I spend perhaps 98% of my time without any human contact during breaks from school, and during those times I thoroughly enjoy thinking and writhing in incomparable agony.

The other day I had a dream about a girl I'm intensely interested in; I think I've had dreams about every girl I've ever been heavily interested in for the past ten years -- yes, I'm 18 years old, but both my emotional response to feelings of 'love' and my amount of experience in the fulfillment thereof have hardly changed on any significant level regarding primitiveness and actuality, respectively. With that in mind, I should like to think I'll be able to continue without any reservations tied to any perceived puerility.

The dreams I have about girls that I've been strongly attracted to for quite long whiles are never of an overtly sexual nature. The one I had the other night (or day, what have you; it was 2:00 AM, and my brain couldn't even process anything anyhow) comprised an old female friend of mine walking by; I instantly 'knew' (in that sense of 'knowing' that exists only in the pure intuition of dreams) that she was interested in me, yet I was not particularly interested in her. I was interested in the girl I'm about to mention: The girl who walked into the kitchen and sat beside the wall with a timid splendor as I stood with an elation rooted in the prospect of affection. She pointed toward the staircase -- I do not recall there being any sound in the dream -- and I knowingly began to go up the stairs. She followed, and she ended up on my bed in my room as I locked the door. I remember standing there in the relative darkness with a considerably hard erection, but I only say that to lead up to the former point I made: As difficult as it may be to understand or receive with any shred of veracity, I had absolutely no intention of doing anything of an overtly sexual nature with her. I knew it in the dream, I knew it immediately upon waking, and I know it now. I wanted to lie with her. I wanted to wrap one arm around her back and gently raise the hand of the other to her face and lie; I wanted to lie in what I see as the epitome of pure physical affection so that we would both share in its joy, unfettered by external fears and anxieties instilled in our minds by whatever comparably frivolous circumstances may have been in the dreamland's existence. Then why the erection? I think living for 18 years while only having a pillow to fulfill the aforementioned fantasy on a fairly infrequent basis might have a good deal to do with it.

Some odd months ago I was still entranced by a girl I had seen one time in the previous year. I met her at a supermarket, a single prolonged stare constituting the said meeting. She simply gazed into my eyes for an upwards of five seconds, and she had me. I didn't see her till about ten months later, when I had finally found out how to contact her online and sent her a relatively elaborate letter. I don't want anyone here to suffer from death by ennui as a result of my drab and miserable storytelling drudgery, so in a word: I had a chance with her, and I blew it. I thought about her for perhaps several months afterward, and in that time I also dreamt of her.

My favorite dream involving that particular girl lasted about seven seconds (and no, it was not a sexual dream, although I'm fairly certain that the allotted time is fairly generous regarding my presumable 'capacity'), and it entailed the two of us, flank to flank, on a couch in the family room. I could feel her warmth radiating beside me, and in a quiet tone I said, "I've never done this before," referring in a literal sense exclusively to the act that I have just mentioned.

The most overt was with the former girl, and it was before the first dream I've so kindly recollected for you: I was lying next to her on a couch, and she slowly moved toward me -- the slightest feeling of any part of her body -- which was quite completely clothed, I might add in order to dispel any perverse notions -- was electrifying, and it all skyrocketed into nonpareil bliss when I felt her kiss my neck. I woke up almost immediately after, and I felt quite upset and listless as I usually do when this sort of fantastical indulgence drains me.

My point in relaying all of this rambling nonsense is...well, to be honest, I'm not really sure. Of all the negativity and disgust I hold for my own character and abilities regarding any endeavor in general, I can say that I do hold myself in high regard for one enterprise: Meandering. With that in mind, let me try to formulate some sort of meaning from the foregoing remarks.

I look at that type of love as primeval. I have written a short essay, entirely in the first person and the present tense, describing exactly what my ideal romantic fulfillment would entail. It is hardly summated by anything I've said thus far, but that is perhaps not necessary to mention. I just didn't want to come across as an immature or intellectually parochial -- to an embarrassing degree -- youth, although I find trying to hide that conviction an equivocation in and of itself.

Moving on from my remarkable ability to divagate into nonsense, I'm feeling restricted in my passions. I am truly happy only when I am playing guitar or writing, and not producing garbage; I mean I am only truly happy when I am fully engaged in creativity and am able to produce something that I think just might be worth a little less than half a damn. So why do I have these desires? I surely desire a woman with whom I could connect with on all conceivable levels -- that is of utmost importance to me. I care not at all to 'lie' with any woman of whose presence fails to astonish me in any interesting way, and this of course can refer to anything. In a word, I want true love. I want to be immersed in another woman's life without either of us becoming dependent on one another; I want us to experience each others' lenitive caresses, warm embraces, and innocently burning stares. I want us to flow into perfect harmony regarding perspective, even if they be completely different from one another; I first and foremost want to comprehend and experience her mind, her soul, and her body as a unique human being to be cherished, revered, and loved for the remainder of my existence, and to the highest degree that is within my realm of ability.

