes on and the on.

The point is, a person can only do so much. I'm not a mind reader, and I'll only come across so many people during my life. And if I did get better somehow and put myself out there to "increase my chances", then what it is that I'm looking for now? That pain is a part of me, and leaving it behind would require a very specific part to replace it.

I don't want a way out, I want to reach what I'm looking for the way that I chose to. Because that's what I see as the right thing to do, and the only way to be truly in peace with myself.

To be honest, I find it a bit hurtful that you are telling me that I just need to work hard and truly want it, as implying that it wasn't what I did my entire life. I want it more than anything else, and I did and still am doing everything I possibly can. So please, don't say that again.

Hopefully you can now understand what I meant in this post.

yes

You were only born in 1995 so I wouldn't give up on the chance of meeting someone you connect with just yet. What's your occupation at the moment? Maybe you just need to arrange your life so you're meeting more people in order to help with the loneliness?

I feel like you. I know i have good things to give: care, love, share life.... I cant belive There isnt someone out there that would like to recive that and want to give the same.

OP-I often feel the same way. I do go out to meet people, but often feel that when I am talking and laughing with them, that the real me, the person I am inside, is so alone and unhappy. I can identify with the thick glass you mentioned between you and the rest of the world. I hope that you can break the glass on here and be yourself.

RainOfColors said:

I don't understand why would you treat it as a bad thing. Yes, it would be up to my choice. If I am feeling that I can relate to that person, if I am feeling that she/he can deeply understand my feelings and knows what I've been through, and if that feeling is mutual between the two of us, then what is wrong with that exactly?

I mean, eventually it is up to me to decide who I am letting inside my walls. And it's not like I'm the only one to decide what the other person has been through because relationship consists on two people, and there is communication between the two of us to confirm each other's thoughts and feelings. If we both feel that we have experienced the same level of depression and anxiety during our lives, then I would say that I found what I'm looking for.

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I'm not saying it's necessarily a bad thing. I'm saying you're likely limiting yourself based on how you feel. Basing relationships on negativity.

RainOfColors said:

It's not the pain that is holding me back from reaching what I'm looking for. Getting better is not the point. I would like to, but I see importance in the ways, the reasons and methods I use to get there. And for me, it would be fulfilling the wish that I have.

And it's not something that can be acquired by hard work and desire alone, as much as I would have wanted to. It's reality itself that is holding me back from reaching it, and that's why it's so frustrating to me.

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Reality is holding you back? I'm not sure I understand what you mean by that. Reality is, more often than not, what you make it. Most people have their own reality that they life in refusing to believe any other way. A Flat Earther's reality is that the Earth is flat. An Atheist's reality is that there is no God. A racist's reality is that not all races are as good as the next. And any of the millions of other realities, if you get what I'm saying.

RainOfColors said:

The point is, a person can only do so much. I'm not a mind reader, and I'll only come across so many people during my life. And if I did get better somehow and put myself out there to "increase my chances", then what it is that I'm looking for now? That pain is a part of me, and leaving it behind would require a very specific part to replace it.

I don't want a way out, I want to reach what I'm looking for the way that I chose to. Because that's what I see as the right thing to do, and the only way to be truly in peace with myself.

To be honest, I find it a bit hurtful that you are telling me that I just need to work hard and truly want it, as implying that it wasn't what I did my entire life. I want it more than anything else, and I did and still am doing everything I possibly can. So please, don't say that again.

Hopefully you can now understand what I meant in this post.

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I've said all that to myself. Every single word of that, I've said it myself. I've been there, I understand exactly what you're saying. But, I can also look at it in hindsight now that I let go of my pain, now that I stopped living in my past, now that I stopped letting what happened to me dictate my life and how I feel.

It's not meant to be hurtful. Most people do want to get better and try. I tried for years believing that I honestly wanted to get better. But, I really didn't. I wasn't ready to let it all go, I was scared to let it all go. Yeah, I said I did and I did try, but it wasn't enough. I made excuses, I gave up, I cried and hated myself and resigned myself to my lonely, anxious, depressed existence. And then I really hit rock bottom and started to climb my way out.

So yeah, I know what you meant, I understand how you feel. I just know that's not the only way, I know that you don't have to remain that way. I just know how truly difficult it is to crawl out of the hole.

