In the last few years I have left, it kills me that my parents don't know how much I love and appreciate them. I've been a nightmare my entire life, and I've said and done a lot of evil things to them. I don't even deserve to live for some of the things I've done, when all they tried to do was make my life better. Nobody deserves a child like me, and I'm sorry that they didn't drown me as a child to save themselves from the pain and disappointment that I cause them. They never show this disappointment, but I can see it in their eyes. I wasn't always evil- I remember scattered happiness at age 2, when life was perfect. Well, many unspeakable things happened and I began hating myself and the world. My parents still don't know that I was molested and tormented by racism, and I hope they never do. My low self-esteem always guaranteed that nothing I had was "good enough." Everything they did, everything they bought, all the time they spent, all the love they put into my life- I never appreciated it because I was never satisfied. I was a spoiled brat who tried to find happiness in greed and excess. People treated me like shit because of how I looked. I was too inhibited to lash out at the real causes of my problems, so I took everything out on my parents. Cursing, hitting, breaking things. I told them they were worthless because they were dark-skinned, foreign immigrants. I would put them down when I talked about them to my peers, just to look cool. I even blamed them for my brother's cerebral palsy. Every horrible thing I ever said to them haunts me every day, as it should. And they stood there and still loved me. I transformed from a straight A to someone who stopped caring completely, and they loved me. I spent their hard-earned money, wounded their pride, became a laughingstock, and they still loved me. They tried to help me in every way possible. "Get whatever makes you happy," they would say. They did so much for me. But I was too selfish to see anything. They held my hand and helped me every step of the way, and gave me advice. "Why don't you make some friends?" "Why don't you talk to some girls?" "Can we help you with your schoolwork?" "You can tell us what's wrong. We love you." I was too ashamed of myself to ask for help, so I resorted to defense mechanisms. I told my own parents to "shut the fuck up." I toured Europe in high school, spent all my money on alcohol, and called just spoke to them once in 3 months, only because I needed more booze money. I threw house parties, took their cars without asking, and completely used them. After many times speeding at 110 mph on the freeway while drinking, I knew my life was crashing. Senior year of high school, I picked my grades up and started being more positive, until my best friend (girl) led me on for months, stole my heart, but then hooked up with one of my other friends AT MY HOUSE. I've always been ugly and awkward, but I finally thought someone was more than tolerant of me. I was way wrong. This just confirmed how worthless I felt inside- I was a mere, grotesque plaything, and a fool for ever thinking that I was worthy of love. The first year of college was a disaster. I was away from the only people who truly cared for me, and I fell victim to drinking again. I since beat those demons and now I quit drinking, started exercising, started eating healthier, have a perfect GPA, and am not being completely horrible to my parents. However, deep down I know it is too late for me to fix the damage done. I won't be around for much longer. I don't care about all the other crap, but I need to tell my parents how much I love them and how sorry I am for all of this. I want things to be so wonderful again like they were at age 2, before I knew and lived all of this evil in the world.

And what exactly do You want us to help You with? No offense, i just don't quite get it. You seem like a very intelligent person who now know what he wants, so do You want tips on things You could to for Your parents or do You simply not have the guts to do so Yourself? I don't even understand if You're saying that something's stopping You or not. Was this a rant? Again, just curious.

Rant, sorry!

lol nah.. you were just expressing yourself.. i guess others who feel the same can post here as well.

you know they say what dont kill you makes you stronger..
i always try to get my parents to stop babying my little sister.. cause i think its cus i was babied that i'm such a WUSS!! i know they mean no harm.. but come on everyone needs some toughening-up!


someone once told me they were alive only cause they didnt want to hurt their parents and i thought .. thats a dam good reason 2 live. think of how much it would hurt your parents to lose a son. Maybe you can show them you love them by staying alive..and simply loving them back.

Life can be pretty bad... but not all people are horrible 20yrs2many ..im sure you can fine one person to make your life worth living..

This post was last modified: 03-28-2008 02:29 PM by jales.

Uh, I dunno. I wasn't really babied at all and I am so tough I shut everything out and lived in my own world to escape the nightmare of the real one... I think there needs to be a happy medium.

That's definitely the only reason I'm alive. I always feel really low and have these awful thoughts about what I could do to put an end to it all. I can't ever do that to my parents though.

20yrs2many: It's horrible that feeling of guilt. Your parents sound like they're really caring.. the fact you feel like you've done awful things to them won't make them love you any less. My parents are kinda the same and I also can see the disappointment in their eyes. I use to constantly be rude to them, barely talk to them most of the time and I also used to blame them for a lot of my problems. I know they love me a lot but that makes me feel really guilty cos they've given me everything I've ever needed in my life and I've wasted all the opportunities. I sort of feel like I don't deserve their love. There are times when I just wish I could tell them i'm sorry for everything, or just tell them I love them. I also find that hard though. I sometimes hug my mum randomly and in my head, whilst i'm hugging her, I say all the things I want to say to her. Hopefully actions do speak louder than words. Your parents sound like great people and, even though you feel like you've done terrible things to them already, losing you would be the worst thing you could ever do to them. All the things you've done to them won't be as bad as you actually think they are and they definitely won't hold them against you. Sounds like they love you loads and just want to see you happy.

i wouldn't think it's too late if you start treating your parents well from now on - you're their kid so their love for you is unconditional. you can't really change what you did in the past, but you do have control over how you treat them now.

I love my mother. I wish I could do whatever it would take to lift her from her deep, deep misery.

this is really good what ur doing. Its never too late to go do the right thing, just give ur parents a hug and tell them how much u love them, ull notice that ull start doing all the good things that u wanted to do to them automatically.