Thoughts please. I need to hear from people to help me

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NZguy

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Hi. I am posting this here aswell as in another section because it is relevant to relationships.

-a little background, I have real self esteem issues and no confidence, I lack any relationship experience. I have real personality issues. I have been having a good chat on PM with a member but though I would post my reply here too.

No my problems don't seem to come from anywhere, anyone or any one thing. As far as I can remember I have been self-conscious about everything. I am a nervous person. I like to be in control of myself so I don't drink alcohol in large quantities for the fear of losing control of what I do/say. Not that I am a violent person or anything, in fact I am quite placid. I only ever say things around strangers and friends that will make them happy. I never start or enter in arguments or say things to get them upset, I fear ridicule, anger and disappointment to me. I do not show my feelings for probably a combination of all three things you mention (1. You are totally comfortable with keeping your feelings to yourself. 2. You don't have someone to talk to. 3. You have people around you, but don't know how to/can't express yourself (due to fear)) but particularly because I feel my problems are not for someone else to worry or even care about. It's like why should anyone be concerned for what I feel. It is not important.... its only me after all- little old me who never changes and just trundles on, not unnoticed but no-one stops to give me a second thought.

My brother and his fiancé came for tea tonight and it was business as usual with my parents and them as couples enjoying themselves... here I am as normal by myself. I honestly don't feel like I will ever have someone care about me in a romantic way. Not for the fact I think I don’t deserve it but for the fact I can’t see anybody enjoying my company and valuing me enough in a relationship type capacity. I don’t know how to conduct myself around people in a romantic way. I could never kiss anybody in front of family because I hate attention and teasing. We (parents and brother+fiancé) are going out for tea at a restaurant tomorrow night and I am not looking forward to it. Again I will be in a room with all couples and sitting at a table like a third wheel. (or 5th wheel you could say). It is worse now I am older because all people will see is some early 20s loser hanging with his parents because he has no life. I am also making an effort to go out with 3 old school friends in a few days but they are all now flatting with their respective partners and I only pray they will not pry me for why I haven’t got a girlfriend.

I know the old saying rings true- “you cannot expect someone to love you if you don’t first love yourself”- but this is of little help to me. I do not love myself; I do not know how to love myself. I feel as if I have nothing to be loved for. Sure I am the cliché type man- honest and trustworthy and respectful but these do not balance the “bad” things out. I realise no one is perfect but I seem to be too far down the spectrum. So no I can’t say I am actively looking for a girlfriend because I don’t know how and don’t want to. I honestly can say that if I was told the perfect girl would knock at my door I would not be interested. I can’t offer her anything she would want or need- I know people will say “you don’t know what she wants” but this is partially untrue, even I know she would want someone to love her and care for her and be there for her but I can’t even offer her that. I will only ever be that friend, the guy who a girl could call her friend but never anything more. If a girl attempted to kiss me I would be so embarrassed and self-conscious I would just say sorry and move away. If she even went to hold my hand I would remove it and worry about who saw. I have nothing of substance to offer. And after all this Is assuming someone was interested in me, I am not attractive, I am not fit, I am not a standout personality and certainly NOT spontaneous. I have not and do not let anyone into my true self and its not as simple as just dropping my façade, it won’t happen.

I am so envious when watching people in movies or even in real life where a girlfriend/partner cares so much for them that they are genuinely upset by things they say or do. I feel my opinions or feelings could never be considered worthy of such emotion. I feel as if I could never be the person that someone cares for and thinks about above all else, I could never be that one special person. I am a nobody. I could never tell anybody about my feelings because a) I don’t have anybody to tell be it friend or partner and b) I could never speak so frankly to anyone. I can only say this here for knowing nobody knows me and because we don’t speak face to face.
 
I was once like you, all I can say is... If you think that nobody cares about your thoughts or feelings, then why not say them? Keeping all to yourself is not good if you dont know how to handle it it can be build up to anger and frustration. Just tell people what on your mind, its not that hard, you just making it hard. And even if no one would care, then what you got to lose?
 
Nicholas said:
I was once like you, all I can say is... If you think that nobody cares about your thoughts or feelings, then why not say them? Keeping all to yourself is not good if you dont know how to handle it it can be build up to anger and frustration. Just tell people what on your mind, its not that hard, you just making it hard. And even if no one would care, then what you got to lose?