TheRealCallie said:

I'm not saying it's necessarily a bad thing. I'm saying you're likely limiting yourself based on how you feel. Basing relationships on negativity.

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It's not a bad thing. Even if it does result in limiting myself, I wouldn't like it to be otherwise. Because I believe there is nothing, even slightly negative about what I'm asking. What is so wrong with that? wanting to be understood? wanting to be able to relate to another person? what kind of messed up world that would be where people must give up on finding someone who can relate to their pain because it's limiting them?

I have every right and good reason looking after that particular someone.

TheRealCallie said:

Reality is holding you back? I'm not sure I understand what you mean by that. Reality is, more often than not, what you make it. Most people have their own reality that they life in refusing to believe any other way. A Flat Earther's reality is that the Earth is flat. An Atheist's reality is that there is no God. A racist's reality is that not all races are as good as the next. And any of the millions of other realities, if you get what I'm saying.

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I think you completely missed my point, because I don't see what a world view and subjective opinions have anything to do with what I said. No matter what your view is, reality consists on things that exist regardless of anyone's opinion.
If reality really is what you make of it, then do you also suggest that I could turn off gravity by simply believing that I can? Could I make a world peace with the power of my mind alone? Or maybe magically increase my chances of meeting a particular someone who is very hard to find?

That's absurd.

TheRealCallie said:

I've said all that to myself. Every single word of that, I've said it myself. I've been there, I understand exactly what you're saying. But, I can also look at it in hindsight now that I let go of my pain, now that I stopped living in my past, now that I stopped letting what happened to me dictate my life and how I feel.

It's not meant to be hurtful. Most people do want to get better and try. I tried for years believing that I honestly wanted to get better. But, I really didn't. I wasn't ready to let it all go, I was scared to let it all go. Yeah, I said I did and I did try, but it wasn't enough. I made excuses, I gave up, I cried and hated myself and resigned myself to my lonely, anxious, depressed existence. And then I really hit rock bottom and started to climb my way out.

So yeah, I know what you meant, I understand how you feel. I just know that's not the only way, I know that you don't have to remain that way. I just know how truly difficult it is to crawl out of the hole.

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I'm sorry, but you're applying your on experiences and solution on my situation. It's different. Maybe your answer was to try and want harder, maybe your answer was to let go of the pain and let go of the past. Okay, I get that it worked for you, but I'm a different person with a different case than yours.

To make it clear, I really do want to get better. I don't just think that I am, I am doing my best. I appreciate that you're trying to help me and point me in the direction you see as the right way, but unfortunately what was right for you is not necessarily right for me.

A part of the reason that I made this post, is to put my feelings out in hope there is someone out there who could read this and relate to what I''m feeling. But what was I thinking? this whole exchange of messages between you and me now just proves further the point that I made in this exact same post and how unlikely it is to actually find someone who could understand and relate to me...

Actually, no, because I CAN relate to you, because I've BEEN there. I've been through it and I know exactly how you feel. Because I'm not living in the past and in pain anymore that means I don't relate to you or understand? I'm sorry, but that's bullshit.

It's not different. How you accomplish it is different, sure, but the concept is the same for everyone. You can hang on and let it continue to eat away at you or you can begin the process of letting it go and living for yourself to the absolute best of your potential and get everything you deserve in life.

The choice is entirely on the individual, if you choose not to do it, that's fine and it's entirely on you, but I will continue to explain myself if people don't understand what I have said. Maybe you view me as a ***** for saying everything I said, but don't for a minute think I don't understand or relate to you, because I do.

TheRealCallie said:

Actually, no, because I CAN relate to you, because I've BEEN there. I've been through it and I know exactly how you feel. Because I'm not living in the past and in pain anymore that means I don't relate to you or understand? I'm sorry, but that's bullshit.

It's not different. How you accomplish it is different, sure, but the concept is the same for everyone. You can hang on and let it continue to eat away at you or you can begin the process of letting it go and living for yourself to the absolute best of your potential and get everything you deserve in life.

The choice is entirely on the individual, if you choose not to do it, that's fine and it's entirely on you, but I will continue to explain myself if people don't understand what I have said. Maybe you view me as a ***** for saying everything I said, but don't for a minute think I don't understand or relate to you, because I do.

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I don't think you are a mean person, I know you're only trying to help. But no, I don't think that you do understand me as you claim. We wouldn't have had this conversation if you did.

