HappyYogi
Well-known member
Not sure if I posted about this before.
I am part organizer of a social group. I have a partner who helps me. I am in my 50s she is around 70.
We've been on friendly terms. When we discuss things they are pretty much positive. We've shared a few things about our personal lives.
For sometime now she's been saying things that trigger me a little bit. They trigger my feelings of being left out. Well I AM being left out that's the truth.
Here we are so friendly and everything and early on she said "I won't plan anything this month because this is my birthday month and I am going to spend it with personal friends". Okay got the message. She doesn't consider me a personal friend. I accepted it and got the message.
But later I found out others in our meet up she DOES consider personal friends and are invited to her birthday. I was talking to one while planning another event. He said "Oh I am at X's birthday lunch! You know her?" Of course I know her, she's my partner! That was a few months back. I was really hurt by that one but got over it.
That hurt me a lot because I couldn't understand why I would be left out as we have had positive interactions but there it is. I mean I am her co organizer. You would think I would be included but I am not.
I kind of got over it, continued my planning conversations with her in a positive way but with a little more boundaries, even sharing more things and then she says AGAIN how she is meeting up with someone in our group personally on the weekend. She's hinted this at least three times. I am again not invited. I say nothing.
I don't know why she does this. It feels inconsiderate to me. I don't know if she is trying to send me a message that I am definitely NOT in her group (I have not tried to get into her group) or she just has poor social skills or she wants me to feel bad. I don't know. She is over 70 so you think she'd know better. I know I wouldn't do that. It feels almost like a bragging or something?
Now even though she is not one of my favorite people (sort of judgmental and not much of a sense of humor) this hurt me naturally. I guess I couldn't understand why others are included but not me. What is it about me that makes me different? I read lately that even small social snubs like this can hurt deeply because of our need to belong. Even from people we don't even like that much. I have accepted it. It also hurts because this was MY group initially and if I can't find friends with this group where can I find them? It kind of hit my core sense of security. However, happily, I do have fun with others in the group, especially on my own activities (by the way I am the only one that does interesting things).
I want to be free of this and not be bothered by her again. She is NOT worth it!!! I wouldn't describe her as being very kind or interesting. It's not like I really enjoy being around her. However I would be open and loving to her if she was to me. But I DID really like one of the people she included and sort of wanted to be in his sphere.
At this point, and I hate this, I consider her someone I do not trust or like anymore and to minimize contact. I do not think I'll be as warm with her and just be "business friendly" nothing extra. I also had an X Mas gathering and I didn't invite her and won't invite her to my personal things (but I am not rude enough to mention them).
I am taking other steps. My group events are events she doesn't really do. I do hikes and go places where she doesn't drive. I am always relieved when she "can't make it".
ALSO I just defriended her "friends" from our group off my FB. They didn't do anything "bad" to me but their faces are a reminder of this situation. And while I wanted to be a friend of one of them I need to distance myself. Perhaps I tried too hard to befriend him when after she rejected me. I don't know. She can have him. I am not going to do a power struggle. This act has made me feel better. I am accepting the situation and letting her have these people and moving on. I can't make anyone want to know me but as they say "The less you care about them the more they care about you". I am creating an emotional barrier to these people.
I hate having to be this way. I truly like to be warm, supportive and open to everyone but I just can't with people who make me feel bad.
Any thoughts on healing/feeling better?
I wish everyone who is reading this comfort and a positive feelings today
Thank You
I am part organizer of a social group. I have a partner who helps me. I am in my 50s she is around 70.
We've been on friendly terms. When we discuss things they are pretty much positive. We've shared a few things about our personal lives.
For sometime now she's been saying things that trigger me a little bit. They trigger my feelings of being left out. Well I AM being left out that's the truth.
Here we are so friendly and everything and early on she said "I won't plan anything this month because this is my birthday month and I am going to spend it with personal friends". Okay got the message. She doesn't consider me a personal friend. I accepted it and got the message.
But later I found out others in our meet up she DOES consider personal friends and are invited to her birthday. I was talking to one while planning another event. He said "Oh I am at X's birthday lunch! You know her?" Of course I know her, she's my partner! That was a few months back. I was really hurt by that one but got over it.
That hurt me a lot because I couldn't understand why I would be left out as we have had positive interactions but there it is. I mean I am her co organizer. You would think I would be included but I am not.
I kind of got over it, continued my planning conversations with her in a positive way but with a little more boundaries, even sharing more things and then she says AGAIN how she is meeting up with someone in our group personally on the weekend. She's hinted this at least three times. I am again not invited. I say nothing.
I don't know why she does this. It feels inconsiderate to me. I don't know if she is trying to send me a message that I am definitely NOT in her group (I have not tried to get into her group) or she just has poor social skills or she wants me to feel bad. I don't know. She is over 70 so you think she'd know better. I know I wouldn't do that. It feels almost like a bragging or something?
Now even though she is not one of my favorite people (sort of judgmental and not much of a sense of humor) this hurt me naturally. I guess I couldn't understand why others are included but not me. What is it about me that makes me different? I read lately that even small social snubs like this can hurt deeply because of our need to belong. Even from people we don't even like that much. I have accepted it. It also hurts because this was MY group initially and if I can't find friends with this group where can I find them? It kind of hit my core sense of security. However, happily, I do have fun with others in the group, especially on my own activities (by the way I am the only one that does interesting things).
I want to be free of this and not be bothered by her again. She is NOT worth it!!! I wouldn't describe her as being very kind or interesting. It's not like I really enjoy being around her. However I would be open and loving to her if she was to me. But I DID really like one of the people she included and sort of wanted to be in his sphere.
At this point, and I hate this, I consider her someone I do not trust or like anymore and to minimize contact. I do not think I'll be as warm with her and just be "business friendly" nothing extra. I also had an X Mas gathering and I didn't invite her and won't invite her to my personal things (but I am not rude enough to mention them).
I am taking other steps. My group events are events she doesn't really do. I do hikes and go places where she doesn't drive. I am always relieved when she "can't make it".
ALSO I just defriended her "friends" from our group off my FB. They didn't do anything "bad" to me but their faces are a reminder of this situation. And while I wanted to be a friend of one of them I need to distance myself. Perhaps I tried too hard to befriend him when after she rejected me. I don't know. She can have him. I am not going to do a power struggle. This act has made me feel better. I am accepting the situation and letting her have these people and moving on. I can't make anyone want to know me but as they say "The less you care about them the more they care about you". I am creating an emotional barrier to these people.
I hate having to be this way. I truly like to be warm, supportive and open to everyone but I just can't with people who make me feel bad.
Any thoughts on healing/feeling better?
I wish everyone who is reading this comfort and a positive feelings today
Thank You