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I am not living; I am just existing.
08-28-2008, 11:18 PM (This post was last modified: 08-28-2008 11:39 PM by alonelyshyboy.)
Post: #1
I am not living; I am just existing.
I don't really know what I want out of life. I am sick and tired of being lonely and I REALLY REALLY want to break out of this cycle.

On the surface I appear to be doing well - I have completed two degrees; landed a graduate position right out of uni which I am enjoying. Anyone that doesn't know what I am feeling inside must think that I am doing so well. However, inside I feel so empty and hollow, like as though my needs for living aren't being met. Maybe that's why I don't hate work - the fact that I get human interactions everyday. I am horrifically shy, and fear nothing more than approaching complete strangers.

I have become so used to doing things on my own that I don't know any different, yet at the end of the day I feel so miserable. I have probably had these feelings since 2002 - the last time I actually had a group of friends. This group has basically disbanded and most of these guys are now interstate. Currently, I only ever catch up with the three friends that I have. However, these catch ups tend to happen rather sporadically and I can only take so much - two of these people like to whinge a lot; I am not much of a whinger in real life.

Additionally, none of them are very social and are not interested in going out to bars, clubs, seeing live bands etc... I love listening to all kinds of music and would love to go see a band/artist live for once, but I am too self-conscious to even consider going alone and the prospect of ever finding other people whom I could join is rather bleak. I like doing these 'social things' because they are memories of the last time that I actually had fun. I have probably gone to bed in tears more in the past year than I have since I was a wee lad. I think I have gone to bed really miserable at least one time every weekend since I started my new job. I HATE talking about weekends/social lives at work because I don't have one and it makes me feel miserable when people at work talk about their great weekends. I especially hate being asked what I will be getting up to - 'not much' is my usual response; I just feel so sad inside that I have no people to do anything with; except for seeing a friend that complains about her 'tough' life (she is financially set and have people willing to give her a job etc...) and basically wants free english lessons. It's like every word that she does not understand, she will get me to spell it out and write it down, and then when I 'dumb' down my speech to Simple English, she complains: 'why is your English so bad?'. I just want to relax and enjoy my weekend, not give you a fucking tutoring lesson.

All I want is to meet some fun, easy going people that like having a drink, a dance or seeing live music together.

Speaking of self-consciousness... I am extremely so. One example is when I go shopping; be it for clothes or CDs, I am always so self-conscious about what others are thinking but I do these things anyway. In fact, tonight there was a gathering of Master of Commerce students at a pub that I didn't attend because I have already completed the degree - I know about this because I checked my student e-mail. I didn't go because I was self-conscious about what they would think of me going to a gathering for students when I am a working professional who has already graduated.

I don't even know why I am bothering to make a post such as this. I mean, it's not like it will automagically create a group of people to hang out with socially. I am going to be completely honest and say that I spend maybe 80% of my online time trying to find ways to meet people in my area. I have tried meetup.com but those meetups never eventuate; I have tried dating sites but you need to pay,

Now that I am out of uni and have wasted any opportunities to meet people, I don't know what to do. I have no idea how I will be able to break out of this rut. I really want to try dancing lessons, but I made a pact with my mate that I would wait for him to do it together - the wait is starting to become an eternity. However, I am a man of my word and will wait.

I don't want to even think about the prospect of finding a girlfriend. The concept just seems nigh on impossible. I am not bad looking, but I am firm on the belief that girls look beyond this and go for personalities unless you're a real hottie.

I am also paying off a car loan on a car I purchased over two years ago and which I now regret - I only use it on weekends and only got it because I was able to get the loan from my parents interest free, but they lent me the money on the condition that the car was new and was 4-doors. At the time, I used the car to get to work. However, I now wish that I hadn't listened to my olds and got a 'fun' weekend car instead - driving is one of the things that I do to forget about my woes.
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08-29-2008, 12:15 AM
Post: #2
RE: I am not living; I am just existing.
Shy,
Have you thought about taking some continuing ed classes? It's a good way to meet people. You could take stained glass, astronomy or maybe take a cooking class, that will come in handy later Smile

As tough as it is, you might have to break out of your comfort zone. I know it's hard being shy. Sorry I couldn't help you more. My mind is a bit frazzled today.

http://bohemianfootsteps.blogspot.com/
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08-29-2008, 12:22 AM (This post was last modified: 08-29-2008 01:05 AM by Lonesome Crow.)
Post: #3
RE: I am not living; I am just existing.
Been there, done that, know exactly what you mean.
Sometimes it's good to write things out so it's not going around in circles in your head.
Most of time its good to just have someone listen to you. Not to get advice or have them
feel sorry for you...just so you don't feel like ur a wack job.
Someone that'll understand you.

It's werid because I'd just ride my bike to the park and just hang out.
I fine a hobbi that I like and I allow myself to do them.
No matter how stupid or childish it may seem.
I take a kite, a book, R/C cars or heli and just play.
Sometimes I go jogging becuase I like to site see.lol
Healthy women don't hang out in bars....

I dunno..do some vulunteer work..Like go to old folk's home.
You never know who ur run into,
And the old folks are full of wisdom and life's experince.

I miss riding my motorcycle so much...
I'd ride that thing everywhere, all the back roads, through all the valley and mountains.
I'd ride to the middle of nowhere and just be in nature.
Sometimes I'll punch it as fast as it'll go can everything gose by in flash.
But i come home with a big smile on my face becuase I'm freaken greatful to just be alive.

I dunno..take a music class or a music appriciation/history class.
That seems to be your interest and you'll never know whom you might run into.

Or look to see if there's sky diving classes avaviliable in your area..that'll get the blood pumping and
another piont of view....plus you'll never know who you'll run into.lol

here's a cool song
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=3EbmIeck9uc
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09-01-2008, 08:53 PM
Post: #4
RE: I am not living; I am just existing.
I'd say it's best to take some kind of classes, whatever you would find enjoyable. You said you wanted dancing lessons, so tell ya what, remind it to your friend whom you made an agreement with and if he (she?) doesn't budge, go by yourself. He may have already forgotten, changed his mind or doesn't care and in no way should you feel obligated to wait forever for him to do something. Just my opinion.
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09-02-2008, 02:22 AM (This post was last modified: 09-02-2008 02:23 AM by Antihero.)
Post: #5
RE: I am not living; I am just existing.
I could not agree more with Silvernight in regards to the Dance class. Remind your friend, bug him about it, and I would even set a deadline. It's your life, and while it is best shared, it is also best to not allow yourself to be held back for too long by someone for whatever reason.

Sometimes I feel like a nut. Sometimes I don't.
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09-02-2008, 06:13 AM
Post: #6
RE: I am not living; I am just existing.
thats a lot of typing shy.
i feel like im just floating through life, havent been able to find work because no ones hiring, tottaly falling for my new BFF but you cant live off love alone.
lifes better than it was, but, things could be better (not to mention more stable) *ugh*
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09-04-2008, 02:00 PM (This post was last modified: 09-04-2008 02:01 PM by Shera.)
Post: #7
RE: I am not living; I am just existing.
Dance classes are a great way to add that extra something to your life- people in dance classes are usually very friendly and it is a very social activity. It's easy to meet people since you get to dance with different people. I go to them by myself, and yes sometimes it's hard to approach people just to talk, but after awhile, you feel more like you belong -it's much different from any other kind of class. I honestly don't want to think about where I'd be right now if I hadn't discovered dancing!
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