R
rachel
Guest
hi all,
so it's 12:30am on saturday morning, and i, once again, feel so utterly utterly alone. i shouldn't - i live with my boyfriend of 2 years. but i am starting to really realize how selfish and unaware he is. which is why i have been feeling more and more and more solitary for the past 6 months or so. it's such an awful feeling - i feel like it's starting to sink in that he's not the one, that i may have to end it, but that prospect would result in an entirely new level of loneliness that i'm not sure i'm ready for, as i've slowly and gradually let all my close friendships from years ago slip away so that he's all i have left. what i'm starting to get is that what i have left isn't much.
and it was a little-big thing that drove it home tonight, with him slamming the bedroom door and me now in the living room on the internet, on google, typing "i am so alone", and re-finding this site once again, registering, so i could purge. i have been growing orchids for about 2 years. he, actually, bought me my first pair of them, and i loved them right away and really took them on as a hobby i enjoyed. i had these original two on a window ledge in the bedroom. in order to open/close the window, you have to move them forward slightly, or else the latch will hit them and knock them to the ground. for literally the sixth time in the last year, he shoved the window open without moving them, and this time they both went crashing to the ground, and shattered. these being the ones i've raised from "babies" for the last 2 years, the ones HE bought for ME. he couldn't have cared less about my orchids, how this upset me, and got pissed because i "all of a sudden" didn't feel like jumping in bed with him. hence the slamming of the bedroom door. i am not sure how this reads to someone who doesn't know us, but to me, this is the millionth and first example of someone who is uncaring....it's getting too much, and this loneliness is growing steadily by the day. i probably cry myself to sleep at least once every week or so. i'm sorry if this seems rambly or silly, but even the act of typing it out like this is helping a bit...
i suppose i'm wondering if anyone else out there feels this same emotional loneliness, despite being in a relationship? how do you handle it?
thank you,
-rachel
so it's 12:30am on saturday morning, and i, once again, feel so utterly utterly alone. i shouldn't - i live with my boyfriend of 2 years. but i am starting to really realize how selfish and unaware he is. which is why i have been feeling more and more and more solitary for the past 6 months or so. it's such an awful feeling - i feel like it's starting to sink in that he's not the one, that i may have to end it, but that prospect would result in an entirely new level of loneliness that i'm not sure i'm ready for, as i've slowly and gradually let all my close friendships from years ago slip away so that he's all i have left. what i'm starting to get is that what i have left isn't much.
and it was a little-big thing that drove it home tonight, with him slamming the bedroom door and me now in the living room on the internet, on google, typing "i am so alone", and re-finding this site once again, registering, so i could purge. i have been growing orchids for about 2 years. he, actually, bought me my first pair of them, and i loved them right away and really took them on as a hobby i enjoyed. i had these original two on a window ledge in the bedroom. in order to open/close the window, you have to move them forward slightly, or else the latch will hit them and knock them to the ground. for literally the sixth time in the last year, he shoved the window open without moving them, and this time they both went crashing to the ground, and shattered. these being the ones i've raised from "babies" for the last 2 years, the ones HE bought for ME. he couldn't have cared less about my orchids, how this upset me, and got pissed because i "all of a sudden" didn't feel like jumping in bed with him. hence the slamming of the bedroom door. i am not sure how this reads to someone who doesn't know us, but to me, this is the millionth and first example of someone who is uncaring....it's getting too much, and this loneliness is growing steadily by the day. i probably cry myself to sleep at least once every week or so. i'm sorry if this seems rambly or silly, but even the act of typing it out like this is helping a bit...
i suppose i'm wondering if anyone else out there feels this same emotional loneliness, despite being in a relationship? how do you handle it?
thank you,
-rachel