Like IgnoredOne I have decided to keep an online journal. For me this is to try to help in removing what errors in my thought processes I can. To open myself up for more scrutiny so that I can bring in other useful ideas.

I don't even know if I will be able to stick to this. I am so far from where I was 2 years ago that it seems all but impossible. I am just not sure. I came so close to death that it terrifies me. I so wish I could find some sort of resource that I was sure could greatly aid me. I just don't have enough answers.

I know this will confuse many people who can't really understand it. Hopefully instead of judging me by it they will admit to themselves that they don't understand and possibly even learn something useful from it for themselves. That's really all that I ever wanted. I have many reasons for doing what I do. I can be very motivated and driven at times. Hopefully, I can find that place in myself again. All anyone can really do is find his or her way one step at a time. Never stop asking questions and never just accept something without challenging what it means or stands for. Welcome to my fascination, my obsession.

My number 1 goal is to find a strong sense of stability in myself. Changes in mood are driving me crazy. Worrying, depression, anxiety, confusion. When I get stuck in it I can't even seem to be able to tell that it is happening.

Possibly in some way I can help others through my own trials and tribulations. One of the main factors that lead to my downfall before (other then family life) was that I did not feel connected to much of anyone. I did not feel like I was making a difference and that I was so far above most peoples heads that I couldn't relate with people much at all. I felt very isolated and due to all the years leading up to that point in my life had absolutely no social network. Helping only myself was not enough and I felt very discontent with my jobs. I fell down and there was quite literally no one there who was able to pick me up. In this sense I do indeed lead a lonely life.

Please try to keep any responses on topic and constructive in nature.

I may edit this first post as I find a better way to introduce it.

This post was last modified: 01-27-2008 04:49 AM by Skorian.

Well, yesterday was hell. I don't know what went wrong, but I hardly slept in 2 days and felt horrible. I think I got over stimulated or something. Best I can figure, either I had too much SAMe (400mg). Or I put too much salt in my water (two gallon jug cap fulls). I know sometimes I run low on sodium sometimes. I have even been using iodized salt for its iodine instead of sea salt. The iodine combines with L-Tyrosine to create T2(?), T3, T4, and TSH(Thyroid Stimulating Hormone). Also, just a change in blood pressure could maybe have something to do with feeling that way maybe? Mentally I felt like crap. I wasn't depressed but I wasn't happy. I didn't feel empty. I felt as if I was being stretched and compressed at the same time. I felt stressed out and many of my muscles went all taunt. Felt as if I have a headache and that my brains are essentially jello. I experienced a great deal of overall pain and confusion. Not the first time I have had that feeling, but it's the worst it has been in a long time. I vaguely remember struggling with that several years ago. I thought essentially the same thing about it then that I do now I do believe. I wish there was some way to figure it out conclusively.

Wow, chest pains have subsided finally. It feels fully normal again? Ah wait, I still feel something ever so slight that isn't quite right.

I exercised just a little for the first time in about 2 years yesterday, before I started feeling like shit. This is the only other possibility I can think of as to what might have been responsible for my feelings later. I am not used to getting my heart rate up (lately). Body produces many chemicals in response to exercise. I am in horrible shape. So I just did a little light fast walking around the house for several minutes. I had the most excess energy I have felt in a long time. I could have done more, but I didn't want to overdo it. Actually thought about my weights. I don't think I am ready yet though.

SAMes effects when combined with water are unquestionably noticeable at times. I wouldn't know how to describe it, but it affects everything. Along with that it increases the rate at which the body goes through liquids. More thirst and more urination. Makes it harder to not get enough fluids. It uses H20 to create many chemicals in the body. It also increases a great many others not in relation to H20.

I need to consider finding a forum with people undergoing similar mental processes. It seems unreasonable to expect that anyone here would have any clue at all. Anything constructive or useful to say.

I just created a personal log. Maybe at least some days I can write a journal to chart some of this. I have known a long time that I really need to keep better notes. I have alot of notes of another kind, but they don't really show my thoughts processes. I struggle though with a format that will keep all the information that I might need to refer back to.

I am considering trying 200mg of SAMe for a while and cutting down on salt. Possibly go back to sea salt. I need to purchase 200mg so I can try to use as needed depending on the situation.

Today, I don’t think I will take any SAMe, I will take it tomorrow. As long as my mental state doesn’t collapse I should be ok.

Seeing as how I was able to write this so well thought out. My mental state at the time seems to be pretty good.

Well I well admit I don't understand all that. Have you seen a doctor for all of this?

