Why do I hate her so much?

The girl I live with, I used to think I loved her. But now its more like hate. She has a boyfriend. When I hear them talking in the kitchen more and more ive started muttering louder and louder things like "shut up you ******* *****" Etc to the point where she might be able to hear me. I think she reminds me of my mother who I also hate. But I have felt like this like a year, and its happened with the other girls I have been obsessed with, I ******* hate them.
I don't know how to change how love seems to have been messed up in my brain, I think this is why I still haven't had a girlfriend at nearly 23.

Hahaha that reminds me of something I did with my brothers when we were little. We'd deliberately curse at the dinner table (our family ate together), taking turns saying the foulest things we could, just loud enough to be heard by each other but not loud enough for the parents to notice. We'd have contests to see how loud we could get without our parents hearing. XD

Alex: I don't think you really hate women, you're just hurt and bitter....feeling rejected and neglected...and pouring it out on the women you see. You don't even have to say or act angry, but people can tell. They can sense that, you know. People can sense each other's feelings and if women are sensing that you're bitter or angry toward them, then that could be a good reason that they're staying away.

I'm also a bit worried that you use the word "obsess." To obsess over a woman is entirely unhealthy...it's fine to think about a girl you see a little bit...but when you find that every waking moment is filled with thinking about this person, there's a problem. A healthy relationship requires time AWAY from each other, and it's the same if you're single. You can't be entirely focused on one person (especially if that one person doesn't know you or isn't your significant other)...it's just bad business for your brain and heart-meats.

I don't know if any of that helped, but I do understand and I hope things turn out better for you as the new year progresses.

----Steve

its happened with the other girls I have been obsessed with, I ******* hate them.

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I think you've summed up why you think you 'hate' her (or any of the other girls) in that one sentence.

Did you perhaps think you 'loved' her when she was single? Or maybe when you hung out more?
Has anything in both her or your circumstances changed resulting in those feelings of 'love' you thought you had turning to anger and 'hate'?

When something isn't working out for us, the majority of people get frustrated and even pissed off. We just have to learn how to control that anger and frustration positively.

Why do you hate your mother? (If you don't mind me asking)

Love (or at least admiration) can very easily turn to hate. All it takes is something small to spark it off. You sound very similar to me. So much simmering anger and bitterness. For your own sake, try to cool it. And believe me, I KNOW how hard that is to do.

kelbo said:

its happened with the other girls I have been obsessed with, I ******* hate them.

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I think you've summed up why you think you 'hate' her (or any of the other girls) in that one sentence.

Did you perhaps think you 'loved' her when she was single? Or maybe when you hung out more?
Has anything in both her or your circumstances changed resulting in those feelings of 'love' you thought you had turning to anger and 'hate'?

When something isn't working out for us, the majority of people get frustrated and even pissed off. We just have to learn how to control that anger and frustration positively.

Why do you hate your mother? (If you don't mind me asking)

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I'm curious about the answeres to these questions as well.

If you hate her, then maybe you should confront her and tell her that you are no longer comfortable with the living arrangements?

Agree. Move out if it bugs you that much.

Besides, is her bf OK with her living with you? Cuz maybe I'm not metro-minded enough, but I wouldn't be too happy about my girlfriend (if I had one) living with any guy other than her dad/brothers. Maybe not even them, if she wants any smoochin' to go down.

----Steve

Maybe some clarification would be helpful. I didn't see that Alex actually said the girl in question was ever his girlfriend, but a girl he lived with. Was she a gf?

No, I don't think so. Alex just called her a "girl he lives with."....but did say, "I used to think I loved her." So I don't know if they were together in the first place and then the girl got a boyfriend.

Confusing situation all around, really. Some more info would help.

----Steve

I go thorugh the same thing, I can't say anything to make it better, only that your not alone

Hey guys, thanks for all your replies. To clarify, I was semi-friends with her before, met her in psycholgy at uni, but secretly fancied her.

Alex said:

But I have felt like this like a year, and its happened with the other girls I have been obsessed with, I ******* hate them.