My dreams are then, naturally, primeval. I yearn for physical affection; however, there is that added level that I feel a pseudo-deep connection with these women, even though I've never truly conversed with one of them. Perhaps they aren't primeval, then? I'm really not sure. What was I talking about?

I'm enjoying my isolation, and I would like to have that prevail. I fear that if I do become involved with anyone in any intimate way, I'll grow attached and my creative ability or level of production will diminish to unacceptable degrees. I'm hardly producing anything as it is, and if I lost any more I would essentially be a sedentary blob of coagulating ooze. I just don't know what I want, and I'm trying to convince myself that I'm not good for anyone and that no one is good for me. I like to think that I'm better off living in isolation and trying to produce for other people so that my life will have purpose, just not for my own enjoyment. As William Hazlitt wrote in his essay "On the Love of Life," "The strength of passion seldom corresponds to the strength we find in its indulgence." Or something like that. In any case, it makes sense to me. Furthermore, my agony now is most likely far less than what it would be if I got into a loving relationship and lost it without being ready. I also understand the converse, which is that my potential for happiness is at least halved, but I think I'll be okay with that should I continue to wring enjoyment out of whatever passionate endeavor it is I'm attempting to succeed in, even though it's perhaps doomed to perpetually be to no avail.

I'd like to say more, but I think this post has run its course. I'd rather not bog people down with my own ramblings, but I've done that for years with the same fruitless result every time. I suppose one more won't hurt then, eh?

Your writing is very good but it also too complex for my understanding.

it reminds me of the movie se7en.

lol. I'm with Chris on that one. I feel like i'm reading Shakespeare. A lot of times, I get lost in how wonderful it would be to have a girlfriend. But I keep forgetting that many girls are such a pain to deal with, and many times it's not worth the effort. There are benefits to my isolation - I can do whatever I want to do, I never have to report to any body. If I had a gf, I'd have to be a totally different person. So there are positives. I don't know, I've gotten so used to being a loser that I almost prefer it to having to mix with people in the outside world. They will never understand me no matter how hard I try.

I also feel that even if a girl was interested in me, it would be unethical for me to be with her considering how utterly depressed I am. I justify my loneliness by asserting that I am not supposed to be with anyone since I'm unfit to have a girlfriend. Girls should be with guys who are strong, mature, and positive. I am none of those things.

I feel the same way too, well some of the time that is. I don't think your a loser, but sometime I feel like a loser myself, but I know it isn't true.

I also think if a girl is interested in me, I likely screw it up before it even start. I'm not strong, but I think I'm mature and positive.

Well don't give up, coming from me, it probably doesn't mean much, but I just like to say it.

Thanks a lot for the replies, everyone!

lonelyloser: That's pretty much exactly how I feel. What I'm trying to do is get away from everyone -- essentially, I'm trying to make my isolation into a positive thing, but it's very hard to keep it going for long. I get involved in a project for a while, but I always fall back into feeling lonely and miserable; furthermore, when I try to TELL people that I'm feeling upset, nobody listens or cares. They seem to be light years away from understanding, and that's understandable; I just don't see why they have to be so apathetic about it.

I've grown to dislike people in general, and I keep my idealizations about women in my head -- I never act on them, and I don't plan on doing so any time in the future. Many a time I myself have said what you have: That I'm unfit to have a girlfriend. I think I'd only bring her down, and I'd end up screwing up more lives than I'm allowed to by natural law Well, I don't know what I meant by that. Basically, I don't want to hurt anyone but myself.

Chris: Thanks =) I'm always shocked as to how similar people like us are. Well, not really

There really is too much pain in the world. Either that, or just enough; either way, for at least a while I want to know what it's like to be truly happy. I think the same goes for everyone else here, but I'm not about to make that judgment. So, how about all of you? What's your take on that?

It just feels like there's no hope left, with no chance of meeting anyone -- let alone a girl -- with whom I can truly be happy with. I understand that the pain of losing that person may be far greater than what I've been experiencing for years, but at the same time I'd like to think that having at least memories of happiness is better than living an entire lifetime solely comprising sad and depressing memories.

I really don't know anymore. I try to analyze things into the ground; it's all I can do. In the eternal words of Warren Zevon, "Still waking up in the mornings with shaking hands, and I'm trying to find a girl who understands me."

Welcome to the site

Forgive me, but I thought you were a girl base on your name.

I find that isolation doesn't work, but I manage to isolate people for about 32 days to be exact, and it just seem so wasted. Life is meant to be explore, and interact with people every day. It is just simply not to sit in your room or your comfort are and isolate yourselves from other people.

And even with Social Anxiety, I'm going to join a club next quarter!

midnightlamp, you have a lovely concept of love that surely deserves fulfillment. And I agree that you ought to have a girl who you can connect with on many, many levels; have you made any efforts in bringing this about with girls that you've come to regard as prospects?

Regards,
IO

I understand what your point is exactly. Sometimes I wonder if I had a choice of living the rest of my life in misery or only having a year but with true love whether I would chose the latter of the two.