This journal thing is a good idea. I think if we get much moor ppl doing it we should have a separate forum for it. Like an on topic are something.

Well I don't know what to tell you Skorian. You really have been fro some shit.

I hope someone here well have some good advice for you.

Do you have a condition that makes it so you cent eat are something are is it you just don't feel like it?

And please explain to me in lamened terms why you have to drink salt water. Would this not make you moor dehydrated?

just trying to understand.

This post was last modified: 01-27-2008 04:53 AM by Bluey.

Well I well admit I don't understand all that. Have you seen a doctor for all of this?

Several over the years. The bottom line is many doctor's are so out of touch with the world we live in from their little offices. So in a hurry. They just aren't that helpful. Also blood, hair, skin, urin, stool, saliva diagnostics are very expensive through typical medical care. I wish I could find a cheap source where they really know what they are talking about. I was looking for a certian website the other day that I used to know of. I had never gotten around to contacting them. I wish I could remember what it was. What is scary is the more you learn in this field, the more annoying many doctors can be. You want to tear blood tests or simular things right out of their hand and show them how to read it when they make outright mistakes. I have never done this, but it's tempting to want to print out lots of information from sources and dump it in their lap so they don't screw up with other people to. It's a scary thing indeed. Very interesting, but it can be a nasty double edged sword. I have nothing really to compare it to, but personally I feel that our medical care in this country is largely a joke. It's far to haphazard. Far to rushed.

This journal thing is a good idea. I think if we get much moor ppl doing it we should have a separate forum for it. Like an on topic are something.

Indeed it is.

Well I don't know what to tell you Skorian. You really have been fro some shit.

Alot of people have and it makes me very sad. For one because if I can't help myself then there is no way I will ever be able to help them. I have met so many gamer's who are massively messed up over the years. In recent years I have started knowticing more people use drugs and are drunk when gaming, because it can be a good escape.

I hope someone here well have some good advice for you.

I am hopeing. I hope no one feels threatened or worries to much about it.

Do you have a condition that makes it so you cent eat are something are is it you just don't feel like it?

Depression by itself does this to people. Lack of fluids will mess this up to. I don't deal with milk products very well either. Beyond that your guess is as good as mine.

And please explain to me in lamened terms why you have to drink salt water. Would this not make you moor dehydrated?

When you drink larger amouts of fluids you can unbalance your sodium balance. I don't have it down to an exact science by any means, but I know I need salt. Especially since I am not drinking regular water. I drink distilled water which is pure H20. Basically it's evaporated water, like what we breath into and out of the air. It's addicting once you get used to how clean it tastes. Yes, your body produces some of it's own salt, but it needs extra to. Depends on your diet. You are correct though, to much is bad news. I tend to hang low with my sodium, but short of being able to do a blood test on the spot, there is no way to know, but to guess. Generally I try to not think about it to much except when shit goes wrong. Since it just isn't constructive and could drive me crazy. If I do focus on it to much I kinda know then that something isn't quite right.

just trying to understand.

thanks


I have been trying to catch up on some info about SAMe lately, apparently the higher end products contain Folic Acid, B6, and B12. Something new or that I don't remember hearing before. What I have always pretty much used is Swanson crap. Which is cheaper then most stuff. It's such a pain in the ass trying to figure out where to look for stuff. Why oh why http://www.consumerlabs.com do you have to charge for your info? sigh

This post was last modified: 01-27-2008 06:18 AM by Skorian.

Skorian, u need to get out, man.

Skorian,

Have you considered seeing an Osteopath? They often focus on the whole patient, rather than treating individual symtoms scientifically. In addition to whollistic medicine, they also offer herbal treatments. Of course, they're fully credentialed for any other treatments as well.

For example, when I told my doc (an osteopath) that I was feeling really fatigued last year, probably from depression, she first asked me about how my job and family life was going, rather than an M.D. telling me to pop a pill and report back in a few months.

Let me know...