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If you let me play armchair psychologist for a second, I'd guess that your resentment is because your feelings or obsessions weren't reciprocated, am I right?

Do any of these girls know about your feelings for them?

If not, then really your hate is seriously misplaced. Women are no more mind-readers than men are.

If some of the girls were aware of your feelings and then rejected you before even starting a relationship, then resentment is perfectly normal... for a time. It should NOT grow over the course of a year, feeding into what you have called an "obsession."

If you were dating someone and then she rejected you, again, resentment is normal and can take a while to go away, particularly if you feel wronged and are unattached while they go on their merry way dating others.


In your current situation with this one flat-mate, perhaps the best idea is to remove yourself from the equation, ie move out. Out of sight, out of mind. Or at least you can spare yourself listening to them giggling and flirting and whatever else they may be doing.

I'm going to look at it from the girl's position: If I found out that a housemate of mine had had a secret crush on me but never asked me out, and was then actively hostile toward me, I'd be pissed and possibly scared depending on who he was and what he was doing.

So I'm a "******* *****" because I have a boyfriend and am not dating my housemate even though I never knew that he fancied me?

That's insane.

Have they known my feelings for them? I do not even know my real feelings for them. What I have thought of us love seems to have been a false idealisation of people, that can quickly turn to devaluation.

I was semi-friends with her before, met her in psycholgy at uni, but secretly fancied her, but really it was probably idealisation, and they needed a 4th person to live with next year and I needed to live somewhere, maybe it was a bad idea but I moved in with them her and her two friends. I thought if I moved in with her I would come out my shell and she would see the more crazy, jokey side of me I seem unable to do around her. She got the boyfriend about a week before I moved in which obviously was very bad.

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Hmm, I can understand why you might feel a bit of resentment towards her, but it isn't her fault that you 'secretly' fancied her and never told her. She probably didn't even realise you fancied her when the suggestion of living with her & her friends came about.

Another thing you might want to think about is simply that some people just can't live together. I used to live in a house with 7 guys and then me. It was ok, they were guys I used to go on a night out with etc, but some of them drove me insane. I always say you get on really well with some people until you live with them. People have different ways of doing things, some things might really get on your nerves for different reasons. Maybe a part of it is this too?

How long of your tenancy agreement do you have left? Or can you move out any time? I would seriously suggest moving out, unresolved anger that is turning more bitter each time you see her isn't a good thing to live with. One day you might totally flip out at her - and she really doesn't deserve it.

Which is similar with the girl now, when I psyche myself up to be 'normal' around her she will do something miniscule which annoys me.

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It is different with your mother - you are related so that gives you an excuse to be allowed to be annoyed with her for certain things like how you feel about her actions. (or at least I think so.)
However, the girl you live with is NOT related and you can't just get angry at her because some of the tiny things she does annoy you. It is you that is getting annoyed - not her. I'm pretty sure she doesn't go out of her way to purposely annoy you.

Until you can move out I would suggest spending less time around her - spend it in your bedroom, or go to the gym, go out - meet new people, relax and have fun. Stop concentrating on this girl who is already taken - it will only frustrate you further.

Best of luck & take it easy x

Good advice. You have a pretty good take on things, kelbo.

----Steve

From my experince and a lot of recovery literature I've read. It didn't make sence to me at first but as I took
a closer look at my life and living patterns...it kind of made sence.

I had to look beyound the surface of the situation, get a little bit deeper of whats was really
happening inside of me.

As you stated...it retriggers a lot of familar feelings you have towards your mother.

You probably hear it before...."you run away from home only to end up getting involve with someone whos
exactly just like your parents.

I was putting myself in situations or circumstance in my life was making feel me like how my father treated me as a child.
I got myself involved with someone that had a lot of simular triats as my father..She treated me like how my father treated me.
As unhealthy as it was...It was comfortiable and familar to me...I knew how to live and survive chaso.

