LOL I'm about to go to sleep so I'll continue the story tomorrow. But yeah, I tend to always think in terms of "how can I make her day?"

I've actually found it both harder in some ways and easier in other ways to find friends in college. Easier because I'm never in the same classroom with the same people, but harder because after class is over I rarely do anything anyone else likes doing. I play baseball (more like baseball = life) so I work out at least three times a week, plus whatever games I might play during the weekend. The reason I say baseball is my life is because if it wasn't for that I really wouldn't have direction and I'd just feel listless all day long. As I write this I'm "nursing" a shoulder injury - by doing weights five times a week. It's that kind of dedication to what I love to do that got me through high school and the first two years of college without having alot of friends and going completely insane.
I rarely party =( as a matter of fact I have gone clubbing only about 3 or 4 times in the two years I've been here (and trust me, where I study, almost everyone goes clubbing at least once every week. The pubs are actually closer to campus than most dorms). I just don't like clubbing that much... I don't see the point in drinking the night away. As far as partying in the dorm... we don't do that often, I guess it's because the pubs being as close as they are no one bothers. I used to go to a friend's apartment some times to play Halo (or else do Java projects - he was in that class with me), but for the most part I just kept to myself. Tuesdays and Thursdays were the worst because usually money was tight and I had to have enough for gas to make it to my house on Fridays, so I couldn't go work out everyday (I drove to another town to work out because a)the university gyms were either closed off to non-weightlifting athletes or open only when I had class and b) the gym was free). Those two days of the week basically consisted of me studying my butt off to catch up or else drinking enormous amounts of Red Bull - then going to sleep anyway.
BTW The first year, I didn't stay in a dorm, I drove every day. IT SUCKED SO BAD I knew I had to get a dorm for my second year.

During her birthday, we spent some time in her pool. I'm there hugging her and giving her the ocassional kiss. This is what I had seen before, and what I took for normal boyfriend behavior. Apparently it wasn't for her.

I mean, I can't say I was perfect; but some mistakes are easier to understand and take than others.

The next day we are talking on msn and she tells me "Don't hug me or kiss me so much".

First dagger. That's how it felt at the time.

I was confused. I didn't get pissed off (which in retrospect I probably should have). I just kinda said "...ok". And in my mind I was thinking WTF. It's not like she hadn't ever had a boyfriend. She had 3 before me. She was my first.

Hindsight is always 20/20. And there were some things that disturbed me about her, things that would be immediate red flags to me now. She was loathe to hug me in public, and yet she didn't have a problem doing it to her "best male friend". She was always playing around with his hair and his necklace. These are things that ordinarily wouldn't make me sweat - but she never did that with me. That's why I wondered.

You could say I was jealous and maybe I was; but why was it a problem when I hugged her but not when she hugged him - and I was her boyfriend? That's what I ask.

So I said ok. Promptly tried to forget about it. My prom was coming up (she was in 11th grade), and I had something big planned.

I wanted to make that day real special for me and for her. I wanted to take her to my prom on a limo. So I asked my parents if it was possible and they told me that was my graduation gift. They took me to a Limo place and I chose a white Hummer limo. They rented it to take me and my girlfriend to the prom.
I felt great but at the same time I felt like "Oh my God, my parents just rented a Hummer limo just for me and my girlfriend. I'm going to get roasted if this doesn't work out." I have been conditioned for most of my life to live off of peanuts and here are my parents doing this for me. It felt wierd.

So it's the day of my prom. I put my tux on and the limo comes so I get in it. I'd already seen the inside but now it was lit and it had TV screens and lights... it's mildly intimidating, especially because I was alone. We drive to her house and she's there... she's beautiful. I had butterflies in my stomach and they were really causing a racket; I was nervous as hell. She didn't really have a reaction. I had a little flower I gave to her and off we went to my prom.
We had her little sister on board so there was no deep kissing or anything going on lol. She just hugged me. One of the few times she did this without me doing it first.

We actualy got our picture taken by a field; it was real nice and I wanted to have them and maybe my kids could see them. My parents don't have any pictures of themselves before they got married.

We danced in the prom. We ate. I opened drinks for her. We danced some more. At the end the class made a toast to each other; they gave us all cups. I had them give a cup to my girlfriend cause I didn't want her to feel left out. (Might seem funny and cute but I'd been there enough times myself to know that feeling left out is not a nice feeling) Then we left and I went to her house (it was like 3 am and I didn't want her and her grandmother to get to their house all alone). Then we just said good night and goodbye, and I left for my house.

All in all it was a pretty good prom. I'm not going to whine about that particular day. And I will always remember it as a good experience.

That summer I went to a tryout camp with a person who could recommend me to the coaches at various universities that had baseball programs. I'd worked to do this since I had been in 9th grade. This is what I had busted my ass for during those years.