Skorian,

This is gonna sound strange coming from a guy like me, but I gotta be honest, you sound very obsessive to me. Have you ever considered that? I know that I have OCD, and I tend to obsessive over things like chemicals and bacteria and stuff, but what you gotta remember is that, unless you plan on using PERFECT (what the fuck is *perfect anyway? It's all subjective) body health for some kind of function in life, like say, being a martial artist or something like that, then why worry about it? You're gonna grow old and die anyway. People don't understand that the human body is AMAZINGLY resilient, and not as fragile as everyone here in the United States likes to make it out to be. People put WAY to much emphasis on health, and end up harming themselves more by stressing themselves out. Just eat what you like, live life, and be happy. Did you know that Jews used to eat boot leather to survive in holocaust camps? Did you know that the Nazis would put saw dust in their food? Yet a lot of Jews survived those horrible camps and lived on. Their health suffered, yes, but they survived. Just trying to show you an example of how resilient the human body is. Life is too short to worry yourself over crap like this. It's OK to be cautious, and do things in moderation, and use common sense, like making sure you eat a nice balanced diet, and cut down on too much sugar and fat, etc. but going over board with the salt and distilled water blah blah blah, it's not natural... Animals don't drink that shit, it's not right. There's research that shows that TAP water might actually be better for you than that crap you get out of a fucking bottle!

Just take my advice from someone who HAS stressed themselves out with panic attacks before over things like this, don't bother with it! Just live life, and focus on other things! You're going to grow old and die anyway, so why worry over it?

A pretty uneventful day. Didn't feel particularly good or bad. Drank some salted water and feel fine. Could just be my body is adjusting to the SAMe again after having been so long. I may just need to stager doses. Got some more stuff done. Felt a slight urge to game, but resisted.

I am not sure I can do that considering. Maybe if I heard about that like 2 years ago. Maybe down the road a ways. I already have a long list of things I need to start working on straightening out.

I have worked with a chiropractor that does much the same thing as what it sounds like you are saying. I am already thinking it has been far to long since I have seen her. She helped give me alot of direction. My one complaint is she didn't really seem to have enough answers for some of the things I was seeking answers to and as always didn't really have the time to discuss what I would have liked to discuss.

Please tell me more. Do they make diagnostic tests a large part of their practice? I find it interesting that you come right out and talk about this. I can’t recall if somewhere I talked about my dislike of allopathic doctors. A lot of what they do I look at as outright necromancy. They so often work against nature rather then with it. Instead of using things that put more into the body they use drugs that only take more out of it. I have had so many bad experiences that I can find it very difficult to trust.

There is a very big difference between obsessive and passionate. Often the two can almost seem the same. I will admit that some of my motivations are indeed driven by fear. Honestly I don’t even know how I fell through the looking glass. I am terrified of that other side; it’s a twisted world. I will do anything in my power to not go back. That does not seem unreasonable to me. I am in fact surrounded by people who tend to deal with things from a worrying point of view. I myself was there for a good stretch of time not to long ago. Sadly there was no one near who was able to solve my problems and just simply pick me up. Even though I had the information to solve my own problem and could so easily have passed it to someone who could push me to put it into practice. How stupid is it to sit dieing and depressed as shit for months while salvation is but 5 feet away? After just a couple weeks I could have gotten free again.

Careing about ones health and wanting the best health one can have is GREAT. There are so many benefits and reasons to want great health. The problem though is if you are going about it from worries then you tend to not be realistic at all. You can only work with what you know and solve one problem at a time. When you find solutions then you must put them into practice. The problem with worrying is it tends to be running in circles on a treadmill. Not realistic and not problem solving driven. Have a concern, solve the problem and move on as soon as you can. After what I have been through, I have every reason to be concerned.

There are a great many reasons to be concerned about a great many of today’s modern chemicals. Many are just bad news and don’t really make a whole lot of sense. Many are just there because it creates revenue and someone is foolish enough to buy them. That said though, it’s just not constructive to spend time dealing with things you have no control over. Do what you can, ignore what you can’t.

Bacteria are not all bad. There are good kinds, inert kinds, and bad kinds. Most aren’t harmful and we have an immune system that was designed to deal with them. I would caution you from trying to hard to kill bacteria as we rely on a great many to survive and if you do things like over use antibiotics or things of that nature you can cause great harm to your body. A great many nutrients we get from the food we eat come from the waste products of bacteria in our digestive tracks. Often when they are killed they become replaced by bacteria that release toxins instead.

As far as bottled water vers tap water goes. Well distilled water is generally not sold in anything other then gallons. It's not really sold as bottled water. We had a water distiller for a while, but it broke. Much of the water in bottles is actually tap water run through a crappy filter so for all practical purposes it's just a total rip off. Not all bottled water is this way though. We live sort of out in the country so we have well water and it tastes terrible. That said though, city water isn't any better with the chlorine in it. Chlorine isn't healthy. If you want to drink tap water I would recommend a reverse osmosis water system.

The jews were in horrible health in those camps and many died as a result of how poorly they were treated. Not all died by execution. The body is tough, but it is also at the same time very fragile.