Thanks for replying. .....Because I've got no one to tell. I don't have that sort of relationship with my parents and don't have good friends to share with not that I could tell them. For me it is hard. What have I got to lose? well nothing to lose but plenty of ridicule, shame and disappointment to gain.
 
NZguy said:
Nicholas said:
I was once like you, all I can say is... If you think that nobody cares about your thoughts or feelings, then why not say them? Keeping all to yourself is not good if you dont know how to handle it it can be build up to anger and frustration. Just tell people what on your mind, its not that hard, you just making it hard. And even if no one would care, then what you got to lose?

Thanks for replying. .....Because I've got no one to tell. I don't have that sort of relationship with my parents and don't have good friends to share with not that I could tell them. For me it is hard. What have I got to lose? well nothing to lose but plenty of ridicule, shame and disappointment to gain.

Its pretty irresponsible from to be one of those people that just say "do it" and "you will be fine" and such, and I can't impose my world view on you.
BUT my kiwi friend , theres a thread around here somewhere that people posted their biggest regrets, and if you look into it you will see that most of them saying that their biggest regrat is letting fear control their life. Now your still young, but do you want to regret your fearing of something thats really trivial, in 20 years?
Seriously!!! No one will be ashamed of you if you say something or express your feelings.
 
[/quote]

Its pretty irresponsible from to be one of those people that just say "do it" and "you will be fine" and such, and I can't impose my world view on you.
BUT my kiwi friend , theres a thread around here somewhere that people posted their biggest regrets, and if you look into it you will see that most of them saying that their biggest regrat is letting fear control their life. Now your still young, but do you want to regret your fearing of something thats really trivial, in 20 years?
Seriously!!! No one will be ashamed of you if you say something or express your feelings.
[/quote]

I appreciate your advice thanks for replying. I have taken it onboard, I only wish I had the knowhow and confidence to take control
 
Consider enrolling in a tertiary qualification if you aren't already. Honestly the best way to get comfortable socializing is to force yourself when you're not feeling like it. Join a club, Uni/AUT is a good place for that. Make yourself do it. You'll feel better and have a great deal more to talk about. I live in Auckland by the way.
 
Thanks good idea. However I am already in a form of tertiary education.

P. S. I have booked an appointment with the doctor in a couple of days time.
 
So, I went to the doctor today and he said that he believes I have anxiety issues and a mild depression too. He said they often go hand in hand. He has prescribed me an anti-depressant drug, told me to exercise more often and and advised me to seek a councillor.
 
NZguy said:
So, I went to the doctor today and he said that he believes I have anxiety issues and a mild depression too. He said they often go hand in hand. He has prescribed me an anti-depressant drug, told me to exercise more often and and advised me to seek a councillor.

Yeah that sounds like a typical response from a doctor to our kind of person. May I ask what anti-depressant he started you on?
 
Bubblebeam said:
NZguy said:
So, I went to the doctor today and he said that he believes I have anxiety issues and a mild depression too. He said they often go hand in hand. He has prescribed me an anti-depressant drug, told me to exercise more often and and advised me to seek a councillor.

Yeah that sounds like a typical response from a doctor to our kind of person. May I ask what anti-depressant he started you on?

He has been my doctor for ever. He asked what I thought about medication because he said if I don't want it he won't give it to me.

It is Citalopram. He has also sent me for a blood test to see if I'm lacking in anything
 
Would you say your doctor is one of the more down-to-earth types that takes their experience and your wants into consideration? Some will refuse to migrate from the textbook so to speak, and so they will tend to only prescribe you what "should" work instead of what does work, which very often are two different things. Many people will unfortunately never get what they truly need because of such doctors, so it's vital to have a good one.

I hope Citalopram is the one for you though. It didn't do anything for me personally, but we're all very unique in our chemical responses so pay no heed to that.

By the way I posted on your other thread yesterday. Not sure if you saw that.
 
Bubblebeam said:
Would you say your doctor is one of the more down-to-earth types that takes their experience and your wants into consideration? Some will refuse to migrate from the textbook so to speak, and so they will tend to only prescribe you what "should" work instead of what does work, which very often are two different things. Many people will unfortunately never get what they truly need because of such doctors, so it's vital to have a good one.