Animals have basic instings to return to thier birth place. As selmons swim up stream to lay eggs.
As humans..we don't neccessary go home...We bring it home to us.

There's a proverb...opportunity in chaso.
The situation I put myself in...I was actaully creating or calling forwad myself.
Whatever un-resolved anger, pains I had towards my father. A part of me was actaully ready to let go of them.
It's kind of like the pains and anger I had inside of me never healed but it got covered over.
So I put myself in these circumstance over and over again to re-open my wounds in order to let go of my un-resolved
anger and pains. It's kind of like open heart surgery.
I process my un-resolve anger and pains to get well....
As i child I was never allow to process any of my emotions. I was alway told to STFU or you'll get it.
No matter what I did..it was always not good enough. (my inner child was still hurting, carrying all the guilt, anger, pains)
Once I allow myself to get angery and said whatever I needed to say...feel whatever I needed to feel...
I grew-up emotionally and mentally...I get well....and bascailly I can say..." I DON"T NEED THAT honeysuckle ANYMORE"
Changes happens from within side of me and extend outward.

It's OKAY to feel angery..

Alex said:

You are probably right about moving out, but I'm not sure how easy it is. I would have to find someone else to move in my old room or I would have to pay the bills, and people are constantly adverstising that they need a housemate around here so I get the impression there is more demand for housemates than people moving in so doubt I could fill this place.

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Did you sign a contract stating that it was your responsibility to find a lessee/renter for your room?

How long are you contractually obliged to stay there? If you are not legally bound, there is no reason that you must stay there.

If you are bound by a contract/lease whatever, then I would suggest that you stay to the end of your term, and then move out, being sure to give the plenty of notice that they will have to find a new renter.

Alex said:

I'm not saying I'm right to hate her, I try not to (as it makes me less attractive) ...

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Wait....shouldn't you try not to hate her because IT'S WRONG, not because it makes you look bad?? Ask yourself how it's her fault that she has no idea you liked her and your answer must be that it isn't. Your hatred of her is definitely misplaced. That's like...walking down the street and seeing someone in a green jacket and hating them on site because YOU wanted that same jacket in green, but couldn't find it. The other person plays aboslutely NO part in the equation.
Again, please rethink the reason you "try not to hate her."
Perhaps learning to recognize these behaviors and acting accordingly will help you in the future.

Cheaptrickfan-Yea, contract says if I leave I would have to pay the bill until someone else took my room, ends in July/August sometime.
Eve- Yes I SHOULD try to not hate her because its (supposidely) wrong. But I guess I don't care. I know perhaps on a surface level it is not her fault, though I think she led me on slightly, but knowing this doesn't change the feelings. I'm also angry coz I feel like she is with him just because he has a business.

Well, if having a business makes him appear successful and desirable to her, then....yeah, why not? Looking at it from her point of view, there's nothing wrong with that. You can't blame her for that, even if she did lead you on a bit.

Just bide your time until you can leave and do so graciously. "Be the bigger man," to put some overused, cheesy one-liner type wording to it.

----Steve

Alex said:

Cheaptrickfan-Yea, contract says if I leave I would have to pay the bill until someone else took my room, ends in July/August sometime.

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Then I would suggest finding someone to take over your part of the lease so you can break it or gut out your remaining time with minimal "fresia You, *****" comments.

She really doesn't deserve such disrespectful treatment. It's not as though she dated you and then tossed you aside for another guy, which I can understand would build resentment.

Alex said:

Eve- Yes I SHOULD try to not hate her because its (supposidely) wrong. But I guess I don't care. I know perhaps on a surface level it is not her fault, though I think she led me on slightly, but knowing this doesn't change the feelings. I'm also angry coz I feel like she is with him just because he has a business.

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Um, no "supposedly" about it. Your hatred of her is wrong and totally irrational.

She "led you on?" How did she do that? Was she friendly?

I am amazed at how many men mistake general friendliness for flirtatiousness. But then if we women hold back in the friendliness, we're labeled as uptight, conceited bitches.

Yeah, sometimes we just can't win.