Baseball to me is an outlet and an enabler. It helped me through all my frustrations, and enabled me to function without going insane. I learned to play it well despite having a screw in my right hip because of a previous accident. I truly love the game; after my parents and grandparents it's what I love the most.

My senior year was probably the best year I ever had in school. And it probably was the best season I had playing baseball. I hit .492 in a wood bat league and led everone in hitting. In the entire island. It's the accomplishment I am most proud of, because nothing came easy and I had to work hard to do it.

I played well in the camp. So the guy calls me and leaves me a message: He's got a school in Texas that's interested in me, and they'll give me a full scholarship. To call him back and tell him if I'm gonna go.

Just five months prior and I wouldn't even have thought about it; I would have said yes. But now I had a girlfriend... and I really wanted to be with her. I was very protective of her, and our time together was precious to me. And so I had to choose.

One week passed. Then another. And another. And I still hadn't gotten back to the guy. When I finally made my decision and called him he was pretty pissed, and rightly so.

I wasn't going anywhere.

This next anecdote was kind of wierd to me. I don't even know what to make of it yet, but the situation hurt at the time. I tried to block it out by "rationalizing" it, but I'm not sure what's right.

She didn't seem to want to be with me as much as I wanted to be with her and that made me desperate sometimes. I'd always want to be with her but it seemed that to her being with me was not as important. And that hurt (and started to breed mistrust).

My ex had a family member who was going to get married. She told me this over the phone, kind of in a passing way. I thought it immediately odd that she wouldn't invite me to the wedding; after all, we were seriously together (at least I thought we were) and it just seemed wierd to me. But at the same time I wasn't going to invite myself anywhere; if she wanted me there she was going to let me know. As the days went by, and she kept mentioning the wedding to me, I became more and more perplexed. I asked myself, "Why does she keep mentioning this wedding to me if she's not going to invite me?" So I asked her. And she told me it was because she wasn't sure if there were going to be enough seats, and that apparently they were going to have only enough seats to seat the people already invited.

Ok. So, I'm not going to be able to go. Case settled.

I had told my mom about the wedding and that I wasn't invited because of the seating issue. She too thought it odd I wasn't invited, though I didn't tell her my feelings because I desperately wanted to take my ex's explination at face value. So there I was the day of the wedding, watching TV in my room and trying not to think about why she was seemingly indifferent to my presence, when my cell phone rang. It was her.

She basically said "Hey I'm kind of bored now that the wedding is over and they're just eating and dancing. Can you come over?"

Now I would say no. But this was then, and I really wanted to be with her. So I told my mom (who would have to take me because I didn't have a license at the time). She was borderline livid. But she held it in until after I came back. Then she basically told me how she didn't think what had happened was right. Deep inside, I agreed with her. But I was in such denial back then.

Hiya

I just read the part where you had the opportunity to go and play baseball in Texas...is this a decision you regret and will hold against yourself...but is it also something you would blame her for?

I remember a day where I had two 'trials' for soccer teams in the UK...both of which were huge...getting a trial was a major thing here...they didn't come around very often 25 years ago so if you got one it was like 'oh my god'...if you got two it was 'OH MY GOD.'

My first trial they came to watch me and I was playing soccer at the age of 13 with fully grown blokes aged 25 onwards...and it was a brutal game...I mean I was getting flattened by blokes three times the size of me...and I got scared...I felt scared and frightened...so after one bad challenge I complained of an injury...there was nothing wrong with me but it was a way out...an easy solution...the only problem was I 'limped off' and the trial scout was just walking on to see me play...and I can see him now walking off into the distance.

So the day after...my second trial with a bigger club I did all I could...we played against there youth side...an honour I can tell you...and I played the whole game...it should only have been half a game but the were one short so they asked me to play the whole game. I was brilliant (without sounding arrogant). I couldn't play any better...but 3 days later I received a call saying that they wouldn't be taking me any further...I was heart broken.

The reason I am telling you this...is because we make the decisions we make at the time we make them because they feel like the right thing for us to do at the time. We can always look back on them and think what if...and during my counselling sessions I regularly think 'what if?'...but that is what makes us who we are.

I know that we all look at different scenarios differently with time...the seating arrangements at the wedding for example...but we accept a lot of what we are told at face value...we have no reason to think any differently...it is only after things don't work out that we question what we have been told...but it wont make any difference.

I have been married twice and lied to, cheated on and used...but it wont happen again. If I get any sign of this ever again I will walk away because given the choice between that and a life of loneliness...I have to take the loneliness.

I am not sure if any of what I have said helps but I hope my ramblings have provided some comfort.

I don't blame her for that; that was entirely my decision. I do regret it; it's probably the worst choice I have taken so far in my short life. But on the other hand, I did learn alot from everything that happened.

It was a sacrifice I made in order to be close to the girl I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. Now I know not to make sacrifices like this until I know the person really, really loves me.

