You know I am really not feeling very good to day. I feel OK healthwise. better then I have done in a long time actually. I am all better from the hernia OP I had just be for crimbo. I mean I still feel it from time to time but they say that's normal and its not bothering me any no moor.

Just in 7 years I well have lived alone for half my life and well have been single for 2 years moor then half my life. Been single basically all my adult life. Not had a GF since I was 18 and some days like to day it really starts to hurt that am sate here most days alone. Internet friends is OK but I need moor. I have a copol of cousins I go out with from time to time and when I can be bothered to go on a marathon drinking binge of over 12 hours I have another selfish nob head of a friend that I have known all my life that I can go out with. Hes fun to be with up tell a point then the drink kicks in and then he looks for fights with ppl and becomes a right jerk off.

I made a deal with myself a long time ago that I was never going to end this. I had beat myself up to much and never did have the bottle to end it all. God its days like this I wish I did have it in me to do it. Drink don't solve anything. I don't very often get drink on my own anymore. just maybe at me cousins where I sometimes go and have a BBQ with him and hes mats. I cert remember the last time I drank alone. I don't keep drink in as I would drink it just for nothing moor then for something to do.

I have been biking a lot trying to get myself in better shape. I think am as in good a shape as all ever be which is not that good as I struggle to work and do not walk straight and with a limp and my body is twisted. I fucking hate the way my body is. I mean I quit smoking the cigarettes and I don't drink all the time. prob one time a week. I do my fair share of exercising. I mean I respect myself so why the fuck do I deserve this shit? Its all fucked up. I don't ever see myself getting a GF or even a family of my own. To be honest I probably would not have the pashonts for a screaming kid anyway. cert even spell right

I have no clue what would make me feel better. I wont a body that well not look and feel deformed like it is. But that's something I am not able to have and never well have. Every one I know has someone. Sept me. Even going to family parties I feel like a loser. just the other week I was at a family party and the bar mead there refused to serve me a beer cos I did not have any ID but she served my cousin that is like 22 years old and am 33. I gave her some right shit over it. I don't normally course a sine but she for some reason relay ticket me of. In the end she backed down and served me amazingly enough. I had made up my mined that I would have had to be frown out rather then back down. Should not have to be predosing ID for a beer at 33. This the other thing that makes me feel like some kinder peter pan frek'0. No girl my age wants me cos I look about 12 (well about 20 - 25 I would say) and no girl at 20 wants me cos they wont a guy there own age, and quite right. In fact its so bad I don't even know any girls that I would like to date. Am not even sure if that's what I wont anymore. i could be out every week club in. But whats the point, I did my fair share there and I never got anything out of it. Just spent time struggling to keep up with the lads I would go out with and be a rack be for I even got into the club. Ever guy I know is like so much taller and bigger then me. And most certenly fitter then me and I don't mean the way they look I mean in they have moor fitness then me so there able to keep going where am just wanting to go home to my bed to recover from the few hours Ive been out. This sucks and am pissed of with it. Why is it I seem to be the only one that has to deal with this crap. I mean if I was in a wheelchair I think it would be easier then I would get help. Sometimes I think it would have been better if I did not learn how to walk again.

You know I feel like going out and picking a fight with the biggest hardest bastard out there and just walking up to him and jump up and get it on bu head butting him strait on he noes. Let it all out in that one guys direction. Be nice to be able to acutely blame someone for the way my body is. I probably only end up getting beaten up tho lol then be worse then I am now. If I had ended up like this from an accident at work I would have probably been given a million pounds in compensation. Not that, that would be enough cos it would not compensation for the way I feel.

Its summer over here now and I look at other guys with there top off and I could cry. I look cos I cert help thinking how unbelievably lucky they are to have such a straight spine. I look at mine and its just fucked up that I have it like this FUCK FUCK FUCK IT!!!!!!!!!!

A blog that some off you have seen. course there is the bad grammar in there cos me the fuck up did it. But it dose explain some things in there..

http://myhealth21.blogspot.com/

God am actually crying writing this out.

OK I have stopped now and puled myself together a little bit. I get like this occasionally. I well be OK, I always am in the end. I think I just needed to get this out.

Bluey, i wish there was something that i could say that would make you feel a little better but i just don't have that ability with words. The being alone, the being twisted does get depressing. I do hope you get to feeling better.

Not that it helps but in another decade or so you are going to be happy that you look ten years younger then your age.

Do You have any idea how many people at this community who find it insane that You of all people are alone and miserable? I don't think any of us do. Your spine may be crooked, but it's that spine which keeps this whole place alive man, and that's the best damn job i've ever seen. I'm 100% serious when i say this; You're the last guy i'd ever care to think of how You look to be with if i was a single woman. Jono, man, the world is one crazy frikkin place, full of drinking bastards full of crap and endless stupidity, and You're the last person i'd ever think would be able to do all that nonsense without longing back to Your true self. What You want to do in life, help people, is frustratingly more important than anything else You could ever do.

