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NZguy

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Jun 29, 2016
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Location
New Zealand
Hi all- new to this site.

I am a 22 year old male Living in NZ. I don't really know what I want out of posting this but it seems like its a good idea to just throw it all out there and see what comes back.

Where to begin...

I have zero self confidence, I am an anxious person, I have little self worth, I am extremely self conscious, very shy, very quiet and on top of that several other things.
I know it isn't the best or the most reliable thing to do but recently I have done heaps of those online anxiety, self esteem and depression tests and ALL of them don't look good. I have no doubt that seeing these results whether reliable or not is not helping my state of mind.

I am so self conscious that I never even laugh or rarely smile for worry about what people think of me. When told to smile for a photo (which I try my best to avoid) I cannot- it is as if I have forgotten how to smile. I HATE to have the spotlight on myself. I hate birthdays because I dislike receiving gifts.

I find myself unappealing/unattractive. I feel as if I have little to offer. I still live at home because I lack the mental strength to leave, I dislike change and leaving home would be deeply unsettling for me.

I do have friends, none are really good friends which I can talk to about this and although extremely close to my parents I do not/will not talk to them about myself. If invited to go out with friends I usually agree but then leave early or make an excuse no to go at all.

Because of all of this I am still a virgin, I have never had a girlfriend nor have I been intimate or even kissed a girl.

All of these 'issues' are clearly holding me back from life. I have a good job that pays well and one I mostly enjoy. People looking from the outside think I am a happy person but after years and years of practice my façade is very good.

I know some of you and others would say just go on, force yourself out there and just do it! But.... as people like me know it isn't that easy. There seems to be an impenetrable barrier.

I look forward to chatting.
Thanks for reading
 
Okay, so what do you think would build your confidence? What do you enjoy doing? What are you good at? What could you do that is somewhat challenging and succeed at?

My advice would find something that fits with the above questions and do it and keep doing it and other things until you gain some type of sense of job well done, so to speak.
What about working out/exercising? That's a good way to boost confidence (not just about looks).

Of course forcing yourself to get out there and do things isn't EASY, but it generally helps in the long run. Hiding behind the scenes doing nothing will never get you anywhere. Start with something very small and work your way up when you get more comfortable with that.

As for the living arrangements, what about looking for something very close to your parents? Even next door, possibly. Would that work? I don't see anything wrong with you still living with your parents, but it seems like you might have a slight issue with the fact that you aren't comfortable with change enough to move out.
 
Thanks for the reply so far

Taken on board. The thing(s) I like doing is my full time job which I guess is a bit rare but it gives me a sense of purpose and belonging. Unfortunately it isn't the sort of job you can bring home with you and carry on with.

Although I stated I still live at home that isn't a big problem with me as I get on well with my parents and pay board as well as contributing to the household. It tends to be when I am alone or with other people I get down and hopeless. It's as if my parents are my crutch, and to be honest if it wasn't for them life wouldn't be worth living.

Facebook is a blessing and a curse, the latter because I get constant reminders of what I'm missing out on. My school mates are all having relationships, getting married, going on big O.E's

I feel as if there is just so much 'wrong' with me. I'm just sooo self conscious, so unconfident, so self hating, so unsure of many things.

P.S. I am genuinely not seeking pity or trying to preaching poor me here, I am just seeking a platform to vent and get advice.
 
So I went out with some work mates today for a good day out- It was really good I knew it would be I just stressed like buggery before hand as usual. "ok so I have to be there at Xam and I have to travel this far so I'm going to have to leave at Xam... but I don't want to be first or last so I should get there at this time...."

We went out for a meal afterwards which was good but they were all talking about partners, their love life and conquests. I felt really bad and just slunk into the shadows. My façade was in full force so nobody expected a thing, I occasionally piped up and said something 'macho' to appear as if I had any idea, but really I was out of my depth. I am so inexperienced and so behind the 8 ball in so many ways
 
I always experience that, being among a group of people who talk about their partners, families, kids and vacations or even shopping and I can't relate to any of those things. I mean I can give my opinion, but I have none to share from my end. It tends to make me quiet and it's probably one of the reasons that made me a loner and anti-social.

