What would you do here?

I wonder if people can offer some advice, women as well maybe.

It’s regarding someone at work and in my courses that I’ve known for about 2 years, speaking maybe once a week. We got along well and she’s been pretty friendly. We had a long conversation over facebook about a month ago and it turned out she catches the same train, asked what time I left work and suggested we could catch it together. I suggested we could get something to eat on the way and she seemed really enthusiastic (“we could get dinner or a drink after work”) I’d been busy and only managed to meet her once since then (no dinner or drinks), so I thought I’d arrange it.

Something must have changed in the interim because it’s gone from “dinner and a drink” to her suggesting a “a quick drink” and emphasizing over and over again how she can’t stay long. Still polite and talkative when I messaged her, but the last couple of times we spoke got that glazed over, cooled off, slightly annoyed manner indicating things had run their course and she was sick of me. I know that look well by now.

I’m thinking, if it’s the same impression tomorrow, I might suggest we skip the drink and go straight to the train. It doesn’t seem to matter to her either way now.

I don’t want to go through the motions with someone who clearly just wants to get it over with. But then I don’t want to seem like some manipulative manbaby trying a guilt-trip ploy either, so it's an awkward situation.

I've got a female co-worker who I've been working with since March who I've got on really well with. For about a month she barely said a word to me and I felt a really unfriendly, snappy vibe from her. She seemed to do this more with me than anyone else though she was quieter with them as well and we do sit close together. Then, about a week and a half ago I noticed she was in tears. She left her desk for a while and I went back to working. Then the next thing I know I'm being nudged with a plate of cupcake type food and she's offering me and everyone else in the room one. Turns out that the real cause of her behavior was (as I suspected in the back of my mind) nothing to do with me and everything to do with her having a really hard time coping with the monotony of the work we are doing (this is her first government department role and I can attest to the fact that it is VERY monotonous).

So it might well be that it really has nothing to do with you and everything to do with things that are going on in her life.

I would just go for the drink and see how it goes.

That's possible Paraiyar. I have a tendency to read too much into things. It's just that impression, you know... of someone not being comfortable talking to you any more. She would be quite pre-occupied at the moment, study, new flat etc. but I'm not sure why that would result in wanting to keep things short on an otherwise free night.

In your situation the person didn't know you, so it was fair to assume it wasn't about you.

It was me I'd suggest we skip the drink and go straight for the train, then play it by ear as time goes by. If she's preoccupied with some agenda, you'll find out eventually, if it's that you're not her cup of tea, you'll discover that too. Good call on your part for not wanting to be a manbaby.

Nevermind. I cancelled. Mod please close the thread. Sorry about that.

ardour said:

In your situation the person didn't know you, so it was fair to assume it wasn't about you.

Click to expand...

No, we knew each other fairly well by then.

Would have probably cancelled as well. I don't know if it's a universal thing that happens for all men but after a while you can just tell. They start using those universal white lies that everyone knows and they are suddenly so so busy all the time. But somehow they think you are dumbass and they can actually pull the lies off on you. Sucks when you get that vibe though because they will rarely ever be honest if you bring it up.

Dont waste your time on someone who obviously isn't going to value it.

Okay so wait, let me see if I understand this correctly. So YOU couldn't meet up for a drink or dinner because you were so busy, but now all of a sudden, SHE seems to be busy and preoccupied, so it automatically means she's not interested, even though she said she would get a drink with you, it just had to be a quick one?

Doesn't that sound a little hypocritical of you to assume she's blowing you off when you had to do the same thing to her?

TheRealCallie said:

Okay so wait, let me see if I understand this correctly. So YOU couldn't meet up for a drink or dinner because you were so busy, but now all of a sudden, SHE seems to be busy and preoccupied, so it automatically means she's not interested, even though she said she would get a drink with you, it just had to be a quick one?

Doesn't that sound a little hypocritical of you to assume she's blowing you off when you had to do the same thing to her?

Click to expand...

Fair enough, but basically what kamya said: sometimes you just get that feeling from them that they'd rather not.

I can imagine how it would have gone: we get a beer, try to have a conversation over the noise; she leaves after 10 minutes. I actually suggested we reschedule to next Tues/Wed when it would be quieter, but she declined saying we should "park it" until her research is done.

Once again, I've never done this so I don't have any advice to give. I just wanted to wish you luck with this, ardour. Guys like us who have had no luck in dating, we've just got to believe we can break through this barrier.

ardour said:

TheRealCallie said:

Okay so wait, let me see if I understand this correctly. So YOU couldn't meet up for a drink or dinner because you were so busy, but now all of a sudden, SHE seems to be busy and preoccupied, so it automatically means she's not interested, even though she said she would get a drink with you, it just had to be a quick one?

Doesn't that sound a little hypocritical of you to assume she's blowing you off when you had to do the same thing to her?

Click to expand...

Fair enough, but basically what kamya said: sometimes you just get that feeling from them that they'd rather not.

I can imagine how it would have gone: we get a beer, try to have a conversation over the noise; she leaves after 10 minutes. I actually suggested we reschedule to next Tues/Wed when it would be quieter, but she declined saying we should "park it" until her research is done.

Click to expand...

You could "imagine" how it would have gone, but you don't know how it really would have gone.

I think you should "play hard to get" if you know what I mean? Obviously that phrase is for when there's actually a thing between you and the other person, so I don't know why I bother saying that one.

Never mind, what I really wanted to say, is if you are trying to get a date.. don't keep playing games like that. If she doesn't seem interested, don't try so hard. It's not about trying to determine whether she's not interested in you or really can't make the time. I think your best course of action is to just not show that much interest in her. Then if she wants you to do something, she will actually bring it up herself.

Sorry, for the long drawn out crappy comment.

1:35 am in the UK