Let's get to the point. You need a girlfriend who loves You back as much as You love this community. And where do You go? You go out and do that? Is that because of Your grammar while typing? I don't know where You've been or what You've tried, but if You just sharpen up that grammar of Yours You'd have every searching woman of the internet on You. Jono, do You want us to correct You when You type something wrong? Somehow it feels like You actually do know grammar well, but that You don't really care that much about it since we understand You anyway.

It's fun to practice language anyhow, so i think it would be fun for You to feel that You'd actually get something out of getting as "well-mannered" while typing as Cleocatra. You could see it as Your way of exercising online! I'm totally confident lots of women wouldn't care about Your grammar anyway, but You seem to mention Your grammar so often that it seems it's making You feel ashamed of it. A proper-writing Jono on the internet is one hell of a lethal weapon!

It's great that You think of the rest of Your body and try to keep it in shape, but forget about the parts of You that You can't change just like that. You've got so many other qualities a crooked spine's far from a problem. A 33 year old man who looks like 20. lol, and You see that as a negative trait? You sure have got it all wrong man. How many women in Your age don't You think would want someone young-looking like You?

Am i the only one in this whole community that use a punching-bag as an anger-redemption? I've said it 20 times already; start hitting a got damn bag! It's 10 times more effectual than any curses You could spread out in here, and i'm not even violent, but it works really well.

You should get cracking for real at finding someone online, because it's only a matter of time before You do. Put those shitty comments of Yourself away and get back to using Your heart, and improve the only part of You that i honestly think could be a problem meanwhile; Your typing grammar. I'm glad You try and get Your feelings out like this, but You wouldn't have any of these feelings if You got rid of the problem; Your loneliness.

All the best man.

Awww there may be lots of guys who you think look good but i bet none of them have a wonderful heart like you and trust me thats what all the nice girls are looking for so dont give up hope cause your find somebody who loves you the way u are and as for ur spelling i think it just makes you more interesting lol boring if everyones the same *hugs* hope you feel abit better soon

Thank you, just by posting you did what you could

Yea ppl have always told me that Its not been anything that has made me feel good up to yet. But maybe as you say it well in a decade or two.

aawww Bluey, come on pl cheer up. You are succha strong person. Your words are always so inspiring to all of us I always look forward to read your posts. I don't think any country, religion, language or grammar really matters. What matters is the message that you convey to the other people. Don't beat yourself up like this. Sending you loads of HUGs....

Well most ppl IRL are a lot moor narrow minded then the ppl of this forum you know. A girl wants a man to be big and strong not look defamed and walk with a limp. And Big and strong is something I am not. If a girl took me home to meet her parents her dad would probably say GIRL you can do better. This is just the way I feel and if it did not matter to a girl what you looked like or what your health was like then why do I seat here every fucked up night of my life alone Its a joke if this is what life is supposed to be.

I have been out 3 times a week to bars and clubs and I did that for 5 years when I had a flat near town. I could not keep doing that. It takes for to much out of me, energy wise I mean.

I have tried to learn proper grammar and have even been back to college 2X to try and correct it. At school the only lessen I ever went to always was english cos I know I had a problem. I have seat in class be for with teas of frustration in my eyes cos I could not do the work that was put in front of me. The only thing that has helped in hat way is having a PC. This has helped a lot I feel for my grammar and on a forum I do not see it as to much of a problem. just takes me a bit longer to post as I have to use spell check that's all. But correcting me has been tried and it don't work. But ye most of the ppl that know me would never know I had a problem cos I hide it and ye cos am embarrassed about it. The net however is an amazing place and you are not very likely to get someone from RL looking at what you put.

I agree that women would not be bothered about the grammar. Can make it heard work in things like chat rooms tho.

But learning a language is not that fun for me as I would struggle with the written side of it. this is what college is so scary for me. If you got a problem with ye grammar it stops you from doing everything. And you know my handwriting is really a disagrees.

Amount of women that wont me looking like me is 0 so apparently it is a problem.

And the spine dose affect everything, But ye I feel better about myself after I exercise.

I have seen you say that yes And good advise. This is where I use my bike to clear my head.

I would have the feeling that my body is something I do not deserve. It stops me from earning a living and giving me the respect that every working man on the planet has.

I have looked at on line dating but I just don't think its me. Every girl I have ever been out with which BTW is two,,, well I got to know them as friends first.

Robin thanks. And thanks for saying I make a differences here It dose help a little. Your a good guy and considering that you have some things going of right now yourself I think you for a reply like this.

All be OK. its just a blip

Awww there may be lots of guys who you think look good but i bet none of them have a wonderful heart like you and trust me thats what all the nice girls are looking for so dont give up hope cause your find somebody who loves you the way u are

That may be true but non of them girls see that when I am in a club or a pub or just out somewhere randomly. To them am just another guy all be it one that walks with a limp. As far as first appearances go I make a crap one.

and as for ur spelling i think it just makes you more interesting lol boring if everyones the same *hugs* hope you feel abit better soon

Well if am meeting anyone IRL the spelling is not a problem. its the way I look that's the problem. And the biggest problem is running out of energy. I have to rest up moor then most ppl.