I wonder how that would feel, to be loved and know it. I'm so jaded by everything that happened I find it diffcult to imagine that. I can't fathom going through another relationship. It's almost too scary.

I started my freshman year of college in August, and it was hard on me because of many things. One, I didn't really know if college was for me and I looked at it with a vague apprehension; I don't think at the time I was ready to get serious about a career. I knew I was going to be lonely. I didn't have a dorm because I wanted to come back to my hometown, close to my girlfriend. And the schedule I was given was brutal.

I got out at 6:30pm Mondays and Wednesdays, then I had to drive like almost an hour home. Fridays were the worst, I had a lab at 7:30 am and had to wake up at 5:30am to be on time. Yuck.

And still I had time for my ex, but she didn't have time for me. She was a senior now, and in that particular school seniors have the privilidge of getting out at 12:30 instead of 3:00pm for the rest of the students. She told me since she was in the National Honor Society she had to give tutoring and she had to stay behind until after 3. Which is fine, except she had 2 hours to do homework and whatever she had to do (I came from the same school, and it's not that hard, trust me). That is, had she really wanted to be with me.

I would even help her out with her schoolwork, to the chagrin of my parents because then I wouldn't do MY college homework until way later. I'd help her out through the phone giving her definitions or whatever she needed. It's easy to stay with someone when they're making your life easier.

I remember one particular occasion that hurt quite a bit. She was going to a party hosted by the National Honor Society, and she told me this. This time I didn't mind asking her straight up "Can I go?" because by then we didn't see each other more than once a week. So she tells me I can't because only society members are allowed, and since I was already in college I couldn't go. So fine, I could understand that. But then she called me the night of the party, and the converstion was priceless:

"Hey, I'm here at the party, we're having a blast, it's awsome, I've danced sooo much. Hey I've got a cousin of mine here, she's also in the National Honor Society, and she's got her boyfriend here, he's studying in your college, do you know him?"

And at this point, my head is about to explode.

WTF. What the hell. You freakin told me no one from college could go, because "only Society members are allowed" and now you tell me this? I mean if you're going to lie to me, at least be smart about it.

I didn't let her know I was pissed (again, if it happens to me NOW, the blowup's sure to follow). I talked a bit then said bye. I was incensed by the whole situation. Why didn't she want to be with me? Was I not a good enough boyfriend? I felt like I had done everything I could possibly do to show her I cared about her. I felt exhausted.

Like I said, I would probably post out of order. This happened in the middle of summer, while I was still playing baseball.

I called her up Saturday night. And for the next hour she seemed to be pissed at me - for no reason whatsoever. I would try to cheer her up and she's snap at me. I tried to understand what the hell could possibly be wrong but I just didn't get it. There were alot of long pauses in that phone call, and something just wasn't right.

She was very moody with me. I kind of resented that; I cared for her and gave her alot of attention, and I thought I didn't deserve it. Since I had never had a girlfriend I chose to just take it without questioning it at first. Only later on would I realize how unfair it was.

We hung up and I was confused and worried. Maybe she was in one of those "days". I tried to pass it off as that. But I was still really affected by that conversation.

The next day I had a game. I had hit in all my other games but in that game I didn't hit at all. Struck out twice, which means I didn't even hit the ball. I was evidently not myself.

That afternoon when I got home there was a missed call from her number. So I called back and she's cheerful. She invited me to her house to be in her pool. So in the course of 2 minutes I went from sad to confused to slightly happy. When I got there she was real cheery with me. I was happy and didn't question anything. I wanted so much to BELIEVE. So we had a nice half day.

Mood swings like this are something I fear today. I can have severe mood swings but they do not last long. I might be pissed for 5 minutes and happy the rest of the day. I try to be happy or at least ok most of the time and unless you have directly pissed me off I will not snap at you. And even then I'll give you a chance. I'll explain how I feel to you so you can explain why you did whatever it was.

During the whole relationship I felt like I was in an emotional rollercoaster. The highs were wonderful, but the lows made me want to kill myself. There were alot more lows than highs and there was never any consistency. I really wish I could find someone that treated me consistently well.

Another thing that I noticed during most of the relationship, was her inability to say "I love you" before hanging up the phone. I always said "I love you". She would only say it sometimes, and only after I'd said it. Obviously at first I didn't expect her to do it. But after 3, then 4, then 5 months, it was getting to me. It wasn't going well, but I still would end the conversation with "I love you". And I meant it too. But I wasn't sure she felt the same way. I was going to have to do something to tip her hand.

So we had a phone conversation. At the end of the conversation, I held up for a moment. She was still in the line, and I couldn't hold it any longer. I said "I love you" and hung up.

Well then we had another conversation. This time, I was a bit hardened by some things she had said. So I held up a bit. Then I just said "bye" and hung up.

Not a minute later she calls back and said:

"Why didn't you say you loved me before you hung up?!?"

I'm not even sure what I said at that point. I was just too pissed at her nerve.