Almajo88
Member
I have diagnosed Aspergers. Outwardly I don't show any symptoms of autism to people and so they assume that I'm just quiet; in truth I don't have any friends and have to fake even feeling close to my family. The world seems bleak to me, I'm on a high dose of anti-depressants but they only lightly mitigate my thoughts, because they're underpinned by complex reasoning.
Yet I am capable of enjoying conversation, even if I find it stressful. I need human companionship despite not being able to cope with the demand of it, the acting and constant evaluation. I'm starting to wonder if I'm capable of love at all, or even if anybody is capable of loving me. Realistically I think that I can only manage to be close to one person at most, but even finding one person is challenging when you're atypical even among those diagnosed with ASD. People have all sorts of demands which are completely alien to my understanding, and because I'm not outwardly symptomatic to those who don't know me (ie. everybody), they're less understanding when I appear to breach social convention.
It's difficult to feel any fondness for people because they have a tendency to believe whatever is convenient to them, even at the expense of others. When something is repeated often enough then people tend to believe it rather than challenge it, either through weariness or a selfish desire to feel moral superiority without having to actually think about things even if it means being told what (and in what terms) to think. People left me to decay without a second thought, so it makes sense that I struggle to feel anything for them, but at the same time on an intellectual level I find most people to be pitiable and I don't believe any person can render truly objective judgement, indeed I don't really think that people have much control over their own lives. Thus the contradiction between how I think and how I feel leads to overstimulation and a headache.
Veering off a little there but what I really want to bring up is how frustrated I feel. The one thing that I want, to be close to somebody, anybody, is both impossible and ever visible through the internet or other means. Life is empty and I can't do anything with myself until that changes, but I'm not convinced that it can be changed. Does anybody understand this?
Yet I am capable of enjoying conversation, even if I find it stressful. I need human companionship despite not being able to cope with the demand of it, the acting and constant evaluation. I'm starting to wonder if I'm capable of love at all, or even if anybody is capable of loving me. Realistically I think that I can only manage to be close to one person at most, but even finding one person is challenging when you're atypical even among those diagnosed with ASD. People have all sorts of demands which are completely alien to my understanding, and because I'm not outwardly symptomatic to those who don't know me (ie. everybody), they're less understanding when I appear to breach social convention.
It's difficult to feel any fondness for people because they have a tendency to believe whatever is convenient to them, even at the expense of others. When something is repeated often enough then people tend to believe it rather than challenge it, either through weariness or a selfish desire to feel moral superiority without having to actually think about things even if it means being told what (and in what terms) to think. People left me to decay without a second thought, so it makes sense that I struggle to feel anything for them, but at the same time on an intellectual level I find most people to be pitiable and I don't believe any person can render truly objective judgement, indeed I don't really think that people have much control over their own lives. Thus the contradiction between how I think and how I feel leads to overstimulation and a headache.
Veering off a little there but what I really want to bring up is how frustrated I feel. The one thing that I want, to be close to somebody, anybody, is both impossible and ever visible through the internet or other means. Life is empty and I can't do anything with myself until that changes, but I'm not convinced that it can be changed. Does anybody understand this?