Give yourself some time. Getting out there to gain experience takes time and patience. You will get there, as long as you keep trying and keep up a positive attitude about things. Best of luck.
 
Hi all I am having a helpful Private message chat with a member but thought I would post my reply here to gain a few thoughts.

No my problems don't seem to come from anywhere, anyone or any one thing. As far as I can remember I have been self-conscious about everything. I am a nervous person. I like to be in control of myself so I don't drink alcohol in large quantities for the fear of losing control of what I do/say. Not that I am a violent person or anything, in fact I am quite placid. I only ever say things around strangers and friends that will make them happy. I never start or enter in arguments or say things to get them upset, I fear ridicule, anger and disappointment to me. I do not show my feelings for probably a combination of all three things you mention (1. You are totally comfortable with keeping your feelings to yourself. 2. You don't have someone to talk to. 3. You have people around you, but don't know how to/can't express yourself (due to fear)) but particularly because I feel my problems are not for someone else to worry or even care about. It's like why should anyone be concerned for what I feel. It is not important.... its only me after all- little old me who never changes and just trundles on, not unnoticed but no-one stops to give me a second thought.

My brother and his fiancé came for tea tonight and it was business as usual with my parents and them as couples enjoying themselves... here I am as normal by myself. I honestly don't feel like I will ever have someone care about me in a romantic way. Not for the fact I think I don’t deserve it but for the fact I can’t see anybody enjoying my company and valuing me enough in a relationship type capacity. I don’t know how to conduct myself around people in a romantic way. I could never kiss anybody in front of family because I hate attention and teasing. We (parents and brother+fiancé) are going out for tea at a restaurant tomorrow night and I am not looking forward to it. Again I will be in a room with all couples and sitting at a table like a third wheel. (or 5th wheel you could say). It is worse now I am older because all people will see is some early 20s loser hanging with his parents because he has no life. I am also making an effort to go out with 3 old school friends in a few days but they are all now flatting with their respective partners and I only pray they will not pry me for why I haven’t got a girlfriend.

I know the old saying rings true- “you cannot expect someone to love you if you don’t first love yourself”- but this is of little help to me. I do not love myself; I do not know how to love myself. I feel as if I have nothing to be loved for. Sure I am the cliché type man- honest and trustworthy and respectful but these do not balance the “bad” things out. I realise no one is perfect but I seem to be too far down the spectrum. So no I can’t say I am actively looking for a girlfriend because I don’t know how and don’t want to. I honestly can say that if I was told the perfect girl would knock at my door I would not be interested. I can’t offer her anything she would want or need- I know people will say “you don’t know what she wants” but this is partially untrue, even I know she would want someone to love her and care for her and be there for her but I can’t even offer her that. I will only ever be that friend, the guy who a girl could call her friend but never anything more. If a girl attempted to kiss me I would be so embarrassed and self-conscious I would just say sorry and move away. If she even went to hold my hand I would remove it and worry about who saw. I have nothing of substance to offer. And after all this Is assuming someone was interested in me, I am not attractive, I am not fit, I am not a standout personality and certainly NOT spontaneous. I have not and do not let anyone into my true self and its not as simple as just dropping my façade, it won’t happen.

I am so envious when watching people in movies or even in real life where a girlfriend/partner cares so much for them that they are genuinely upset by things they say or do. I feel my opinions or feelings could never be considered worthy of such emotion. I feel as if I could never be the person that someone cares for and thinks about above all else, I could never be that one special person. I am a nobody. I could never tell anybody about my feelings because a) I don’t have anybody to tell be it friend or partner and b) I could never speak so frankly to anyone. I can only say this here for knowing nobody knows me and because we don’t speak face to face.
 