I feel like we are thinking on a completely different wavelengths. But surely there is nothing for you to try and understand about me, because you already have your answer. Because my feeling are bullshit, right? And you know better than me what would help me to get better?

In any case, my choice is to go in my own path, even it results in me dying lonely and depressed. Your solution concept which is supposedly the same for everyone isn't the right way for me.

well you must change the way of your thinking ,you see these habits are deep inside in you because you repeat it from long time ,you think loneliess for much time and feel also and this create negative paradigms in yoy .Its not easy but if you change this paradigms you will change your life .To change paradigm search on yt abot Bob Proctor videos

RainOfColors said:

I don't think you are a mean person, I know you're only trying to help. But no, I don't think that you do understand me as you claim. We wouldn't have had this conversation if you did.

I feel like we are thinking on a completely different wavelengths. But surely there is nothing for you to try and understand about me, because you already have your answer. Because my feeling are bullshit, right? And you know better than me what would help me to get better?

In any case, my choice is to go in my own path, even it results in me dying lonely and depressed. Your solution concept which is supposedly the same for everyone isn't the right way for me.

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I never said our way of thinking and feeling is bullshit. It's not in any way bullshit. It's how you feel, but it's rooted in negativity. I'm merely trying to tell you that there is a way out, if you want it. If you don't go for it, that's on you, as it's 100% your choice.
I'm not telling you your way of living is wrong, just that it doesn't have to be that way, that it can change.
I know firsthand how you are feeling and what it does and how you are thinking right now, because I've had those exact thoughts. So yeah, I do understand, whether you believe that or not.

If it seems like I'm pushing this on you, I'm honestly not trying to do that, I'm just trying to explain what I meant, because I feel like it as misinterpreted.

TheRealCallie said:

RainOfColors said:

I don't think you are a mean person, I know you're only trying to help. But no, I don't think that you do understand me as you claim. We wouldn't have had this conversation if you did.

I feel like we are thinking on a completely different wavelengths. But surely there is nothing for you to try and understand about me, because you already have your answer. Because my feeling are bullshit, right? And you know better than me what would help me to get better?

In any case, my choice is to go in my own path, even it results in me dying lonely and depressed. Your solution concept which is supposedly the same for everyone isn't the right way for me.

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I never said our way of thinking and feeling is bullshit. It's not in any way bullshit. It's how you feel, but it's rooted in negativity. I'm merely trying to tell you that there is a way out, if you want it. If you don't go for it, that's on you, as it's 100% your choice.
I'm not telling you your way of living is wrong, just that it doesn't have to be that way, that it can change.
I know firsthand how you are feeling and what it does and how you are thinking right now, because I've had those exact thoughts. So yeah, I do understand, whether you believe that or not.

If it seems like I'm pushing this on you, I'm honestly not trying to do that, I'm just trying to explain what I meant, because I feel like it as misinterpreted.

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Then I choose to keep that way of living, despite the risks that come with it. I know you're not trying to push this on me, I'm sorry for being such a hard nut to crack. It's just important to me, to do it that way.

Probably, you will never have a deep connection with someone because you don't want it.

M_also_lonely said:

Probably, you will never have a deep connection with someone because you don't want it.

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Where exactly did I mention that I don't want a deep connection with another person? If I didn't, I wouldn't have made this post in the first place.
Have you misread my comments? Or do you just enjoy being rude to online strangers?

RainOfColors said:

M_also_lonely said:

Probably, you will never have a deep connection with someone because you don't want it.

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Where exactly did I mention that I don't want a deep connection with another person? If I didn't, I wouldn't have made this post in the first place.
Have you misread my comments? Or do you just enjoy being rude to online strangers?

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Itr seems you have to agree with everyone to connect with them. Idk, is mostly "my way or the highway" lately.

Xpendable said:

RainOfColors said:

M_also_lonely said:

Probably, you will never have a deep connection with someone because you don't want it.

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Where exactly did I mention that I don't want a deep connection with another person? If I didn't, I wouldn't have made this post in the first place.
Have you misread my comments? Or do you just enjoy being rude to online strangers?

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Itr seems you have to agree with everyone to connect with them. Idk, is mostly "my way or the highway" lately.

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I'm sorry, but I don't understand what you're trying to say. Could you put it again?