I hope Citalopram is the one for you though. It didn't do anything for me personally, but we're all very unique in our chemical responses so pay no heed to that.

By the way I posted on your other thread yesterday. Not sure if you saw that.


Yes, thank you I did read that. Really appreciate your advice. It's so nice to 'talk' to people for a change. It also felt quite good to chat to the doctor today- as I haven't and have never and spoken to anyone about my what I'm feeling before.... and I have been down and depressed for a very long time, maybe some 10years. Finger's crossed this medication gives me the kick up the backside I need.
 
Don't forget the counselor though for medication alone can only do so much and a counselor can help you monitor and give you perspective.
 
NZguy said:
Bubblebeam said:
Would you say your doctor is one of the more down-to-earth types that takes their experience and your wants into consideration? Some will refuse to migrate from the textbook so to speak, and so they will tend to only prescribe you what "should" work instead of what does work, which very often are two different things. Many people will unfortunately never get what they truly need because of such doctors, so it's vital to have a good one.

I hope Citalopram is the one for you though. It didn't do anything for me personally, but we're all very unique in our chemical responses so pay no heed to that.

By the way I posted on your other thread yesterday. Not sure if you saw that.


Yes, thank you I did read that. Really appreciate your advice. It's so nice to 'talk' to people for a change. It also felt quite good to chat to the doctor today- as I haven't and have never and spoken to anyone about my what I'm feeling before.... and I have been down and depressed for a very long time, maybe some 10years. Finger's crossed this medication gives me the kick up the backside I need.

The chat is always an option, if you're interested, for when you need to rant or just talk to someone.
 
Bubblebeam,

Anymore I think some doctors just type symptoms into a computer program and then let it tell them what to do. To me that is even worse than textbook ones for at least with a textbook they had to think what it could be and look it up. Computer ones don't even seem to think at all. I agree it is a real problem finding a doctor who can actually think for himself. My last trip to the emergency room he actually handed over the computer print outs! Wish we could self diagnose, we'd probably do better, no one knows you better than you.

Nzguy,

Don't forget us, let us know how you are doing...
 
BayouWoman said:
Bubblebeam,

Anymore I think some doctors just type symptoms into a computer program and then let it tell them what to do. To me that is even worse than textbook ones for at least with a textbook they had to think what it could be and look it up. Computer ones don't even seem to think at all. I agree it is a real problem finding a doctor who can actually think for himself. My last trip to the emergency room he actually handed over the computer print outs! Wish we could self diagnose, we'd probably do better, no one knows you better than you.

Nzguy,

Don't forget us, let us know how you are doing...

Hi. Pretty average to be honest. The Doctor did say for the first two weeks taking Citalopram you may feel worse. He was right.... 4days in and I feel very unmotivated and sluggish, my parents are upset trying to find out why I am quieter and not eating much- I haven't told them anything and won't. They are going on a long awaited holiday in a few days for a couple of weeks and I don't want them worrying about the fact that I am on anti-depressants.

My uncle was on anti-depressants (for major depression) and he stopped taking them and ended up committing suicide. I know they will draw parallels and I would rather they just don't know. Ignorance is bliss
 
A lot of doctors don't know what to do. And not just for depression for some. Their guess is just as good as anyone else's with many things. So, they give what's most common and what they've seen has helped others before. That's pretty much all they can go off.
 
Not to turn this into a funny joke but this sounds like a new series of Breaking Bad 2 =) You my friend are holding it all inside from A to Z and hope one day you dont blow up and start selling meth haha All jokes aside you really are holding everything inside. There is so much room inside that bubble of yours until it bursts. I will be the first to admit that my life is flawed and I have many issues. But, one thing I learned is always and always have fun and enjoy life. Never live by rules and in fear of what others may think of you. We are given this thing called life just once and if we don't live it the way we want one day we will wake up in bed with gray hair and wrinkles wondering why didn't I do that? Now I'm not saying steal a helicopter and crash it on some island in Greece lol But, live outside of the boundaries a little. It's time you get off this railroad track you build and experience life from another view. Take a trip to a country you always wanted, go rent a sports car and drive it on a race track, go sky diving, take a hike on that mountain, go to a rave and let loose. There is so much to do in life and we all do what you do at time and try to be cautions. But, cautions is not the way to live and our deep inner-self knows exactly what tit wants so stop dreaming and start doing.
 

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