Hi NZguy. You sound so much like me it's eerie. Please, do not down yourself because you are not like the masses. I understand perfectly how easy it is to do so when nobody around you (in the flesh) is like you. You feel like a saw thumb and as though you stick out so much that everybody stares or laughs, and like you I hate being in the spotlight whether good or bad. I've found that who I am is much easier to accept when with similar people. For me that's my husband, but I realise I was extremely blessed to find him and most of us do not find that person who is so similar to us. What the internet can offer however is increased chances of finding alike people. I actually met my husband online, so I hope that gives you some hope. While many internet relationships don't work, many also do end happily, much like real life.

Try not to put so much emphasis on a partner. What I mean is, while many people have had relationships or are in one, a lot of bad comes with them as well. People will commonly think relationship equals higher up in life than someone who is single, but life is not that black and white. Sadly, I think the majority of relationships out there aren't very happy ones, let alone ideal ones, so don't beat yourself up about that. If you find a girl one day and you have mutual feelings but you are too scared, she would understand, respect and help you through that in baby steps if need be if she really thought anything of you. If she doesn't, I wouldn't think you've lost much. You don't want your partner to be someone you must be false around. Over months or years you'll find that won't make you happy. It will make you distant from each other. Understanding and care is a vital part of any relationship.

Until that suitable and worthy person comes into your life, try and find solace in knowing you are anything but alone. Many people are like us, but due to the nature of being quiet/introverted/timid, those people will be tougher to find. Think of our type of person as being the foxes while the majority are the yapping dogs. :)
 
Hi NZguy,

My name’s Dave, I’m a 31-year-old guy from Canada and I personally related to so much of what you wrote. I remember exactly what it was like to be your age and feel anxious and self conscious around people – attractive girls most of all.

I especially connected with the part where you wrote that advice along the lines of “just go on” or “force yourself to get out there” just doesn’t cut it. If it were that **** easy, obviously we would!

Since I connected so much with what you wrote, I wanted to reach out to hopefully start a dialogue, and to offer some advice. I used to feel very much like you feel now, but I’m proud to say that today I have a lot more confidence and self-worth.

I still feel insecure at times – everyone does at one point or another – and I can still be too hard on myself at times. But in general I feel much, much more confident with myself and I think I can offer a bit of advice that will help you feel the same.

Firstly, don’t bother with those online anxiety tests. So things are self-fulfilling prophecies, in my opinion – anyone doing the test thinks they’re depressed or has anxiety, and taking the test only confirms their suspicions. Don’t bother.

Secondly, as mentioned, don’t listen to the people who say “just put yourself out there” or some such nonsense. In fact, in the early going, my advice would be to do the opposite. Here’s what I mean:

When I was younger I wanted to be more extroverted, and I would force myself to go to big parties or clubs with friends to try to meet girls, or at least make myself more outgoing. But I would get so nervous that I would sweat profusely, get weird about making small talk, feel self conscious about both those things and have a miserable time. Then, I’d hate myself for not being outgoing enough and lament the fact that I was terrible at talking to girls. It was basically the perfect recipe for disaster.

Years later I started doing online dating and going out on dates in a one-on-one setting and found that in a quieter environment, talking to girls was easy. It was then that I realized the problem wasn’t actually with me, it was with the environment I was putting myself in. I much prefer smaller, quieter venues and personal conversations rather than big crowds.

So before you throw yourself into umpteen situations which might just make you feel worse, my first advice is this: learn more about yourself, and particularly your strengths. Because I promise you, despite how it may sometimes feel, you DO have strengths.

The very first step I would recommend is reading a book called Quiet by author Susan Cain. The books is all about introverts, which I am and it sounds like you probably are as well. I read it recently and it was probably the most empowering thing I’ve ever read. Just knowing that my shyness, my anxious thoughts, my tendency to focus on the negative and umpteen other character traits that I used to kick myself are actually perfectly normal was hugely liberating.

Once you’ve learned a little more about yourself, you’ll probably be able to identify your strengths and lean into them, which will be a good first step to bolstering your confidence.

Obviously there’s more to it than that – in my opinion, building confidence is a lifelong endeavour – but hopefully this helps.

I’d be curious to hear your thoughts on it and would love to open up a dialogue about what you’re going through. Feel free to PM me if it's more comfortable for you.
 

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