I know that I'm "only" 20, but I've gone through a change of countries, through high school life, and I'm at the cusp of ending my university stage and yet everything remains the same. There is nothing to lead me to or at least spark a shard of hope that I can find that girl that will make me happy. Worse yet, as I go through life, I realise the inevitable truth of how scarce the odds are of actually meeting a girl that can be a true soul mate.

I can say that I used to look for comfort in loneliness, trying to give meaning to my existance through occupying myself with various tasks, and too found that it was only a short-term fix to my problems. All that it led to was leaving me with a barren feeling of emptyness.

In short, to answer your question, I too would like the opportunity to feel true happiness.

This post was last modified: 03-06-2008 11:06 AM by Guest.

LMAO!! Oh God, I'm afraid I'm losing my mind.

This was my original post up until I caught myself...

"I don't know how to use the quote thing, so I'm just going to do it the old fashioned way

Guest: There really is too much pain in the world. Either that, or just enough; either way, for at least a while I want to know what it's like to be truly happy. I think the same goes for everyone else here, but I'm not about to make that judgment. So, how about all of you? What's your take on that?

Me: (Sorry, I can't indent so I can't do a formal block quote >_<) I agree, and that's what I want as well; for at least a while, "I want to know what it's like to be truly happy." I'm not sure what that means, though, and that's what's killing me. A lot of times I think that spending time alone and getting a better understanding of the world is what will make me content, and that very well may be true; but contentment is not the same as happiness, and I have trouble distinguishing between the two. My take, in short, is that the entire idea of happiness is extremely frustrating in the sense that it's vague and the chance of it never being realized follows close behind.


Guest: It just feels like there's no hope left, with no chance of meeting anyone -- let alone a girl -- with whom I can truly be happy with. I understand that the pain of losing that person may be far greater than what I've been experiencing for years, but at the same time I'd like to think that having at least memories of happiness is better than living an entire lifetime solely comprising sad and depressing memories.

Me: It's scary how much I can relate to that. I am essentially bereft of hope myself, and I really am starting to think that I'm never going to find anyone -- let alone a girl, as you said -- with whom I can truly be happy with; I'd have to be able to connect with them on many levels and really feel that they understood me for that to happen, and the chances of that happening seem slimmer every day. I also have thought about that idea -- that the pain of losing that person may be far greater than what I as well have been experiencing for years -- and don't know what to make of it. None of us get out of this unscathed, and everyone realizes that at one point or another; and I can relate to you on that question regarding living one's life in misery and loneliness, never having known anything else.

There's a Warren Zevon song entitled "Indifference Of Heaven." Here are the lyrics, appropriately titled: Indifference Of Heaven Lyrics

I find that quite relevant to this concept; check it out and you'll see what I mean. "When the sky is gray, the way it is today, I remember the times when I was happy." So on and so forth...for me -- and you, I presume -- it's more like, "When the sky is gray, the way it is today, I fall back on the prospects of better days." Actually, that sucked. I'm embarrassed for even having come up with that, and the only reason I'm leaving it there is for both genuineness and comic relief.

I really don't know anymore. I try to analyze things into the ground; it's all I can do. In the eternal words of Warren Zevon, "Still waking up in the mornings with shaking hands, and I'm trying to find a girl who understands me."

After spotting that Warren Zevon reference, I figured something was up. Leave it to me to reply to my own posts, mistaking them for someone else's -- I'm a FREAKIN' GENIUS!

ACTUAL GUEST: I understand what your point is exactly. Sometimes I wonder if I had a choice of living the rest of my life in misery or only having a year but with true love whether I would chose the latter of the two.

I know that I'm "only" 20, but I've gone through a change of countries, through high school life, and I'm at the cusp of ending my university stage and yet everything remains the same. There is nothing to lead me to or at least spark a shard of hope that I can find that girl that will make me happy. Worse yet, as I go through life, I realise the inevitable truth of how scarce the odds are of actually meeting a girl that can be a true soul mate.

I can say that I used to look for comfort in loneliness, trying to give meaning to my existance through occupying myself with various tasks, and too found that it was only a short-term fix to my problems. All that it led to was leaving me with a barren feeling of emptyness.

In short, to answer your question, I too would like the opportunity to feel true happiness.

ME: This really is sad to me, but I'm going to make another thread one day someday soon regarding what I got from this post and this forum in general. As lonely as we all are, at least we're supportive of one another, and can relate to one another. In terms of what Guest said, I can relate exactly. There's that undying emptiness that sits inside all of us...but we have each other! And no, it isn't satisfying! I can write all I want, and it won't fulfill any of your lives any more than they are fulfilled now. I'm not going to kid myself about that...but that's just in the personal sense. I may not be able to take you into my arms and hold you to make you feel better, but in a sense we all can cradle each other with our words, restoring faith in humanity and the fact that not everyone is a cold hearted bastard who thinks lonely or empty people are "weak" or "immature" or anything ridiculous like that.

Well, I'm going to stop now. I really have too much time on my hands, and this is the only place where I know I am safe going to say so without being made fun of or yelled at. Thanks to everyone here, and I mean that with as much honesty as I can muster. I'm off to continue my unbearably lonely, painstakingly isolated, miserable, and empty-hearted existence.