Some day maybe you will find out first hand that other people can think 100% differently then you do. I have experienced things that have shown me this so dramatically that I sometimes feel as if I struggle from an identity crisis because of it. It’s sort of like in the movie the matrix where you take a pill and the whole world changes right before your very eyes. To you the whole world and all it’s details are stress. To other’s they are energizing and fascinating. Some people want to push themselves to the limit.

Maybe some day when your ready you will really start looking for the answer to why so many people in the world seem to be in a different world then you are. Then and only then will you be ready to really try to feel better and start to know when you are being lied to and manipulated by doctors who don’t have a clue. That all they care about is money and who are very lost. It’s difficult, to say the least, to experience the world shifting in such a dramatic way, but I wouldn’t go back for all the money in the world. I can’t honestly in good conscience tell you what those answers might be as everyone’s body has different flaws and different needs. It can be very difficult to find the right answers.

Yes, I know exactly how worrying works. It’s like quicksand, once your pulled in it seems near impossible to get back out again. The more you worry the thicker the quicksand gets. I had thought I put up something about me being concerned my posting this would cause some people to worry. Don’t assume I am thinking as you are. I don't worry about it. I enjoy it and it gives my life some purpose.

This post was last modified: 01-29-2008 08:45 AM by Skorian.

I had a very uneventful day. Felt calm and peaceful most of the day. Didn't really get anything I wanted to do done other then give myself a haircut. I did eat a ton compared to what I had been eating there for a long time. It feels great to be hungry again. Had my first feeling of what I call a hypoglycemic episode. It passed though. I had all, but forgotten about those. I even blended myself one of my crazy drinks I used to always like that I haven’t been able to stomach or make in ages. I haven't been sleeping very well. I need to find a solution, as I think not sleeping well causes other problems. Need to think about getting more valerian root, something I haven't used in forever. Might even try to get some L-Tryptophan and see if that helps. I can always try melatonin again. Though it has never seemed to do much. Still have some on hand from way back.

Had a muscle spasm in my neck during the middle part of the day. It hurt quite badly. Nothing like a charlie horse in the neck for a few minutes. I think it has something to do with all my muscles relaxing more then they have been for a good while. Worrying tends to bring on muscle tension. They are all releasing their grip slowly. Maybe this is why my weight holds to such a constant. That my muscles pull so much that they stay somewhat strong as if I am getting exercise. Only they wear me out in the process even when I am not doing anything at all.

Feeling kind of depressed and lonely tonight. Feel tired, but can't sleep. Just laying awake thinking about how I got where I am and wondering if things will ever get better or even be the slightest bit different. At least I don't seem to be worrying, thank god for that. Thinking about not taking SAMe because of this. That things would just be easier if I gave up. I can't remember exactly what I was thinking when I feel into this 2 year hole, but that may have been my thinking then too. I don't think I will listen to this idea. I often wonder how I got through school and didn't have the courage to talk to anyone or connect with anyone. Just like how someone said hey on classmates.com a while back and sends me emails now and then. But they don't even actually know who I am. Even though I sat at their lunch table for like a whole year. I even followed their little "group" out into the open area people would go to after lunch and tried to talk a few times. Only I always said the dumbest things. Strange how just the fact that I was always reading minding my own business made them totally oblivious to me, but I always knew they were there. Seems like a good person. Can’t say as I really know anything about them.

Not really satisfied with this post. Don’t really know why. Not sure I even really care. At least I have kept this going 3 days now. I hate feeling tired and depressed. Why can’t I just sleep? I am somehow certain if I could just sleep really hard and deep everything would be great in the morning. Why have I always struggled so hard with good sleep?

I really just don't know what to do with myself anymore.

This post was last modified: 01-29-2008 06:47 PM by Skorian.

I understand your focus on your health, as you mentioned that you were close to death before. Its only when you've lost something or come close to losing something do you really come to appreciate its importance, and I have the feeling that you've definitely experienced that. I admit that I'm not that great at staying healthy myself as I'm nursing a small sniffle myself right now and I intentionally dose myself on caffiene to induce mood changes, but I can completely appreciate what you've wrote.

That said, sometimes I wonder if I really care that much. The candle that burns twice as bright burns half as long, so I have relatively little hesitation at trading away future years of my life to accomplish something. Immortality is found in our works and in the people we affect, I feel.

Beyond that, I'm very happy that my journal was able to inspire someone else to start something. I should ask, too - do you work out, and if so, how do you do so?

Regards,
IO

PS: Caldari Warlord? Tsk. Join the Amarr and realize your true destiny.

This post was last modified: 01-31-2008 10:26 AM by IgnoredOne.