But ye I would agree that interesting is something I am Thanks

aawww Bluey, come on pl cheer up. You are succha strong person. Your words are always so inspiring to all of us I always look forward to read your posts. I don't think any country, religion, language or grammar really matters. What matters is the message that you convey to the other people. Don't beat yourself up like this. Sending you loads of HUGs....

Thanks for the HUGS

Don't get me wrong normally I do holed it all together and say if my mum was to call and say stick the kattol on and make me a coffee she would have no clue how am feeling.

But I am only human and as which I well fall sometimes. All get back up again tho you see then all be ready to take on the world ones moor See its all about the getting up

Appreciate it And actually am feeling a lot better The MSN talk with you and another good friend has made the world of differences. Just that am hungry now

*starts drinking* Checks me door* HAY! what gives? You said you would be there lol

Quote:

I have been biking a lot trying to get myself in better shape. I think am as in good a shape as all ever be which is not that good as I struggle to work and do not walk straight and with a limp and my body is twisted. I fucking hate the way my body is. I mean I quit smoking the cigarettes and I don't drink all the time. prob one time a week. I do my fair share of exercising. I mean I respect myself so why the fuck do I deserve this shit? Its all fucked up. I don't ever see myself getting a GF or even a family of my own. To be honest I probably would not have the pashonts for a screaming kid anyway. cert even spell right

you don't deserve this shit, no one does.. But feeling sorry for yourself does no good.. This is not you Jono..

Quote:

I have no clue what would make me feel better. I wont a body that well not look and feel deformed like it is. But that's something I am not able to have and never well have. Every one I know has someone. Sept me. Even going to family parties I feel like a loser. just the other week I was at a family party and the bar mead there refused to serve me a beer cos I did not have any ID but she served my cousin that is like 22 years old and am 33. I gave her some right shit over it. I don't normally course a sine but she for some reason relay ticket me of. In the end she backed down and served me amazingly enough. I had made up my mined that I would have had to be frown out rather then back down. Should not have to be predosing ID for a beer at 33. This the other thing that makes me feel like some kinder peter pan frek'0. No girl my age wants me cos I look about 12 (well about 20 - 25 I would say) and no girl at 20 wants me cos they wont a guy there own age, and quite right. In fact its so bad I don't even know any girls that I would like to date. Am not even sure if that's what I wont anymore. i could be out every week club in. But whats the point, I did my fair share there and I never got anything out of it. Just spent time struggling to keep up with the lads I would go out with and be a rack be for I even got into the club. Ever guy I know is like so much taller and bigger then me. And most certenly fitter then me and I don't mean the way they look I mean in they have moor fitness then me so there able to keep going where am just wanting to go home to my bed to recover from the few hours Ive been out. This sucks and am pissed of with it. Why is it I seem to be the only one that has to deal with this crap. I mean if I was in a wheelchair I think it would be easier then I would get help. Sometimes I think it would have been better if I did not learn how to walk again.

What? Only one who has to deal with this crap!! Oh dude.. don't make me tell you about my spinal problem... again.. I will you know..We may not have the exact same problem but come on, you know what I go through some days, not so different from what you deal with and you know it!! We get crap thrown at us Jono, no rhyme, nor reason.. And as far as girlfriends, are you kidding..? There are lots, and lots of women out there who would be ga-ga over a guy like you!!! You just gotta get out there and say "Hey, I'm here".. Don't sit about feeling bad, what good does that do???

I know but I do honestly feel inside myself that I well never meet anyone. This just the way I feel. and not just to day just I don't seem to ever get that something in sighed for anyone.

Quote:

You know I feel like going out and picking a fight with the biggest hardest bastard out there and just walking up to him and jump up and get it on bu head butting him strait on he noes. Let it all out in that one guys direction. Be nice to be able to acutely blame someone for the way my body is. I probably only end up getting beaten up tho lol then be worse then I am now. If I had ended up like this from an accident at work I would have probably been given a million pounds in compensation. Not that, that would be enough cos it would not compensation for the way I feel.

No Jono, money wouldn't make up for how ya feel.. It's just money.. Health is more important than any amount of money.

Quote:

Its summer over here now and I look at other guys with there top off and I could cry. I look cos I cert help thinking how unbelievably lucky they are to have such a straight spine. I look at mine and its just fucked up that I have it like this FUCK FUCK FUCK IT!!!!!!!!!!

Now I am getting upset with you Jono..!! What are you doing talking this way!!

Sorry, I have gotten my self feeling a lot better then I was. Sometimes its just like this. If I did not get like this sometimes then I would not have found this place would I now?

If only the ppl I meat IRL thought this well of me. It meas a lot and thanks